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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to smack this intrusive hand away?

392 replies

jayisforjessica · 13/10/2016 00:17

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with twins, and I'm the first to admit it: I'm getting to be a big girl! I do have quite a big round belly.

I have this group of friends who tend to be quite touchy feely, much more so than me personally. They're not bad people, but I've always sort of made my boundaries clear: If I come in for a hug, I want one, but until then, please assume I don't. And this has never been an issue. I used my words, asked for what I needed, and they willingly gave it.

Until now.

Somehow, being pregnant has opened the floodgates of what appears to be their thinly veiled desire to pet me. Every time I hang out with these friends, I have to tell them over and over, please, do not touch my belly. Please, I don't want to be petted and stroked. Please, I do love you, but I need you to keep your hands to yourself. Most of them have been great, but one woman (C, for argument's sake) just wouldn't let up, insisting that she was "only showing some love for [her] pregnant sister" and once again rubbing my belly despite my repeated clear and direct requests that she stopped.

I slapped her hand away.

She was outraged and immediately went into pout and sulk mode. I, on the other hand, think she's being completely unreasonable and childish. I TOLD her multiple times I didn't want to be touched. I TOLD her that I needed her to keep her hands to herself. She CHOSE to ignore those requests. It's my feeling that she deserved what she got (a little slap on the hand).

Our friends are somewhat divided. Some of them agree with me - that C is notorious for not respecting boundaries and they're proud of me for sticking up for myself. Others say "well, C's just like that, there was no call to hit her". Well, to that I say, I was not the one who made the first (clearly unwanted) physical contact. Was I?

For the record, this isn't the first time I've had issues with C. She has similar boundary issues around children "Oh, give Aunty C a hug" (whether the child wants to or not). DS, from the age of about 2-6, was afraid of her - would literally ask me to pick him up rather than face her.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 15/10/2016 10:17

Agree with Dartmoor. There is no doubt that you are owed an apology but I think that welcoming her into your home well and truly shows that you are the bigger person.

Victoria319 · 15/10/2016 10:33

Had similar happen with an ex colleague. She used to come up behind me and stroke my hair. I started off shuddering dramatically, then saying 'ooh I don't like that' and graduated to 'look, please don't touch my hair, I actually really don't like it's
she pouted and sulked and told other colleagues I was horrible and had insulted her. But I stood up for myself. At the end of the day, I'd a member of the opposite sex had been doing that to me it'd likely have been considered sexual harassment, so why did she think it was ok just cos she was female too? She stopped then. Kept her mouth shut too. We never really talked again, if she'd been part of a friendship group it would have been uncomfortable I think, but I'd have done the same thing. It boils down to bodily autonomy. Your body, your choice. And if other women can't understand that the. Maybe they aren't good mates!! Perhaps ask your mates who do understand to stand up for you and speak to those who don't. Don't worry about what C thinks, she's clearly a drama llama and not worth a minute of your time. YANBU!!!

toobloodyhotRedhead · 15/10/2016 10:43

I largely agree with Dartmoor, let the invitation stand so that you are not the one stirring the drama up. You probably won't get your apology and she'll try to be all breezy and "nice" to your face Hmm

But if she touches you without express permission, stand your ground firmly but vocally. "I would have thought by now you'd have got the message. I don't like to be touched. Stop touching me. It's inappropriate and creepy. If you do it again I will ask you to leave my home."

DontMindMe1 · 15/10/2016 11:06

i understand why you need to have the discussion openly OP, including posting her private message public.
People like her tend to twist the story round.

DO NOT invite her to your house. She will trample all over your boundaries in your home too and will probably spend the time making passive aggressive remarks about making sure not to brush/touch/breathe on you. Drama llama's like her need swift consequences.

Original poster
jayisforjessica · 15/10/2016 11:27

I wonder if the people telling me to "be the bigger person" and let the invitation to my home, my safe space, stand if C were a man who were being excluded because of an inability to keep from fondling my breasts.

No, C is no longer welcome at my house. People who can't listen to my "no" don't get to come into my home.

OP posts:
Original poster
jayisforjessica · 15/10/2016 11:29

I wonder if the people telling me to "be the bigger person" and let the invitation to my home, my safe space, stand would still be saying that if C were a man who were being excluded because of an inability to keep from fondling my breasts.

That's what I get for typing in run-on sentences - I leave out bits like the doofus I am :P

OP posts:
Dutch1e · 15/10/2016 12:02

No, C is no longer welcome at my house. People who can't listen to my "no" don't get to come into my home

It's also your son's house and safe space. Your banning of this person is not only right & fair, it's long overdue.

