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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want Hubby's parents over Christmas morning

319 replies

Bananamama1213 · 16/10/2016 06:41

Our children are 3 and 4. Every year since they've been born, hubby's dad and Step-mum invite themselves over at 8am because it fits in with them going to a Christmas swim at the beach (to watch). They live 30 minutes away.

His dad takes over with presents. He will sit down on the floor and help then open them and then open up all the boxes and put things together. I hate it because he pushes me out and I can never enjoy the morning as a family.

They are my children, I believe that it's okay for me as a mother to have the morning with my children.

Last year he brought 2 of his sisters down who me and kids have never met before! (We've been together 8 years). So kids were nervous opening them. It was very overwhelming having 4 extra adults in my front room.

I'm thinking that they can come over later or Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. We go to my family every year as we all live down the same road and have Christmas dinner there. We hadn't seen his mum for two months until today, and his dad we see fortnightly. Whereas my family is so close, we all go to my Aunties on a Saturday for 3-4 hours!

OP posts:
2kids2dogsnosense · 16/10/2016 12:26

Last year they arrived around 7.30, MIL looked me up and down and said "Hmm, still in your pyjamas I see?"

God help her if she came here!

Half of us are still in our pyjamas at 7.30 pm.

2kids2dogsnosense · 16/10/2016 12:34

Hubby is fine...it's an expression that millions of people who aren't on mumsnet use I have never heard anyone use this term in RL - is it a Northern thing? It sets my teeth on edge. Really cringy, sorry.

No it Fucking Isn't!!!!!

I hate the term "hubby", but Im sure I use expressions that other people don't like.

Live and let live, people. Live and let live. Say what you like, OP.

(Except "Hun". Nobody should say "Hun". Ever. Not even if they're talking about the barbarian hordes the swept over Asia Minor and Europe in the sixth century. Say 'Barbarian Hordes".)

It's for your own good.

Nanny0gg · 16/10/2016 12:53

2kids2dogsnosense

How about that nice chap Attilla? You know, the Hun?

littleshirleybeans · 16/10/2016 12:54

I wouldn't want anyone in my house on Christmas morning. I'm usually exhausted having been up half the night wrapping presents.
My DC wouldn't tolerate anyone handing them stuff to open or being made to wait while adults amused themselves. I wouldn't either! I enjoy watching them opening everything in a frenzy, as far as I'm concerned, it's about them.
I can barely muster up the energy to make a cup of tea for myself at this point so having to look after visors of any sort would tick me off.
YANBU.

BowieFan · 16/10/2016 12:54

YABVVVVVU

You get to spend every Christmas dinner with your parents and family, but DH's parents can't even get an hour? Charming.

littleshirleybeans · 16/10/2016 12:54

Visitors!!!!!!

BowieFan · 16/10/2016 13:00

As an aside, you'd be amazed at our Christmas.

DC's Bulgarian grandparents stay with us and open presents with the kids. We then (Bulgarian grandparents too) either go to my parents or DP's parents or depending on the year, they both come to us.

It's the way we've always done it. If we have dinner with my mum and dad, we go to DP's for tea or boxing day, and vice versa.

gleam · 16/10/2016 13:04

My MIL wanted to come over every Christmas morning to see the kids opening their presents. I didn't want this, felt it was our time (as parents) with the kids. We also saw them either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, sometimes both. Also wanted to slob out in pyjamas and be relaxed, not visitor ready. Dh was so-so about it.

So I asked DH whether this had happened in his own family, when he was growing up? No, it hadn't - grandparents were kept away on Christmas Day. So then he also felt ok to keep this bit of time to ourselves.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 16/10/2016 15:42

I wouldn't want them there at 8am for the present opening.

You are going to have to come up with another time on Christmas Day for them to visit. Even if you have to jiggle around your schedule.

But there's no way I'd have them sitting there, especially as the kids don't feel that comfortable being watched.

2kids2dogsnosense · 16/10/2016 15:59

NNNNNOOOOOOooooooooooooo!

"Attilla the BARBARIAN"!

ProseccoBitch · 16/10/2016 16:27

When I was a kid I'd be wide awake desperate to open my presents at 4am, waiting until 8am was awful! I'm sure they wouldn't mind being woken an hour earlier.

I'm another who absolutely can't bear the word 'hubby' - aaaarrgghhh!!

PolarBearLover14 · 16/10/2016 16:31

I think your being a bit unreasonable saying your husbands parents can't come over on Christmas Day especially since you have the whole afternoon and christmas day dinner with your family but why not swap it each year so one year have the whole of christmas day with your family and boxing day with his and then the next year have christmas day with his family and boxing day with yours, then you can have a bit of time to yourselves in the morning before people arrive / you leave to go to their house.

XiCi · 16/10/2016 17:50

It actually sounds as though he fits in really well with your Christmas schedule. Any later and he'd clash with mil and later than that you are getting ready to go to your own parents. I fail to see when he could actually come that fits in with his swim and with you. I dont understand why you can't open presents with the kids pre 9am when he arrives. Either that or just have a couple of presents out for when he's there and save the rest until he's gone. YABU for resenting your kids grandad from spending an hour with them on Xmas day. Especially when they spend so much time with your own family

Soupandasandwich · 16/10/2016 19:45

Nishky

1smarty I assume when your children are grown up you will tell them to do the same and make your own arrangements for Christmas?

