Hi,
I want to accept the job. I am sorry if this makes me selfish, but I've been reliant on a man for all of my adult life and have been shafted financially; have another 25 years of work ahead of me and am ambitious and want to be able to provide financial security for my daughters. I also think it is the right message to send my daughters - that it is ok for a woman to strive for a career, and that it is still possible to balance and retain a strong, loving family.
My ex DP does not work. He is the son of a rich family, his mortgage is all but paid off for him. His house is like a pig-sty, he suffers from depression and anxiety, has told me on multiple occasions that he cannot cope with the kids and has been very clear that he would not want sole custody of the girls if I were to move away. Which is good for me, because I don't want to let them go.
I don't see why my career choices should be limited because I am obligated to stay close by for the kids to maintain a relationship with him. He could easily find a job, consolidate his assets and move closer to me if he was keen to maintain the relationship with his children. He won't, because, frankly, he is incapable of getting a job.
Yes I could settle for my perfectly respectable job where I am. But it has no prospects. I don't feel I should make an apology for wanting to move forward in my career. My daughters are 8 and 10, they're not babies anymore. I wasn't looking to move on purpose - I was idly browsing job opportunities to see how I might make the next move forward; I saw my 'dream job' advertised and thought I would throw my hat in the ring. I didn't think for one moment I would be successful. For me, it's a real step up from essentially a glorified administrator to a proper, professional position in a sector I'm passionate about in an area of expertise I've been training in (part time, self-funded) for the last three years. I've had huge insecurities about my abilites, and now, someone believes in me and my ability to do a job which I think I would love.
It's also not a job in the City either - I'm not going to be the next Nicola Horlick. It's for a non-profit/charity, everyone seems really nice and the Chief Exec has a vague idea about my situation and is cognisant of the fact that this is a massive decision for me.
I have tonight sent ex DP a proposal about the way forward. We met in the pub this afternoon and began talking through the practicalities. He wants me to take the job but doesn't want to lose the contact with the girls. However, he said again that he couldn't cope with them on a day-to-day basis either. From my point of view, if I take the job, he will be living in a fully-funded, 3 bed semi in the leafiest, most well-to-do part of town with a mortgage as big as some people's car loans. He doesn't have to work to have this. He will continue to live in it, and all the mess and squalor within, yet the girls won't be with him full time. Meanwhile, I'll be down South, will be hard pushed financially, will have the majority of the childcare and will be restricted to renting as I can't raise enough funds to buy. Maybe that is my choice. But I am thinking about where I want to be in 5 years time, and it sure as hell isn't here, doing the same job, in the same rented house as he refuses to give me any financial settlement from our 15 years together. I am fed up of my life being dictated by him.
In terms of access: I have proposed he sees the girls every other weekend. I drive them to him for one (then stay with my mum) and he comes south for the other. He can stay in my house, so no expense for him, and I will vacate. I have proposed he has them every half term and through school holidays. He doesn't have to - I''m just saying he can have that time if he wants. And if he decided to move down South too, we could continue to co-parent as we have in the North.
Unfortunately, my mum has told me she can't/won't move. As much as she would want to, it's not financially viable - she simply couldn't afford to buy at Oxfordshire prices. And she's ruled out living with us in a 3 bed house - she wants her own space. I completely understand.
I appreciate the comments about the challenges of making friends as a single mum. I don't have any idyllic notions of it all - I do find the girls hard work at times. But as far as social life goes, I am a runner, I train for triathlon. And this is something we do as a family. They're used to coming to training sessions with me - the lure of the ipad and the chance to go and buy themselves a hot chocolate from the cafe as I do a run session seems to work for us. We do Parkrun - they either watch, or take part. They came with me to a duathlon last weekend - they helped with timings or sat in the car - it was a looped course and everytime I ran or cycled past they cheered me on, and I checked they were ok. So I am learning I can continue to train, which brings its own social life, and they can be included in that.
I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff and I am making this decision alone. I don't know if it's the right one. It is a huge responsibility. But for once, I feel in control. My daughters are my absolute priority, but I also need to think about where we'll all be in ten years time.
Sorry if this is all a bit of a diatribe, but writing it down is quite cathartic. On Monday I have to make a decision one way or another. There are challenges whichever choice I make, but I feel quite strongly that it's important to move forward in life.