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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to smack this intrusive hand away?

392 replies

jayisforjessica · 13/10/2016 00:17

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with twins, and I'm the first to admit it: I'm getting to be a big girl! I do have quite a big round belly.

I have this group of friends who tend to be quite touchy feely, much more so than me personally. They're not bad people, but I've always sort of made my boundaries clear: If I come in for a hug, I want one, but until then, please assume I don't. And this has never been an issue. I used my words, asked for what I needed, and they willingly gave it.

Until now.

Somehow, being pregnant has opened the floodgates of what appears to be their thinly veiled desire to pet me. Every time I hang out with these friends, I have to tell them over and over, please, do not touch my belly. Please, I don't want to be petted and stroked. Please, I do love you, but I need you to keep your hands to yourself. Most of them have been great, but one woman (C, for argument's sake) just wouldn't let up, insisting that she was "only showing some love for [her] pregnant sister" and once again rubbing my belly despite my repeated clear and direct requests that she stopped.

I slapped her hand away.

She was outraged and immediately went into pout and sulk mode. I, on the other hand, think she's being completely unreasonable and childish. I TOLD her multiple times I didn't want to be touched. I TOLD her that I needed her to keep her hands to herself. She CHOSE to ignore those requests. It's my feeling that she deserved what she got (a little slap on the hand).

Our friends are somewhat divided. Some of them agree with me - that C is notorious for not respecting boundaries and they're proud of me for sticking up for myself. Others say "well, C's just like that, there was no call to hit her". Well, to that I say, I was not the one who made the first (clearly unwanted) physical contact. Was I?

For the record, this isn't the first time I've had issues with C. She has similar boundary issues around children "Oh, give Aunty C a hug" (whether the child wants to or not). DS, from the age of about 2-6, was afraid of her - would literally ask me to pick him up rather than face her.

OP posts:
ArmfulOfRoses · 13/10/2016 12:34

Great message op, did any of your friends not there tell you what C had told them about what happened?

Bailey101 · 13/10/2016 12:48

I'm dying to know her spin on it too!!

Original poster
jayisforjessica · 13/10/2016 13:07

"All I did was sit next to Jay and give her a little loving pat on the belly. You know me, I would never hurt a fly! Then for no reason at all, she just went crazy and hit me! I don't know what I did to deserve it! But then Jay's always been a grouch. And look at how she's raised Julian... he's just as big of a grouch as she is. He never talks to me when we get all the kids together."

Lather rinse repeat.

OP posts:
Nocabbageinmyeye · 13/10/2016 13:16

That was her reply??? Shock Oh my God! She is now calling your child names? Is anybody else in the group saying anything?

Original poster
jayisforjessica · 13/10/2016 13:20

I mean we've known her for fifteen years. Nobody BELIEVES her, but there's a divide between those who are openly exasperated with her and those who are sort of humoring her and then shaking their heads behind her back. No one has said anything to me (yet) that would indicate they're genuinely taking her side.

OP posts:
Original poster
jayisforjessica · 13/10/2016 13:21

OH! And, she calls him JUJU. He HATES that. He's TOLD her he hates that. He doesn't go by a shortened version of his name, not even with us!

OP posts:
RiverTam · 13/10/2016 13:23

Are you going to reply?

QueenofallIsee · 13/10/2016 13:23

Its clear now that you were totally unreasonable - you should have judo chopped her.

TeaPleaseLouise · 13/10/2016 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 13/10/2016 13:25

Is that her genuine reply?
I thought that was you parodying the sort of thing she might reply.

HKHKHR · 13/10/2016 13:28

Congratulations and YANBU

Well done for standing up for yourself, and it was perfectly acceptable to slap the hand away after telling her not too.

There's a drama lama in every group and you just dealt with yours.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 13/10/2016 13:28

I can't get over that reply, have you said anything back? I think I would say something like

"Lets be clear, I did not hit you, I lighted slapped you. Did you not like it? I understand that unwanted touching isn't nice is it? The difference being I have asked you repeatedly not to touch me.

Now you have gone from unwanted touching to criticising my parenting and name calling my child and I, I will not stoop to a level of name calling but I refuse to engage with someone who would be so nasty to a child and a friend. My son is a lovely child and a very good judge of character too it seems too"

ChequeOff · 13/10/2016 13:31

I don't know. You say you're all about using your words but your aibu is about having slapped your "friend". Then you make a comment about her children not being as smart and nice as your dcs.

I agree with Pictish's observations that you're coming across as quite self righteous and bloody minded TBH.

pictish · 13/10/2016 13:38

Yes...the comment about this friend's daughter not being as likeable or clever as her own son did not pass me by either.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 13/10/2016 13:39

It passed me by Blush where was it?

Jaxhog · 13/10/2016 13:46

Rise above it. When she says anything, either shake your head sadly or roll your eyes. Everyone else will get it.

pictish · 13/10/2016 13:47

"C has one DD, aged 15. DD is... not nearly as gregarious, chatty smart, and friendly as my DS.

I'm not gloating at ALL."

Hmm
birdsdestiny · 13/10/2016 13:49

Er you and this woman are not friends. You don't like her, and she doesn't respect your boundaries.

Original poster
jayisforjessica · 13/10/2016 13:49

Oh come on, I was teasing!

It wasn't very nice, I admit, but I posted it and then couldn't see a way to delete it, so I'm stuck with it now.

OP posts:
Original poster
jayisforjessica · 13/10/2016 13:52

That reply is a parody/amalgamation of the kinds of things I've been getting.

OP posts:
Stormtreader · 13/10/2016 13:54

"You say you're all about using your words but your aibu is about having slapped your "friend"."

The problem is, she has been told before, many times. touch please dont touch me .....touch please dont touch me .....touch please dont touch me...touch...

The problem when someone just wont listen is that all that touching is still going on. The OP is continually being touched against her wishes, and C is blithely ignoring it with the full intent of future touching, because that way C gets to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants. It sounds like she is very overdue to be shown that there are actually more intense repercussions to trying to indulge in her unwanted behaviour.

SuperFlyHigh · 13/10/2016 13:54

birds - that's the way I see it too - in a situation like this with other friends I have had to tell an 'awkward friend' (who was rude to another friend of mine, called her out on her supposed meanness etc) to shut up (away from my other friends and on another occasion).

I would have no hesitation in ending or curtailing the friendship as you will both only be snippy around each other from now on.

Alternatively speak to toucher in person OP try to get her to call a truce for the sake of your other friends (you'll never be close I think), that may work.

Onenerfwarfrombreakdown · 13/10/2016 13:57

I really hope that was your parody reply - if she really has posted that, then she's out and out cuckoo... Your reply needs to point out you swatted her hand away not hit her, and how maybe now she will understand about unwanted contact? She sounds dense in the extreme.

ChequeOff · 13/10/2016 13:59

Birds has it I think.

op describes her group of friends as: They're not bad people

Seems an odd way to describe real friends, no? Hmm

SuperFlyHigh · 13/10/2016 14:01

ChequeOff - as OP states 'friends for 15 years' - so they must be some sort of real friends, no??!!