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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he shouldn't be kicking up such a fuss

281 replies

Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 17:41

I had arranged to meet a friend this evening, and wasn't planning to get back late, so DH was going to take me to and pick me up from the train station. Train station is less than ten minutes away.

Now he is refusing to. If I want to go out I need to be responsible for myself, which is all very well and good except if he'd said something earlier I could have made arrangements earlier. Now I'm stuck Sad

OP posts:
Doublemint · 15/10/2016 20:20

Put it this way OP, in a normal relationship if this scenario had come up (if it was me and my DH for example), if he was being a dick and not giving me a lift I'd say "fuck you I'm going out anyway", take my car keys and go out. With my money, our money whatever.
He might be a bit pissed off but he'd never put me in that place in the first place. And if he did (say if he was ill or wanted a drink himself or whatever) hed realise v quickly he was being an arse for messing up my plans. He would never withhold access to my property or manipulate my social life.

Oldbutstillgotit · 15/10/2016 20:22

OP- this was me 25 years ago. As I read your posts I felt emotions that I thought were long gone. You need to leave . Although you have not mentioned physical violence I fear that will be next as it was with me. Only when I ended up in hospital with cracked ribs and other injuries did I - finally - with the help of dear friends manage to leave. It was hard but you can do it. Do it for your child . I send you my very best wishes and a huge hug . X

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 20:23

I can't tell you all I am going to leave because I am just too scared. But I don't know what I want. I mostly just feel so scared what have I done

OP posts:
ZanyMobster · 15/10/2016 20:25

This is so sad to read. The thing is, this situation is very familiar to me, a close friend of mine was (still is) in a very similar relationship. It won't change, it never will. Only you can make the changes.

If the station is less than 10 mins drive, it is about half hour walk so definitely not too far. I think maybe it is more likely you are worried what will actually happen if you said, fine I don't need you to take me I will just walk etc. That is where the control comes in, he knows full well you wouldn't just go out.

I wonder if you are actually as bad with money as you are trying to say, do you have equal spending money to him, not food/essential money, just spends? If not then you probably aren't as bad with money as you think. It's not like you're out buying Jimmy Choos etc. Toiletries and clothes are hardly extravagant.

ShebaShimmyShake · 15/10/2016 20:26

Call Women's Aid. You can't just up and leave like that, you need thinking time and counselling and preparation. It will not happen overnight. But now you have had a revelation, and it's obvious you are a smart and critically thinking woman. You are strong and you can do this. Make the WA call for help with the current feelings and next step.

Soubriquet · 15/10/2016 20:26

You've done nothing wrong

It's hard to see these things if that's all you've ever known

But it's time to start retaking control

Save your money. Reclaim your car and start living an independent life

If he objects, divorce him

diddl · 15/10/2016 20:40

So in theory, you have your own car & could have got yourself to & from the station, even after your husband going bak on his word at the 11th hr.

Doublemint · 15/10/2016 20:40

what have I done

You haven't done anything wrong. This example has just been the catalyst for you to see how abnormal and unhealthy your relationship is. It speaks volumes that your initial reaction is to blame yourself. He has damaged you, your belief in yourself, your view of yourself. You can get yourself back even after years of brainwashing and control/ learnt passivity.

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 20:43

I couldn't diddl he has the keys, I need to think

OP posts:
diddl · 15/10/2016 20:54

That's why I put in theory.

He is blaming you for not being "responsible for yourself".

But has taken the means of you doing that away from you.

Mabelface · 15/10/2016 20:55

Okay, you now realise that this isn't a healthy relationship. You need time to process that information and think about what your next steps are. You don't need to do this tonight, or tomorrow, but when you're ready, there are people out there willing and able to help you, you don't have to stay like this for life.

