To not want Hubby's parents over Christmas morning

[Bananamama1213]

Our children are 3 and 4. Every year since they've been born, hubby's dad and Step-mum invite themselves over at 8am because it fits in with them going to a Christmas swim at the beach (to watch). They live 30 minutes away.

His dad takes over with presents. He will sit down on the floor and help then open them and then open up all the boxes and put things together. I hate it because he pushes me out and I can never enjoy the morning as a family.

They are my children, I believe that it's okay for me as a mother to have the morning with my children.

Last year he brought 2 of his sisters down who me and kids have never met before! (We've been together 8 years). So kids were nervous opening them. It was very overwhelming having 4 extra adults in my front room.

I'm thinking that they can come over later or Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. We go to my family every year as we all live down the same road and have Christmas dinner there. We hadn't seen his mum for two months until today, and his dad we see fortnightly. Whereas my family is so close, we all go to my Aunties on a Saturday for 3-4 hours!

Yabu. And another example of someone prioritising your own parents over your husbands parents. How would you like it if he said the same about your parents? If you feel they take over then say something. When my Mum was alive she always came at 7am to see the kids opening their presents, in fact my brother, who's single with no kids still does. And my DH doesn't object - because you know they are family.

Christmas morning is sacred. Whatever else you do with the day, you're of course entitled to not have people over. Do give some thought to how you can welcome them at another time, though.

MarthasHarbour

Why is it stifling? My DP loves and embraces our Christmas traditions. We play games, have funny secret santas, open presents, eat, drink and be merry. What is stifling? Plus he loves it because he gets to see the joy and excitement on our DD's face. What's not to like?

Didn't see it as relevant at first but it may interest you all to know that my DP and I live with my parents whilst we save up for a mortgage. So being here for Christmas isn't all that different.

Yabu! I'd love Xmas visitors at 8am with children in the age range you (and I) have. I can't persuade GP to come over any earlier than 11.30 by which point the kids have been up six hours and are well past their best. Four extra adults made you feel uncomfortable? Really?

I don't think there needs to be absolute equality but there is a gulf between absolute equality and seeing one side of the family for the whole day every year and not seeing the other side at all. There are relevant factors such as geography, closeness, and giving a shit about Christmas but in general I think it's unreasonable to say one set of grandparents can't be accommodated because they interfere with family time but the other set will be visited for the whole day.

I think it's relevant to know if the swim grandparents are saying 'We want see you on Xmas day but the only time we have free is 8am so we will come then' or if they are saying 'We want to see you on Xmas day but the only time you will accommodate us is 8am so we will come then'

Every year you see your family, who you are close with,
Maybe because you have excluded dh's family along the way, looks to me like your trying to reduce this even further. Christmas is about family. Not just you are yours.

Maybe have them for dinner,
I bet you'd be inviting your mum for present opening then. Sound a tad selfish?

I agree with Francis

Maybe they feel that that is the only time you can tolerate them: after all - they are 30 mins away, which means they have to get up at least at 7.00 to be washed and dressed and on the road in time to get to yours for 8.00. - and that's not allowing for any breakfast. Who wants o do that on Christmas Morning (or any morning) if they don't feel they have to.

I can see why you're miffed, but maybe if you made them feel more welcome at a later time it would help.

Perhaps they brought the aunts because they were their guests, and it seemed rude leaving them in the house alone while they went to see the DGCs.

" Whereas my family is so close, we all go to my Aunties on a Saturday for 3-4 hours!"

Some would say close, some would say claustrphobic!

Well, I think FIL sounds lovely.

I guess he thinks it's be proactive or be left out.

When else should he see them on Christmas Day?

When does MIL see them?

Sorry to those pp's who think op is being unreasonable but you (incl dh and dc's) are obviously very close to your family as you spend a lot of time with them & not so much with il's. So, whilst it's right to see them at some point over Christmas, that doesn't have to be first thing Christmas morning. Just agree with dh another time that ils will be invited, make it special for them when they come. I note you haven't been invited there at any point and they brought strangers with them on Christmas morning. This is your life too. You're not saying exclude them. You're just saying that the slot they've allocated themselves (as it's convenient for them) doesn't work for you anymore. And don't mess up everyone else's Christmas traditions over it. I had il's just like that. Change now while dc's are still little xxx

I can understand you wanting those first Christmas moments to be family only. Ask( or tell ) the Inlaws to come after the swimming saying you will have nice warm snacks and a hot drink for them. Keep a few presents back so granddad can still enjoy opening gifts with his grandchildren. To you he is 'only' an in law but to them he is a very close relation.

I think on the whole families do tend to spend more time with the maternal grandparents (we certainly did although my dad's mum lived in the same city and my maternal grandparents were in another country!) especially so when the maternal family live nearby. That is all the more reason to put in extra effort to allow the other grandparents and grandchildren to develop their own bonds and traditions.

YANBU. We have a similar arrangement; ILs arrive early en route to visit other relatives, create havoc then leave. This is despite us having to spend every Boxing Day with them basically repeating Christmas Day! Last year they arrived around 7.30, MIL looked me up and down and said "Hmm, still in your pyjamas I see?" Before complaining that I was obviously very disorganised not to be dressed and ready

This year I'm putting my foot down. We're moving house at the end of this month and I see this as I time to start doing things our own way.

I would get up half an hour earlier my kids have been known to be up at 4 in the morning with excitementopen the presents with the kids and have a cup of tea with DILs at 8. The present opening faff with them is the problem if DFIL is taking over.

