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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to cancel the wedding?

225 replies

Mildinsanity · 13/10/2016 10:46

DP and I got engaged in August and have booked our venue for august 2018.
Photographer is booked and dress is bought.
However now Im having 2nd thoughts, we live together and own a buisness and are very much in love, he gets on fantastically with my 4DCS from a previous relationship but wants none of the responsibilty.

I can sort of see his point as they arent his DC he never wanted children but he chose to take me knowing I have 4 children and we come as a package.
Their dad is still very much a part of the DCs lives at the moment but I never know how long that will be for as he is a bit flighty, if he does disappear and it is definetly a possibilty then I cannot work full time and parent the same as I do now, he does school runs and will look after the DC when needed and is a proper dad (most of the time but thats a different thread).

so not to drip feed DP and EX get on great, DP doesnt want EX to disappear so he doesnt have to worry about the responsibilty.

I am happy to be a single parent and I have done it for years but I dont want to share my life with someone and still effectivly be a single parent IYSWIM?

A lot of it comes down to money which is how we got to this point for example if we go out to dinner with the DCs we dont go 50/50 he would pay for his and Id pay for me and the DCs.
The food bill and utilites he only wants to contribute 1/6th of them as he doesnt see why he should pay for the DCs.

Their Dad doesnt pay maintenance just for reference.

DP is happy to play with the kids, read with them and spend time with them but certainly not babysit them or look after them.

AIBU to cancel the wedding if he doesnt want to be an actual part of the family rather than the live in boyfriend?

OP posts:
Mum2twoUnder4 · 13/10/2016 18:23

You come as a package deal. Not just you, then the kids as a part time deal.

He's not treating you as a family.

TowerRavenSeven · 13/10/2016 18:29

Yanbu to cancel. Sounds horrible.

dowhatnow · 13/10/2016 18:31

The obvious compromise is that you pay 50/50 for all house expenses as you would do if there are no kids involved. You bung in more for food but not 5/6 more, as they eat less and a lot of ingredients he'd have to buy any way if there were just the two of you. So perhaps 70/30ish or preferably 60/40. You them pay for the kids expenses. If that still leaves him with loads of disposable income and you hardly any, then he should be treating you or vice versa.

Does he really not babysit at all. What happens if you need to pop out for an hour? That's a bigger problem than the money.

WappersReturns · 13/10/2016 18:37

It's less to do with money and more to do with the fact that he doesn't see you all as a family. I couldn't live like that.

I had 3 DC when DH and I moved in together and even before we had DC together he saw my 3 as his family. All money was and is family money from the start, which I struggled with as he was a very high earner and I felt awkward letting him pay for everything. It took my MIL giving me a talking to and telling me that her son loved me and my children and we were a family unit, so let him treat us like one! Amazing woman. Neither DH or his family had a second thought about whose responsibility it was to provide for the DC, they are ours.

notinagreatplace · 13/10/2016 18:44

I don't think 50:50 for house expenses would be at all fair - he almost certainly would not have wanted a house big enough for 4 kids, probably wouldn't have paid a premium for a house in an area with good schools, etc. He'd have likely wanted a 1 or 2 bed flat.

I think it's primarily the job of parents to provide for the kids, not step-parents. I can see that this amount of penny pinching is unattractive but I really don't think he's being unreasonable in not wanting to take on full financial and emotional responsibility for four children.

tofutti · 13/10/2016 18:47

The food bill and utilites he only wants to contribute 1/6th of them as he doesnt see why he should pay for the DCs.

Is he paying half of rent, council tax etc?

i think I could understand it if he said you should pay for DC's clothes, treats, pocket money etc but it feels a quite mean and tight to begrudge money for utilities and food.

Kr1stina · 13/10/2016 18:59

What everyone said . You are not compatible and want different things out of life.

I'd not just cancel the wedding, I'd ask him to move out and just date him.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/10/2016 19:07

So glad to read that you've cancelled the wedding. Better to deal with this now.

It's all very well to say neither of you are wrong, just incompatible blah blah blah - but I'm sorry he IS in the wrong. He doesn't want children, doesn't want to be responsible for them, doesn't want a penny of his money contributing to their upkeep - so he should NOT have got his claws into a woman with four children. He should not have manipulated her into paying 5/6 of household costs, and he should not have proposed marriage when his idea of marriage (essentially being a lodger with sex included) is nowhere near marriage. He should have found himself a single woman with no children, and not messed with the head of the OP.

BaconPancake · 13/10/2016 19:10

I haven't read the full thread, just OP's posts so forgive me if I repeat anything.

I wouldn't necessarily cancel your entire wedding but you do need to establish exactly where he feels his responsibilities should end and decide if there is a compromise to be made and an arrangement you can both be happy with.

My partner and I plan to move in together next year- we haven't talked at length about finances yet but I expect to split essential bills that are for the whole house- rent, council tax, internet, food etc. down the middle, with me paying costs that are solely for my child eg. clothes, uniform, pocket money, swimming lessons etc.

I'm not sure if I'd feel differently if we had been together alot longer and planned to get married, it's still a fairly new relationship and maybe I'd want to have joint spending on everything further down the line, but as it is, I still see financial responsibility for my child as my thing- putting a roof over all our heads, feeding us all etc. is a joint responsibility for anyone in the household who is earning but it's not up to my partner to pick up the slack after DS' (completely absent- financially and practically) father.

bummyknocker · 13/10/2016 19:29

If he is so keen on being separate, then could you ensure that the house is left to your kids only on the event of your death? Or just leave him 1/6 th?

