To make my mother spend Christmas Day on her own?

[steppinstone]

My mother is hard work. Doesn't really have any friends as she falls out with everyone. My siblings don't want to spend Christmas with her.

We have my DC every other Christmas as I'm divorced. On the Christmases we've not had the DC we haven't really celebrated, just stayed in bed and watched films. It feels a bit sad without the children, although we have a nice quiet time.

The years we have the children, we do have my mum for Christmas Day.

The years we don't, I don't want to have to 'put on' Christmas just for her. We have her on Boxing Day when the DC are here and we have 'our'christmas day.

AIBU? I feel slightly bad for making her spend the day alone. But I know I will dread Christmas if we had to spend it with her I her own.

[Ginslinger]

I think if you are spending every other Christmas with her and she has lots of other relatives then it's fine to not have her evey year. It's her problem that no one else invites her. She could also choose to invite people and the fact that she doesn't is not your fault

[NoahVale]

dont you take it in turns with your siblings to have her?
would she consider having people round herself?

you have to make your own decision op.
have you let her spend christmas day on her own before?

[eddielizzard]

don't have her. your siblings don't. at some point your mum has to take responsibility for how she behaves. have her another day and make a fuss, but just for once have the christmas you want, with just your kids.

[albertatrilogy]

I think there are lots of interesting things to do on Christmas day that don't involve turkey, roast potatoes, alcohol, presents and being cooped up with relatives.

Having some decent vegetarian food, taking a walk and watching a good DVD can make for a really enjoyable day.

[Blodplod]

I can't stand the 'she's your mother and the only one you've got' brigade. Not all of us have been lucky enough to be blessed with nice normal caring mothers. I speak from very bitter experience. My mother sounds scarily similar to yours OP and no, this year I won't be hosting her for Xmas and neither will any of my siblings. Her presence is so toxic to us all and due to the total angst, tears I've shed, anger, hurt and humiliation I've suffered for most of my life, then no, I won't be spending Xmas 'just cause she's my mother'. I'm her daughter but that apparently doesn't always guarantee unconditional love and nurturing. I think I will be traumatised for life knowing that my mother doesn't feel like this about her children and because of this there's three very broken souls in the world (me and my siblings). So, sorry for the ramble but I'm with you OP. For the first time in my adult life this year I won't be hosting my mother. And I feel very relieved I've taken this brave decision.

[holeinyourhead]

I agree, I hate to say it but YABU, she is your mum and it's Christmas. What if you included a few others - there will I'm sure be people in your life who might also be on their own at Christmas and then you won't have her undiluted. You can also feel good about looking after her and others in her position too? I have several strays around my table most Christmases, isn't that what it's all about?

[itlypocerka]

You are NOT "making her spend Christmas on her own" - you aren't dictating what she does. She could volunteer to help at Crisis, or could go on a holiday, or could spend the day with friends (not your fault if she doesn't have any) - it's not your responsibility to fit into what she wants you to do if it doesn't work for you. Why on earth should your siblings wishes be respected but not yours?

[glitterandtinsel]

People who don't have narcissistic mothers have no idea of how horrible they are. If she was kind and loving she would have plenty of invitations for Christmas Day.
'It's Christmas and she's the only mother you're going to get' just doesn't apply here.

[Dulcimena]

She is an adult and you are not responsible for her. You are not "making her spend Christmas Day on her own", she's done that to herself by alienating everyone around her. YANBU.

Have a lovely Christmas, OP.

[steppinstone]

I would be very willing to have her on Christmas Day if we were celebrating it - and I have done and I will have her on 'our' Christmas on Boxing Day. In past years when I had a large house I hosted big Christmases every year with assorted people. Now we live in a tiny house and without the children, we don't really celebrate or cook etc. we just have a nice restful day. Alone.

Thanks for the responses - I do feel that IANBU and although I feel bad about it, I don't feel that I can put myself and DH though a miserable Christmas Day with her.

