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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to cancel the wedding?

225 replies

Mildinsanity · 13/10/2016 10:46

DP and I got engaged in August and have booked our venue for august 2018.
Photographer is booked and dress is bought.
However now Im having 2nd thoughts, we live together and own a buisness and are very much in love, he gets on fantastically with my 4DCS from a previous relationship but wants none of the responsibilty.

I can sort of see his point as they arent his DC he never wanted children but he chose to take me knowing I have 4 children and we come as a package.
Their dad is still very much a part of the DCs lives at the moment but I never know how long that will be for as he is a bit flighty, if he does disappear and it is definetly a possibilty then I cannot work full time and parent the same as I do now, he does school runs and will look after the DC when needed and is a proper dad (most of the time but thats a different thread).

so not to drip feed DP and EX get on great, DP doesnt want EX to disappear so he doesnt have to worry about the responsibilty.

I am happy to be a single parent and I have done it for years but I dont want to share my life with someone and still effectivly be a single parent IYSWIM?

A lot of it comes down to money which is how we got to this point for example if we go out to dinner with the DCs we dont go 50/50 he would pay for his and Id pay for me and the DCs.
The food bill and utilites he only wants to contribute 1/6th of them as he doesnt see why he should pay for the DCs.

Their Dad doesnt pay maintenance just for reference.

DP is happy to play with the kids, read with them and spend time with them but certainly not babysit them or look after them.

AIBU to cancel the wedding if he doesnt want to be an actual part of the family rather than the live in boyfriend?

OP posts:
RavioliOnToast · 13/10/2016 20:54

Sorry OP, I just read the update.

I'd just be wary of if things go back to normal (as they are now) if you do continue to get married. Just have your wits about you.

RoseanneDownton · 14/10/2016 17:47

Your man is acting exactly as though he is a lodger. He pays you rent, but if he goes out with you and your kids, he only pays for himself.

So he's a lodger, except you have sex.

The important thing here is, WHY have you not sat him down and told him the Facts of Life? In this case, that the minute you are married, he is no longer a lodger but a stepfather and HAS to act like that. If he won't, then just keep him as your lodger and lover.

OVienna · 14/10/2016 17:52

It's a bit crazy for someone who really doesn't want children himself to think that somehow he'll find the will to cope with four stepchildren under his roof. The solution he's devised is, evidently, to pick and choose which elements he's willing to be involved in. This isn't going to work long term. I can understand why he might have concerns about the implications for him of your partner not properly contributing; and in your shoes I think I wouldn't be asking him to pay for them exactly equally. What sort of 'formula' I devised to address this, I have no idea, but I'd be looking at it. However, carving out his share of the meals, the utilities, is just ridiculous. Definitely a good idea to postpone until you sort this through.

milkshakeandmonstermunch · 14/10/2016 17:57

He sounds like a boyfriend, not a partner or fiance. Cancel and get rid.

zippey · 14/10/2016 18:08

It sounds like he likes you but doesn't love you, and he's in the relationship because it works well for him. Cheap rent, regular sex, nice family times which he can check out of.

He is probably better off finding someone without kids, and you are better off finding someone who wants to share their whole life with you and the people who matter most to you.

Jessikita · 14/10/2016 18:54

I think when you take on someone who already has kids, and it gets serious (as in move in together) then you do have to have an all or nothing approach. My Husband has two children from before me and all our money goes into the pot so when we go on holiday my money does effectively subsidise them. His son lives with us now and his daughter still with her Mum so theirs no maintence either way. So other than the to £20 CB again my income is effectively subsiding. I accepted it when I chose for him to move in with him and marry him. It's been tough and it can be hard but you just have to accept it and decide whether the person is worth it.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. By looking after the children and stuff he's helping you out and being a supportive partner.

ohdearme1958 · 14/10/2016 19:10

I'm sorry OP but I wouldn't see this man in my way.

My (step) dad married my mum when he was 23 and she was 33. He took us on in every sense of the word. He'd not long finished his apprenticeship as a bricklayer and was hardly earning great money.

My mum didn't know he was only 21 when they met. He managed to hide it for a long time. I was 14. My sister was 11. He's the best dad in the world. He's the best grandad in the world. He's the best great grandad in the world. I love him. He's my dad. There's about 7 years between us. My mum is long gone but at 58 and him at 65 he's the only dad I'll ever want. In fact he's so great at what he does he does he even chose us the best step mum and step granny in the world

I'm So glad he didn't have the notions in his head that your partner does.

You deserve better. You all deserve better.

FlabulousChic · 14/10/2016 19:12

My male best friend has no kids. He just met someone with two 15 and 4. She had given up her benefirs and he pays for everything he said he took on the family. It just her. Their real dads aren't involved either.

FlabulousChic · 14/10/2016 19:14

On the other hand I married someone who just paid me rent and I supported my kids. We didn't do family outings and I done everything for them he was more like their mate. Different things work for different people I didn't want someone to support me let alone my dudes.

lauramae · 14/10/2016 19:54

Is this your dream relationship? Is it worth wasting a beautiful dress on, let alone a lifetime or tortuous relationship that will also affect your DCs?

I say listen to all of those doubts you're hearing right now, we hear them for a reason. I think you already know the answer. Be brave and be strong and you could make space in your life for the right kind of partnership you really deserve. Give yourself a break girl xxx

AllieBomBally · 14/10/2016 20:36

Sounds like real knobbish behaviour to me, why 'take on' a family and treat them like a separate entity? My OH accepted my 2 dd's and treats them as his own and if a marriage is going to work it needs to be like that or it will drive a wedge between either you and him or you and your children eventually.

