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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to smack this intrusive hand away?

392 replies

jayisforjessica · 13/10/2016 00:17

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with twins, and I'm the first to admit it: I'm getting to be a big girl! I do have quite a big round belly.

I have this group of friends who tend to be quite touchy feely, much more so than me personally. They're not bad people, but I've always sort of made my boundaries clear: If I come in for a hug, I want one, but until then, please assume I don't. And this has never been an issue. I used my words, asked for what I needed, and they willingly gave it.

Until now.

Somehow, being pregnant has opened the floodgates of what appears to be their thinly veiled desire to pet me. Every time I hang out with these friends, I have to tell them over and over, please, do not touch my belly. Please, I don't want to be petted and stroked. Please, I do love you, but I need you to keep your hands to yourself. Most of them have been great, but one woman (C, for argument's sake) just wouldn't let up, insisting that she was "only showing some love for [her] pregnant sister" and once again rubbing my belly despite my repeated clear and direct requests that she stopped.

I slapped her hand away.

She was outraged and immediately went into pout and sulk mode. I, on the other hand, think she's being completely unreasonable and childish. I TOLD her multiple times I didn't want to be touched. I TOLD her that I needed her to keep her hands to herself. She CHOSE to ignore those requests. It's my feeling that she deserved what she got (a little slap on the hand).

Our friends are somewhat divided. Some of them agree with me - that C is notorious for not respecting boundaries and they're proud of me for sticking up for myself. Others say "well, C's just like that, there was no call to hit her". Well, to that I say, I was not the one who made the first (clearly unwanted) physical contact. Was I?

For the record, this isn't the first time I've had issues with C. She has similar boundary issues around children "Oh, give Aunty C a hug" (whether the child wants to or not). DS, from the age of about 2-6, was afraid of her - would literally ask me to pick him up rather than face her.

OP posts:
Original poster
jayisforjessica · 15/10/2016 14:23

What's Wendying? I haven't been here long enough to pick up on all the terms, sorry.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 15/10/2016 14:24

And please stop with the "breast fondling" stuff.

Stop equating it to sexual abuse, it's clueless.

ElspethFlashman · 15/10/2016 14:26

Agree on the uncomfortable Wendy aspect.

RoseGoldHippie · 15/10/2016 14:28

Please someone explain what wendying is!!!!

Haffdonga · 15/10/2016 14:32

A wendy is someone who claims a friendship group as 'her own' and gradually manages to alienate the group from the poor friend who originally introduced her to the group in the first place.

We don't know who is the newer group member here Jessica , but your behaviour in trying to get all the friends 'on your side' by passing on private messages is just nasty. Why do you need them on your side? Why not just let them carry on being both of your friends?

pictish · 15/10/2016 14:33

Absolutely Haff.
OP does not like C and that's what this is fundamentally all about.

Good luck with ostracising C and her inferior daughter from the group OP, you delightful gem of a woman.

RoseGoldHippie · 15/10/2016 14:33

Haff - thank you :) I agree this does very much feel like that!

pictish · 15/10/2016 14:39

And so many people here egging her on too. Ffs.

OurBlanche · 15/10/2016 15:05

Yeah! What nasty bitches we are, telling her she has every right not to enjoy being petted... or to keep her own home free of people who upset her and her son!

We really should remember that we absolutely must allow anyone to take any liberties and just put up with it! Repeat after me: I Must Be One of Life's Doormats....

Sunshineonacloudyday · 15/10/2016 15:07

Its her body and I do stand by what I said in earlier posts. I think the op should have left it at that people in the group understood what had happened and sympathised. There is nothing wrong with what you had done up to that point. I think sending the second message is what school kids in a playground would do. I think you may look childish now.

pictish · 15/10/2016 15:11

Oh do pipe down Blanche.
Everyone agreed that C had no business touching OP's bump.

Beyond that, OP's conduct has been aggressive, childish and thoroughly bloody manipulative.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 15/10/2016 15:12

I must be one of life's doormats
I must be one of life's doormats

Totally agree Blanche some people are to invested in this why should it bother you so much who she has in her house. The op has no control who is in or out of the group she has already posted that the group is big no need for to much contact.

OurBlanche · 15/10/2016 15:13

Or

Beyond that, C's conduct has been aggressive, childish and thoroughly bloody manipulative.

Cuts both ways! I still can't work out where you found so many lines to read between Smile

pictish · 15/10/2016 15:31

Slapping C away in the first place tells you that OP isn't her biggest fan in the first place. She could have dealt with it easily without lifting her hands. C has never been her friend. C is a friend to others whom OP does like.

OP's comment later in the thread comparing C's daughter very unfavorably to her own son, further compounds her fundamental contempt for C in general. It was a revolting post.

