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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to cancel the wedding?

225 replies

Mildinsanity · 13/10/2016 10:46

DP and I got engaged in August and have booked our venue for august 2018.
Photographer is booked and dress is bought.
However now Im having 2nd thoughts, we live together and own a buisness and are very much in love, he gets on fantastically with my 4DCS from a previous relationship but wants none of the responsibilty.

I can sort of see his point as they arent his DC he never wanted children but he chose to take me knowing I have 4 children and we come as a package.
Their dad is still very much a part of the DCs lives at the moment but I never know how long that will be for as he is a bit flighty, if he does disappear and it is definetly a possibilty then I cannot work full time and parent the same as I do now, he does school runs and will look after the DC when needed and is a proper dad (most of the time but thats a different thread).

so not to drip feed DP and EX get on great, DP doesnt want EX to disappear so he doesnt have to worry about the responsibilty.

I am happy to be a single parent and I have done it for years but I dont want to share my life with someone and still effectivly be a single parent IYSWIM?

A lot of it comes down to money which is how we got to this point for example if we go out to dinner with the DCs we dont go 50/50 he would pay for his and Id pay for me and the DCs.
The food bill and utilites he only wants to contribute 1/6th of them as he doesnt see why he should pay for the DCs.

Their Dad doesnt pay maintenance just for reference.

DP is happy to play with the kids, read with them and spend time with them but certainly not babysit them or look after them.

AIBU to cancel the wedding if he doesnt want to be an actual part of the family rather than the live in boyfriend?

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 13/10/2016 12:19

It is a big ask.

But assuming OP didn't hold a gun to his head, he chose this.

And you can't have it both ways.

OP is the RP. That means her children are the biggest part of her life, as well they should be.

If he doesn't want to take on any sort of supportive parental role, he needs to marry someone who doesn't have children.

scampimom · 13/10/2016 12:21

It's not about him "Pretending" to be their dad, though - it's about him wanting to have the marriage and the home and the nice bits of having kids, without having to take on any of the financial OR emotional responsibilities that come with marrying a family unit. And it's fine he doesn't want to do that, but he shouldn't propose to a family unit if he only wants a bit of it.

MyCatIsTryingToKillMe · 13/10/2016 12:21

You cannot choose to live with someone / marry someone who is primary carer to 4 children and not take them as part of your family. He needs to decide if he wants you enough to take on the kids (which he should have thought about a looooooooong time ago) or he wants to live like a single, child free man. You have already made that choice with regard to the wedding and personally I think you've made the right call BUT why is he still living with you? That's not much different to marriage, I wouldn't have moved in together with that attitude either.

scampimom · 13/10/2016 12:22

He sounds like a lovely boyfriend, but not a lovely husband.

Original poster
Mildinsanity · 13/10/2016 12:22

Ive not said he is wrong to feel this way I respect his view but I also know that if he cant be step dad then it isnt going to work. its not a case of whos right or wrong but its not right for me and my kids therefore I cant carry on with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mildinsanity · 13/10/2016 12:24

Neither of us are big earners and he doesnt take a lot of income, its not so much the money but the reasons behind it

OP posts:
Ifounddory · 13/10/2016 12:24

Honestly, I think youve got 4 children. Youre expecting a lot to want someone to just come in and be a complete father to them, financially as well as emotionally, when you still have your ex being a father to them and dont get financial support from him either.

I don't think expecting a spouse/step parent to look after the kids occasionally, to treat them occasionally or to do more than be there on a superficial level is asking too much. This guy is withdrawing to the extent that he won't pay a single penny towards the kids "because he doesn't want kids, they aren't his problem"

If you get married you become a family. I don't think the op is expecting the world just for him to step up and actually help with day to day stuff.

scampimom · 13/10/2016 12:25

That;s it exactly, OP - this is the situation, and this situation isn't right for you and your kids, so you have to remove yourself from the situation. He's not a complete bastard like some people are making out, but he isn't going to change his mind - if he hasn't fallen in love with your kids by now, he ain't gonna. And a big cake and a posh dress won't change that.

Best of luck OP, I think you've been very brave and stood up for yourself and your children.

