to cancel the wedding?

[Mildinsanity]

DP and I got engaged in August and have booked our venue for august 2018.
Photographer is booked and dress is bought.
However now Im having 2nd thoughts, we live together and own a buisness and are very much in love, he gets on fantastically with my 4DCS from a previous relationship but wants none of the responsibilty.

I can sort of see his point as they arent his DC he never wanted children but he chose to take me knowing I have 4 children and we come as a package.
Their dad is still very much a part of the DCs lives at the moment but I never know how long that will be for as he is a bit flighty, if he does disappear and it is definetly a possibilty then I cannot work full time and parent the same as I do now, he does school runs and will look after the DC when needed and is a proper dad (most of the time but thats a different thread).

so not to drip feed DP and EX get on great, DP doesnt want EX to disappear so he doesnt have to worry about the responsibilty.

I am happy to be a single parent and I have done it for years but I dont want to share my life with someone and still effectivly be a single parent IYSWIM?

A lot of it comes down to money which is how we got to this point for example if we go out to dinner with the DCs we dont go 50/50 he would pay for his and Id pay for me and the DCs.
The food bill and utilites he only wants to contribute 1/6th of them as he doesnt see why he should pay for the DCs.

Their Dad doesnt pay maintenance just for reference.

DP is happy to play with the kids, read with them and spend time with them but certainly not babysit them or look after them.

AIBU to cancel the wedding if he doesnt want to be an actual part of the family rather than the live in boyfriend?

i call cocklodger wants to cherry pick the best and when the shit hits the fan wants to stand back and say ooh nothing to do with me. Not the attitude of a life partner sorry.

He's also setting up a competition for your affection a them and us mentality. Id say you've have had a very lucky escape, time for him to move out you deserve better for you and your children

Like PPs have pointed out. He might not want to contribute to support the family, but the government will expect him to. So you'd be putting yourself and your DC in a very vulnerable position if you marry him as you wouldn't be entitled to benefits based on his income if you were out of work, fell ill etc. He's just not a suitable step father and surely that's the most important thing when you have 4 DC. The utility bill thing is just tight though.

I think yab a bit u.

Your children have two parents. They should be paying for them and looking after them.

Your dh is lovely to them and reads/plays...I'm not sure what more a step parent can reasonably be expected to do. They don't need another parent.

I think his behaviour is extreme and unfair on you and the children. it is not unreasonable to expect you to pay more but come on, he can treat you and the kids some time. I would expect something like a 60/40 split on house hold stuff or even 50/50 & you buy all the clothes and stuff for the children.
If you love him & he loves you; sit down & discuss. It just maybe he hasn't occurred to him that it is odd to behave like this.

At least he is being honest and not promising things he won't do. MN often advices step mums to be quite hands off and also not to pay for step kids. Have a read of threads with step mums
I'd cancel the wedding and I'd think about demoting the OH to boyfriend.

It sounds to me as if he is treating you and your children like a Pic 'n Mix, choosing to contribute or not depending on whether your DCs are involved or not. That isn't step-parenting, it's completely unacceptable (as is your ex not financially supporting your children).

I certainly wouldn't want him living in the same house unless he fully contributed in every way.

Apart from joining the chorus of no, don't do it, a PP's comment on why a man who doesn't want children would marry someone with 4 got me thinking...

I suspect you're a bit of a catch OP. Are you selling yourself short here? If a man baby like your fiancé is - let's be honest - prepared to overlook 4 kids to be with you, maybe you could be doing oh so much better elsewhere with a proper grown up that'll learn to love your kids as well as you?

Just a thought.

I would not marry under these circumstances. He doesn't seem like a generous person and I would not find that easy to live with.

I think it's a horrible situation to be in but like the majority I think step parents are part of the family. I would struggle having a family unit that my partner wasn't part of.

I have three DCs from previous relationship and I'm pregnant with fourth DC with my partner. My partner wouldn't go out and buy school uniform and I obviously wouldn't expect him to but when out for a meal it's either his treat, my treat or 50/50. For household bills he pays 50/50. He sees my DCs as his family too because like you, me and my children come as a package.

Wow. You can't put up with that. My fiancé treats my son as his own and if he didn't then it wouldn't work. He drives him places, helps on the computer, gives money for sweets. All bills are split 50/50.

If the 4 "children" were in fact, aged 18+ and all earning, then yes, splitting bills 6 ways would be fair. But they can't contribute, so it's daft if you are paying 5/6th of the mortgage/gas/elec/council tax etc. Utilities should be split 50/50 and in your shoes, I'd pay a bit extra towards the food bill. If he is indeed only paying 1/6th of the bills, surely he was massively better off as soon as he moved in with you? But you must have been massively worse off, as you would have lost any tax credits and had an extra mouth to feed?

