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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to cancel the wedding?

225 replies

Mildinsanity · 13/10/2016 10:46

DP and I got engaged in August and have booked our venue for august 2018.
Photographer is booked and dress is bought.
However now Im having 2nd thoughts, we live together and own a buisness and are very much in love, he gets on fantastically with my 4DCS from a previous relationship but wants none of the responsibilty.

I can sort of see his point as they arent his DC he never wanted children but he chose to take me knowing I have 4 children and we come as a package.
Their dad is still very much a part of the DCs lives at the moment but I never know how long that will be for as he is a bit flighty, if he does disappear and it is definetly a possibilty then I cannot work full time and parent the same as I do now, he does school runs and will look after the DC when needed and is a proper dad (most of the time but thats a different thread).

so not to drip feed DP and EX get on great, DP doesnt want EX to disappear so he doesnt have to worry about the responsibilty.

I am happy to be a single parent and I have done it for years but I dont want to share my life with someone and still effectivly be a single parent IYSWIM?

A lot of it comes down to money which is how we got to this point for example if we go out to dinner with the DCs we dont go 50/50 he would pay for his and Id pay for me and the DCs.
The food bill and utilites he only wants to contribute 1/6th of them as he doesnt see why he should pay for the DCs.

Their Dad doesnt pay maintenance just for reference.

DP is happy to play with the kids, read with them and spend time with them but certainly not babysit them or look after them.

AIBU to cancel the wedding if he doesnt want to be an actual part of the family rather than the live in boyfriend?

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 13/10/2016 11:15

You don't have to dump him, just go back to dating, life won't be so frustrating knowing you're essentially a single parent, rather than having this weird half family set up.

Beebeeeight · 13/10/2016 11:15

Only paying one sixth?

He saw you coming.

Cocklodger.

Get rid.

ohtheholidays · 13/10/2016 11:16

Yes I'd cancel the wedding!

My DH is not the biological parent to all my 5DC but he's as much they're Dad as I'm they're Mum,he knew from the first date that I had children and he knew that if we were ever going to be in a serious relationship that he'd have to love my children as much as he loved me and he does!

He's a far better parent than they're Father ever was or has been since.
They all call him Dad and he tells everyone that he has 5DC,if he'd acted like your partner is there wouldn't have been a future for us.

LIZS · 13/10/2016 11:17

Was it you having issues with x getting dc to school on time? What does your dp add to your family unit. The wedding is a red herring, the relationship can't continue if he won't pitch in. Atm He gets the benefits without any of the work.

Somerville · 13/10/2016 11:17

It is perfectly fine for him to not want the expense and hard work of parenting children. And at least he is being honest about that (I think?) rather than promising the world and failing to deliver. But he can't have his cake and eat it by marrying you without really accepting that you have financial, emotional and practical responsibilities to your children which come first, and that unless you have help with them you won't have any free time to spend with him/ energy for sex/ spare cash for treats, etc...

I'm engaged too, and have my children 100% of the time (widowed) and my chap has just moved in. I do feel quite strongly that my children are my financial responsibility and would be perfectly happy for him not to contribute as much as me to household expenditure or treats. But the fact that he disagrees and wants us to be a family and share my responsibilities is part of what makes me know he's a keeper.

If he didn't want to take on my children then it wouldn't stop me loving him but I would have seen him without them until my youngest child leaves home. Certainly not moved in with him or married him until after that point.

NavyAndWhite It's nice to hear about a situation like mine being successful 21 years on. Smile I think I've spent too long on the step-parenting board lately; it was starting to feel like most step-parents are full of seething animosity towards their spouse's children.

MaliceInWonderland78 · 13/10/2016 11:17

It doesn't sound ideal. That said, you have 4 kids which he knew and their father doesn't pay maintenance at all.

I'm not sure I'd be happy with that arrangement. If the father was paying maintenance and that money was going into the 'pot' then I'd probably suffer it.

Chocolate123 · 13/10/2016 11:18

So you pay everything and he gives you money every month. So what does he do with rest of his money?

stitchglitched · 13/10/2016 11:19

He sounds like your lodger, making a payment to cover his costs whilst leaving you with the bulk of the financial responsibility. The reality is that as a married couple you are assumed to share finances and his earnings would be counted for things such as tax credits for your children. His attitude to them would kill any desire I had for him stone dead tbh.

IsItGinTimeYet · 13/10/2016 11:20

DH and I have 3DC's. The fact that I had two of them before we met has no bearing on that. Everyone is equal and all are our responsibility (both care and financial).

SongforSal · 13/10/2016 11:21

Leave him. You must put your children first. The psychological implications they will pick up on 'knowing' they weren't part of a family will be immense. Sure, he sounds like he has taken you 'on'. But he doesn't want the kids. That's absolutely not fair on them.

