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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he shouldn't be kicking up such a fuss

281 replies

Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 17:41

I had arranged to meet a friend this evening, and wasn't planning to get back late, so DH was going to take me to and pick me up from the train station. Train station is less than ten minutes away.

Now he is refusing to. If I want to go out I need to be responsible for myself, which is all very well and good except if he'd said something earlier I could have made arrangements earlier. Now I'm stuck Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/10/2016 19:38

and he will find a way to sabotage those other tickets you have bought. Mark my words.

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 19:39

I don't know AF ... I mean I DO agree he is controlling but I have got to hold my hand up here, money ...

It just flies our. I'm so bad with it and I know I am and I get angry with myself. DH is far more responsible. But where I do agree he is wrong is, he then uses it to punish or reward. And now I'm being punished.

OP posts:
RubbishMantra · 15/10/2016 19:40

As laurey asked, do you have children together and do you have your own income?

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 19:40

Sorry we do have a child yes and I have a job but don't earn much.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 15/10/2016 19:42

Food, toiletries and petrol are essential costs. How much does he give you for the week? Could you make your allowance last while covering your expenses? And anyway, he said you'd have money for tonight so he can't go reneging on that just because you've displeased him. Nor can he hold you under house arrest.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life being held to ransom every time you displease this turd?

AnyFucker · 15/10/2016 19:42

In my relationship, all money is shared

Neither of us is ever in the position of "running out" and having to go cap in hand for more

It is abusive love

Nurszilla · 15/10/2016 19:43

OP how old are you? You sound quite young, I don't mean this offensively just wondering what position in life you are in at the moment.

Do you have any close friends?
Does he always try to sabotage your social life like this?

Nurszilla · 15/10/2016 19:44

Posted too soon there. What about your family? Anyone other than him that's supporting you at the moment?

ShebaShimmyShake · 15/10/2016 19:44

To clarify, I ask if you could make the allowance last not because it's a fair system (you should have access to family money) but because I want to know if he's setting you up to fail by intentionally keeping you short so you can't make it last and then he can use your supposed fiscal irresponsibility to keep control of money.

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 19:45

The petrol is essential but I do buy stuff I don't need even when I know strictly speaking I shouldn't. I do think he quite likes it when i run out though he feels - not sure what word I mean but powerful? When he gives me money.

OP posts:
RubbishMantra · 15/10/2016 19:46

So I'm guessing you do most of the child care, therefore enabling him to be the higher earner, and furthering his career? Please don't tell me he keeps his wages for himself and doesn't look upon it as family money? Do you halve bills/mortgage equally?

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 19:46

I have a couple of friends ... They like him. But they say he is controlling. One of my friends is very concerned but she is quite strong, she laughs at him and tells him to get over himself.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 15/10/2016 19:46

Please tell us, OP. If you simply took the keys and drove the car while insured, and if you told him you want equal access to the pot of family money (you do have one, right? Being married and with a child?), what would he do?

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 19:46

Rubbish yes - he actually is generous. Very generous. But it's all on his terms?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/10/2016 19:46

Yeah, he thinks he's The Big Man doesn't he ?

Pathetic little turdweasel

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 19:47

He'd take me off the insurance if I did that to be honest

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 15/10/2016 19:47

As a proportion of pay, how much does he contribute towards essential household expenses?

I'd bet my bottom dollar that he's the one who has told you, repeatedly, that you are no good with money. He's said it so many times, you believe him.

He sounds like he is gas lighting. He sounds financially abusive.

My ex regularly did this. He called me childish a lot. But guess who's still living with his mother?

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 19:47

I didn't think I could be cheered up tonight but turd weasel has done it [grin ]

OP posts:
JenLindleyShitMom · 15/10/2016 19:48

he actually is generous. Very generous. But it's all on his terms?

Then it's not generous, it's controlling. He uses his "generosity" to control you.

Nurszilla · 15/10/2016 19:48

Could you not call them and see what they're up to tonight, tell them the situation and ask one of them to pick you up? What do you think they would say if you did?

If any of my friends called me in your position I would be there in a heartbeat.

AnyFucker · 15/10/2016 19:49

Generosity on his terms is not generosity

Are you close to your mum....have you told her any of this ?

PlumsGalore · 15/10/2016 19:49

Love, this is shit. When I see my ex work friends DH drives a 25 mile round trip to collect me, I like a drink but would drive if needs be. I have occasionally got the train when it's been an afternoon session and got home early evening, but he always picks me up from the station. He may have to pause the footie, or time his takeaway around me, he may moan a little but that is a normal relationship. Actually, he doesn't ever moan, that's me when I have to collect him from rugby.

ShebaShimmyShake · 15/10/2016 19:49

Everyone who's not living hand to mouth buys stuff they don't NEED. I didn't NEED to go out for lunch today. I didn't NEED to buy the nice moisturiser that I like rather than the cheapest stuff. But I wanted to and I could afford to. It's normal living. What exactly do you buy that he has decided you don't NEED?

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 19:49

My mum died ages and ages ago, I was still in primary school.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 15/10/2016 19:51

So if you're not on the insurance, will he drive your child everywhere she needs to go?