AIBU to smack this intrusive hand away?

[jayisforjessica]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with twins, and I'm the first to admit it: I'm getting to be a big girl! I do have quite a big round belly.

I have this group of friends who tend to be quite touchy feely, much more so than me personally. They're not bad people, but I've always sort of made my boundaries clear: If I come in for a hug, I want one, but until then, please assume I don't. And this has never been an issue. I used my words, asked for what I needed, and they willingly gave it.

Until now.

Somehow, being pregnant has opened the floodgates of what appears to be their thinly veiled desire to pet me. Every time I hang out with these friends, I have to tell them over and over, please, do not touch my belly. Please, I don't want to be petted and stroked. Please, I do love you, but I need you to keep your hands to yourself. Most of them have been great, but one woman (C, for argument's sake) just wouldn't let up, insisting that she was "only showing some love for [her] pregnant sister" and once again rubbing my belly despite my repeated clear and direct requests that she stopped.

I slapped her hand away.

She was outraged and immediately went into pout and sulk mode. I, on the other hand, think she's being completely unreasonable and childish. I TOLD her multiple times I didn't want to be touched. I TOLD her that I needed her to keep her hands to herself. She CHOSE to ignore those requests. It's my feeling that she deserved what she got (a little slap on the hand).

Our friends are somewhat divided. Some of them agree with me - that C is notorious for not respecting boundaries and they're proud of me for sticking up for myself. Others say "well, C's just like that, there was no call to hit her". Well, to that I say, I was not the one who made the first (clearly unwanted) physical contact. Was I?

For the record, this isn't the first time I've had issues with C. She has similar boundary issues around children "Oh, give Aunty C a hug" (whether the child wants to or not). DS, from the age of about 2-6, was afraid of her - would literally ask me to pick him up rather than face her.

OP I was just wondering what your other friends have said back to the group post?

pictish, you know that you have been accusing OP of a lot more than Wendying.

SuperFlyHigh that's what I did too! A small group of friends from our uni days but we all get on and on the very rare occasion there has been an issue (twice in 15 years) it's been sorted between the two with the problem without anyone else getting involved. Much easier!

Just read all the thread. Gosh! Jay, congrats on the twins - I really hope all this isn't too upsetting. You're absolutely right that no-one should touch your bump unless invited, but your friends aren't 'bad people' for being touchy-feely. You posted, so we only have your version of events, but sounds a bit like you snapped eventually. Perhaps being very firm 12 years ago with repercussions if C didn't pay attention - although certainly not slapping/hitting/batting whatever (dual standards from someone who has clear boundaries ?) - would have been kinder for your son, or was he afraid of C back then because he picked up on your dislike? Now it sounds like you and C are both in 'pout and sulk' mode. It comes across like you think it's your way or the highway but perhaps you could both agree quietly and privately to be civil and mutually respectful without you airing the whole drama in public, or demanding your friends take sides, for the sake of the whole group. When things quieten down a bit ask yourself if you really can be bothered with all these friends. I also think you should have taken hold of her hands and lifted them away, with a firm look and words. There are lots 'in between the lines' clues in your post that say you and C have never been friends so why prolong the situation?

I was also wondering if you'd had any messages from other people in the group.

Pictish - "wendying" has been objected to as term on here because it's offensive to people called Wendy. Best to think of another term.

OP - I understand your reasons for wanting to exclude C from your next hosting of the group, HOWEVER, I do think this will cause a permanent rift within the group and a lot of even worse feeling than already exists.

In your position, I would actually ask if you could pass on hosting this time around - give it more time and see if everything settles down. Currently feelings are running far too high.
I agree that she shouldn't have asked you for an apology, certainly not without offering one first! - and her failure to accept any fault will rankle - but you WILL be setting yourself up for a fall if you host and refuse to allow her to come.

OP - I think you did right to explain your side of the situation and how it made you feel.
I also think you should expect a rift in your friendship group, those that will pick sides and those who sit on the fence as they don't like conflict.
I agree with previous posters, you should say that currently you feel unable to host event at your house due to the situation with C (you don't feel comfortable with her in you house ATM) and instead of excluding her, could you swap with someone until it is sorted. That way you show you are not closed to her completely, no matter your private thoughts. You don't then immediately concede and you are not excluding her from the group, which will make you look bad.

You should apologise for swatting her hand, but only if she can accept the situation and apologise first for her behaviour. She does sound from your description/her comment to your thread, high maintenance, and self-centred. I think we all know at least one person like that.

C should apologise for persistently touching you, even when asked not to. She has a huge problem respecting boundaries, and seems to feel that she is entitled to touch your tummy as you are pregnant. Well done for smacking her hand away - words weren't sinking in, but the swat did have an effect. You have nothing to apologise for.

Daisies you really can't see what is wrong with sharing a private message? Would you mind if of your private messages were made public/shared with a larger group?

Totally agree with justsmellingthecoffee.

I was just going to say what thumbwitch said, can someone else host and you and C attend. Just avoid each other or have a chatbu phone before hand? To clear the air?

Why is she even your friend? She sounds awful...

I think if you send a private message on a subject which you know is being discussed within the group, you have to accept that the recipient may publish it. You can't force her to keep it secret, and she's entitled to take the view that it is better not to have only part of the story in the open.