And for what it's worth, i'm in the camp that says "ignore one clear warning about personal space and you get whatever punishment comes your way. If it's only a slap/swat on the hand, cop it sweet and be grateful that's ALL it was." Action, meet consequence

ZuleikaDobson · 15/10/2016 12:13

I strongly suspect she isn't going to come to your house anyway, given that you've made it clear that she isn't getting any apology. The only conceivable way she could do so without losing face would be by saying publicly that she had thought about it, realised she was completely in the wrong, and hopes you will accept her heartfelt apology. But it doesn't sound as if she is capable of doing that.

I take it you don't issue invitations anyway for these get-togethers? I therefore think it would escalate matters totally unnecessarily by publicly announcing that she is not invited. If by any chance she is thick-skinned enough to turn up, you can tell her at that point that she is only welcome if she apologises.

Optimist3 · 15/10/2016 12:25

Don't agree with slapping. Would have been better to just firmly remove her hand.

greeneyedlulu · 15/10/2016 13:02

OMG! drama overload, cut the woman out of your life and move on! you're going to have your hands full with 3 children soon so you have enough childish behaviour to deal with! c is an attention seeking twat and personally I can't stand people like that and won't put up with them at all! and yes your home is your haven so no one who makes you uncomfortable is welcome!!

pictish · 15/10/2016 13:06

You don't like C do you OP, and never have.

OurBlanche · 15/10/2016 13:10

Does that make any difference, pictish? Cs actions would be equally slappable if they had been BFFs!

Italiangreyhound · 15/10/2016 13:19

It is your house and your choice who comes in BUT I think you are escalating this by not inviting her.

I think you are wrong to post a private message to a joint group. Despite your reasons for doing this. You say you don't like the drama but posting her private message seems just like continuing the drama, IMHO.

Of course it is your body and your autonomy and she should not touch you. But she is not a man trying touch your breasts and I think there is a difference and the comparison is rather insulting to women who have been groped by men.

I wonder if this could have been handled better but it seems clear you did not like her much so maybe the friendship ending is for the best for both of you.

greeneyedlulu · 15/10/2016 13:24

pictish - you really are like a dog with a bone on this one aren't you?? of course people won't always agree but you seem to be just fanning the flames here

pictish · 15/10/2016 13:33

ourblanche I doubt that.

pictish · 15/10/2016 13:35

I agree Italian

pictish · 15/10/2016 13:38

And I say that as someone who has been a victim of both sexual assault and over zealous bump touchers.

What a lot of self-important drama over nowt.

Notmuchtosay1 · 15/10/2016 13:48

I am not a hugging sort of person either. I would never attempt to touch anyone else's bump. No one ever tried to touch mine either. Apart from my kids and OH of course.
But I suppose everyone is different. I'd hate it if someone tried to touch me when I was pregnant though.

JunosRevenge · 15/10/2016 14:08

Who made you the queen of MN, Pictish?

Biscuit
JunosRevenge · 15/10/2016 14:10

No, C is no longer welcome at my house. People who can't listen to my "no" don't get to come into my home^

It's also your son's house and safe space. Your banning of this person is not only right & fair, it's long overdue.

And for what it's worth, i'm in the camp that says "ignore one clear warning about personal space and you get whatever punishment comes your way. If it's only a slap/swat on the hand, cop it sweet and be grateful that's ALL it was." Action, meet consequence^

This. All of it.

RoseGoldHippie · 15/10/2016 14:15

What is the need for people to constantly touch other people? Keep your fucking hands to yourself! If you want to pet something get a dog!

You are being VVVVVV reasonable OP

RoseGoldHippie · 15/10/2016 14:16

Sorry didn't RTFT so wasn't aiming that at anyone if opposite view has been raised Blush

Haffdonga · 15/10/2016 14:16

She meant no harm but crossed a line. You meant no harm but also crossed a line. Now you are splitting the friendship group and trying to alienate the others from her.

You're Wendying. glad you're not my friend

Why not just try to be the bigger person and just ask her to agree to disagree and put bygones behind you?

ElspethFlashman · 15/10/2016 14:22

I think there's two Drama Llamas here, tbh......

RoseGoldHippie · 15/10/2016 14:22

Sorry read some more now, OP you were not unreasonable about the slapping but you are about the posting of the private message into a group forum. That's quite a mean girl thing to do and will probably alienate you from the rest of the group. I wouldn't message you in private ever again regarding anything by fear of it being shared like that!

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