AIBU to smack this intrusive hand away?

[jayisforjessica]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with twins, and I'm the first to admit it: I'm getting to be a big girl! I do have quite a big round belly.

I have this group of friends who tend to be quite touchy feely, much more so than me personally. They're not bad people, but I've always sort of made my boundaries clear: If I come in for a hug, I want one, but until then, please assume I don't. And this has never been an issue. I used my words, asked for what I needed, and they willingly gave it.

Until now.

Somehow, being pregnant has opened the floodgates of what appears to be their thinly veiled desire to pet me. Every time I hang out with these friends, I have to tell them over and over, please, do not touch my belly. Please, I don't want to be petted and stroked. Please, I do love you, but I need you to keep your hands to yourself. Most of them have been great, but one woman (C, for argument's sake) just wouldn't let up, insisting that she was "only showing some love for [her] pregnant sister" and once again rubbing my belly despite my repeated clear and direct requests that she stopped.

I slapped her hand away.

She was outraged and immediately went into pout and sulk mode. I, on the other hand, think she's being completely unreasonable and childish. I TOLD her multiple times I didn't want to be touched. I TOLD her that I needed her to keep her hands to herself. She CHOSE to ignore those requests. It's my feeling that she deserved what she got (a little slap on the hand).

Our friends are somewhat divided. Some of them agree with me - that C is notorious for not respecting boundaries and they're proud of me for sticking up for myself. Others say "well, C's just like that, there was no call to hit her". Well, to that I say, I was not the one who made the first (clearly unwanted) physical contact. Was I?

For the record, this isn't the first time I've had issues with C. She has similar boundary issues around children "Oh, give Aunty C a hug" (whether the child wants to or not). DS, from the age of about 2-6, was afraid of her - would literally ask me to pick him up rather than face her.

I want to know the names!

We're a J family! I'm Jay (Jessica) and coincidentally my partner is James. We named DS Julian, after the character from the Famous Five books :D But now with two more on the way, we decided we wanted to keep the J thing going. I know it's Duggar-esque, but they're right: to leave the last one/two out of the trend would be mean! So...

Jennifer (Jenny) and Jack!

Don't stroke a dog without asking first.

Don't stroke a pregnant tummy without asking first.

YANBU.

No YANBU. Rude and very intrusive.

Jennifer (Jenny) and Jack!

I love both of those names, great choices!

Friend C has acted like a brat but you defended yourself well and have also set the record straight. I'd put it out of your mind for a bit now and focus on your lovely J family.

Although...I laughed at the image of being bitch slapped with a leather glove.

I do see where she's coming from, I do. And no, it's totally not cool to lay your hands on someone else's person when they have specifically and clearly asked you not to. Really fuck off with that.

Maybe I'm being unfair...maybe I would have done the same as a knee jerk reaction.

No one touched me when I was pregnant. I think I give off a 'touch me and i'll break your bloody fingers' vibe.

Out of curiosity jay, does C have children/can't have children/desperately wants children? Her behaviour seems completely ott. No wonder your son avoids her. I would too!

pictish Thank you for saying that. I guess we none of us know how far we'd go to protect ourselves or our DCs until the situation arises.

I'm sorry for saying we wouldn't enjoy each other. That was hasty of me based off only one thread. Truce?

Pictish, what else could OP have done? She repeatedly told the woman she did not want to be touched. The woman ignored her and touched her knowing full well OP did not want to be touched and had told her not to touch her.

I'd hope I'd have the guts to do the same, I remember freezing in shock when complete strangers touched my stomach when I was expecting my DC.

How would anyone like it if a stranger came up to them and gave their belly a vigorous rub going 'ooooh someone has had a big dinner..'.

I agree totally with Pictish. The "friend" was overstepping physical boundaries and was quite wrong to persist in touching the OP. No doubt about that whatsoever.

However, slapping or "swatting" her hand away raised this encounter to a new, unjustified level of aggression, which put the OP in the wrong, in my opinion. There were plenty of better alternatives - for example, taking hold of the intruding hand firmly and moving it off her stomach, while making eye contact and saying emphatically and seriously "Please don't do that. I really don't like it". The OP could also have stood up while doing this, to further "distance" herself from the "friend" and make the point clearer. She could have raised her voice a bit (but not shouted) to show she was upset. If none of these civilised and rational approaches worked, then the OP's next step should have to end the friendship and simply not see the woman again as she clearly had no respect or empathy for her. But slapping or swatting should never have been an option.

Yes, truce...absolutely. I'm not looking to stick the boot in.

Not to worry everyone, I've realised you can avoid the issue with a handy t-shirt!

Well, that all got resolved in a very civilised manner. Borrrring .

I know a j family

Mum and dad both J's
3 kids ( 2 boys one girl) all J's

Yanbu btw. You told her no and she ignored you. You didn't full on twat her one did you? You swatted her had away like you would an irritating fly.

Can we all club together to buy Jay that top before she next sees the group?

Jay, you did what you had to do, to be heard.
Hopefully, you now have a result.
The woman is a drama queen, she'll get over it, eventually, when she's bled it dry.

I'd have just shrugged hand away or moved her hand.
you might not like it but loads of people pet bumps, not a lot you can do about it except to ask them not to.
I suppose You could go round hitting them all if you want to, it's your call.

YANBU I would have punched her. There are times when a stern telling will not do anything and this was clearly one of them. I dont think anything subtle will have worked on this woman (who sounds a nightmare btw - well done for tolerating her for 15 years).

Well done for the kick arse message to everyone. Has there been a positive response form your other friends?

Love the family names! Was tempted by Julian when I was upduffed byt it was also the name of my boss and I ended up having a girl

Well, that all got resolved in a very civilised manner. Borrrring

Hey, I'm all about using my words and not creating drama. Didn't my previous posts clue you in to that?

Bettercallsaul1
It's not as simple as just "not seeing her". This is an old, old group, who have lived each other's pockets for the better part of fifteen years, haha. As Captain Awkward would say, C is the groups "squeaky stair", and I'm just simply not willing to step around her anymore.

Have you guys heard of Captain Awkward? I think you might really like her

I'm a huge fondler of pregnant tummies when I'm allowed but only with consent. Also loved having my tummy petted but only by people I like

Me, too.

It's discourteous in the extreme to touch someone when they are obviously uncomfortable with it. And there are many people who have suffered abuse in childhood and who have huge issues around touch. No-one has the right to force physical contact (even of the kindest, gentlest type)upon them.

God I too would have swatted her away like an annoying wasp. She had plenty of warning.

This is the kind of issue where if she repeatedly ignored or made an issue of it... Well I'd end the friendship.

Not sure I'd have swapped or punched but would have made a scene!

Why do others stroke a bump without asking first??!! Weird

Aarghh I mean swatted not swapped!

YANBU. You told her.