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 21:01

I have so appreciated you all being here tonight

OP posts:
BeenThereDoneThatForgotten · 15/10/2016 21:01

So as I understand it, you are meant to be going out, but don't have any money nor the keys to your OWN car? This is indeed seriously fucked up. He doesn't sound very nice at all. I would seriously be considering my options here. And I mean seriously. Sad

dontcallmelen · 15/10/2016 21:12

Noton I feel for you, I would suggest that maybe Tomorrow you go back through this thread, it may help you in realising that your relationship is not what most of us would call loving or supportive, you have received some excellent advice, but it takes time to process & work through what your options may be & access support that is available.
Take care 💐

Madinche1sea · 15/10/2016 21:19

OP - how does in work money-wise in your marriage then? You have separate accounts, but you earn less because you work part-time - is that right? Then you have to go cap-in-hand to him when you run out of money?
I've never asked DH for a penny for anything, even he's been the sole earner and I've been a SAHM for 12 years.
Having an argument has nothing to do with whether you go out or not. Most men would say, " Be safe, check you've got your card/ cash/ phone, do you need picking up?"
What did you argue about anyway?
Do you ever get to go out with friends?

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 21:21

Not quite, we have one account but I don't have the card unless he lets me. We argued over an item of furniture.

OP posts:
Madinche1sea · 15/10/2016 21:24

So what do you do if he's at work or out and you need money?

TwirlyFoo · 15/10/2016 21:24

Notonthetrain your posts are so sad and i don't mean that in a patronising way at all. But please read over them again as if you were reading someone else's posts and particularly af replies. What would you advise the op to do?
I really feel for you and hope you get some clarity from this thread.

CanuckBC · 15/10/2016 22:10

You have one account but you don't have access unless he lets you? He is financially abusive. You should have free rein of your money, your money being the joint family money. If spending is an issue, which I seriously doubt, you should still have access to a set amount for bills, gas, and a set extra each month. Do you know how much money is in the account? How much savings you have? I am sorry sweetie, the reality of your relationship is not so nice and generous but controlling and bleak. I live in Canada so my advice is more limited but it sounds like Woman's Aid is the way to go. Please do it soon as you seem to have realized the truth of your relationship. Leave while you are aware.

It will be hard and scary but once you are out you will feel so much better. I promise, you be yourself again, it will be so freeing.

Penfold007 · 15/10/2016 22:16

He has completely dominated you to the point you think his behaviour is normal. It isn't but I'm not sure your ready to accept that.

BuggersMuddle · 15/10/2016 23:03

OP this is wrong on so many levels. Let's just take the car. DP and I have a car each. I have keys to both, always - as does DP. It's just understood that I will generally take my car and he his, although if I need the 'big car' I'll flag it up and if I'm WFH he'll ask to take mine as it's more economical. This is normal. (Even within this, I had the 'family car' for years, but circumstance made it more sensible for this to swap). If he fucked off in my car because it was at the front or whatever without mentioning it, I might comment, but I'd just er...jump in the other car.

Shit with money: do you earn the same? What do you contribute relative to your earnings. This is important because assuming you make the same effort, you're a team and a team should split it's winnings as it were. (There are exceptions of course for people where one works really hard and another chooses to work short hours and expects 50/50 at home, but IME these are rare).

Also feel free not to answer, but a household not having £20 for a (rare) night out sounds a bit grim. Are you low income, or is he just controlling what you receive? I'd be very intrigued to know your relative salaries.

Also we can easily afford taxis, have a drink maybe 5 days a week (a drink, not a bucket, so maybe a beer with dinner & a bit more on the weekend). I've still picked up DP from nights out and he me and we can easily afford taxis.

YouTheCat · 15/10/2016 23:36

So you put your money in one account but you don't have free access to that?

That is seriously fucked up.

OP, please phone Woman's Aid for advice. They aren't just for people who are being physically abused.

RoseGoldHippie · 15/10/2016 23:37

Could you open your own account and have your wages go into that?

Has been shit reading this OP I really hope something changes for you soon xxx

MiscellaneousAssortment · 16/10/2016 00:04

Oh dear. You've had some harsh replies on here, so please don't take those to heart.

It just shows how different their expectations of the way adults treat each other actually are in comparison to your reality with this man.

Don't blame yourself, and don't feel pressured into doing things like leaving him quickly. It will take time, and you can get help. Flowers

NicknameUsed · 16/10/2016 00:08

If you have a joint account why don't you have a card each? This is how joint accounts usually work in a normal relationship.