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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he shouldn't be kicking up such a fuss

281 replies

Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 17:41

I had arranged to meet a friend this evening, and wasn't planning to get back late, so DH was going to take me to and pick me up from the train station. Train station is less than ten minutes away.

Now he is refusing to. If I want to go out I need to be responsible for myself, which is all very well and good except if he'd said something earlier I could have made arrangements earlier. Now I'm stuck Sad

OP posts:
memyselfandaye · 15/10/2016 19:52

You just keep making excuses, you either find your self respect and get rid of the dickhead or carry on as you are, and fwiw your life sounds miserable.

I may sound harsh but there are so many threads by women who just let themselves be walked over time after time, where are all the strong independant women who would tell him and his ilk to fuck right off?

Why do you put up with this shite?

Your child is going to grow up witnessing Daddy treating Mummy like crap and Mummy letting him.

I just don't get it, leave his sulking sorry arse.

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 19:52

I've nowhere to go. That doesn't mean I never will. I don't know. Try and see it form my poor. Of view.

OP posts:
babyboomersrock · 15/10/2016 19:53

OP you shouldn't need to rely on his "generosity" (who does he think he is??). You have rights - to money, transport, free time, whatever.

Don't let this continue or he'll grind you down completely.

AnyFucker · 15/10/2016 19:54

I am sorry about your mum. It sounds like you have missed out on the support she could have given you Thanks

Well, I am probably old enough to be your mum and I am telling you that you are selling yourself short.

NicknameUsed · 15/10/2016 19:54

"But they say he is controlling. One of my friends is very concerned but she is quite strong, she laughs at him and tells him to get over himself."

Listen to your friends.

Why are you buying petrol for his car if he won't let you drive it?

JenLindleyShitMom · 15/10/2016 19:55

It's never as simple as just leaving. It takes planning and time.

OP what do you think would need to be in place for you to leave? What do you need to do?

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/10/2016 19:56

Is this man your father or your partner?

Your passive acceptance of being 'told off' and effectively grounded at home (again, is he your Dad?) means he knows he can easily do this, and you won't fight back.

So he keeps doing it.

ShebaShimmyShake · 15/10/2016 19:56

You are married with a child. Half of everything is yours if you divorce and if you are the main carer he will also owe child maintenance. And you will be able to spend money and leave the house as you wish (childcare notwithstanding), your life your own. How does that sound?

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 19:56

Well it was me who drove it. It's my car. But he takes the keys. Writing it down like that makes me see how fuxked up that is.

OP posts:
Nurszilla · 15/10/2016 19:57

What's his justification for taking your car keys?

ShebaShimmyShake · 15/10/2016 19:58

Wait, earlier you said the car was in his name. Who's the registered keeper?

RubbishMantra · 15/10/2016 19:58

Husbands aren't "generous" to their wives.

They see their wife as an equal, and behave accordingly.

i.e. all money goes into the pot, bills, savings, pensions etc. come out of that pot. What's left over (I believe) should be shared out equally.

You too working full time, split between being a mum and also working p/t. I expect you put at least as many hours of work into the day, probably more.

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/10/2016 19:59

He'd take you off the insurance on your car?!? Shock

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 19:59

It's his really I suppose. Basically he bought the car for me. But he decides if I can drive it or not

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 15/10/2016 20:01

If you got a speeding ticket, which name would it come addressed to? Who is the registered owner with the DVLA?

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 20:02

I don't know him I think. I think, he can drive either car but I can only drive mine.

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 15/10/2016 20:02

He's sounding more and more like your dad with every post.

It's not normal.

NicknameUsed · 15/10/2016 20:04

Check the documents then. If it is your car hide the spare keys in case you need them.

Please, please accept that this is not how a functional relationship works.

ShebaShimmyShake · 15/10/2016 20:06

You have two cars and you're not the registered owner for the one intended for you? And he keeps the keys?

You're little more than a prisoner. I'd say you're in a gilded cage but there's nothing even superficially pleasant about it.

I bet I know what comes next if you try to confront him. You've got mental health issues (I wonder why!) that he'll threaten to use against you in a divorce case, right? Right? Because you'd have to be ill to leave a man like him, right? And he decides if you're sane, right?

Chippednailvarnishing · 15/10/2016 20:06

If you can't control your money, you can't control your life.

You are clearly living without any autonomy and more worryingly it doesn't seem to occur to you to question what is going on around you.

NotAnotherUserName1234 · 15/10/2016 20:06

Do you have fully comp, have you been driving over 3 years? over aged 21? then chances are you have 3rd party fire & theft to drive other cars.

In other news please read 'A woman in your own right' and take a look at 'the freedom program'

Madinche1sea · 15/10/2016 20:07

HOW can you be married with separate finances. His money is yours and vice versa. If you can have a child together, surely you can have a joint account?
What do you mean he HOLDS the car keys?
How can you live like this?

Doublemint · 15/10/2016 20:07

Jeez he sounds very very controlling and abusive.
It comes across as he has worn you down and made you feel reliant on him and his super amazing financial skills. I highly suspect he is gaslighting you.
The whole " who owns the car" issue is fucked up. If he got you a car it is yours to drive and access whenever you require it.
It is not something you get as a reward for being "good". He can only take you off of insurance if he is the main person named on the policy. Sort that out and get your own insurance. Tell him you want to be named as registered keeper of the vehicle as it was a gift to you.
Then I'd be seriously thinking its time to get in your car and leave.

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 20:07

I don't have any mental health conditions? I'm worried now do I sound like I do??

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 15/10/2016 20:08

I doubt this pig of a man lets her know where the documents are. Ring DVLA on Monday and find out. Unlikely her jailer would have put her name on it.