People have different ways of doing things at Christmas and posters need to back off on criticising those who do Christmases differently to them. Some people swap over and back between family, some people visit the same family each year and some people host. All are valid if both partners are happy.

OP your choices are to either arrange for them to come after the beach, maybe suggest a light brunch to invite them to, if that would suit them. It doesn't have to be a lot of work just a buffet of canapes and cheeses. Maybe some hot port to warm them up after the beach (and something for the driver).

It's possible that won't suit as they may have their day quite tightly planned and need to go somewhere straight after the beach. So then you need to make sure that the 'Santa has been' part of the morning is done by 8am. Unbox and assemble all gifts on Christmas Eve. And either don't bother with wrapping or choose really minimal wrapping, like big gift bags and boxes that can just be opened. If you guys need to eat right away, have a bowl of snacks or some cereal bars ready to nibble on while you enjoy the gift opening. Then get up at 7am, spend an hour solely under the Christmas tree having your own private hour of fun. When your in laws arrive at 8 all the presents will be open and ready to play with. Your FIL can get down on the floor and play to his heart's content and you can get on with making yourself some coffee and a proper breakfast. In fact why not make a nice festive meal of it. Have something easy/prepared like baked eggs/frittata/breakfast cake/pastries/etc. Light candles, play Christmas music, have a box of small crackers and all sit down together for half an hour over a lovely Christmas breakfast wearing silly hats and having fun. It could become a lovely tradition for all of you.

Can't you change it completely and suggest you go to his for Christmas dinner. That way you get to have the morning to yourselves. Is there anything stopping him from doing that, then perhaps visit your parents in time for tea?, it else leave your parents till Boxing Day. I'd have hated people arriving so early on Christmas morning, family or no family.

When does MIL see them? she gets thrown a scrap on the 27th

YANBU. It would take all of the joy out of Christmas morning if I had to spend it with my ILs. We also go to my DM's for Christmas lunch every year because she is a widow and I'm an only child whereas DH's parents have each other, 4 other children and another GC.

They come to us on Boxing Day in the morning with their presents - also spreads it out a bit for the kids - and I do a nice lunch. Could something like this work for you, OP?

I'd just like to say I use Hubby because it's still quite new to us, we haven't been married long. I should point out I'm only 23 and he's 25.

Our families are very different. Mine are very close, I live around the corner from my mum and my auntie lives opposite. We lived down the same road as his mum for 6 months when our son was born and she was too busy with her boyfriend to see us.

His family are very different. His dad will visit for around one hour fortnightly and his mum will stay for a couple of hours whenever suits her.

I cooked for MIL one year and it wasnt fun. FIL invited us for dinner one year but said we took too long to say if we could go (it took 2 weeks because we both work retail so needed to know shifts) so they invited someone else instead.

It's hard to explain really. He has no issue with going to my families for dinner every year and there is a lot of us who go (around 14 altogether). He gets on better with my family than his own.

We invited FIL to come with us when we had a day out with the children but they said no. Every visit is on their terms and we are made to feel guilty if we have plans when they want to come over. They wanted to have our son overnight once when he was 2, which we were okay with but once they found out he wouldn't sleep in a bed in a room by himself, they said they didn't want to.

I have told hubby that I'm more than happy for them to come over after the swim.

It's also my nephews first Christmas so we would be going to see my family anyway.

He wasn't happy when I suggested it because he said it's unfair. So I dropped it. A few days later he came to me and said that he was just annoyed and that he thinks it's normal for couples to fight about Christmas. He said that we could tell them to come later but hes scared to tell them so I'll have to do it.

Personally when it comes to presents, I see it as a Mum and Dad time. I won't get this time back and I've not been able to celebrate with just my children. We do see both his parents before we go see my family in the afternoon though.

I love all the suggestions on how the OP should accommodate her in-laws for a 'traditional breakfast' or brunch Why should she? I don't think she should be rude, but if the in-laws want to spend time with the kids on Christmas Day and the crack of dawn is the only time they want to suggest, it's not unreasonable for the OP to simply say, "That doesn't work for us this year; what other times could you do?" They could try inviting her over for Christmas night, or coming for an hour or two after breakfast, or suggesting alternating years for Christmas lunch. All reasonable options.

Grandparents love watching children open presents too. I really don't get why it's ' mum and dad' time. Are all the presents from mum and dad or are they from other people too?

Wake the children at 5am.

I'm afraid that you sound very controlling and like you perceive your relationship with your family over his.

Can you understand all the comments about how unbalanced it all feels?

FWIW your FIL sounds like a great grandad.

I'm sure this will get backs up but usually goes like this..

Christmas Eve - hubby works until around 6pm (his choice) while I go to my mums and we play board games with a little buffet, while all the children play. They have their Christmas Eve box (pjs, film, hot xhocolate, reindeer food). I have younger sisters (7&9) so the kids are really close.
Christmas Day - we get up whenever children do (I'm usually first one up at 7 because I'm excited). FIL comes at 8-9:45. MIL comes either lunchtime or early afternoon. We go to my mums around 2-3pm.
Boxing Day - lazy day, cleaning up, sorting out gifts. Hubby will sometimes work the morning.

That's how we've always done it and he has been fine with it until I decided that I wanted the morning alone.

Can't they come round after the swim?

The presents we have at ours in the morning are just from us. In-laws bring theirs when they come