I can't answer for smarty, but this is exactly what we did. From our very first Christmas as a married couple, we've spent Christmas Day in our home, first just us and then with the dcs. One year we decided to invite family but it was a disaster - sick baby, fractious toddler and family sitting back doing nothing except demand food, drink, nibbles etc and complaining that dinner was late. Never again. Dcs are now grown up and have partners. We've always been very casual about Christmas Day - they are welcome to come here or not, no pressure. If they choose not to come we are adult enough to take care of ourselves and to have a quiet day. If they do come, that's also fine and we have a great time, everyone mucking in and playing games together.
The reason we chose to have 'just us' Christmases was because of the pressure we felt from MIL, DM and DD (mine were divorced - not amicably) and we were determined not to do that to our dcs.

OP. As it happens, despite the Christmas that we enjoy, I do think yabu here. Unless you're prepared to have a complete change in routine, it does seem mean to exclude FIL without any other changes to your routine. If you want him to come later, invite him to have dinner with you.

Nishky · 16/10/2016 20:21

It is sad that your family just sat back and did nothing. Our family Christmas- both as a child and now is everyone mucking in together.

Nishky · 16/10/2016 20:22

Oh and we have had some Christmases just us- usually because of our work- and that is fine for us too.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 16/10/2016 20:35

What's all this rubbish about being "fair"? Relationships arent boxes of chocolates to be shared out equally, and neither are children. You spend time with people whose company you enjoy and who like you back.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 16/10/2016 20:44

YANBU.

I think some people on here like to deliberately not read anything further than the OP, it would get in the way of stupid comments then.

OP states that her DH is closer to her family than his own.

OP stars that her DH now agrees that FIL should come later but he's too chicken to say this himself, so she has to do it.

OP states that both ILs do see them on Christmas Day.

OP states that she only wants to change the time FIL comes around so the parents can actually interact with this own children for Christmas morning and not be pushed out.

OP states that her ILs do their own thing and expect them to fit in with it. Having ILs like this, I totally get it and they have to put up with it if we are not free when they suddenly deem it necessary to see us.

OP, you shouldn't have to change things around. ILs probably don't want to change their Christmas anyway. It's not a day where you have to split it between people each year. I don't see anything wrong with having dinner at your family and seeing MIL before dinner and FIL later in the morning. You are hardly banning them fgs.

DiegeticMuch · 16/10/2016 21:05

The husband is closer to the OP's side of the family than to his, and the fact that his two aunts hadn't met his wife and children until last December seems to bear this out. So, I think that if he's okay with a new arrangement, he should suggest it to his dad.

Perhaps the dad and stepmum find a 7.30am departure from home on Christmas Day a bit tough, but are reluctant to admit it - who knows - they may prefer a Christmas Eve plan themselves.

Mycraneisfixed · 16/10/2016 21:29

YANBU and the way you and your extended family spend Christmas sounds lovely. If your husband is happy spending Christmas this way then you carry on. Be firm with PIL saying that this year, as both the DC are old enough to understand about Father Christmas, you want to spend the morning just you, DH and DC. They are welcome to come over later but not in the morning. Tell them you're sure they understand. If they sulk or get awkward just say that this is how it's going to be this year. Look apologetic if you like but don't back down.

NataliaOsipova · 16/10/2016 22:06

What's all this rubbish about being "fair"? Relationships arent boxes of chocolates to be shared out equally, and neither are children. You spend time with people whose company you enjoy and who like you back.

Totally agree with this.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/10/2016 22:08

Be firm with PIL saying that this year, as both the DC are old enough to understand about Father Christmas, you want to spend the morning just you, DH and DC. They are welcome to come over later but not in the morning.

If not on the morning when?

They are at OPs family Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I don't see OP wanting to change those plans.

Drbint · 16/10/2016 22:33

In fairness to the OP, her first post did suggest coming later in the day:

I'm thinking that they can come over later OR Christmas Eve or Boxing Day

OP, in your place I would suggest to your husband that they come later in the day, and push back on the time that you go to your family's. However, it doesn't sound as if your husband is prepared to do this. If that's the case, just suggest it yourself and hold back some presents for when they arrive. FIL gets to roam free with the screwdriver. You get time with your children.

I will say that I would suffocate with a family like yours, however, and would be more grateful than you come across that your husband is so happy to embrace them. Every Saturday at my inlaws' would drive me insane, and my inlaws are lovely.

MistressDeeCee · 16/10/2016 23:22

I'm thinking that they can come over later or Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. We go to my family every year as we all live down the same road and have Christmas dinner there

You go to your family every year and you begrudge your DH's parents a few hours on Christmas morning? Knowing those are the only hours they get to spend with their grandkids on Christmas day?

Im hoping by the time you finished typing you realised how selfish and entitled you sound. Its not all about you and your parents - you had children with someone, and he has a family. If you want them to arrive a bit later on Christmas day that would be fair enough but for them not to be there at all, is wrong. Unless they've been very bad to you, which it doesn't sound as if they have

Im sure your DCs can manage being with them for a few hours Christmas morning,. & after all its more about the DCs than you you you isn't it? Unless they're unhappy?

Or - don't have them round at all. But be big enough to be the one to make an alternative suggestion don't be a hypocrite about it and dont hide behind your DH either. You tell them

DontMindMe1 · 17/10/2016 00:06

You know what OP? It doesn't matter if your dh's family dynamics are different to yours - it doesn't make your family 'more important'.

And it doesn't matter if he 'doesn't like' certain aspects/traits of his family - it's still his family and he obviously loves them enough to want them in his life.
It also doesn't mean that just because some of us don't have the so-called 'perfect' family that that they must be treated with disrespect.

The only person that's bothered by fil's visit is YOU.
How about delaying going to your family by an hour? Or are you all just 'too important' to work something out?
How about having a conversation with your pil and see if they might want to see the dc on boxing day/xmas eve, open presents and have that fun, family time they enjoy?

You sound incredibly selfish OP. And i think you're using the good relationship your dh has with your family as a way of pushing his further out.

Why won't you consider alternating xmas with each set of families?