Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think most women have been victims of sexual assault? Has anyone not?

989 replies

Lighthouseturquoise · 15/10/2016 17:19

Has anyone here honestly never been a victim of some kind sexual assault.

Even if not rape be it some drunk bloke groping you in a nightclub, a date getting heavy handed or pushy,

an ex boyfriend who just got carried away,

a sleazy boss or work colleague roughing your leg or making an appropriate remarks,

a friends boyfriend coming onto you,

a man thinking you were coming onto him because you were friendly then not taking no for an answer,

a boyfriend coercing you into sex or something as a teenager.

Getting beeped at or wolf whistled and feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable.

I think we sweep it all under the carpet and I bet the average woman during her life gets assaulted or harassed more than once.

OP posts:
Veggiesupremeextracheese · 15/10/2016 20:19

Name test

Ohdearducks · 15/10/2016 20:19

I think I was, I tried to type out what happened but keep deleting it. We were 16 first sexual relationship, we were canoodling on his bed when he decided he'd like to examine me like I was some sort of biology project, looking, feeling around prodding. I told him to stop, told him it felt uncomfortable, weird, like I was on a gynaecologists table. He carried on, forced my legs apart because he only wanted to 'have a look.' I just brushed it off at the time, but I said no and he should have stopped but I felt like I couldn't stop him because I'd had sex with him previously and felt he sort of had a 'right' to. I was young and naive, if someone tried it now I'd probably kick them in the face and report them. Even now I keep talking myself out of it but I have to keep reminding myself he carried on touching me when I said no, that's sexual assault. It doesn't matter what I'd consented to before, I'd said no and that should have been the end of it.
I do wonder though, if I didn't realise at the time, did he? Does he ever think about it? I doubt he'd even remember because I doubt it would ever occur to him that he did anything wrong.

Got to end of this one without deleting it at least!

Conniedescending · 15/10/2016 20:20

Had my arse pinched in clubs, pervy comments etc

As I've got older I've thought a lot about an incident with my boyfriend at the time....he was drunk, and a bad drunk, and demanded I pull the car over for sex. I didn't want to at all but it was easier to just comply. He knew I wasn't keen but his drunk self was an utter arse and I did everything to placate him. Probably coercion rather than assault

Budgiebonbon · 15/10/2016 20:20

maddie please be greatfull that you haven't, but please don't assume that being drunk means you allow this!

My sister was assaulted, she was in her work uniform in her works Van in the middle of the day. I was stone cold sober. My friend was in a café.

Soubriquet · 15/10/2016 20:20

NOPE NEVER. But I've never also got so pissed that I let blokes assault or indecently touch me

Lovely bit of victim blaming there. Let's not forget that the poor menz just can't control themselves and have to touch a woman at all times

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/10/2016 20:21

I worked in a City wine bar in my early 20s.

Every day we girls ran the gauntlet.

The men were, for the most part, drunk.

We most certainly werenot.

You're a bit of an embarrassment, Maddie.

stitchglitched · 15/10/2016 20:21

Maddie your username suggests you have a daughter. I really hope that is not the case.

awishes · 15/10/2016 20:23

Yes most of the harassment and assaults, everywhere I have worked by much more senior men, my grandad, girlfriend's partners, ex boyfriends. The list is endless and after each one I blamed myself.
Admitting this on here has me in tears.
I hoped for a better environment to raise my daughter but it's doubtful that has happened. I am teaching her to have respect for herself.

chattygranny · 15/10/2016 20:23

When I was nearly 16 went to an "after O levels" party. Was being pursued by a weirdo - in my opinion at the time - so ran into the house - party was in a "friend's" garden. Same age. Met him in the hall and explained was hiding from this guy. He asked me if I'd like to go up to his room to hide. I trusted him, he was just someone in my extended crowd. I went. Once we were in the door he threw me to the ground trying to kiss me. I didn't fancy him at all so from the start was saying no very clearly. He got his hand up my top and we were battling with my trousers, he was forcing his hand down and I was pulling it back but he was so much stronger. Ridiculously I remember I had my period and really didn't want him to feel the tampon string (bizarre). I was objecting loudly and very luckily suddenly the door opened and his mother walked in. "What's going on?" she said. I scuttled away and didn't speak to him again. I told no one except my best friend. This was 1972. Had his mother not arrived I'm convinced I'd have been raped - he was much stronger than me.
Also had beery, beardy office manager stick his tongue down my throat in a lift one Christmas, maybe 1979, but I pushed him away and escaped.

NotYoda · 15/10/2016 20:24

Yeah, I was drunk when someone tried to assault me. That's because he spiked my drink. Luckily I puked on his shoes

SomeDayMyPrinceMightCome · 15/10/2016 20:24

Thing is, though, maddie, I've been stupid- drunk on many an occasion (I didn't have some kind of a drinking problem, I just have crappy tolerance for alcohol and these were my silly teens and early 20s, I don't do it these days) and quite regularly managed to get to the end of a night without a man assaulting me, probably cos I'd had the luck on those occasions not to be out and about in the company of a rapist.

