to cancel the wedding?

[Mildinsanity]

DP and I got engaged in August and have booked our venue for august 2018.
Photographer is booked and dress is bought.
However now Im having 2nd thoughts, we live together and own a buisness and are very much in love, he gets on fantastically with my 4DCS from a previous relationship but wants none of the responsibilty.

I can sort of see his point as they arent his DC he never wanted children but he chose to take me knowing I have 4 children and we come as a package.
Their dad is still very much a part of the DCs lives at the moment but I never know how long that will be for as he is a bit flighty, if he does disappear and it is definetly a possibilty then I cannot work full time and parent the same as I do now, he does school runs and will look after the DC when needed and is a proper dad (most of the time but thats a different thread).

so not to drip feed DP and EX get on great, DP doesnt want EX to disappear so he doesnt have to worry about the responsibilty.

I am happy to be a single parent and I have done it for years but I dont want to share my life with someone and still effectivly be a single parent IYSWIM?

A lot of it comes down to money which is how we got to this point for example if we go out to dinner with the DCs we dont go 50/50 he would pay for his and Id pay for me and the DCs.
The food bill and utilites he only wants to contribute 1/6th of them as he doesnt see why he should pay for the DCs.

Their Dad doesnt pay maintenance just for reference.

DP is happy to play with the kids, read with them and spend time with them but certainly not babysit them or look after them.

AIBU to cancel the wedding if he doesnt want to be an actual part of the family rather than the live in boyfriend?

A marriage, in mind opinion, creates a family. So if he is not up to that, then I'd not go through it. You'll be effectively a single mum with an extra adult to care for who is not willing to babysit or help financially.

Will he step up and help when, for example, one of your DC has a cold, is off school sick, you need to go to an interview or arrive late, you are sick and somebody needs to look after DC... How do DC feel about it? Would you have to get childcare even if he's at home?

Separating the bills like that is also ridiculous and it won't work, are you going to police the fridge or the showers to make sure DP doesn't spend more than the 6th he pays? It's a shame that your DC don't have a loving father figure, which DP could do, since you say (I think) they already don't have much of a bond or even maintenance with their dad (can you sort that?).

Idk, I'm happily married with kids but I think if it weren't the case, my new partner would have to embrace my children as stepchildren at least, care for them and look after them. Not just treat them as an occasional play date. What will it happen with discipline ? Living with children always brings that issue, is he going to follow your way? Are you discussing a new way?

I'd discuss it, try to make it work, see if he has plans to change attitude after the wedding... but maybe not invest any mire money on the wedding until you know if you'll be happy that way.

*in my opinion not "in mind opinion"

at only seeing typos/autocorrections after posting

I don't think he should go halves it's their fathers responsibility to support them or st least contribute. But a sixth is mean a third would be more generous. I don't think he should have to go halves though.

yanbu, if it was just the two of you the utilitiy bills would not be that much different, more people mean more economies of scale. I can understand the babysitting aspect, as perhaps he is afraid in case something goes wrong. If he never helps with kids e.g. Gives them a lift somewhere or looks after them for a couple of hours for you to do stuff then he is not contributing as part of a family unit. The whole step parenting relationship is hard, and once married could become fraught, particularly if your ex withdraws the support he is currently giving. He generally sounds mean when it comes to money and sharing which is not conducive to happy family life. I would def put the marriage plans on hold and wait longer to see how the relationship progreases. Only you can decide what to do, but marriage is a partnership and he is currently falling short. Love is not just about physical closeness and connection, it is about being able to rely on another person.

OP I would suggest that you cancel the marriage, getting married is great but it is a commitment for life and will lead to resentment and posisibly squabbling over little things, if you are not 100 percent happy with getting married - dont do it, I know that my wife thought she would get married and then change me and she wasn't able to - I'm now going through a number of changes that she would have liked when we were married, but it would seem that the changes are now too late for her and she doesn't want to be with me.

If you are getting married then it should be a coming together, not a staying apart in that you have the life of your DC and then the life of your partner/husband. Its the old saying, he should be taking you "warts and all"

As a male it sounds to me like this guy is trying to have his cake and eat it, ie pay the bills for his share, but not take on the whole lot. The other thing I notice is that he will share the good times, but wont contribute fully to them (financially) ie he will njoy the company at a meal but won't pay his fair share, or he will read and play with the children and won't contribute to the cost of the book - sorry might sound a little mean/pedantic but I'm just trying to make the point.

I brought up my wifes daughter as my own, and never complained about paying half the bills etc, we had our problems, and DW and I are split at the moment..... (there is another thread on ref paying for lunches and maintenance since the split, but that has nothing to do with what I am talking about here) ... I think that if I had of complained about paying for DSD, then things would have been a lot worse in the split, and there would have been a lot of resentment about that, I never have and never will throw up to my wife about how much I spent for my DSD, at the time I was her dad, and even though me and her mum are split she still calls me dad - its worth every penny and then some.

My thought, cancel the wedding, find out if he wants to be part of the FAMILY, not just a husband, and if he does get him to start making a contribution to the family.

I think you also need to start rocking the boat with the EX though and getting some form of maintenance from him, if you don't then DP will begin to resent paying to be part of a family and bringing up EXs kids where he has contact and doesn't pay

He is a dick, sorry

op as soon as I read your op about him not paying for your kids when eating out I knew my answer.

Don't marry him. My dd1 isn't Dh real daughter but he treats her like one. It's not a proper partnership and money will be one a huge issue.

