AIBU to smack this intrusive hand away?

[jayisforjessica]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with twins, and I'm the first to admit it: I'm getting to be a big girl! I do have quite a big round belly.

I have this group of friends who tend to be quite touchy feely, much more so than me personally. They're not bad people, but I've always sort of made my boundaries clear: If I come in for a hug, I want one, but until then, please assume I don't. And this has never been an issue. I used my words, asked for what I needed, and they willingly gave it.

Until now.

Somehow, being pregnant has opened the floodgates of what appears to be their thinly veiled desire to pet me. Every time I hang out with these friends, I have to tell them over and over, please, do not touch my belly. Please, I don't want to be petted and stroked. Please, I do love you, but I need you to keep your hands to yourself. Most of them have been great, but one woman (C, for argument's sake) just wouldn't let up, insisting that she was "only showing some love for [her] pregnant sister" and once again rubbing my belly despite my repeated clear and direct requests that she stopped.

I slapped her hand away.

She was outraged and immediately went into pout and sulk mode. I, on the other hand, think she's being completely unreasonable and childish. I TOLD her multiple times I didn't want to be touched. I TOLD her that I needed her to keep her hands to herself. She CHOSE to ignore those requests. It's my feeling that she deserved what she got (a little slap on the hand).

Our friends are somewhat divided. Some of them agree with me - that C is notorious for not respecting boundaries and they're proud of me for sticking up for myself. Others say "well, C's just like that, there was no call to hit her". Well, to that I say, I was not the one who made the first (clearly unwanted) physical contact. Was I?

For the record, this isn't the first time I've had issues with C. She has similar boundary issues around children "Oh, give Aunty C a hug" (whether the child wants to or not). DS, from the age of about 2-6, was afraid of her - would literally ask me to pick him up rather than face her.

Good for you, I'm really impressed you did that!

Excellent job jay! You have got style

Ok then if you're comfortable with slapping people but not cursing, perhaps, "I have TOLD you not to touch me!" while pushing her hand back would have been sufficient.
She did not make you slap her.

Stroke her belly. See how she likes it.

Brilliant message. Definitely the best way to deal with it so that C doesn't get to moan about how unreasonable you were.

Pictish I disagree. I think the OP was perhaps foolish to use the word slap, and when she has said swat further on that is maybe a clearer description. I'm not convinced words would have stopped C, as words had been said many times and she had not listened. Swatting someone's hand away is not hitting them and this woman clearly didn't listen to words and had to be physically stopped.

I do get it. I know I am coming across as disagreeable and unsupportive here and I apologise for that. I am not trying to be, I promise you.

However, we are all responsible for our own behaviour and my simple point is that the smack was the OP's choice of action. It was not the only thing she could have done.

Maybe there was a perfect way of responding that didn't involve me using force, but I was the one being violated and all I could think was to get her hands off me. I asked and asked not to be touched and this was not respected, so I responded in a way that would make it stop.

Perhaps there was some special way I could have said no without the slap. Maybe if I had said it in Mandarin while holding an umbrella and dancing the foxtrot she would have heard me, but why it is on me to find that perfect response, when she is the one violating my clearly and repeatedly stated boundary!

You could have simply got up and walked away from her saying, "If you persist in touching me, I can't be near you."
That packs as much of a metaphorical punch as an actual one imo.

pictish as jay has made perfectly clear she has asked C to respect her boundaries on numerous occasions. C has had a small swat on the hand and a shock and will hopefully respect other people's right to bodily autonomy in the future!

You could have pushed her hand back and said, "Fuck off touching me!" for example.

I'd be willing to bet it would have created exactly the same drama anyway. I don't think this woman is pouting because of a gentle slap on the hand, she's pouting because she was (quite rightly) 'told off'.

Unlikely. I think C, who obviously has the hide of a rhino, will simply have OP down as a short tempered nightmare.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Great message and well done doing it openly and not getting involved in individual texts, you are absolutely not being unreasonable and C sounds like a pain, "why does she hate me", I couldn't deal with those amateur dramatics

Fil and bil started the striking my belly thing, I was so shocked the first time I let it go, the next time I said something like "It's not a genies lamp, rubbing it won't get you three wishes so you can stop now" with a sort of shocked/disgusted face, they never did it again

I think you were wrong to slap her hand.

I'd have punched in the face and blamed hormones .

I'm joking. Despite being told several times, she continued to invade your personal body space. You did the right thing.

Of course yanbu! Despite repeated requests not to touch you this woman did - what are you meant to do - just sit there and get poked, rubbed etc anytime she feels like it? Dont think so. I cant believe anyone would think yabu and wonder if the people that say "its just her way" and you're wrong for pushing her hand away would say that if it was a man touching you!

I guess we will have to agree to disagree, pictish. I simply am not sorry I did what I did, either for me, my son, or my unborn children. (Boy and girl! Anyone want to know the names we picked out?? haha).

I suspect we would not enjoy each other in real life, and that's okay. No one's ever going to get along with everyone all of the time. Personalities sometimes don't mesh. I'm cool with that.

YANBU. she touched you, she got her hand slapped away. The slap was no more an act of violence thatn the original intrusive touch.
C is not a reasonable person and is pushing boundaries. No reasonable request worked.
Her behaviour afterwards shows her agenda. She's an attention seeker. Not a reasonable person who is affectionate.

Dahlietta I agree. But I maintain a telling off is better than a slapping off. With the slap, OP lost the higher moral ground. That she refuses to take responsibility for her own actions compounds that.

Use your words, not your hands. Vote with your feet, not your hands.

I don't see slapping away of a hand trying to touch you as a big deal. She had had warnings. It sounds like she was playing power games.

"I suspect we would not enjoy each other in real life, and that's okay."

Why do you suspect that? Because I have disagreed with what you did? I don't suspect we wouldn't enjoy each other in real life because I don't agree with you...I think we disagree on this particular point.

You are beginning to seem bloody-minded and self righteous to me.

Pictish it seems like you are being deliberately obtuse. The OP reacted to a physical intrusion in a physical way, and I don't think she should have to apologise for that. I also don't believe she was wrong. I guess I'm not on as high a moral ground as you.

Good for you OP, I think you handled it perfectly. When I was expecting my twins I was less rational. I told the (perfectly nice) husband of a friend that he would 'lose a fucking hand' if he touched me again. So at least you gave fair warning before the 'swat'

I'm not trying to be obtuse. I am simply making the observation that the OP wants to take no responsibility for using her hands when there were other things she could have done that would have had the same impact in putting the pushy bloody woman right.

Am I wrong to say that?

I want to know the names!

I'm not sure why so many posters are fixating on you 'slapping' her when it's been clearly qualified that actually you just swatted her away. In my opinion that's more polite than telling her to fuck off (it would be in my social circle anyway) and I think you handled the situation very well. It's not as if you bitch slapped her with a leather glove, she acted like a naughty child so got treated like one. Good on you.

I think the OP is fully entitled to use her hands to stop a physical intrusion when several verbal requests had been ignored.

Pictish, a person has every right to defend themselves against someone touching them unnecessarily. If someone is touching my child without consent you can be sure my message to them is 'shove them hard away from you and shout loudly'.
I am interested to know why you feel the op should respect someone else more than she respects herself? You earn respect, C has earned none!