The one time I WAS in the company of a rapist, when I was drunk, he did what he did to me in his bathroom.

He'd also done a lot of groping of me for months in the run-up to that incident, every single time when I was entirely sober and we were just hanging around with friends on a school day.

He also, I subsequently learned, did quite a lot of very similar things to many, many other girls and women, into his early 30s (when I lost touch with his social circle, I'm quite sure however that he's stll doing the same now in his 40s)

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 15/10/2016 20:24

But, but, Maddie. What about me? I was sober - during one sexual assault I was walking home from school. I was 13. Did I just let it happen because I was a stupid school girl or something?? Confused Do women just 'let' sexual assault happen to them. Och, silly women eh?

Btw, this is why I never go into detail about the sexual assaults (including rape) I've suffered. Because of posters like Maddie. Thanks to posters that have.

NotYoda · 15/10/2016 20:25

I am so sorry for those of you revealing your terrible experiences on here

allegretto · 15/10/2016 20:25

Funnily enough I have never been assaulted while drunk - only sober. Once by a doctor who was supposedly examining me.

minifingerz · 15/10/2016 20:26

Had my breasts squeezed by a stranger walking past. Had someone grab me from behind in the woods and shove their hand down my pants. My sister was sexually assaulted and threatened with having her throat cut. All things done by strangers in the street, the latter two reported to police who were extremely unhelpful.

I was sexually harassed and groped for years as a pretty young woman working in bars and restaurants. I fecking love being 50 and invisible to sleezy men.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 15/10/2016 20:26

My post looks like I gave flowers to Maddie. I did not. Biscuit for you Maddie.

Thanks to all those that have suffered and shared on this thread.

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/10/2016 20:28

Out of interest - Bearbehind - do you still think this thread is going to end badly?

Or do you think it's a revealing sharing of experiences, that virtually every one of us has had?

Boundaries · 15/10/2016 20:30

Under I imagine in your school uniform you were practically asking for it.

SomeDayMyPrinceMightCome · 15/10/2016 20:30

While I have EVERY SINGLE SYMPATHY in the entire world for those replying to Maddie that they were sober etc (and my heart goes out to all of you, it really does) in actual fact the fact that you were sober or not HONESTLY shouldn't make a difference.

If I see a drunk man in the street falling over himself, I don't go up and steal his wallet as his defences are down. I either ignore him or, just possibly, if I'm with others, have a friendly word to see if he needs any help. Because I'm not a thief.

If I'm a thief then I might nick his wallet, sure.

Same analogy with the rape/assault stuff. Sure, staying sober enough to remember your way home, to not fall in the road, to not choke on your own vomit, is just plain good sense.

But it only matters, on the whole rape/assault front, if you have the terrible bad luck to encounter a rapist while you're drunk.

I truly hope this hasn't offended anyone who posted to say they were sober. Didn't intend that at all. Just trying to respond to Maddie's post, is all.

chattygranny · 15/10/2016 20:30

God! I forgot my man on tube pressed against me at rush hour who left semen running down my dress... forgot that as at least I wasn't in danger. Older and wiser (all
Of 20!) I did go to police with that one.

Ncforthispost · 15/10/2016 20:31

In my early 20s I used to drink and use recreational drugs far too much. I was spiked and raped, raped whilst drunk, and once woke up to someone having sex with me. I am so ashamed of my past, and fully blame myself for these 3 rapes/sexual assaults.

I am a successful professional now, with a lovely family, but I still feel worthless and dirty Sad.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 15/10/2016 20:31

I definitely wasn't drunk when my then husband raped me. I wasn't drunk when as a young child an older family member sexually abused me. I wasn't drunk when I was at work and was groped by a customer. I wasn't drunk in the middle of the day doing the school run with my 6 week old baby in a pram when some man tried pawing me and telling me what he wanted to do to me. Nope all those occasions I was sober. I wasn't out clubbing and very very unlikely to have been dressed in a revealing manner.

Fauchelevent · 15/10/2016 20:31

I also think you'd be hard pressed to find a woman over the age of puberty who hadn't been assaulted, harassed or had a man behave in whatever way sexually inappropriately and it breaks my heart that should I have a daughter, aside from locking her away, there is nothing I can do to protect her from it.

My first experience was at 11 when a male teacher used to slide his hands down my shoulders, touch my leg and hold my hand but it was acceptable because "everyone knows he's creepy". It's fucking rife in so many schools but as long as the teacher never "crosses THAT line" and it remains just touching, it's seen as a joke.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 15/10/2016 20:32

Oh yes, boundaries, obviously. Teenage female out on the street in school uniform- Silly me.

Boundaries · 15/10/2016 20:33

Nc not your fault. It's up to men not to be rapey, regardless of intoxication. Not. Your. Fault.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.