to cancel the wedding?

[Mildinsanity]

DP and I got engaged in August and have booked our venue for august 2018.
Photographer is booked and dress is bought.
However now Im having 2nd thoughts, we live together and own a buisness and are very much in love, he gets on fantastically with my 4DCS from a previous relationship but wants none of the responsibilty.

I can sort of see his point as they arent his DC he never wanted children but he chose to take me knowing I have 4 children and we come as a package.
Their dad is still very much a part of the DCs lives at the moment but I never know how long that will be for as he is a bit flighty, if he does disappear and it is definetly a possibilty then I cannot work full time and parent the same as I do now, he does school runs and will look after the DC when needed and is a proper dad (most of the time but thats a different thread).

so not to drip feed DP and EX get on great, DP doesnt want EX to disappear so he doesnt have to worry about the responsibilty.

I am happy to be a single parent and I have done it for years but I dont want to share my life with someone and still effectivly be a single parent IYSWIM?

A lot of it comes down to money which is how we got to this point for example if we go out to dinner with the DCs we dont go 50/50 he would pay for his and Id pay for me and the DCs.
The food bill and utilites he only wants to contribute 1/6th of them as he doesnt see why he should pay for the DCs.

Their Dad doesnt pay maintenance just for reference.

DP is happy to play with the kids, read with them and spend time with them but certainly not babysit them or look after them.

AIBU to cancel the wedding if he doesnt want to be an actual part of the family rather than the live in boyfriend?

if he didn't want the responsibility of kids, he shouldn't have got so serious with a woman who has four of them.

he needs to shape up or ship out, because your kids aren't going anywhere. And once they get old enough to notice that the man who sleeps with their mum and allegedly loves her won't pay for them, who will they feel?

the father that won't pay due to 'won't work' (your words) is another issue.

I'm surprised anyone lives like this. I know it's probably a bit Hollywood, but I imagine a marriageable step-parent being someone who sweeps in and becomes involved with the children and they adore him/her almost as much as their natural parents.

How do your children feel about the current arrangements? They must pick up on this weirdness at the very least? Are they going to sense that step-dad views them as an inconvenience? Something to be put up with so he can get to you? What happens when there are inevitably family disagreements and you side with him? How will he react if you side with your children?

If he can't step into the role of a proper step-parent, caring for and adoring your children as though they were his own, then he shouldn't be in their family home. He's a part of the family or he's not, end of.

YANBU.

This is a tricky one. He has made a life choice not to have a family so it would be unfair for him to be picking up the tab for four children that are not his own. Particularly when their own dad is not contributing.

How did you get to this point OP when you have chosen two long term life partners who do not pull their weight financially? Are you attracted to deadbeats or are you a bit of a pushover? Or very controlling and want things done your way? Whatever is going on you don't seem to be ending up with men who are your match in terms of drive and comittment. You would might want to investigate that through counselling when this crisis is over.

I think the crux here is he has chosen not to have a family and does not want the financial expense of a family. So he should not take on the comittment of a step family by marrying you. Nor should you bring a supposed stepfather into the house who wants to act like a kindly uncle or big brother rather than a stepfather. You could continue to live together as boyfriend (and that sounds like the right word for him) and girlfriend or he could move out and you could continue to date him. Or you could go your separate ways and allow yourself time to find someone more supportive.

Sorry he's not really loving, kind and gentle really is he? He's happy to stand by while you struggle financially...

He's proposing you get married and he has a lodger like financial relationship with you?!

For me he would need to have a drastic rethink of his priorities..

I think you are doing the right thing TBH.
Fair enough that you should pay more for the kids but not to the extent of utility bills. That's madness. But then I'm an all money in the same pot person so I'm never going to understand how a partner can spend on whatever they want whilst seeing someone they supposedly love, struggle.

The kids complicate this overall view but if you did decide to separate money then you should only be paying additional kids costs. General house costs that you would have anyway as a couple should be split 50/50. The extra water/heating/tv channels should be irrelevant and only someone really mean would factor these into splitting costs.

What did he say when you told him the wedding was off?

Cancel, cancel, cancel (it's much easier to not get married than to get divorced!)
Actually, don't just cancel, get rid! He'll be the same way with or without marriage!

I'm usually set against all money being 'family money' it feels too simplistic.

But you and pp are right, he's living like a lodger - thus your relationship will never be balanced.

I think you're doing the right thing to call the wedding off for now - mainly because I know how much my stepdad means to me. He took me on, raised me as his own and has been a father to me since I was three years old (my father was a Disney dad, he let me eat Mars Bar ice creams for breakfast, but didn't pay a penny towards my upbringing).

I wouldn't be half the adult I am today if it weren't for my stepdad. I know the value of your children knowing that they are loved and supported by all the adults in their life, it really does make a world of difference.

Mumoftwo I wouldn't want to pay to bring up someone else's children either, therefore I wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who already had children.

I would cancel or at least postpone. I have dsc, our finances are split 50/50, obviously he pays maintenance but when it comes to holidays, dinners out, days out etc. sometimes ill pay all or hell pay all, they are part of my family and I wouldn't dream of not including them or splitting payments.

I understand he didn't want children, however he is marrying someone who has them, so either he needs to stop viewing them as separate and start including them all.

I can see both sides of this.
The money is ridiculous, there should be no his n hers in a partnership.
All money is family money to be used for everyone, otherwise what's the point in being a family?

I understand the parenting side, too many people have a new partner who parents the children and the children can become resentful, especially when their parent is still on the scene, and your dp has at least been honest with you, rather than giving you false hope.
I don't believe that people always come as a package, but you do need to agree on this.

