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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he shouldn't be kicking up such a fuss

281 replies

Notonthetrain · 15/10/2016 17:41

I had arranged to meet a friend this evening, and wasn't planning to get back late, so DH was going to take me to and pick me up from the train station. Train station is less than ten minutes away.

Now he is refusing to. If I want to go out I need to be responsible for myself, which is all very well and good except if he'd said something earlier I could have made arrangements earlier. Now I'm stuck Sad

OP posts:
Booboopidoo · 16/10/2016 02:12

OP I just want to ask you to take really good care of yourself in the coming days and weeks. The realisations you have started to come to tonight will be difficult to deal with and you will need time to get your head around it all. You've had great advice already on here but please remember you can post as much as you need to and there will pretty much always be someone here to talk to.

You might find it useful to start a new post in the Relationships section when you're ready, there are lots of knowledgable posters over there who will help you get a plan together for what you want to do next. There's no rush, if you do decide to leave its better to do it with good planning behind you and you will get masses of help to do that planning both here and through Women's Aid.

For now though just try to keep things as normal and calm as you can, I do think your H is abusive and it's very common for abuse to get worse if the abusive partner realises you're thinking of leaving so you need to be careful. Take care online too, delete your history or use private browsing if there's any chance he could access your phone/computer.

I hope you're ok, tonight must have been tough for you Flowers

Peanutandphoenix · 16/10/2016 02:34

You need to LTB he is a controlling bully I have been in your situation and finding the strength to throw his cheating ass out on my birthday was the best decision I ever made.

ohtheholidays · 16/10/2016 03:15

OP the one thing I would say to you is this if your DC was in a relationship with someone who wouldn't let them have a card for they're own bank account,would'nt let them drive they're own car without permission and kicked off and started an argument if your DC ever wanted to go out would you think that was a normal and healthy relationship?
Would you be happy for your DC to spend the next 50-60 years of they're life living like that?

If that kind of relationship isn't good enough for your DC then it's not good enough for you!

AuroraBora · 16/10/2016 04:18

Start planning your escape.

How much do you earn? Is it enough that you could rent somewhere alone?
Find out if your car is registered to you and make sure you have copies of the paperwork. Ditto with any other useful paperwork.

What's your job like? Could you hide your paperwork there so he won't accidentally find it?

If you earn enough, could you change it so your wage goes into your own account that he can't access, feign ignorance to him and say work have cocked up pay and you haven't been paid, then escape after a couple of pay packets?

Most importantly I suspect he has spent a long time telling you that you are thick and careless with money and that things are your fault. Don't believe him. You do not sound thick, you just sound bewildered and fed up. Be strong and know that you are better than this.

SusanneLinder · 16/10/2016 04:23

Unless you have got yourself into serious debt over your overspending ( and it doesnt sound like this), then your husband is a serious fuckwit. Some relationships have separate finances ( DH and I do for reasons personal to us), but we dont ask each other for money. It's just there. And this car situation is seriously fucked up. I am very probably old enough to be your mum. I have been through an abusive relationship and I seriously want to visit and sort your other half out. Fuckin cockwomble Angry

BoboBunnyH0p · 16/10/2016 05:25

First thing Monday you need to go to the bank and open an account in your name, contact your work and have them start paying your wages into your new account, also contact child benefit and have them pay that into your new account. Hide the bank card for your account because I'm sure your DH will not be happy when he finds out and will try to take it from you. Taking control of your money is the first step of taking control of your life.

Doublemint · 16/10/2016 08:20

Hang on a sec op- If you're paying into a joint account that you can't access then surely one way to look at it is that DH is stealing / withholding YOUR money from you.

This is all so so sad.

Take some time to process this but don't minimise, you owe it to your DD to give her a positive relationship model and this is (surely) not what you'd want for her.

Good luck.

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 16/10/2016 08:24

I have so appreciated how nice everyone's been. He's not stealing because I don't earn much, I am part time and he is full time and he earns much more anyway. And normally j get plenty of money more than I earn. It's just its all on his terms.