RabbitsNap01 · 14/10/2016 20:43

i hope he sincerely means to change op, for all your sakes. I'm glad to hear a positive update and hope for the best, people can get stuck in bad patterns and change them.

sophiestew · 14/10/2016 20:51

What do you mean "he didn't know how much things cost but he does now." So when you are in a restaurant and the bill comes, he doesn't know he is leaving you to pay nearly all of it?

You sound rather naive and easily placated.

ProphetOfDoom · 14/10/2016 20:58

I don't understand why he's not paying half rent/mortgage, utilities etc. You're either a family or you're not. Paying a 6th is lodger/student child territory. That doesn't mean he has to fork out for the kids' clothes etc but many step-parents embrace everything that comes with being with the person they love. I think that's probably what putting on your mental brakes - realising that he hasn't.

Have you talked through your wants, needs & expectations as the relationship has progressed? Maybe he simply has not realised and it needs spelling out. Or he could just be a tight arse who never intends to embrace you & the dcs as the total package.

Either way you both need to lay your cards on the table to see if this can be addressed.

PolarBearLover14 · 14/10/2016 20:59

He sounds like a proper arsehole, dump his ass and find yourself a proper man!

ProphetOfDoom · 14/10/2016 21:07

Sorry, I somehow missed your update & im glad you've had the conversation.

Before I got married pre marriage counselling was all the rage - don't know if it still is - but off the back of that I still see online articles & surveys like '40 questions to ask before you get married' - I think given what's just happened you & DP are exactly the couple that need these prompts to help you be more communicative and clear about what your expectations and wishes are.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/10/2016 21:15

I hope he has seen the light.

But remember that it's easy to keep a behaviour going when you're worried that you may lose something of value and very easy to backslide into old habits once you feel 'secure'.

Just be sure that you allow enough time to see that his change is genuine and done with his whole heart, not just because he's afraid of losing you.

Benedikte2 · 14/10/2016 21:35

I hope things work out for you OP. He sounds reasonable if you are able to talk these things through.
Another issue to think about is that if you are married and anything happens to your ability to work then your DPs income will be assessed and you will probably get no financial assistance in which case he will be either forced to support you and the children or to leave you. I don't know a huge amount about benefits etc but do know your married status would affect your eligibility.
Good luck.

StripeyMonkey1 · 14/10/2016 21:50

From your update I think you should postpone the wedding. You both need time to adjust to this change and it is unlikely to be clear to either of you exactly what that will mean for a while. Any change in relationships with the children is likely to impact on the relationship between you, particularly if the children, or even one of them, starts to become closer to him as a result.

It might well be that he is the right person for you to marry... but in time and when you have a settled relationship with which you are happy. I would not want to get married on the basis of a promise.

inappropriateraspberry · 14/10/2016 22:09

He needs to invest in you as a family emotionally AND financially. As a married couple surely there should be a more even split of financial responsibilities? And he has to spend time with your children and care deeply for them or it's just not worth it. What do your children think of him? Do they get along? If he really loves you he has to accept all of you and make an effort.

StressedOne · 14/10/2016 22:15

I would have a serious conversation with him and a counsellor to get to the bottom of it. If he doesnt change after a few months get rid, marriage is essentially committing to somebody for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, if you are unhappy now and he is not totally committed get out while its still easy, it will only get harder as time goes on.

dora38 · 14/10/2016 22:43

Sad as it will be I think you need to cancel this wedding and go your separate ways. He is not treating you guys as a family unit but the kids as a separate entity altogether. The outcome long term will not be positive and as your kids get older they will see that he doesn't really want them or any responsibility for them. If you became ill and had to stop working what would he do? Especially since your ex sounds like a useless creature and doesn't contribute. Also bearing in mind you have 4 kids and not one or two it is a huge undertaking but clearly one which he is only happy to take on board on his own limited slightly immature terms. I'd think about moving on and finding someone who loves you all and will slot into this family seamlessly. Best of luck....not an easy decision.

pamhill64 · 14/10/2016 23:42

A good friend was engaged to her DP for 12 years but he made it clear he wanted a girlfriend but not her children. He never went on holiday as a family, only with her. She remained a single mum paying for them, meals out, bills etc. Now the youngest is 20 he's dumped her, citing he needs his space(!!) but if he changes his mind in 6 months he'll come back (like hell I'd have him back!). She'd forsaken a real DP in her life to put up with a part time DP in her life, yet he still behaved as a single man and ultimately buggered off! Talk about having your cake and eating it!!!
Sit him down and discuss what a real DH looks like and if he can't demonstrate a real 180degree about turn then cancel the wedding and think Very hard about whether he's worth forsaking a true life partner for imo!

Brandyb · 14/10/2016 23:55

I share other MN commenters' uneasy feeling. BUT I notice you say you 'get on fantastically" and he is clearly present with your children. AND you own a business together. Have you actually discussed this issue with him? Have you laid out your desire - and requirement - that he share your life with you in a total way? Have you tried laying it out with him? Could it be that he needs a kick up the arse and to contemplate life without you? Men are unfortunately a bit dense sometimes - and I'm married to a history lecturer...

Shona52 · 15/10/2016 09:01

I agree with canceling the wedding. A marriage is a partnership and you should share everything. I can understand up to now not wanting to take the responsibility of the children. But after marriage no. marriage is a family unit

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