Putting C's private message on the group chat solidifies her unpleasantness and manipulation surrounding C's connections to the group and OP's desire to see others hopefully take her side and fall out with C too. As though they were all 11 years old.

Planning a group night excluding C from attending signs her off as a self-important and destructive element of the group dynamic, of which C is currently still a part. But not for too much longer if OP has her way. Eh OP? You'd chase her off as soon as look at her wouldn't you?

C touched OP's bump when she shouldn't have...on that we are all agreed. As for the rest of it, OP's conduct is outrageous.

pictish · 15/10/2016 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pictish · 15/10/2016 15:38

And as asides, all this comparing what C did to sexual assault is frankly pathetic. Grow up.

ayeokthen · 15/10/2016 15:42

Sharing a private (the clue is in the title) message is snide and quite unpleasant. As I said in a PP, she was out of line to touch you when you'd repeatedly asked her not to, I felt you were reasonable to swat her hand away.
What you're doing now is just nasty, keep it between the two of you, there is no need to try and ostracise this woman from your group of friends just because you don't like her.

OurBlanche · 15/10/2016 15:43

Go on then!

Slapping C away in the first place tells you that OP isn't her biggest fan in the first place. She could have dealt with it easily without lifting her hands. C has never been her friend. C is a friend to others whom OP does like. C could have stopped pawing OP when asked the 1st, 2nd 3rd time. She could simply have accepted that she had no right to continue touching someone who told her to stop. C has never like OP, enjoyed winding her up and then lied to their mutual friends so OP sounded deluded and poor little C sounded like the victim

OP's comment later in the thread comparing C's daughter very unfavorably to her own son, further compounds her fundamental contempt for C in general. It was a revolting post. Didn't you forget the bit where C also ignored OPs DCs boundaries? Bit too selective there, pictish!

Putting C's private message on the group chat solidifies her unpleasantness and manipulation surrounding C's connections to the group and OP's desire to see others hopefully take her side and fall out with C too. As though they were all 11 years old. Yeah, cos letting C lie without challenging her was always going to eb the only equitable way to resolve this sort of behaviour!

Planning a group night excluding C from attending signs her off as a self-important and destructive element of the group dynamic, of which C is currently still a part. But C has contributed to this by her own actions and lies. Why does OP have allow C into her own home? As you have said, Op does not like C. She does not have to!

But not for too much longer if OP has her way. Eh OP? You'd chase her off as soon as look at her wouldn't you? More of those lines that only you seem to have read!

C touched OP's bump when she shouldn't have...on that we are all agreed. As for the rest of it, OP's conduct is outrageous. Maybe... but you have glossed over/eradicated Cs outrageous behaviour. Why should anyone have to put up with someone they don't like? For the good of the group? No... that won't wash either. You suggest the other group members are lemmings - which was OK when C was lying but somehow is not when OP points that out!

Double standards pictish! Buck up Smile

SuperFlyHigh · 15/10/2016 15:44

To be quite honest a few years ago when as part of a wider friendship group someone refused to meet up with me for money I owed her, messed me around re this money (eg no bank details so i could transfer etc) and basically bad mouthing of me by friend, then I did group email the group so they knew the score.

Same when another friend accused me (I wasn't!) of flirting with her boyfriend when a group of us were invited round to stay with her for a get together. Then threw her toys out of the pram because I wouldn't go to her birthday picnic.

These friends were part of a meet up group but had I not explained to the other mutual friends then they'd not have known!

I wouldn't say this now publicallly though would explain in person. Some people really do make you angry though and say things as they are.

I think you're doing the right thing op not inviting her round and I'd try to avoid where possible seeing her again. Civility then if you have to meet.

WindInThePussyWillows · 15/10/2016 15:44

Fuck her - I would have snapped it off!
I have 6 month twins and HATED people touching me at all when I was pregnant, maybe it's a multiple things.

Congratulations though, all the awkward touching will be well worth it in the end I promise you that!!

FlowersStar

OurBlanche · 15/10/2016 15:45

Read one You recognise a Wendy when you read one Grin

SuperFlyHigh · 15/10/2016 15:46

ayeokthen the private shared message may be snide and unpleasant but OP knows this woman. Some people do not back down when spoken to on a 1-1 basis and even twist their words to suit... So I get why op group messaged her friends.

SuperFlyHigh · 15/10/2016 15:47

Ps. Eeeeee twins! Congrats! envious much Flowers

bloodymaria · 15/10/2016 15:50

Is pictish C?

ayeokthen · 15/10/2016 15:52

I'm not defending C SuperFlyHigh she sounds awful. But the whole group email/sharing of private messages smacks of schoolyard bullying to me. I'd rather just be direct in conversation and do things that way.