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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU as a single mum to consider uprooting my DDs and relocating to the other end of the country for a bloody good job

184 replies

thisgirlruns · 13/10/2016 00:00

DDs are Y6 and Y4
Have lived in the same area all their lives.. currently have amicable, shared care with ex DP who lives less than a mile away
He does all school pickups (works from home), I work full-time
We split up nearly two years ago, I am looking to change jobs and want to progress my career particularly due to the financial situation I have been left in (unmarried!) I want to be able afford holidays with my children every now and again, to be able to afford my own home etc.
This new job is in the right sector for me, in the part of the world I have always longed to be in. A big step up career wise and, had I no ties, I wouldn't think twice.
Limited opportunities where I am now. Cost of living for new job higher South East) but otherwise it would be a great move.
ExDP said tonight if I decided to take it I would have to take the girls (my preference anyway) as he couldn't cope with them full time
I am feeling incredibly selfish and guilty at the prospect of taking them away, but the thought of living my life out where I am is really hard.
ExDP said he might consider moving further south, but obviously I couldn't bank on it..
Would involve school change of course, and DD1 in final year of primary school. Can't even get my head around practicalities - what do single working parents do for the 3:30-5:30 slot??
Please help....

OP posts:
Dontpanicpyke · 13/10/2016 08:24

Personally I think k it would be a huge mistake. Currently your kids are st the easy age and come the early teenage years no kid wants after school care. They want to go home.

In my experience teenagers need you far more than early years and you may need to work longer and longer hours in a new more senior position.

They will miss their dad and you will miss the convenience of shared child care.

stonecircle · 13/10/2016 08:26

Seems like a lot of upheaval for only £300 extra a month. Not sure how far away from the south east you are but I hope you realise just how much more expensive the cost of living and property prices are compared to the rest of the country.

I believe quite strongly that if children have a good relationship with both parents it's really wrong for one parent to move the children away from the other. I actually thought this thread was going to be about the children- you wanted to move and their dad doesn't want you to. You've not said anything at all about how your children would feel about moving. Isn't that your starting point?

reallyanotherone · 13/10/2016 08:27

One warning- we relocated in the summer and schools are only just getting sorted.

Your new council won't start the admissions process until you have a physical address. That can take several weeks. If your local schools are full you may need to go through the appeals process.

My yr 7 dc has been out of school since sept, but has a place for after half term. We were lucky though-good secondary olaces are rare as most are filled in the yr 6- yr 7 transition.

My yr 4 dc has a school for after half term, but as it's miles away will be off for another 6 weeks until appeals are heard.

So i have had both kids off school since september, and one will be at home probably until christmas.

So if you have no help and can't take time off your new job until school is sorted, do your research. Don't just assume they'll be able to rock up at a school.

fairmac · 13/10/2016 08:31

I say move!!!

Your DDs will settle into new schools. There will be child minders available, just ask mums at the school gates or talk to headteacher about support. You only get one life so live it. You will also be showing DDs how to cope with change and how to be independent.

If it is an amazing opportunity and what you really want to do then go. The girls will not turn round years later and say 'thanks mum for staying in a boring job for us!' They'll more likely say, 'you should have made the move to better your life!'

Yes, you need to look at the practicalities, but the opportunity may never come again so go whilst you can.

Good luck!

Pisssssedofff · 13/10/2016 08:32

What would your ex do ? He'd put himself first no doubt. Do what works for you and put yourself first

gingerboy1912 · 13/10/2016 08:32

Moving dc that age is a lot easier than when they get to senior school I would say go if it's the right job for you.

Pisssssedofff · 13/10/2016 08:34

That is true school admissions are painfully slow, mine were off three months I couldn't believe it tbh.

We relocated to the other side of the world and they literally started on the Monday after we arrived, came home and it was a battle to get them into a school, any school

UnderCoverGuvnor · 13/10/2016 08:35

Have you really looked into the financial side of things? You would be moving to a more expensive area and be taking on childcare costs too - how will you manage in the school holidays?
I would be worried about finding a good secondary school for dd, as others have said applications will be going in now - as a late application you could be left with a crap school offer.
The biggest thing for me would be moving away from your support network - how would you manage if one of the children were ill, etc?
It sounds like a nice idea - new area new start but reading your op I don't think you have really thought it through. You say you want a better job and to be able to afford holidays etc but the extra salary could be quickly swallowed up by the extra costs.

dimots · 13/10/2016 08:36

The yr6 child won't get a secondary school place easily now tho. Admissions are closed in a lot of areas. Schools in SE are often oversubscribed. She may be without a place or get a place in the school no one wants. I think Yr6 is a very tricky time to move.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 13/10/2016 08:36

Wow what a dilemma, I don't envy you! Just a thought, given the seniority of the new job, would it really be the 3:30-5:30 slot after school or could the hours be much crazier than that? I don't know many senior jobs where a 5:30 finish is a reality.