I guess it's quite important how much he earns. If he was a really high earner, I'd assume he should just split everything 50/50, as he's still have plenty left over....but on minimum wage, it may be genuinely difficult to take on financial responsibility for 4 children that aren't his own.

How old are the DC? If he is paying 1/6th of all bills, then once they've all left home, he is going to have a huge shock as he will have to up his contribution to half.

I have 2 DC (well, they've left home now) and what me an DH (no kids) did was to split all bills 50/50, I put in a bit extra for food. If we went on hols, I paid for me and the kids, he paid for himself. But at that time I earned a lot more than him AND I got a good deal of child support from their Dad, so that made sense to me.

Same as another PP, me and DH have 3 children who we treat equally and support equally - only 1 of them is actually his child. Lifts, drops off, helping with homework, mending bikes, and contributing equally to the household. I suppose I am the higher earner and we work it so we have the same amount of spending money left each month, if he earned the same I assume it would work the same. Finances aside I can't imagine being married to someone who wouldn't babysit the kids, what happens if you want to go out?

Good work on cancelling. Also don't go out to dinner and get him to move out even if you still want to date. You are a single mum to 4 children and can't afford just going Out to dinner because your single boyfriend is happy to pay for his own meal. You need to receive the benefits a single mum is due so you can look after your children. He is depriving you of this support while not really offering you anything in return.

This sounds horrible. Please dump him. Marry a man who treats your children as he would his own (that is, with love and kindness). I can't even imagine dealing with an itemised bill for 'my' children for the rest of my life. NO!

I just read back and saw the bit where you said he couldn't live on his own for the money he gives you for housing, food and bills. So you are subsidising his lifestyle. OK. Your choice.

Which sixth of the house is he permitted to use?

I'm a stepmother and it's been such a joy to me. My DH and his DD came as a package and I loved them both. If I hadn't been prepared to commit to her I wouldn't have married him.

I wouldn't marry this man, or live with him under the circumstances you describe. You say he's lovely but what I'm hearing is that he's chronically mean and wants to be a child-free bachelor rather than any sort of DH.

If you set up home with a parent you take their kids on. Simple as. If you don't want to, fair enough. Go find a childless partner.

My marriage is a partnership. My dp supported me through uni. I supported dp through some physical health problems. We have a joint account and save hard for family holidays.
Your children will notice this divide and it's going to become a massive problem. I really feel for you. X

Gosh complicated situation. No easy answers that won't have consequences.

Did you start the business together ?
If the relationship breaks down what will happen to the business ?
If you marry do you have assets that you need to protect for your children?
If you marry will you lose any state benefits that will make you financially worse off?
Do you have any protection, financial or otherwise, in place should something happen to you if you were dead or incapable of working?

I can kind of see his position. He sees you accept that your DP can flit in and out of your and your children's lives playing Disney dad but not stepping up either financially or operationally to make your lives easier. A) He sees no quid pro quo in return for helping to provide financial stability and:
B) He doesn't respect you because your Ex is treating you like a mug imho and you are allowing it.
C) He says he doesn't want children of his own. Assuming that's a permanent position, why then when he has made his position clear from the outset would it then come as a surprise to you that on marriage there's an expectation that he is suddenly financially and emotionally responsible for 4 children. From the sound of it, he has never contributed to your financial set up barring a notional rent.

If you didn't set up the business together and it is "your" business, you are the majority shareholder/owner then you don't have to draw the same salaries assuming the business can support it.
If you run the business together but he set it up and owns the equity then you could find yourself being sidelined and out the door very quickly if your relationship goes south.

DP is BAbitU but your ex is VVVU if he WON'T work to support his own DC yet you are more annoyed with your dp.

Splitting everything six ways is petty but equally, suddenly having to support four DC is a very big ask if their own father contributes sweet FA. I'm thinking there needs to be more conversation here. He lives in your house and gets on with the DC, how old are they? That does make a difference.

Lots on here are saying he's mean and horrible but perhaps he's a bit overwhelmed and annoyed to be expected to pay so much for children whose own father can't be arsed to pay?

How can anyone respect someone who keeps the equivalent of 5/6 of the other persons income to their self and lets them struggle when they are supposed to love them.

That he couldn't even afford to rent for that much shows how much he is happy to let you struggle.

I haven't rtft but- he pays 1/6 of the bills? He must have seen you coming. That's outrageous.

Marriage = you and the kids as a package. He should pay half of the rent not 1/6. The dc can't pay 4/6 so he either takes you all on or none.

At least he's honest he doesn't want to be a step father but I can't see how you would marry a mother and not be a step dad to the dc, especially as you live with him.

But their dad should be paying something - you should be getting a bit of his income support if he's not working. I'd sort this out too.

Does he imagine this financial relationship would continue when you were married? How does it work with regards to holidays, etc?