OP posts:
Doublemint · 16/10/2016 08:27

You need to get your wages paid to YOU into your own account.
Then you pay a 50/50 or proportionate contribution into the joint account household "pot".
Work out how much direct debits,
Bills etc come to and pay in half. That way the bills get paid and you get your wages. Up to you how you split the food bill and petrol. Take out car insurance for yourself and take YOUR key back if you feel safe to do so.

That way you are paying your fine share and have control of your wage and leftover monies which you can save or spend or do whatever the hell you want with plan to LTB

Doublemint · 16/10/2016 08:27

Ok so maybe not 50/50 more like 30/70? That would be fair.

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 16/10/2016 08:36

He wouldn't agree to that Double

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 16/10/2016 08:38

What worries me the most is the fact you've got so scared of his possible reaction you won't even try and have a life of your own.

You won't take your cars keys and go out for fear of his reaction.

You've clearly been emotionally and financially abused for so long you've lost sight of what's normal.

And I doubt the argument was over anything worthy - or even an actual argument. I suspect he engineers it so he could then punish you.

Thattimeofyearagain · 16/10/2016 08:55

Hi op, restricting your access to money is financially abusive my love . In my case I'm the ( much) higher earner. Our setup is that we both have equal spends and equal access to our accounts. We are both insured on both cars and use whichever one is appropriate ( run around or much larger family car)
Lifts are given without a second thought as we are a partnership.
The money I earn isn't my money, its family money. Same for dh. All goes in the pot.

Doublemint · 16/10/2016 08:56

It's not up to him where your wages are paid though. As long as the bills etc are paid for its no business of his.

Just take some time to think this through, you are so worried about his reaction that you have lost your freedom. There are plenty of mnetters who have sadly been in this position and they will be able to give you practical steps.
The fact he won't agree to it shouldn't really come into it as it is your wages we are talking about. But that fact that is does influence your behaviour points to financial abuse. I just want to give you a hug!

LetsJunglyJumpToIt · 16/10/2016 09:08

Nothing should be on his terms. You should be a partnership.

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 16/10/2016 09:30

I know, but just the same I don't feel quite ready to be making (for us) drastic changes.

OP posts:
BalthazarImpresario · 16/10/2016 09:35

I work part time and earn loads less than dp. I do voluntary work instead of earning money one day a week and have recently told him in going to be putting 100 less a month towards household account due to college costs.

He's fine with it and we don't have the best relationship at yhe moment. I do run things past him about finances (he is very good with money) as he does with me.

You are worth more.

ElspethFlashman · 16/10/2016 09:39

It's utterly bizarre that you even think any of this is "drastic".

You are treated like an unruly child and you seem to accept that.

ihatethecold · 16/10/2016 09:43

Why do you feel you cant face up to him about the car/money/you going out?

Does he sulk/threaten you/belittle you if you question him?

I ask because you sound like you have given up already, Like you cant face dealing with the issues right in front of you.

Do you have any siblings or close relatives who you could confide in?

Original poster
Notonthetrain · 16/10/2016 09:47

I don't have anyone ... It's not that I've given up more I just don't know what to do. It's like s letter with bad news I don't want to open it.

OP posts:
ihatethecold · 16/10/2016 10:09

Do you have any work colleagues or friends you could confide in?

TeenyW123 · 16/10/2016 10:11

Hi

Do you think this thread should be moved to relationships?

There's more and more abuse coming out with each of your posts.

There's plenty of help and advice over there from people who've been in a similar situation to you.

slightlypeevedwombat · 16/10/2016 10:17

"He'd take me off the insurance if I did that to be honest" if you took YOUR car out?

Booboopidoo · 16/10/2016 10:30

I totally get the bad news letter analogy OP, the lightbulb is just starting to come on in your head about how far from normal all this is and it's understandable you don't feel ready to do anything about any of it just yet. That's what I meant by being kind to yourself, just give yourself some time to come to terms with it all and, when you're ready, there will be people here willing and able to help you make a plan. I hope you're ok, it's a shock the first time you realise how bad it actually is and you need to give yourself time to process it all. Don't forget what I said about starting that thread in Relationships when you're ready, there will be people there who've been where you are and know the best way to help you Flowers

ShebaShimmyShake · 16/10/2016 10:49

If you got your salary paid into your own account, to transfer your share of household expenses, what would he do?

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