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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to smack this intrusive hand away?

392 replies

jayisforjessica · 13/10/2016 00:17

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with twins, and I'm the first to admit it: I'm getting to be a big girl! I do have quite a big round belly.

I have this group of friends who tend to be quite touchy feely, much more so than me personally. They're not bad people, but I've always sort of made my boundaries clear: If I come in for a hug, I want one, but until then, please assume I don't. And this has never been an issue. I used my words, asked for what I needed, and they willingly gave it.

Until now.

Somehow, being pregnant has opened the floodgates of what appears to be their thinly veiled desire to pet me. Every time I hang out with these friends, I have to tell them over and over, please, do not touch my belly. Please, I don't want to be petted and stroked. Please, I do love you, but I need you to keep your hands to yourself. Most of them have been great, but one woman (C, for argument's sake) just wouldn't let up, insisting that she was "only showing some love for [her] pregnant sister" and once again rubbing my belly despite my repeated clear and direct requests that she stopped.

I slapped her hand away.

She was outraged and immediately went into pout and sulk mode. I, on the other hand, think she's being completely unreasonable and childish. I TOLD her multiple times I didn't want to be touched. I TOLD her that I needed her to keep her hands to herself. She CHOSE to ignore those requests. It's my feeling that she deserved what she got (a little slap on the hand).

Our friends are somewhat divided. Some of them agree with me - that C is notorious for not respecting boundaries and they're proud of me for sticking up for myself. Others say "well, C's just like that, there was no call to hit her". Well, to that I say, I was not the one who made the first (clearly unwanted) physical contact. Was I?

For the record, this isn't the first time I've had issues with C. She has similar boundary issues around children "Oh, give Aunty C a hug" (whether the child wants to or not). DS, from the age of about 2-6, was afraid of her - would literally ask me to pick him up rather than face her.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 13/10/2016 10:00

Why do your friends call C your sister? C sounds like a crap friend. I suspect with all her self centred behaviour over the years I'd have dropped her, although with all these references to the sisterhood and C calling herself "auntie" if she isn't it sounds like you live in a commune.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 13/10/2016 10:01

Coco

Original poster
jayisforjessica · 13/10/2016 10:09

Contacted the whole group on facebook (in a chat private to us, but open to all of us. Posted this.

"You all know I'm a reasonable person, but that I've never really been into all the hugs and things. Most of you are fine with that, but C, you really crossed the line (the other day) and it's not okay. I have told you time and time again - as I have told the others - that I don't like to be touched, especially on my belly. I refuse to believe that you are so stubborn or ignorant that you don't understand what it is I'm asking. You are better than that, and I refuse to settle for this nonsense.

To the rest of you, I'm no longer going to entertain any texts or emails scolding me for how I dealt with the situation (the other day). I didn't cause this situation. C did, by deliberately and willfully ignoring my repeated requests to stop touching me, and putting her hands on me without my consent. If C were a man, who were repeatedly stroking my breasts without my consent, would you be telling me "that's just how C is?" Because it's exactly the same situation. There are lines, and C crossed them. I am no longer willing to apologize for defending myself. It is my belly, and my body, and I have the absolute right to decide who touches it - and to defend myself when someone touches me without my permission. Let this be an end to the drama."

I have laid out the situation, I have called everything exactly as it was, and I have made it clear I'm not taking responsibility for this because the blame is squarely on C's shoulders. Depending on the responses I now get, I'll see who is a good friend (will defend me/will not condone C's actions/behavior) vs. who needs to go in the Trash Pile of Former Friends (continues to try to get me to back down/makes excuses for C).

I mean come on, like I said, it's my flipping belly! I get to say who gets to touch it and who doesn't! Right??

OP posts:
Lariflete · 13/10/2016 10:13

That's a fantastic message - well done you!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/10/2016 10:14

You absolutely do! Good message. Hope this sorts it.

sglodion · 13/10/2016 10:16

That is a great response.

Original poster
jayisforjessica · 13/10/2016 10:17

To those asking why we're still friends, well, when the group's been together for fifteen years or so, it's hard to just drop the one. I have always had issues with C, but there are enough of us that it's easy enough to keep on the other side of rooms... until babies/bumps come into play, then she's like a homing missile D:

To those who say I was BU to slap her, I repeat that it wasn't even enough of a slap to make her hand red - it was a swat at most. (I actually agree a full on slap would have been too much, but that's really not what this was. C is being a drama queen). And I would also call your attention to the fact that I was not the first person to display unacceptable physicality - SHE was, when she touched me despite being repeatedly and clearly told not to.

OP posts:
MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 13/10/2016 10:19

Great message. Well done. C sounds hideous.

RattieOfCatan · 13/10/2016 10:19

Good message and good for you for doing it openly, that way they can't do the whole ganging up against you behind your back thing, at least not right now.

