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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to smack this intrusive hand away?

392 replies

jayisforjessica · 13/10/2016 00:17

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with twins, and I'm the first to admit it: I'm getting to be a big girl! I do have quite a big round belly.

I have this group of friends who tend to be quite touchy feely, much more so than me personally. They're not bad people, but I've always sort of made my boundaries clear: If I come in for a hug, I want one, but until then, please assume I don't. And this has never been an issue. I used my words, asked for what I needed, and they willingly gave it.

Until now.

Somehow, being pregnant has opened the floodgates of what appears to be their thinly veiled desire to pet me. Every time I hang out with these friends, I have to tell them over and over, please, do not touch my belly. Please, I don't want to be petted and stroked. Please, I do love you, but I need you to keep your hands to yourself. Most of them have been great, but one woman (C, for argument's sake) just wouldn't let up, insisting that she was "only showing some love for [her] pregnant sister" and once again rubbing my belly despite my repeated clear and direct requests that she stopped.

I slapped her hand away.

She was outraged and immediately went into pout and sulk mode. I, on the other hand, think she's being completely unreasonable and childish. I TOLD her multiple times I didn't want to be touched. I TOLD her that I needed her to keep her hands to herself. She CHOSE to ignore those requests. It's my feeling that she deserved what she got (a little slap on the hand).

Our friends are somewhat divided. Some of them agree with me - that C is notorious for not respecting boundaries and they're proud of me for sticking up for myself. Others say "well, C's just like that, there was no call to hit her". Well, to that I say, I was not the one who made the first (clearly unwanted) physical contact. Was I?

For the record, this isn't the first time I've had issues with C. She has similar boundary issues around children "Oh, give Aunty C a hug" (whether the child wants to or not). DS, from the age of about 2-6, was afraid of her - would literally ask me to pick him up rather than face her.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 14/10/2016 21:14

Fucking hell, just seen the update about the apology Shock

She really is a special kind of special makes 2 short planks look like Einstein isn't she?

Littlegreyauditor · 14/10/2016 21:56

I think you have been remarkably restrained OP because I think I would have put her on her arse along with a very loud "stop touching me". No one (apart from HCPs and DH) touched either of my bumps. I actually had one woman run at me, hands out, in a supermarket, catch a glimpse of my face, stumble to a halt, go a bit pale and slowly drop her hands to her sides. I give good death stare. If I'd had to repeatedly ask someone to cease and desist I would consider her fair game.

I do like your style with the Facebook group. Efficient, factual, elegant.

As for her demanding an apology? Ha. Just Ha.

MartinaMartini · 14/10/2016 22:05

You sound like you've got issues...what will you do when the old folk in town coo over your baby...punch them in the face!

You're way out of order.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 14/10/2016 22:06

What a twat.

You could do that non apology thing "I am sorry you have no boundaries and respect for other people's bodies" Grin

I'd be getting really annoyed and the stage where I'd be struggling not to message "just piss off C, you are making a fool of yourself now" then delete her.

RetroImp · 14/10/2016 22:12

MartinaMartini Are you C by any chance...? If not, you have zero understanding of personal boundaries.

notrocketscience · 14/10/2016 22:28

Jay, I love your assertiveness, your eloquence and your smartness. Love how you outwitted C and handled the facebook group. You rock girl and what a fantastic role model for little Jenny. Ignore the detractors who always appear on every thread and just like to s**t stir.

romanrainsalot · 14/10/2016 22:30

YANBU! Swat that Drama Llama!

Tell her you are sorry...sorry that she is so clueless.

You made it very clear you didn't want to be touched. Most normal people would never dream of touching someone, even a friend in that way, especially not without being invited e.g. "baby is kicking, here do you want to feel it?".

JolieColombe · 14/10/2016 23:15

Good grief, does C think she's still in high school?

And to the earlier PPs suggesting theOP should have got up and walked away - she's pregnant with twins! Why the fuck should she have to?!** And more to the point, given that C takes no notice of outright requests not to touch, what makes you think this would have made any difference? Or should the OP have to get up (with increasing difficulty) every single time this person moves in?

ChequeOff · 14/10/2016 23:26

No-one - and this includes those saying YABU - have intimated that the OP was wrong to feel upset about being touched on the belly against her will. NOBODY has said this.

The issue that some of us, including myself, have had is with the tone of the OP and subsequent posts. Which have nuances of a superior and sanctimonious attitude towards "C" and her "friends". If you care to read between the lines then perhaps you'll see them perhaps not.