[Donatellalymanmoss]

YANBU OP because you are having her for Christmas on the day you're doing Christmas.

[glitterandtinsel]

Guilt has been trained into you since you were a child. It's how the narcs control their children. Fear obligation and guilt. You don't have anything to feel guilty about. She should be kind and loving.

[carpskk]

I think it's very hard for anyone without a narcissistic parent to understand why you wouldn't just do Xmas day with her.

So because I do have one I completely get it. Christmas Day on Boxing Day is sufficient. Perhaps she will make more effort with you and your sibs on future - then again - she probably won't!

Do t feel guilty because that is what she wants!

[RockinHippy]

You need to change the way you think this, you are falling for the classic Narc guilt.


You are NOT making your DM spend Xmas on her own, you are for once choosing to spend Xmas in a way that suits you & your DH best

If your DM is on her own for Xmas, its because she has chosen to make how she spends Xmas, YOUR responsibility - it isn't!!

So long as you give her plenty of notice, she has time to find something else to fill her time, whether thats offer an olive branch to your other siblings, go on holiday or maybe volunteer her self to help a charity

[SukeyTakeItOffAgain]

Can't stand all these "it's your mother, the only one you have!" posts. They have no idea what a narcissistic parent can be like.

[LillianGish]

You are celebrating Christmas on Boxing Day this year? And she is invited? In that case I see no need to invite her Christmas Day - don't see why this is even an issue. You are postponing Christmas by one day and she's coming. Wouldn't give it another thought - sounds entirely reasonable to me.

[SaucyJack]

Is there a reason why she couldn't host Christmas at hers if it's that important to her to have a family day?

Or is Christmas dinner only meaningful when it's held at other people's effort and expense?

[ample]

Your official christmas day this year falls on the 26th, so it makes sense to me to have your mum stay then (when you have the children).
She's not going without Christmas. Plenty of people celebrate on the 24th or 26th instead on Dec 25th.
YANBU

[ample]

It doesn't mean that you are wrong for thinking and feeling the way you do.
If you do start to have your mum as a guest on Dec 25th (when you don't have the children over) does this mean you will have her as a guest every Dec 25th?
Be careful.

[augustusglupe]

Can't you have her over for lunch and the evening and have a nice cosy Christmas morning to yourselves. If it was me, that's what I'd do. Say, pick her up around midday and then take her home in the evening. I haven't read the whole thread so not sure how near to you she lives.
I have experience of awkward DM and very awkward MIL in the past, but wouldn't have left either on their own on Christmas Day.

[clearingaspaceforthecat]

I agree with PPs.
You do not have to justify your decision.
And, you are not making your mum spend Christmas Day on her own. She has plenty of time to look into alternatives if she wishes to.
She is not your responsibility.
I hope you have a lovely day whatever you do and enjoy Boxing Day with your children.

[ifonly4]

The first two sentences of your message could have been written by me. We do have my Mum every Christmas, however, she has no other family. Last year we had a tricky one - DH's sister invited us last year - DH said he understood and accepted my Mum would be on her own and that's why we should have her. In the end we had Mum out of shear guilt. Sister-in-law has invited us again and I'm already feeling bad.

However, my Mum knows we keep things simple and do it our way. Yes, we do have xmas lunch (normal roast dinner, bought xmas pud) but for tea it's just whatever is in the fridge - I don't buy loads of extras. In all fairness to her, she obviously likes more for her xmas tea and has got into the habit of bringing some snacky stuff up and goes off into the kitchen to start off tea. If you do give in and have your Mum, just explain to her you're planning on a really lazy day, won't be spending ages over xmas lunch and plan to watch a film. That way, she knows what's on offer.

[joshlymanlover]

I understand. If you don't have a mother like that it's hard to understand.

My grandmother was like this. The year we had her was awful and she insulted us all. But we did manage to laugh a lot about it and still had fun..... just!