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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want Hubby's parents over Christmas morning

319 replies

Bananamama1213 · 16/10/2016 06:41

Our children are 3 and 4. Every year since they've been born, hubby's dad and Step-mum invite themselves over at 8am because it fits in with them going to a Christmas swim at the beach (to watch). They live 30 minutes away.

His dad takes over with presents. He will sit down on the floor and help then open them and then open up all the boxes and put things together. I hate it because he pushes me out and I can never enjoy the morning as a family.

They are my children, I believe that it's okay for me as a mother to have the morning with my children.

Last year he brought 2 of his sisters down who me and kids have never met before! (We've been together 8 years). So kids were nervous opening them. It was very overwhelming having 4 extra adults in my front room.

I'm thinking that they can come over later or Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. We go to my family every year as we all live down the same road and have Christmas dinner there. We hadn't seen his mum for two months until today, and his dad we see fortnightly. Whereas my family is so close, we all go to my Aunties on a Saturday for 3-4 hours!

OP posts:
Inertia · 16/10/2016 10:17

I'm amazed that children of the age yours are are in bed and waiting until 8am! Rather than expecting your PIL to rejig their day, why don't you get up an hour earlier to have your present opening time with the children, and when the ILs arrive then the children can open and build presents from grandparents?

Original poster
Bananamama1213 · 16/10/2016 10:18

I've spent every Christmas morning the same way with FIL since our children were born.
I want to be with my children on our own for even an hour in the morning. But I'm not going to wake them up earlier than they wake themselves up and spoil the rest of their day because they'll be tired.

He only gets down and does that on Christmas. He's always moaning that they're loud and excitedablr when he comes on a fortnight.

I was getting a screwdriver the other week to open a toy car and he followed me and took it off me so he could do it.

I can't stress enough that he gets on better with my family than his own. He spends more time with them (I don't force him to be around them, he comes willingly) (not on a special occasion)

OP posts:
Batteriesallgone · 16/10/2016 10:18

Wake the kids up earlier. Hide some presents from FIL and open after he's gone. Buy a token 'impossible to build' present and get them to open that first and get him started on that while you help DCs with other presents. Have Christmas brunch as your immediate family time - after FIL has gone, before your family.

I feel like there are quite a few ways to work around this really... but maybe just you don't want to? Do you just not like FIL? He's not there for long, I think you should suck it up - he leaves at a fixed time to go to the swim so you can plan pretty effectively around that I'd think.

RestlessTraveller · 16/10/2016 10:19

I'm struggling with the fact that you're both in your early twenties, both work in retail and you spend 4 hours EVERY Saturday at your aunt's house. Have you not got anything better to do with your precious Saturday's ?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/10/2016 10:20

My family are probably a bit too close but it's normal for me

As are mine and it is for me.

I still think YABVU.

Nishky · 16/10/2016 10:20

I want to be with my children for an hour cut back on the time with your family then? No?

Hippodisk · 16/10/2016 10:22

I don't think yabu op. it seems like your ils aren't really interested for the rest of the year but then want to be there for the best part of Christmas morning.

I go against the mn grain and don't think families should automatically be treated equally if they can't be bothered for the rest of the year.

your dh needs to grow a pair and tell his dad there's a change of plan this year, the morning isn't convenient but he's welcome to come after his swim.

Liiinoo · 16/10/2016 10:22

I am Shock at springers suggesting a buffet of canapés and cheese would be an easy opton on Christmas morning. That is domestic goddess territory to me. I was thinking more along the lines of bacon sandwiches. Now I want to go to Springers house.

Soubriquet · 16/10/2016 10:23

Look

All I can read here is "me me me. I I I"

Surely your Dh should have a voice here

Hide some presents if you must. Let your FIL open some presents and build them. You've got others to give after he's gone. It's an hour!!! Maybe two at a push! Give up an hour with your family. You see them all day Christmas Eve. They can can not seeing them for a few hours Christmas Day. And so can you.

Cut the apron strings. You're a grown woman with a husband and children.

KC225 · 16/10/2016 10:24

In your original post you said you wanted them to come Christmas eve or boxing day, it was other posters who suggested coming after the swim but good to see timbale entertaining the idea of change.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask them to come after the swim. Nor is it to not bring surprise guests. If they come after the swim, the kids will have opened their own presents. Bet at some point when the kids are nagging you to put ten kind of toys together or get it out of a box with bloody awful wire ties you'll be muttering 'wait till grandad gets here'

Ausernotanumber · 16/10/2016 10:24

So all of Christmas is your family and he wants to see his and you say no.

I think that's emotionally abusive to be honest.

YouTheCat · 16/10/2016 10:28

If you get up at 7 and fil arrives at 8, then that is a whole hour for opening presents before fil gets there.

Maybe let the kids open a couple of things with just you and then do a bit more gift opening when fil is there. Then everyone is happy and it spreads the excitement a bit more. Or are you one of those people who makes the kids get dressed before they can open anything? Hmm

You seem to be a bit stubborn and rigid.

FlamingoSnuffle · 16/10/2016 10:31

I think YANBU and I completely understand what you want.

As a child we had Christmas day as just us, no one else. Up and open presents, church in the morning (like every Sunday) then back, play with presents and a Christmas lunch. We saw my maternal Grandma on Christmas eve and my paternal Grandma on boxing day.

