AIBU as a single mum to consider uprooting my DDs and relocating to the other end of the country for a bloody good job

[thisgirlruns]

DDs are Y6 and Y4
Have lived in the same area all their lives.. currently have amicable, shared care with ex DP who lives less than a mile away
He does all school pickups (works from home), I work full-time
We split up nearly two years ago, I am looking to change jobs and want to progress my career particularly due to the financial situation I have been left in (unmarried!) I want to be able afford holidays with my children every now and again, to be able to afford my own home etc.
This new job is in the right sector for me, in the part of the world I have always longed to be in. A big step up career wise and, had I no ties, I wouldn't think twice.
Limited opportunities where I am now. Cost of living for new job higher South East) but otherwise it would be a great move.
ExDP said tonight if I decided to take it I would have to take the girls (my preference anyway) as he couldn't cope with them full time
I am feeling incredibly selfish and guilty at the prospect of taking them away, but the thought of living my life out where I am is really hard.
ExDP said he might consider moving further south, but obviously I couldn't bank on it..
Would involve school change of course, and DD1 in final year of primary school. Can't even get my head around practicalities - what do single working parents do for the 3:30-5:30 slot??
Please help....

It's after tax. Yes, the point is the job opens up much wider opportunities for me, both in terms of the sector and working at a more senior level.

The opportunities in my current area are far more limited (North East) and jobs would likely require a move anyway - in my immediate location I believe I am working for the best employer I can. There is nowhere left for me to go in my current organisation, I am finishing up on a big project which won't be repeated and am already bored.

I can't place a value on the cost of separating the kids from their dad. But I also think I have been selfless in staying in my current town whilst the kids were small (it wasn't my choice to be based here) and now I want to make some positive life choices. It feels selfish in some ways. But staying in the same job for the next ten years to provide security for the kids also feels unacceptable.

How do you plan to facilitate contact?

Will there be the opportunity of other jobs in the sector not so far away? So rather than NE to SE, perhaps, North, Midlands? I don't envy you this situation as it is incredibly difficult.

I would go, you're bored now and its much easier to move before the children start secondary school. The fact that you're ex is okay about you going makes a big difference too - he may feel differently in a few years time.

If you live either near Heathrow or on the train line that goes into Kings Cross it'll make travelling up easier so that they can still see their dad on a regular basis.

Children adapt quickly.

Who are the children that adapt quickly to their dad being deleted from their lives apart from a few odd holidays?

Do they adapt or just learn to hide their pain from adults who want to say they made the best choice for everyone. When really it was for themselves.

I don't even know how you can contemplate moving your children that far from their father. If it was really necessary, it'd be something to consider, but you have a house and a job and a life in your current location. Fathers are absolutely essential to their kids, they're not something optional to have in the holidays. This would utterly change the relationship they have with their dad. It's very difficult for you, but being a good parent means putting them first.

I would go. Having moved a lot as a child, I think during or end of primary are the best points. So painful once at secondary (IME). Plus you've got support from their father. They're old enough to cope with longer times away from him and making up for it in hols. I'm not one for moving around without thought to kids, and I have put opportunities on hold because of this, but it sounds like you've thought this out and it would be a great next step for your career.

Have you asked kids what they think, got them involved in researching houses, schools?

I can't believe people think you should never be able to move your children away from a father who is unwilling to be their primary carer.

So because you are a mother, a man gets to decide where you must live.

There are men up and down the country, many still married to their children's mother, who only see their children at weekends and live miles from them, even in different countries, for "career reasons".

But a woman is not allowed to choose to create a more stable financial situation for her children by doing the same because the father can opt out of full time parenting, but still his choices must dictate hers.

I think you would be crazy to allow your life, your career, your longterm financial prospects to be limited by a man who us only intetested in part time parenting.

I agree DoinItFine. I think this is a good time to move in terms of school age - it's just about whether the finances work and if the OP can get her eldest into a decent secondary school given she's probably going to miss the cut off for place of residence for Sept 2017.