RabbitsNap01 · 13/10/2016 12:26

agree with mycat, I'd not have lived with him either as he's not even offering to support you yourself in hard times (presumably you would support him if he got sick etc). I don't think you're asking him to take all your DC on, but it's the fact that even in hard times (if your DCs' dad disappears) he'd resent any bit of help he'd have to give that would kill it all stone dead for me.

Dowser · 13/10/2016 12:26

He just sounds like he's an older brother to the children to me or look ie someone else says an uncle.

My dh has no children and mine were grown up and had children of their own when we got together.

My family are a massive part of my life and if he wasn't willing to share in my family life then we wouldn't be together.
We've since had three more grandchildren since being together.
So op it doesn't end with just your children.

My dh and I live in the home I own and we split bills 50/50 . We have a money purse that we put the same amount in each month, then we go for meals, the cinema etc the bill is paid from that purse. If we have grandchildren with us their food, cinema ticket comes from that purse.

Your dp needs to have a long hard think about the situation. You've either done him a favour or he needs to come to his senses that this situation cannot last as it's going to be totally unworkable

This sounds a fairly lavish wedding. What's his attitude to that. What is his contribution.

Personally I think he needs to be paying 50/50 into the financial pot to show his commitment to you and your family.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 13/10/2016 12:28

Nope, I wouldn't have got with someone like this in the first place. He never accepted you came with 4 kids.

If me and DH ever split and I met someone else and they expected this and made it known they didn't want to be a step parent, they would be history straight away. Children come as a package deal. If you can't deal with that, fine, don't get with someone with children, but don't make a half arsed attempted and pull crap like that with finances. The resentment would just build and build.

MatildaOfTuscany · 13/10/2016 12:35

I can only speak for myself, OP, but I would not marry a man who thought like this. I'd definitely cancel the wedding (in fact, I would never have agreed to it in the first place under those terms).

WittyCakeMeister · 13/10/2016 12:37

He shouldn't be expected to share finances, or treat the kids 'as his own' or be totally fine with looking after them himself (although with time you'd expect this to come easier for him). Or to pay exactly half all the time.

BUT working out what 1/6 is, and only paying that amount?! It's the (to steal someone's words above) penny-pinching, pettiness of it. It says something about his personality. That is an extreme attitude and I'd be worried about it rearing it's ugly head throughout various aspects of your life/relationship towards children.

Ginkypig · 13/10/2016 12:40

I am a stepparent now and a child with "two" dads

My dad was very involved and we had a great relationship but my stepdad was great too.

We were a family unit mum stepdad and us, he and mum went on to have two more but that didn't change his feelings towards his first children (us) I love him as I would If he was my "real" dad (even though I also had a lovely dad)

If stepdad had been like your partner it would have greatly affected my childhood I think, he has thought me that parenthood is about actions, relationships and effort and nothing todo with biology and "blood" Iv taken what he taught me forward to my own (step)children.

My dad is dead now but stepdad is still around and I can't tell you how important his acceptance has been!

If your situation was mine I'm sorry but I'd be out of it, I'd think somthing was wrong with him and lose respect for him. It would cancel out all his other great qualities in my eyes. I couldn't share my life or my bed with him.

The above is not a judgment on you op! Just my own opinion for my own life.

crayfish · 13/10/2016 12:40

I totally respect anyone's decision not to want children but I can't understand why somebody who feels like that would choose to begin a serious relationship with somebody who has 4 of them!

The 1/6th thing is very unfair, from the sound of it your children are quite young, so it's not as if they are bringing in an income and the way it's split when you eat out would make me cringe.

I would cancel and split. You are just not compatible.

MatildaOfTuscany · 13/10/2016 12:42

I can only speak for myself, OP, but I would not marry a man who thought like this. I'd definitely cancel the wedding (in fact, I would never have agreed to it in the first place under those terms).

It's not about what it's reasonable to expect a man, any man, to take on. Some will (my father did with my older sister, I always used to find it absolutely heart-warming to watch how excited Ian Wright got over Sean Wright Philip's goals for England - if ever you want your faith restored as to how wonderful stepfathers can be, he's your man!) Some won't (and that's fair enough, that's their choice).