You are totally in the right, IMO. She's lucky that her lack of respect for boundaries hasn't caused issues in the past.

Original poster
jayisforjessica · 13/10/2016 10:22

good for you for doing it openly

That's exactly why I did it the way I did. Now everyone has access to the exact same information. No more games of Telephone, no more C spinning the story so she gets to play the poor pout upon victim, no more "Jay's being so mean and unreasonable".

I'm already getting messages saying "whoa, that's not the story I got from C" and replies from my good friends saying "we were there, it went down how Jay says" so it looks like I did exactly the right thing :D

OP posts:
Original poster
jayisforjessica · 13/10/2016 10:23

put upon**

OP posts:
pictish · 13/10/2016 10:24

"I have called everything exactly as it was, and I have made it clear I'm not taking responsibility for this because the blame is squarely on C's shoulders."

Hmm...I'm going to be a lone voice here I know, but I don't think C made you slap her...I think you chose to slap her all on your own.
You are responsible for your own actions and there were other ways of dealing with her behaviour other than hitting her. You could have pushed her hand back and said, "Fuck off touching me!" for example. That would have got the message across just as effectively without actually lashing out. That was your responsibility.

MillionToOneChances · 13/10/2016 10:24

Excellent message, good for you.

HazelBite · 13/10/2016 10:28

I cannot understand the need to touch someones pregnant belly. I have had three pregnancies, all adults now, and no-one dared come anywhere near me-they got the death stare.

I think that its a more recent thing, more people are touchy feely nowadays than they were say 20-30 years ago plus woman used to wear maternity clothing more years ago, whereas now its often a very stretched tee shirt over a bump that makes it look more prominent, perhaps more inviting than a bump hidden by layers of cloth!

mysistersimone · 13/10/2016 10:29

Well done, C has forced it to be like this, she constantly ignored you, and knowing now she's been telling it differently justified it even more.

mycatstares · 13/10/2016 10:29

Well done you! Very well put together message.

Let us know what C says. I hope you get an apology

user1471531273 · 13/10/2016 10:29

I know this is referring to more sinister touching but it's puts an interesting perspective on things....

m.youtube.com/watch?v=fGoWLWS4-kU

Hope the link works. It's a short video about offering a cup of tea. Worth a watch and suitable for work.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 13/10/2016 10:30

Well done for sending that message, looks like you've got some of your friends backing you up already, so hopefully C will respect your boundaries from now on.

BraceletofDoom · 13/10/2016 10:34

But nothing suggests the OP 'lashed out' in anger - she swatted the other person's hand away after repeated verbal warnings the 'friend' chose to ignore.

I did it once to a distant acquaintance (university colleague I knew by sight from another faculty) who saw fit to lunge at my bump in a lift where I was talking to a couple of my students. 'He was one of those damp-handed, jocular men who seemed to find it very disconcerting that I wasn't 'performing' my pregnancy 24/7, and was visibly just getting on with my job until I went on leave -- he was always 'reminding' me of it in meetings, like an attempt to cut me down to size, and advancing on me in corridors, hand out, despite warnings.

I don't feel a moment's compunction about giving him a smack on the back of the knuckles like a toddler reaching for a live wire.

Elroya1 · 13/10/2016 10:36

I think that you are in the right to defend your space, especially since you made it clear before that.

Onenerfwarfrombreakdown · 13/10/2016 10:37

Excellent message OP, I applaud you.

I know we were all smiling at the Donald Trump thing, but it seriously does have parallels, as in it's about seeking consent before touching, and it applies to everyone in every situation, male and female. You've made your boundaries clear before this and she was ignoring them. You have every right to decide who touches you. Flowers

Original poster
jayisforjessica · 13/10/2016 10:38

pictish
You could have pushed her hand back and said, "Fuck off touching me!" for example.

I don't curse, so that wouldn't have worked for me. I'm kind of failing to see why my repeated clear requests aren't enough for this woman - or, indeed, for you. I don't think I should have to shout and shove to get my boundaries respected.

Ordinarily, I would never raise a hand to hit, never raise a foot to kick... but ordinarily, also, I listen when people express their boundaries to me, and expect to have the favor returned. This was obviously not an ordinary situation.

In short, C broke the social contract here. Not me. I'm not perfect, but I never pretended to be. I'm also not the catalyst behind this whole situation. C is.

OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 13/10/2016 10:39

Good for you standing up for yourself - and your DS & future bambino!

TeaPleaseLouise · 13/10/2016 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 13/10/2016 10:42

Look... it's not that I disagree with the OP's anger over this. The bloody woman was told clearly and firmly, yet persisted in trashing OP's boundary. It was wrong of her and I understand that.

But I do not agree that the slap was C's responsibility. That was a choice.

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