Because of geography we do Christmas morning here, drive over to my sister's and see my side of the family as we all congregate there. Have Christmas dinner, open presents, then back in the car and drive over to my FIL's and see DH's side of the family.

Boxing day is sacred in our house because we will not share it with anyone. We want 1 day at Christmas as a family.

If you are going to change anything then you need to do it now. I would tell your FIL he needs to come after the swim and not before. That you want to enjoy your children opening their presents from you and your Dh alone.

Your FIL will still get to see them open the presents he has brought with him, and still get down on the floor and be involved for that.

FlabulousChic · 16/10/2016 10:31

Id tell them to come later it's not unreasonable. My kids used to get up at 6am!

Huldra · 16/10/2016 10:33

It does sound like getting on with it may not be ideal, I would find visitors at 8am tough. It still could be the best option though. Unlesss there are deep issues with fil you really should make it a little fair. If your dp doesn't get on with him well anyway at least the 8am visit is self limiting because they have to be somewhere else. For an hour you can have xmas duty towards fil done and dusted.

Both you and your husband are capable of reigning fil in a bit, one present at a time please, kids slow down, fil I was looking forward to putting that one together later, or whatever. You could always start opening presents earlier and leaving a couple of the more irritating toys for fil to put together Grin Is it possible to hold a few presents back until after they have gone?

Gatehouse77 · 16/10/2016 10:33

How about staggering the opening of presents? They start off with stockings (if you do them) and open the gifts from your FIL whilst he's there.
Stop for breakfast, shoo FIL out the door so you can all 'get ready for the day', open gifts from you and DH then get ready?
Then MIL comes round, open her gifts.
Off to your DPs and the rest of the day is yours.

Alternatively, open yours and DHs gifts on Christmas Day evening when you're back home but that may be a big ask of 3/4 year olds to wait that long. Or the parents!

SporkLife · 16/10/2016 10:34

Your family gets to see your kids all of Christmas Eve and most of Christmas Day? Yabu if you want to open some presents alone hold a few back for when your PiL leave and open them after they have gone, don't cut them out of present opening entirely what's the harm in your fil opening a few presents with the kids.

Nishky · 16/10/2016 10:36

I am also amazed at these late sleeping children! Dh used to go to bed relatively early on Christmas Eve - I would stay up until past midnight to make sure they were asleep before I put stockings on their beds.

Stockings were opened around 5am ( sometimes we had sent them back to bed a couple of times!)

Then dh would watch 'it's a wonderful life' with them while I went back to sleep for a bit!

Now they are teenagers I am the first up on Christmas Day!

TataEs · 16/10/2016 10:38

she's not saying no, she's saying could they come after the swim?
if my FIL was turning up at 8am i'd have to be up, dressed, makeup etc, whilst kids are excitable etc... i don't see why it's reasonable for the OP the have to fit in with her ILs plans, but not for the ILs to fit in with hers.

this year i said to DH its up to him to decide where he'd like to spend christmas as we were at my mums last year (but have spent with his mum and at home by ourselves before) and he chose my mums! it's nice t inconceivable that OP's DH is actually happy spending time with the OPs family at christmas.

GinAndTunic · 16/10/2016 10:39

YABU x 2: for using the revolting term 'hubby' and for relegating your in-laws to Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/10/2016 10:41

If you are going to change anything then you need to do it now

Then how about changing the time they spend with OP family then? Half of every Saturday, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day etc. Yet it is 'inconvenient' to have IL over for an hour!

midcenturymodern · 16/10/2016 10:41

If they are coming after the swim and you don't like 4 adults in the house at the same time then you might have to bump MIL down the schedule slightly, which will impact on the time that you get to the main attraction your family. Are you OK with that or is it more of a case of wanting to directly swap seeing them for not seeing them and have the rest of the day in the same routine as always?
If you want to be with your family by 2 and they FIL is busy between 10-12 then you might have to do some compromising when you juggle.

Alwayschanging1 · 16/10/2016 10:41

If FIL arrived and fitted in with what was happening, that would be one thing. But he turns up and takes over, brings unknown guests at 8 in the morning, and doesn't get involved much at any other time.
I hate people who drop in for the fun stuff like this but do not engage the rest of the year. They want the glory bits of being a grandparent but without the bother of any of the ordinary dull bits.
I've had the same problem with my DM. We spend all afternoon and evening with her on Xmas day and always have, but she insists that if we don't spend the morning with her too we are 'cutting her out of our lives'. Bollocks to that. We are allowed a few hours by ourselves, in our PJs, opening presents and not worrying about looking after guests.
Xmas when you have young kids can turn in to a performance if you are not careful with relatives watching them and how cute they are round the clock.
OP - I don't think you are being unreasonable to invite guests round at a time on Xmas day that suits you. You are allowed to have a few hours to yourselves on Xmas day. Your kids aren't public property and they do not need to be on show round the clock.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/10/2016 10:42

she's not saying no, she's saying could they come after the swim?

Actually her OP didn't say that at all. It was Christmas Eve or Boxing day

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/10/2016 10:43

I don't think you are being unreasonable to invite guests round at a time on Xmas day that suits you.

It doesn't suit her DH!