Scarydinosaurs · 13/10/2016 11:22

He is completely taking advantage of you. You would be financially better off without him- you're subsidising his life by allowing him to just pay 1/6th as an adult costs more than a child. He would not be able to live that cheaply without you. Cancel and split.

lemondropcake · 13/10/2016 11:23

That is an awful situation. It wouldn't be a marriage.
Family is important, you can't just pick and choose when your in the family and when your not.
Call it off, you will regret it down the line. You and the children deserve someone better who will accept and love you all!

Original poster
Mildinsanity · 13/10/2016 11:24

Yes it was me about the school runs DCs dad is a good disney dad but not financially able to contribute, its a whole other issue.

In response to the poster about DP not wanting to pay for them when their dad dont I dont see how thats acceptable in a relationship, why would someone who loves me and my kids want to watch me struggle because their dad doesnt pay?

I have told him the weddings off and I have to do some thinking.
Makes a fun day at work as we work together and we only have the one car so Im stuck here when all I want to do is go and cry in the corner and eat ice cream

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 13/10/2016 11:24

Also what would happen if you lost your job or became ill and couldn't work. You couldn't claim benefits for yourself and your children as a lone parent, they would expect your husband to support you.

Captainladder · 13/10/2016 11:24

It wouldn't work for me.... If I split with dh and began another relationship it would be on the basis that me and dc come as a bundle... And the seperate money thing would be a no go because to me it feels like lack of commitment.

maddiemookins16mum · 13/10/2016 11:24

Your ex not paying is why he feels so pissed off I think (but he is being ridiculous though with certain things like the meals etc).

MoreCoffeeNow · 13/10/2016 11:25

Cancel. He's a tight prick and doesn't want to share your life.

mrssapphirebright · 13/10/2016 11:26

Hmm this is a tough one. To an extent I can see your Dp's issue. Your ex doesn't sound like he contributes much financially, although he has the DC so you can work / does the school run etc. If your exdh wasn't around anymore then you would have to reduce your income to look after your dc. I guess he feels that he would have to pick up the slack if your exdh went off the scene.

However, when you marry someone you make the committment to be there for someone for better or worse, richer or poorer. If your ex leaves you and your kids up the creak then he should stick by you and help support his family. After all you and your dc will be his family.

I also have a situation like this. I have 3 teen dc to my exdh. We get on well and he has the dc 2/3 nights a week and does the school run for me / runs them to their after school clubs etc and school hols etc as i work full time. he doesn't work now - early retirement due to ill health. I don't ask any maintenacne from him as I know that he would struggle financially. It cooks for the dc 3 times a week and more in the school hols. he also buys them clothes and pays for school trips etc. If he wasn't around then i know I would be financially worse off.

I am also re-married to a man who doesn't have any dc of his own. he doesn't need to play dad to my three as they are so close to their dad. he doesn't have to support them financially. I know if anything happened to exdh (which is quite likely due to his ill health / condition) then he will step up to the plate and support us all as a family.

OP I don't think your DP is ready for marriage IMO.

QueenJuggler · 13/10/2016 11:26

Get rid - he's a cocklodger who is being incredibly unfair on you and your children.

PatriciaHolm · 13/10/2016 11:27

He wants a casual dating type relationship albeit with you subsidising him. He doesn't want to have any proper relationship with your children.

This isn't a basis for any sort of marriage, regardless of what your Ex does or doesn't do.

Pettywoman · 13/10/2016 11:28

That is a massive problem and you're right to have doubts. How can that possibly work long term and how weird would it be for the children? You can't have an equal relationship if he fails to take on such a massive part of your life.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 13/10/2016 11:28

Hmmm I think 1/6th is harsh, as others have said it costs more for an adult than a child. But personally, I wouldn't want to be paying to bring up someone else's child, especially if I'd made the decision that I didn't want children.
I think if he is how you've described him and you explain how unhappy you are, he may change his stance and you can reach a compromise.
Every person and every relationship is different, I guess you just have to find what works for you. I hope you get sorted OP. Don't be hasty.

ReginaBlitz · 13/10/2016 11:30

A bit petty with the meals and electric. But I think it would be a different story if the dad wasn't involved, as he would have to be a dad, but their dad is involved so I suppose he sees it as they have a dad and he should be paying for them.

Didijustgetwinkpointshitcanned · 13/10/2016 11:30

If you don't want to pay to bring up someone else's child, you don't move in with and propose to a woman with children.

Isitjustmeorisiteveryoneelse · 13/10/2016 11:32

I didn't suggest it was 'acceptable' (only you can decide that) I merely suggest do you think that's what the issue is? Have you discussed it with DP and got a straight answer out of him as to why he doesn't want to contribute financially? If their DF was contributing do you think DP would start to as well? Everything else you've said makes it sound like he's great in other ways and you said yourself he's 'a proper parent'. It sounds like you don't really want to split. If, however, he isn't willing to contribute, ever, under any circumstances, yes I can see why that would be an impossible situation to try to have a future together as a family.