What it is about is what you want and need from a partner. It is perfectly reasonable to say "I only want to marry the first sort of man - the sort who is happy to become an absolutely committed and involved stepfather - not the second sort." You don't have to put up with him because he's an okay boyfriend even if he'd make a crap stepfather.

anon123456 · 13/10/2016 12:46

Why do you have to get married? Whats wrong with how things are now? wait until the kids are 18 if you still want to marry.

I am a believer that children have a right to expect both biological parents to support them. Your seeing your DP as the baddy but its the ex who isn't paying his share. Is it right to expect DP to subsidise your ex, I am not so sure.

As a compromise can't you keep separate accounts but also have a joint account that you both pay an agreed 'fair' amount into. Then when you go to out to dinner etc the bill is payed from the joint account as one 'step family'.

foxtrotoscarfoxtrotfoxtrot · 13/10/2016 12:53

I'd cancel. Aside from the obvious strain on your relationship I'd worry about emotional damage to the dcs from his obvious rejection, and the possible financial implications should you die before him intestate. He could inherit all your assets, and your dc could get nothing.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 13/10/2016 12:57

He's not taking on any of the parts of being a husband or even a partner, never mind a step-parent. It is bad for your DC to see you setting him up in your house like a step-parent but then him acting like he is a boyfriend staying over. Very confusing. He should live in his own place and you date. Then it is simple.

Jaxhog · 13/10/2016 13:01

if we go out to dinner with the DCs we dont go 50/50 he would pay for his and Id pay for me and the DCs.

That would do it for me. He hasn't accepted you as a package, if he thinks this way. This is the thinking of a boyfriend, not a husband. You need a serious talk before you get married.

WittyCakeMeister · 13/10/2016 13:04

Good point Foxtrot. Although not nice to think about, if you were married and died before he did, could you put your trust in him to do right by your children? It's an important consideration. If he's quibbling over financial things, I'd suspect not.

EnoughAlready43 · 13/10/2016 13:08

Call it off. Don't marry a mean man. Meanness is a disease. You're better off without him.

Jaxhog · 13/10/2016 13:10

PS. And get that excuse for a father back to court for maintenance too. No-one has an excuse for not paying towards their own children! It is your children's right to be supported by the man who 50% made them. It is your responsibility to follow through on this.

Please don't let them both walk all over you.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/10/2016 13:10

The way I see it, neither of you is 'wrong', per se.

You are not wrong to want a partner to be a full part of your family. Someone to co-parent, co-support, and be a true partner in the family. But where you are wrong is in getting involved with a man who doesn't want a family.

He is not wrong to NOT want to be a parent, to NOT want to support the children of a man who will not support them himself. But where he is wrong is in ever getting involved with a woman who has children.

What the two of you are, is incompatible. You can love someone to distraction and that person can still not be the right person for you (or your children) based on 'outside' factors (children, strong religious convictions, finances, etc).

This is why, when I was single (married with kids now), I chose to never date a man with children. I knew I wouldn't be a good stepmother and it wouldn't be fair to him, to me, and certainly not fair to the children. And I disagree with those saying wait til the children are grown to marry. Time, money, and responsibility to your children doesn't end when they move out, it may lessen and take on a different form, but it's still there. He'll still not want to contribute to holidays, gifts, and the little financial things we do for adult children. And he's going to resent the time you spend babysitting grandchildren, going on family holidays, having them to your house because he'll feel that it's now 'his time' with you.

You are right to cancel the wedding. If you want to continue to be involved with him, it needs to be on a 'boyfriend/girlfriend' basis with no financial entanglements and a clear understanding that your children will come first. I'd be willing to bet that he won't accept that.

pregnantat50 · 13/10/2016 13:13

This may be some way down the line but how does the financial side of your DP effect the children when they go to Uni/further education. Is his income taken into consideration when offering grant/student loans. I am just thinking ahead about possible scenarios.

Do they include the income of a step parent when doing this? if so and if he isnt keen to help them out financially they will get a raw deal financially at Uni