When he got serious with you - he took your brood on. You come as a package - not just a women who has some kids on side.

Think very very seriously about this.

I think what will happen is - you will go through with the wedding as women ultimately think it will all change. Then is doesn't - infact it gets worse , then you will be back here posting about it.

Tough thinking to do op.

Some men specifically go out with women with children as they are tied down.

I wonder why all this wasn't sorted out before he moved into your home. Penny pinching to the extent of 1/6 is just nuts, but did you ever explain what your expectations were before? He must care about you a lot to live with 4 kids when he doesn't want any.... children are like farts, you can just about tolerate your own! In all honesty I wouldn't be mad about the idea of taking someone else's on...

I'd cancel the wedding, take that pressure off - but talk talk talk - how do you run a business together if you aren't totally open and honest with each other?

You need to make him see that you in effect are your children's only advocate and support - and that for now takes priority over everything else.

OP it's courageous to give voice to your realisation that things are not right and I agree with others posting, what you have with him is not a partnership. Regarding plans for marriage, ANY doubts = no marriage, as per the old adage "marry in haste, repent at leisure". Divorce can be painful, laborious, expensive. If you have even a shred of doubt left, easier (and kinder to all) to cancel the wedding sooner rather than later. It's great (and again courageous) that you took the thread to him, but (IMO) the response is too little and late. He is making a lot of excuses and it's not very convincing is it? Unbelievable and unacceptable he would not even think to pay for YOUR meal for example. Alarm bells are ringing!! You might not fully (perhaps in part due to some of the as yet unresolved issues with your ex, non contribution financially - another matter) but in your heart of hearts I think you realise you (and your DC) deserve more. Keep us posted and good luck X

This is another cancel the cheque thread only now it's cancel the wedding RTFT people!

Don't live together just date.
Cancel the wedding

OP - i agree the current set up is not ok and agree you should pit wedding on hold.

However I cant understand why you are so ok with the DC's biological father not contributing? Surely this is not fair either?

Dowhatnow - err you RTFT, no it's not the same. OP had a conversation voicing concern, she didn't cancel the wedding. So the cheque is in the post (not cancelled).

i dont see why everyones convinced that a man that gets on fabulously with them and lives with them, just doesnt pay for them or babysit all four of them, is some sort of danger to their self esteem? Theyre not orphans. They HAVE an involved dad. How many people are going to be willing to take on 4 kids that arent theirs financially and emotionally. I think thats asking a massive amount of anyone, and peope like this are not going to be queuing up at the door.
I think its enough that he really likes them and gets on with them, considering that he clearly never wanted his own. Thats about what I had from my stepdad and I dont think I was damaged by it whatsoever.

Branleuse he's not acting as a partner - even taking the kids out of the whole equation he only pays for himself. There is a convenience to being with a woman with 4 kids, knowing she will never demand a child with him. His behaviour shows him to be very self centred.

I don't think this will work, you both want different things. Its perfectly fine for someone not to want to support someone else's kids - in fact, its financially sensible. However, people are right in saying that he shouldn't have got involved with someone who does have kids, and whose ex doesn't pay, meaning the new man has to pay.

When I used to use Match, I always used to say I wasn't looking for someone with kids (I don't have any), because I'm honest about the fact that I don't want to support another woman's kids. Lots of men would still contact me saying "my kids already have a mother and don't need another one, so consider me anyway". So, some people must think its fine to have a partner who doesn't get involved with the kids. I don't agree.

It makes op feel like a single mother - not in a partnership never mind a marriage.

OP I met my husband when I had three young children. He is their father in every way that matters and loves them just as much as he loves his bio children. Even when their father was alive he played a heavy parenting role which was fine by their dad (vice versa for me and their step mother).

I couldn't have it any other way. I was lucky in the sense that my husband loved them very quickly and it all just worked smoothly but I know that if he was different I would have ended up resenting him and our relationship would not have worked.

I am glad you have talked but his heart isn't in it really, is it? I think the fact that he is like this in the first place says all you really need to know about him. He might try to change to keep you for a while, but I'm not sure I would take the risk. At least cancel the wedding. The further you get into planning it the more messier it might become and you might be reluctant to see the truth when you are knee deep in preparations and people have been invited etc.

They HAVE an involved dad. How many people are going to be willing to take on 4 kids that arent theirs financially and emotionally. I think thats asking a massive amount of anyone, and peope like this are not going to be queuing up at the door.

Well, I know quite a few men who have married women with children and have 'took them on' financially and emotionally. It happens a lot.

And no, they might not be queuing up at the door but that doesn't mean the OP should marry him. I would rather have stayed single until they all moved out then married a man who wasn't prepared to take my children on fully.

I hate the term 'take them on' btw.

Theyre not lining up at the door, but i think with 4 kids its putting unrealistic expectations for some fairytale ending, rather than a decent adult relationship and where he treats the children nicely

Your basically having relations with yr lodger....poor kiddies

It was good to read to hear that you had such a productive conversation with your partner. It looks very hopeful but I would still recommend putting any wedding plans on hold for now. Wait and see how things pan out before you commit to any more expense.

Booking a wedding was fucking ridiculous sorry op leave the idiotic bastard

I can't help but feel it's the OP responsibility to ensure the correct parental guidance and finances are properly sourced from the children's actual father rather than shirking it on to her fiancé just because he is in your life. They aren't his children anymore than say they would be your brothers children.
Besides which the alternative is to do it completely alone.