So people who are giving out that the op slapped c's hand away because in their opinion she should have just walked away are now berating her for saying she will not invite c into her home? You can't have it everyway!
As for sharing the pm. C is trying to gaslight the op by making out that she is the victim and the op is the big bad wolf. Even the op's friends said that C had spun a different story when the op first posted the story on fb. The op's only way to protect herself is to make sure ALL communication is in the public eye.
Hopefully C will finally learn that if you keep doing something you have been asked not to do there will be consequences! Most people learn that as children.
To be honest C sounds like a complete bully to me, it is her way or the high way albeit hid in 'I'm so cute, you couldn't possibly argue with me' tones.

OK, have read whole thread now. Tbh I would just drop the whole 'group' thing. Only hang out individually with the ones you actually like. We're not 15 anymore! I'm 30 and only hang out with people on an individual basis. It is so. much. easier.

Italian once you put something in writing and send it to someone (whether PM, text, letter, email) you've lost control of it. You should be aware of that before committing anything to writing.
I would only send a PM about certain stuff to friends I am totally sure of - eg something about a sensitive medical issue, or personal details.

In this context C is deliberately using private messaging as she doesn't want the group to know that she was in the wrong. Making the message public to the group ensures that all are aware of what is happening, rather than rumours flying around.

Daisies will all respect that is a very bizarre take on a private message! When one uses any form of private message the person sending is relying on the integrity of the recipient not to make that message public. By doing so the OP is dragging the rest of the group further into her and C's disagreement. I think this is a very unkind and devisive thing to do. I am with the OP on her right to defend her personal space but this action is totally uncalled for.

I suppose I view a PM as I would an email sent from my work email or through the internal mail at work. Both are subject to being read by someone else (it's usually covered by the IT and HR policies at work), so you should be careful what you say. The exception is something clearly marked private and confidential eg from HR or payroll.

If C had genuinely not wanted anyone else in the group to see her message then why didn't she phone the OP and talk to her about wanting an apology? She must have realised that committing it to writing meant it could well be seen by others - how many of us have shown a text or PM to someone else even if we haven't forwarded it?

I have not shown a text or pm to people where there would be any sense that the person sending it would not want me to (to my knowledge). And when one friend tried to show me private messages I am sure I said I felt uncomfortable with it.

Daisies you are perfectly entitled to your opinion but to me there is a huge difference between a work email and a private message.

Re "The exception would be something clearly marked private..." As in a private message?

Why is C asking for an apology any of the business of the rest of the group?

Because C is stirring things up with the group.

Oh and private and confidential is the key in a work situation!

If C wanted to ensure privacy she should have spoken to the OP.

Anyway, I'm wondering what happened next OP?

Why is C asking for an apology any of the business of the rest of the group?

Because C has made it the business of the group by lying to them about what happened.

Zuleka the OP could explain her position to the group without using a private message from C. Don't we tell our kids, two wrongs don't make a right?

Given that C has a history of misrepresenting the facts, I would say it's quite important for OP to get them out there. If she can't share the message, equally she can't tell the group what was in it, and C is free to carry on trying to spread her version and keeping quiet about her own behaviour.

Id guess that the message was made public because without it, C will be messaging people privately insisting that "I tried to mend things between us and stop the drama but OP refused, what else can I do when shes so aggressive to me?"

Hi.

It's been a rough couple of days, for reasons unrelated to this thread! And on top of everything, Jack and Jenny seem to have discovered their legs and are merrily kicking the tar out of me. I'm willing to bet money the one is egging the other on, the little so-and-so's.

I have opted out of hosting weekend after next. As some people have said, best to let the dust settle. As far as "what's happened next", a lot of nothing, really. I know a lot of you think I put that post and the messages on the group thread to stir up more drama, but ZuleikaDobson is one of the only ones who seems to have really understood my motivation there. Someone said "gaslighting" and that's exactly what C does, what she's been trying to do. By putting it in the open, I'm refusing to let it happen. Believe it or not I'm actually trying to AVOID drama. C can't drag this out by misrepresenting the situation or my "reactions" to the group behind my back when everyone has exactly the same information.

Boiling the whole thing down to what it really is, here's what we have. C kept touching me. I asked her not to. She did it anyway. I MADE her stop in a mildly physical way, since she had demonstrated that she ignores my words. She got outraged that I wouldn't just let her keep touching me, blew the whole thing out of proportion, and started talking to our mutual friends behind my back, painting me as the villain. In an attempt to clear my name (and keep it clear), I ensured that all communication was sent to ALL members of the friend group, so that no one could go behind anyone's back (including me) and no one can receive a one-sided, heavily edited version of events.

We take turns hosting. Next weekend just happens to be my turn. If I pass on this turn, it will be a few months before my turn comes around again. Whether I host next weekend or in a few months, C will not be welcome in my house. Those of you telling me I should have walked away instead of swatting her hand away, many of you are the same ones saying I should be the bigger person and let her in my house. To you I say, you can't have it both ways. Either you want me to take my space from her (which involves her not being in my home), or you have to let me defend myself in the best way I can in the moment.

I'm also willing to concede that what happened here is not on par with sexual assault. A couple of people have pointed out that it's a flawed comparison, and frankly, you are right. However, I don't agree that I don't have a right to be upset, disturbed and angry about C's behavior. She may not have actually sexually assaulted me, but at the end of the day, her hands were on my body in a way I did not want and had not consented to - in fact, I had specifically denied her consent. It's not a "pressing charges" level offense, absolutely, but it is a "you can't listen to me so I no longer wish to be around you" offense.

Thank you for the support, those of you who supported me. Those who didn't, well, be assured I did read all the posts and have taken (most) of your words on board. For the record, I'm not looking to pick hand slapping fights with anyone :) This was just me pushed beyond being reasonable.