AIBU to smack this intrusive hand away?

[jayisforjessica]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with twins, and I'm the first to admit it: I'm getting to be a big girl! I do have quite a big round belly.

I have this group of friends who tend to be quite touchy feely, much more so than me personally. They're not bad people, but I've always sort of made my boundaries clear: If I come in for a hug, I want one, but until then, please assume I don't. And this has never been an issue. I used my words, asked for what I needed, and they willingly gave it.

Until now.

Somehow, being pregnant has opened the floodgates of what appears to be their thinly veiled desire to pet me. Every time I hang out with these friends, I have to tell them over and over, please, do not touch my belly. Please, I don't want to be petted and stroked. Please, I do love you, but I need you to keep your hands to yourself. Most of them have been great, but one woman (C, for argument's sake) just wouldn't let up, insisting that she was "only showing some love for [her] pregnant sister" and once again rubbing my belly despite my repeated clear and direct requests that she stopped.

I slapped her hand away.

She was outraged and immediately went into pout and sulk mode. I, on the other hand, think she's being completely unreasonable and childish. I TOLD her multiple times I didn't want to be touched. I TOLD her that I needed her to keep her hands to herself. She CHOSE to ignore those requests. It's my feeling that she deserved what she got (a little slap on the hand).

Our friends are somewhat divided. Some of them agree with me - that C is notorious for not respecting boundaries and they're proud of me for sticking up for myself. Others say "well, C's just like that, there was no call to hit her". Well, to that I say, I was not the one who made the first (clearly unwanted) physical contact. Was I?

For the record, this isn't the first time I've had issues with C. She has similar boundary issues around children "Oh, give Aunty C a hug" (whether the child wants to or not). DS, from the age of about 2-6, was afraid of her - would literally ask me to pick him up rather than face her.

Zuleika I agree with you completely - when I've done this (spread the word) it was to get my own version of events out there rather than the other person get theirs out their alone.

This is what OP has done.

Stormtreader yes I'd guess that was why the message was made public by OP.

OP - hope things get sorted out sounds like one more thing you could do without at this stage in your pregnancy!

Just finished reading the full thread.
I think I'd have done the same. I wasnt keen on folk touching my bump without permission and would likely have reacted the same as you in that situation. Hormones have a lot to answer for!
I think you;ve done the right thing in being totally open with your group of friends and not apologising. You are entitled to your space and to defend it appropriately when pushed beyond your limits.
Also, you're right not to let her in your home (Juju indeed-wtf?) and best to back off to let things cool. Stick to your guns and avoid at all costs.
Lifes too short to bother with folk like her!
As a twin myself, I wish you good health and good luck! we were certainly double trouble!! :)

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. I'm glad the situation has settled down a bit- last thing you need is more stress.

Take care.

Jay glad you are not going to host, a wise decision. I hope it all gets sorted out and if not I hope you can just both be OK in your friendship group without any hassles.

Wow. What a load.

Hi OP. How are things?

You are lucky to have a sister; I don’t have either sister or brother, but have a similar relationship with daughter. She suffers with anxiety and will often want a hug, but on her terms.
I think you and your sister need to give each other some space until you can both talk about it rationally. Don’t distant yourself though, as if your do you will drift apart and that wouldn’t benefit either of you. Query though is she the older sister; sometimes I have observed that they have a drive to be in charge or it may be as simple as she may need the ‘cuddle’.
Either way it was a slap not a punch, kick or other so maybe her pride is hurting and is feeling awe bit rejected. Talk, it is between you and your sister not your friends.

Alsoamum It's not her sister. None of what you wrote applies to this situation

Neem dropping in and out the thread and finaly finished it!

Jay you were totaly right to do what you did and let C know you arent her petting zoo! She is obviously so up her own arse she thinks she is untouchable when it comes to manners and boundaries and of course telling the truth.

Also well done for keeping things in the open and not letting her try to winkle her way round it in private. maybe there have been other occaisions with other friends where she has done this and got away with it and this will let all the friends know that you arent her doormat. Let them know she is a lying and manipulative cow and you are not standing for it.

I wouldnt have her back in my house either, if she cant respect my childs boundaries and is insulting about him on social media, she would be gone, never mind what she does to me. She is an adult time she acted like one not a spoilt brat. What gives her the right to manhandle other people after being told repeatedly not to, and calling a child by her own 'nickname' when told not to as its upsetting the child is plain cruel.

Pictish I dont know what thread you have been reading but my god you really have it in for Jay purely it seems cos she wont be walked all over by some bloody drama queen? Nobody has to put up with unwanted touching, it doesnt have to be the opposite sex, it doesnt have to be sexual, and no matter who they are adult or child they should be able to say NO and thats all there is to it. This is Jays and her sons home, where they should feel safe and happy not waiting for the next touch up by C. C obviously doesnt accept this and will have to take the consequences. A bit of a push/slap on the hand is not going to damage her for life ffs. She didnt hit her with a bloody axe! Sometimes you need to spell things out to people who are too selfish and arrogant to accept "Stop doing that" means exactly that.

Alsoamum

?? Did you rtt? There is no sister, the person didnt want 'a cuddle' you have clearly missed the whole point of the thread.

Sorry for the miss understanding RetroImp, but I thought she was due to the statements:-

". Most of them have been great, but one woman (C, for argument's sake) just wouldn't let up, insisting that she was "only showing some love for [her] pregnant sister" and once again rubbing my belly despite my repeated clear and direct requests that she stopped. “ and
She has similar boundary issues around children "Oh, give Aunty C a hug" (whether the child wants to or not).

I stand corrected lol.

Either way it was a slap not a punch, kick or other so maybe her pride is hurting and is feeling awe bit rejected. They still need to talk; it is between them and not their friends.

Yanbu. C sounds like a bit of a bully. Her 'outrage' over the slap is just her trying to continue bullying you. Well done on defending yourself. It was either that or allow her to make you a victim. Have as little to do with her as you can. Congratulations on the twins!

C made it public by moaning about it and telling lies to their friends.

Jay is just defending herself and 'outing' the lies C told.

I am not touchy-feely either. When I carried my twins I felt like I was being assaulted from the inside and didn't need it from the outside. Perhaps that's a gentler way to explain to your friends why you don't love being belly-groped. Strangers - feel free to call them perverts and/or tell them to fuck right off.

Your Home is your own space, it does not matter what other people say, you only let those you want into your home. Home, where you keep the outside world at bay and relax. Invite those you want in, that's why they have a front and back door, to act as a barrier to keep unwanted peps and things out.

What ever has happened, your home is YOUR SANCTUARY.

P.S. What does 'GASLIGHTING' mean as I have not come across this term before?

So, that's the way C is? That's fine but she still needs to respect people's wishes and if she doesn't they do reserve the right to be annoyed at her. Maybe master the art of sharp tongued put downs instead of slapping her away though, it might be easier for you to defend your right to be left in peace and not petted if your reaction is blunt and unavoidably to the point than may be then being critised for possible in some people's eyes reacting to severely.