I think the fact you both want different things either means compromise or cancelling the wedding and splitting up.
At least you know now and not 3 or more years after being married.

As a SM, I'd be pretty annoyed about the fact that I was being asked to contribute financially when the DC's DF isn't.

Why isn't he paying maintenance?

Honestly, I think youve got 4 children. Youre expecting a lot to want someone to just come in and be a complete father to them, financially as well as emotionally, when you still have your ex being a father to them and dont get financial support from him either. It sounds like hes very fond of your children and does things with them, but hes not their father and you want him to pretend he is and pay for them as though theyre his own.
My dp took my ds1 on as his own, but I think taking on 4 kids is a different kettle of fish, and it sounds like youre actually pretty lucky to me.

He hasnt said much, asked if I wanted to go out for dinner... I think he is ignoring the issue to be honest.
Ive taken my ring off and Im currently holding the shop front whilst he works in his office.
He is so great with the kids when they are in the room but out of sight out of mind comes into my head.
He does pay a substantial amount each month but no more than what Id get in housing benefit as a single parent if that makes sense, he couldnt live elsewhere for it, his rent includes all bills and food except his bike and phone, we split the car 50/50.

He was very clear on not wanting kids and I completly accept that but he knew from the start I have 4 DC and my feelings on the situation, Ive been completly transparent.

We discussed EX leaving completly a few months back when it was very nearly a reality and he stated he was willing to take on a step parent role and help if it came to it.
Now he has changed his mind and said he dont know how hed do it if EX leaves and he's not ready for it.
Which I accept but dont get married then.

He did say things could change in the 18mths before the wedding... ok but what if we pay for the whole wedding then he decides he cant do it? No thanks Im not taking the risk.

I don't think I could cope with that tbh ! My dp took ds on as his own we also now have a dd together and they are treated no differently ds dad sees him every week and is very much involved and also pays very little maintenance , Dp doesn't care about the maintenance and pays for everything for both ds and dd and doesn't grudge him , it's not as if it was a surprise you had 4 dc you didn't exactly hide it then shout 'surprise' here's 4 dc for you , he sounds very selfish I couldn't deal with that me and my ds came as a package end of

You are right OP. Things might change in the future and if they do you can reshedu;e the wedding. But to go ahead with planning while things are as they are is effectively saying 'I am prepared to live like this'. Cancelling now will be much less traumatic and less expensive.

Honesty I think your concerns are valid but I think he is also getting a hard time here. Your set-up in some way suggests that you too see him as a separate relationship to your 'family' life. If I've understood correctly, your ex comes into your hous for an hour every morning (prime family time - pretty much the one time when you will never ever have visitors) and sorts the children out to being them to school. If I were your new partner I too would feel a bit odd about someone in my home every morning over breakfast and so I can see why he might deal with this by compartmentalising his relationship with you as an entirely separate thing to the children.

Plus four children really is a big financial responsibility - while a strict one-sixth rule seems a bit low, I don't think it unreasonable for him to wonder why he should pay vastly more than his share meal when your ex pays nothing at all for his own children. I would think the large size of your family and the corresponding expense would have influenced his attitude. I can't understand people being outraged at him not paying for the children who come as a 'package' with his girlfriend and yet not insisting the ex, who is far more packaged to these children than the partner will ever be, is held to financial account and should instead be in effect subsidised hugely by the new man.

Well done on recognising your concerns with this now (even if I think he is justified in some of them) and dealing with it before the wedding. If you want to salvage the relationship I would say you need to consider whether you can change your own set up, specifically formalise your situation with your ex financially and with the traipsing in to your home each morning, and not just expect the only solution to be that your partner suddenly decides to financially support the children.

Right decision, OP - he's just not a suitable step-parent with an attitude like that. Blended families need to blend, not be entirely separate units living under a single roof.

No, you're very wise.

'i may change my mind between now and the wedding'

Not good enough, if he's not sure about being a SD to those kids, there's absolutely no point in planning a wedding!

I'm sorry OP, take some time to yourself.

All you can do OP is have a serious sit down with him and see if he understands where you're coming from and if there's a way he can reassure you.

If you have grave concerns now it is only going to feel worse the closer to the wedding you get I'm afraid.

Have you had a full conversation about how finances will work once you're married? Would he consider all funds (especially as you run a business together!) family funds then?

It sounds a very unstable situation then. Your next decision has to be whether or not to end the relationship completely.
You could carry on as you are for years but then you wouldn't see him for dust if the ex suddenly leaves the scene. Or do you call it a say now and hope to find someone more committed?

I'm trying to imagine all six of you eating out and him paying 1/6th and you paying 5/6th.

He is a miserly tight bastard, how can he not feel embarrassed?

Am sending the link of this to DP maybe he will see Im not being irrational.

Wow I definitely wouldn't marry him my DH has been in DS life since he has been 2 he has put as much into the house as I have. He doesn't divide his share up! He is giving me his bonus for Christmas as I'm on Mat leave for the kids Christmas presents including DS. You and your DC deserve much more.

Neither of you have done anything wrong it just seems like you aren't compatible.
Are you happy not getting married and staying as is?

I think it's completely understandable to cancel the wedding if he won't accept the package as it is and I think it's understandable for him to not accept the package.

He can't just have you and not them as they are part of you... He needs to think what he wants and fast. It's not fair to leave you all hanging... I bet your children really love him and don't realise how he feels which must be so awful... Like lying to them