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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want Hubby's parents over Christmas morning

319 replies

Bananamama1213 · 16/10/2016 06:41

Our children are 3 and 4. Every year since they've been born, hubby's dad and Step-mum invite themselves over at 8am because it fits in with them going to a Christmas swim at the beach (to watch). They live 30 minutes away.

His dad takes over with presents. He will sit down on the floor and help then open them and then open up all the boxes and put things together. I hate it because he pushes me out and I can never enjoy the morning as a family.

They are my children, I believe that it's okay for me as a mother to have the morning with my children.

Last year he brought 2 of his sisters down who me and kids have never met before! (We've been together 8 years). So kids were nervous opening them. It was very overwhelming having 4 extra adults in my front room.

I'm thinking that they can come over later or Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. We go to my family every year as we all live down the same road and have Christmas dinner there. We hadn't seen his mum for two months until today, and his dad we see fortnightly. Whereas my family is so close, we all go to my Aunties on a Saturday for 3-4 hours!

OP posts:
septembersunshine · 16/10/2016 11:23

Op I think this is lovely. Speaks me who has both sets of grandparents having nothing or very little to do with our 4 dc. I would do anything to have either set of parents over to share my dc' s joy on Xmas morning. But that is just me. I would just delay then an hour or get the children up earlier and leave a few pressys for them to open with grandparents.

Alwayschanging1 · 16/10/2016 11:24

But OP is not trying to cut back the time with the FILS - she just trying to arrange so it's not at 8 am Xmas morning. Would anybody want guests round at 8 am on any other day?
As to the equal division of time between families, sounds like OP's are involved, supportive, willingly spend time with each other and help each other out. DH's family don't do that. So why does OP have to bend over backwards to be 'fair' at Xmas when the FILS don't bother much the rest of the year?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/10/2016 11:26

But OP is not trying to cut back the time with the FILS - she just trying to arrange so it's not at 8 am Xmas morning. Would anybody want guests round at 8 am on any other day?

Christmas day isn't 'any other day' though is it.

OP wants everything on her terms.

Her DH isn't happy to change what they currently do.

Soubriquet · 16/10/2016 11:26

We always had grandparents around between 8-9 am

It was the most exciting part of Christmas. Get up early do presents with mum and dad, then an hour later nanny and grandad come

RhiWrites · 16/10/2016 11:26

I was getting a screwdriver the other week to open a toy car and he followed me and took it off me so he could do it.

Is the real reason you don't want him there is because you're not confident enough to tell him to back off? Don't give him the screwdriver or whatever. Say
"It's okay FIL I've got this." or "I'd like to do this myself".

But it sounds as though FIL enjoys the unwrapping and putting the presents together and doesn't connect with a lot of other ways to relate to the kids. You have lots of times for family bonding and being with your family. Is it so much to ask that he gets involved with the kids on Xmas morning?

pictish · 16/10/2016 11:27

Because every family dynamic is different. It's not a bloody competition ffs.

Nishky · 16/10/2016 11:34

1smarty I assume when your children are grown up you will tell them to do the same and make your own arrangements for Christmas?

midcenturymodern · 16/10/2016 11:35

So why does OP have to bend over backwards to be 'fair' at Xmas when the FILS don't bother much the rest of the year?

The OP and her DP both work and spend every Saturday with the OPs aunt. Given their ages it's likely that the FIL and his partner work too. They still manage to see them every fortnight so it's hardly not bothering. I'm struggling to see how they could be more involved tbh.

My mother sees my dcs about 3x a year but I'm not about to tell her to go fuck herself at Christmas.

Alwayschanging1 · 16/10/2016 11:38

OP isn't telling anyone to go fuck themselves. She just asking them to come later in the day. Confused

pictish · 16/10/2016 11:42

I think every couple of weeks is thoroughly involved and present too. Or are the in laws not permitted a life of their own beyond their grandchildren? That's OP chooses to spend practically every moment of her spare time en masse with her family is her lookout...it doesn't reflect badly on the in laws at all.

Ausernotanumber · 16/10/2016 11:43

I see my aunt a coup,e of times a year. We are still,close.

When are they supposed to see the in laws as the op has every spare instant just about monopolised with her family

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/10/2016 11:44

She just asking them to come later in the day.

If OPs DH said We aren't going to go to your parents Christmas Eve, or your Aunts every single Saturday would the OP be ok with that?