Your career is important and so is job satisfaction. You are a person too not some mindless drone called 'mum' and nothing more. I wonder if the people saying 'don't go' understand about having a career that is important to them.

You aren't getting that much support from your ex (I don't think a few hours a day sounds like a lot) and soon your older one would probably far rather hang at a friends house for a few hours.

Also, you can't predict the future and your ex could move away and then you'd surely feel resentful that you chose to stay for his sake.

I've not read all the thread, but I think:
(1) If there are lots of options in the SE for you, then these options will probably come again, so I'm not sure why you have to do it now?
(2) I'd look to move, but it would be easier for your older daughter if you move when she transitions to secondary, which is when everyone transitions anyway, if that was an option?
(3) I don't know what the secondary school application windows are, but you need to find that out asap, assuming they haven't closed, and then try and apply within it, so that your older daughter has a secondary school place of your choice - this may then impact where you rent. Otherwise you probably have a wider search area to see where you can be considered now at this stage. Presumably you will be renting when you move so that gives you quite a wide range.
(4) Could your ex not then do a lot more for the next 5 months or whatever it would be, between you taking up a new job (with what, a three month notice period at your current job?) and this year of school ending - it ends in July. In reality this isn't that long?
(5) It sounded to me that Ex might move too, if you were encouraging. Not that you should base your decision on that.
Good luck!

I agree with doinit - your decision should be based on what is best for you and your children, and there is no reason why a substantial part of that can't be your need for a stable, secure, well-paid career. As I said upthread, I know a lot of involved single fathers who do "school holiday" visiting (in fact, I know one guy who moved to the other side of the Atlantic because he wanted to - funnily enough, no-one seemed to be saying "you must stay close by" - that only gets said to women, in my experience). I have another friend whose ex wife moved back to another European country post split - again, he manages to be an involved parent via visits in the school holidays. It's not impossible.

Do it. A friend of mine did similar, although only 3 hours away. On contact weekends she used to drive and meet her ex halfway. She always felt slightly guilty, but she was moving back to her home area and had support there.

If it helps I also think badly of dads who move far away from their children. I also think the person doing the moving should use their time and money to sort out contact.

I know one guy who moved to the other side of the Atlantic because he wanted to
I've known men do it, too, and I've also felt they should put the children first. Sadly, they haven't, but that doesn't make it the right thing.

I think for the OP, the right thing to do is to take the job, we'd all agree on that. But it may not be right for the children, when they are still at an age where they're more attached to their parents than their friends. I just feel very sad for them.

I have to agree that it seems very unfair on the op to have to stay out somewhere she doesn't like with a man who no longer wants to be in a relationship with her because she can't take the kids away from their father. He could presumably move nearer to them if he wished to? It's a very difficult decision for the op and she does of course need to consider the dc, but what the father does or doesn't do is out of her control. He said he doesn't want to/can't look after them full time so he can't be the main reason for staying out imo. It sounds like you're unhappy where you are so I would be tempted to move. Childcare costs will reduce as kids get older. Maybe speak to the dc and see how they would feel about only seeing dad in the holidays.

Out = put. Thanks autocorrect!

It's not all "for a career change".

It's so that the girls might live a more secure life in a country thst is dismantling its welfare state day by day.

They only have one parent willing to be a proper parent, so for their kives to be made more precarious and their opportunities in life to be limited just do they can luve bear that inadequate parent is just not at all putting their interests first.

Sometimes the deification of absolutely shite Dads and the harm done to women and children to make sure their lives are totalky orrfect is just insane.

He doesn't want to be a proper parent.

That makes him a shoddy father and not someone a family should be planning the rest of their lives around.

Putting your children does equal making sure they grow up learning that women should never have any ambition and should stay living in the back of beyond near hobby fathers who won't take care of their own childremln.

Nope I wouldn’t move ds away from his dad. And I would be horrified if he suggested moving ds away from me. If you're in s secure job I'd wait for something closer to home.