ChequeOff · 14/10/2016 23:30

Argh! Excuse typos. I'm on my phin

KanyePest · 14/10/2016 23:43

YANBU. I actually really admire how you've handled this jayisforjessica

lol @ "nuances of a superior and sanctimonious attitude" towards Aunty Cunt.

Flyingbellycopters · 14/10/2016 23:51

Jay you have to keep us updated on next instalment of what aunty C says to your group chat message.

We also want to know about birth and expect you back here in 20 weeks to tell us what you had and how the twins are. Congratulations by the way. Can I touch your belly?😉

ZuleikaDobson · 14/10/2016 23:56

I don't discern any of the nuances you claim, Cheque. I suspect you may be influenced by your own issues.

NaomiCole · 14/10/2016 23:58

Jay, you're awesome :-) RTWT and enjoyed your updates muchly :-) hang in there - she's a loon!

ChequeOff · 15/10/2016 00:12

The thread is too long now. Mob mentality rules. Yay!

KanyePest · 15/10/2016 00:21

There have been like 4 posts since yours. How is the thread suddenly too long?

Mob mentality my ass.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/10/2016 05:32

Your friend was clearly wrong to touch and try to touch you. Even though she has complained to the whole group and got others to complain on her behalf, I don't agree with doing a group FB message. You sounded really angry in your message and said way too much. I do understand the anger especially in relation to your son. I think you're playing a dangerous game reposting her message to the whole group as you are now behaving in exactly the same way as her. When you do that, you lose the moral high ground. As I said in my previous message, my feeling is that as you will not be around much after birth, just make sure you're not dividing the group, disappearing only to discover the group has reconciled and you're no longer welcome.

Paris7 · 15/10/2016 05:59

"C" sounds like Donald Trump to me.

ZuleikaDobson · 15/10/2016 08:05

The thread's too long? You have a lot to learn if you think that a thread with only 265 messages prevents people from expressing differing opinions. Have a look around MN if you don't believe me.

HardcoreLadyType · 15/10/2016 08:18

I think, in light of your friend's message, you should apologise to her for hitting her hand away, and ask, in return, for an apology from her for continuing to touch your belly when you had repeatedly asked her to stop.

Otherwise, you end up with a Mexican standoff, where no one is willing to apologise for their part in the drama, so it doesn't get resolved.

FWIW, I think it is unlikely that she will apologise, or even see the need to. But I don't think her probable bad behaviour is any excuse for you not to apologise for your, admittedly much smaller, wrongdoing. And she might surprise you.

Shona52 · 15/10/2016 08:54

Your body your rules. Doesn't matter if people like/dislike it they have to respect you and what you want.

Italiangreyhound · 15/10/2016 09:13

Jay did you post a private message to a shared thread? If so. I don't think that was a fair thing to do.

Your 'friend'was wrong to keep touching you. You were not wrong to swipe her hand away. But if she private messages you, you should have replied privately. IMHO sharing a private message like this is very unfair. It should be between the two of you.

Original poster
jayisforjessica · 15/10/2016 09:20

Italiangreyhound By keeping it "just between the two of us" I allow the nonsense to continue. Now, if said message had been a confidence, her telling me something private that she didn't want people to know, absolutely I would have been wrong to share it. But that's not what happened here. This was her attempting to continue the drama by private messaging me and acting as if I was the one in the wrong.

I am done with her drama. I put it in the shared thread so that everything pertaining to this situation is all together and out in the open with all our friends. Now no one can go talking to others wondering what really happened, spreading rumors and mixed messages. That was the point of the shared thread.

It's my turn to host us, not this weekend but the weekend after. I'm seriously thinking about saying not only will I not apologize for defending my boundaries, but unless SHE apologizes for crossing the line, she is not welcome in my house... WDYT?

OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 15/10/2016 09:22

Personally I think that escalates it to a proper drama rather than a standing your ground situation.

A decent person would apologise when they arrived and wouldn't touch you. If she oversteps boundaries again ask her to leave.

pictish · 15/10/2016 09:44

"I didn't directly reply. I copied and pasted it to the group chat along with "C is still refusing to acknowledge that what she did was wrong.""

Did you? You copied and pasted her private message to you, to the group chat? Good grief!

Did it achieve the desired effect of having everyone take your side against her, or has it it made you seem bloody-minded, petty and a shit stirrer?