How often would the children's dad see them if you moved? It's going to be so hard going from every day to much reduced.

I'm not sure I'd make that particular move, especially given the pay rise being taken up with after school care etc.

Is it possible you could look for a similar role closer to home?

ChipmunkSundays · 13/10/2016 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Liiinoo · 13/10/2016 08:47

If you have checked out schools and housing and they are all in line/affordable I would go for it.

Yes you would be taking them away from friends and family, but they will make new friends and hopefully you will still visit and be visited by v close friends and family. I live in the SE and we get guests who use our home as a base for visiting London and the surrounding attractions. It's great, they are out most of the day and then we can all catch up over meals and drinks in the evening.

It sounds as if the first few years will be a struggle, practically and financially but that will be short term. They will eventually be old enough to take care of themselves during the early evening so that expense will go and hopefully your career will flourish and your salary will increase.

I think you should do it. It sounds like an exciting opportunity for you and for them.

Fingers crossed you get the job.

MimsyPimsy · 13/10/2016 08:53

They will make lots of new friends, but you only get one dad. Sad

Surely a new job will come up near where you live? Can you not be more proactive, and contact companies?

MilkandAssal · 13/10/2016 09:06

After school clubs only run until 4.15 in Wales. We rely on child minders and my mum to collect, I work from home but I'm strict with my working hours.

We had two au pairs until recently, they were great value for money, and cheaper than "official" child care, easy to get in the South too. Good luck, sounds like a promising future for you!

malvinandhobbes · 13/10/2016 09:11

milk our Welsh after school club runs until 6:00

Somerville · 13/10/2016 09:16

I would discount friends from your reasoning. Both will be going to senior school soon and friendship groups all change then anyway.

What I would consider: their relationship with their father will suffer from not seeing him 3.30-5.30 most days. The DC will miss him, no? Especially if they don't like after school care. Do you think they will look back and consider the additional things (like holidays) that you can afford for them to be worth it?

A PP has already written about the application date for senior schools. This is a major concern - have you researched schools and how quickly would you be moving?

If you move, what will happen when either DC is ill and can't go to school? Especially during the first year - when you're working hard to really prove yourself in new role. How happy would they be with you taking last minute days off to look after sick kids?

Dontpanicpyke · 13/10/2016 09:19

Personally I would rather have my dad locally than an annual swanky holiday.

MilkandAssal · 13/10/2016 09:19

That's so fucking unfair. All the ones in the county here finish at 4.15. Such a load of bollocks. I'm penning a letter Angry

VeryPunny · 13/10/2016 09:21

I think it's really quite shit to take them away from a dad who is a big part of their lives. Sure, he might move without thinking about it but does that mean you get to behave crappily too?

furryminkymoo · 13/10/2016 09:22

Sorry but if the take home increase is £300 and that would be consumed with after school club then the job isn't well paid enough to justify move.

Will you rent? Have you looked at rental costs in chosen location? Council tax? Also hidden costs such as parking permits if in a busy area.

Is the job commuting into the City? If so then a season ticket will be £3000 - £5000 per year depending on location.

MatildaTheCat · 13/10/2016 09:24

Have you sat down and factored in all of the costs? After school club is a drop in the ocean compared to holiday care, commuting fares, housing costs and just about everything which is more expensive in the SE. At present what happened when a child is sick? As a single parent in a senior role you won't be able to stay home too often.

I'm not saying don't but don't bank on the foreign holidays either. You need to earn a fortune to just stand still near London.

Oly5 · 13/10/2016 09:26

I would do it too. Sounds like a great career move and your girls are still young enough to resettle.
I think you'd need an au pair to cover all the tricky bits of childcare and in case of illness etc.

museumum · 13/10/2016 09:34

How far is it? Are the girls going to spend every second Friday and Sunday on the motorway. I know people who do hundreds of miles round trips - it's miserable.
Or wil they only see their dad at half terms? In that case you might be able to afford holidays with them but you can't very well take them away from him if that's their only time together.

museumum · 13/10/2016 09:37

Love how people say "get an au pair" - that means renting or buying a house with another bedroom. That's not cheap!

MistyMeena · 13/10/2016 09:38

Depends on salary increase and where you will be living and working. As lots of people have already said, housing, childcare, travel (everything really) is more expensive in SE. If the increase in salary is only £300 a month you could very easily find yourself a lot worse off and without support at tricky moments.

I'm not sure I would do it! Are there really no opportunities to develop your career closer to home?