Alwayschanging1 · 16/10/2016 11:44

So the MN message is clear - you do not have any right to decide when visitors come to your home on Xmas day - it is all about accommodating everybody else and fitting in around what they want. All of their plans are more important than anything you might want to do on the day.
You are not allowed a few hours by yourselves and you must welcome complete strangers into your house at 8 am with a gracious smile.
Welcome to your new life as a doormat.

midcenturymodern · 16/10/2016 11:45

I'm talking in the broader sense of if you have a life don't bother the rest of the year then you shouldn't expect anyone to 'bend over backwards' at Christmas.
I think it's insane that someone who sees the dgc every fortnight is described as not bothering.

As an aside, I strongly suspect that later in the day will be eaten up by the OPs family and the FIL will be painted as not bothering because he can't fall into line with the tight schedule of nuclear family time and OPs family time.

rollonthesummer · 16/10/2016 11:45

Op-when do you propose you see your in laws on Xmas day. When do you leave to go to your family? When are you home again?

pictish · 16/10/2016 11:46

Don't be silly Always. Hmm

pictish · 16/10/2016 11:48

I think OP's young age does come into this - she clearly believes that her family dynamic is the 'correct' one and anything else is less or wrong. That's inexperience for you.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/10/2016 11:50

So the MN message is clear - you do not have any right to decide when visitors come to your home on Xmas day

Errrrr no. The message is, you can't dictate to your DH what you want is all that matters when you seem to spend a lot of time all free time with your own family.

Fairenuff · 16/10/2016 11:59

She just asking them to come later in the day.

But at what time?

FIL usually leaves at 9.45 to go to the swim thing. We don't know how long this lasts.

MIL usually arrives at 'lunchtime'. This isn't specific enough OP. Is lunchtime 12.00 or 1.00? We need to narrow down this margin.

Can FIL and MIL be there at the same time?

We need you to clarify the timings if we are to help you reschedule.

How about this:

You get up at 7.00am
DCs awake by 8.00am
FIL arrives after swim thing at 11.00am
FIL leaves by 12.30 and MIL arrives for lunch at 1.00
MIL leaves by 3.00pm and you go to your family.

Would that work?

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 16/10/2016 12:02

Don't let him come round, op, just don't.

I let my in laws come round on Christmas morning at 6am after all MN called me a bitch for saying no.
I had to keep my kids from their toys on Christmas morning, then watch FIL break 3 things we had bought trying to get them out of packaging. I then went to make breakfast, came into the kitchen to find FIL jamming a fish slice into the grill (broke 3 weeks later as a result of damage) and the kids breakfast ruined.
I ended up back in bed in tears by 10am (I was sent to bed by FIL for not being jolly enough). I was seriously ill at the time and had Christmas ruined, had to cater for them all day and make them dinner when I really didn't want them to be round any more after their behaviour.
I asked my mum if she'd like to come over to see kids open presents, and she said she would but wouldn't dream of asking as she had had her chance to see her own kids open gifts, and she would never want to spoil it for us. I don't always get along with my mum but I really appreciated her saying that and felt she was completely right.

You've put up with this for years, it makes you unhappy. Stop it now. It will be harder to stop every year, your kids won't be young forever, and you deserve at least one happy memory of a Christmas morning where YOU and their dad help them open their presents.

Kewcumber · 16/10/2016 12:04

Ignore the madness.

It isn't unreasonable to not want visitors at 8 am, what's the problem with saying to FIL "why don't you come over after your swim this year and we'll make you some brunch"

I do think you need to look at your relationship with FIL in particular - your MIL doesn't sound at all engaged but FIL visiting once a fortnight is relatively normal and par for the course for many grandparents. So don't judge him by your unusually close contact with your extended family.

Memoires · 16/10/2016 12:13

I think it's reasonable to want to spend the first part of the morning doing your own family thing. Tell FIL to come later, and next year try to organise things so that you are hosting - see what happens.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 16/10/2016 12:15

I agree that it isn't unreasonable to want visitors at 8am however I also suspect that if the FIL suggests a later time that won't be convenient either as it will affect the time the op spends with her family. There is a serious imbalance here that does need addressing not just about Christmas but overall. Op you are a grown woman and it does sound like you rely a little bit too much on your family.

NameChanged38a · 16/10/2016 12:22

How about the FIL's schedule, though?

I think it's difficult because there is just a small window the FIL can visit. I don't understand why this needs to be a difficult situation, actually. It's just one hour/year.

pictish · 16/10/2016 12:24

"I agree that it isn't unreasonable to want visitors at 8am however I also suspect that if the FIL suggests a later time that won't be convenient either"

I agree with this. I think 8am is early doors for visitors too, but the OP doesn't want to have them at any other time either because it impinges on her time with her family that she sees every spare second of every other livelong bloody day as well as Christmas anyway.
Very selfy indeed. That's the problem.

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