ChasedByBees · 13/10/2016 19:34

I also think you're incompatible and right to cancel the wedding.

Just as a point of interest, as you would be contributing so much more to the household, had you arranged your finances so any property / your money would be left to your children rather than him? Could you guarantee he would treat them fairly (giving them 5/6s of your estate) if anything happened to you?

ChasedByBees · 13/10/2016 19:35

Sorry bummyknocker, crossed posts!

Whocansay · 13/10/2016 19:46

What sort of man thinks that it's in any way fair that he only pays 1 /6 of the bills? That's disgusting. He's a user. If you show him the door, he will probably change for a bit and revert to type after you marry.

If he lived somewhere else, you and you children would be hugely better off financially, you so realise that, don't you?

DontMindMe1 · 13/10/2016 20:01

You're right to cancel the wedding
He IS being unreasonable about only paying 1/6 when he knows he is sharing a house with 4 children in it

However, i do feel the financial set up is unfair and only benefits your ex.
As a previous poster has stated, the government would hold the dh financially responsible for the kids and his income for any relevant benefits.

So that means you, the kids and the ex benefit but HE is the one subsidizing it all.

The fact that you won't take your ex down the csa route just because you don't want to 'rock the boat', but expect your new partner to pay your ex's share as well is just ridiculous.

What would happen if your ex was forced to pay at least the minimum through his wages/benefits?
If he refuses to see the children and YOU have to adjust your working pattern - then that's something you have to 'suck up'.
If your ex starts to mess with your routine/won't play ball - let him go down the legal route of getting fixes access

I don't have kids but i know if i chose to be with a man who did - i would consider all living together expenses to be 50/50 - with my partners 50% share including the maintenance from the non resident parent - even if it was only a fiver a week. If an ex could not be located for csa to get the money from them only then would i be happy to live with and share the full expense of being a 'family' .

your dp cannot be your dh' whilst he has this 'me-only' attitude.
And you cannot keep making excuses for not claiming csa from your ex just because you want an easy life.

Original poster
Mildinsanity · 13/10/2016 20:18

Update Tonight after work we sat and talked and talked, he didnt want to discuss at work as buisness we try to keep seperate from home... fair enough.

I showed him the thread and he has read it in full.
He has agreed that its unfair how it has been but didnt really know the extent of the issue, he is worried about over stepping boundaries with the DCs and didnt quite understand how much financially pressured I have been.

He wants to help more with the DCs spend more family time together and also split the finances a bit more evenly again he didnt seem to understand how expensive these things are but now he knows.

He wants to try and be more a parental role in the house and we both know it isnt going to happen over night but we will both talk and try because he does love the kids but has no idea how to show it.

As for the wedding well if things improve great we have plenty of time to cancel if it doesnt.

OP posts:
MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 13/10/2016 20:21

That's really positive OP. I thought he might change his stance if he knew how you felt Grin

Starlight2345 · 13/10/2016 20:27

That is a good update OP..

Taking on 4 children I can't imagine isn't a challenge and the fact he is prepared to work at it ( at least he says he is ) is positive..

Good luck op.

Onthecouchagain · 13/10/2016 20:28

He splits the bill with the kids in a restaurant. That's crazy, what sort of person does that?
You need to cancel wedding and dump him.

LIZS · 13/10/2016 20:31

Please be cautious. Reread my post from 12:09. He could play along for now then bail later. Hopefully you know him better than that.

TaterTots · 13/10/2016 20:36

but I'm sorry he IS in the wrong. He doesn't want children, doesn't want to be responsible for them, doesn't want a penny of his money contributing to their upkeep - so he should NOT have got his claws into a woman with four children.

Sorry? 'Got his claws' into her? The OP is a grown woman. She's enough of an adult to have brought four other people into the world - don't make her out to be so poor and defenceless that she can't make her own decisions.

OP - I'm afraid neither of you come out of this very well. He's been very naïve thinking he could still act like 'mum's boyfriend' and nothing more once married to you. But you were also very naïve to let it get this far. Unless he's suddenly become like this since your engagement, accepting his proposal and hoping things would change was burying your head in the sand.

However, you've done the right thing now by cancelling the wedding. I can see why he doesn't want to pay half the costs of a house he wouldn't need to run if you didn't have four kids, especially when their dad pays nothing. But the fact is you DO have four kids, they DO need somewhere to live and that isn't going to change. You both have to deal with how things are, not how either of you think they should be. And if he isn't able to accept that four kids mean extra costs, marriage shouldn't be on the table.

DiegeticMuch · 13/10/2016 20:42

Perhaps he feels that their irresponsible father should get a job and pay for his own four offspring.

RavioliOnToast · 13/10/2016 20:45

I wouldn't do it. I'd cancel it all. It's unfair on your kids to live with someone that disregards them as family- he sounds like a dick head.

roasted · 13/10/2016 20:46

Whose idea was it to get married? Why do you want to get married?

If you just date rather than get married and become a family, how would you both feel?

His lack of commitment to your DCs is fine in a dating type scenario; it just doesn't work in a marriage. Could going back to just dating be an option?

Quintessing · 13/10/2016 20:49

You own a business together?

Do you take the same out as salary/dividends in a 50-50 split?

And you live together and he pays just 1/6 of utilities?

What about rent? Mortgage?
Do you own your home?

Your update is positive, but I would not hold my breath, he should have thought two adults go halves on utilities etc.

RavioliOnToast · 13/10/2016 20:51

Sorry OP, I just read the update.

I'd just be wary of if things go back to normal (as they are now) if you do continue to get married. Just have your wits about you.

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