AIBU as a single mum to consider uprooting my DDs and relocating to the other end of the country for a bloody good job

[thisgirlruns]

DDs are Y6 and Y4
Have lived in the same area all their lives.. currently have amicable, shared care with ex DP who lives less than a mile away
He does all school pickups (works from home), I work full-time
We split up nearly two years ago, I am looking to change jobs and want to progress my career particularly due to the financial situation I have been left in (unmarried!) I want to be able afford holidays with my children every now and again, to be able to afford my own home etc.
This new job is in the right sector for me, in the part of the world I have always longed to be in. A big step up career wise and, had I no ties, I wouldn't think twice.
Limited opportunities where I am now. Cost of living for new job higher South East) but otherwise it would be a great move.
ExDP said tonight if I decided to take it I would have to take the girls (my preference anyway) as he couldn't cope with them full time
I am feeling incredibly selfish and guilty at the prospect of taking them away, but the thought of living my life out where I am is really hard.
ExDP said he might consider moving further south, but obviously I couldn't bank on it..
Would involve school change of course, and DD1 in final year of primary school. Can't even get my head around practicalities - what do single working parents do for the 3:30-5:30 slot??
Please help....

Yeah I found that, the cost of the extra bedroom and the food actually wasn't much cheaper than having a childminder to be honest and at least with a child minder the mess stays at her house

I wouldn't do it. The cons outweight the pros as far as I can tell.

Pros:
New job for you
Slightly more money
Possibility for career progression
You like the area

Cons:
Taking the girls away from dad
Increased housing costs
Increased childcare costs
All of you lose support networks
Might be tricky to get the girls into school

Those are just based on what you have said here but for me, the cons are things that could be quite damaging to your children and the pros are all about you and what you want. I wouldn't do it. I'm not syaing you have to be totally selfless when you have children, but they should come first and I think they lose the most if you move.

Wow - difficult decision and lots to think about. However, I think that by delving into the real costs involved you could answer your question. You need to make sure that this move is actually going to be worth it.

So:

1. How much will a 3-bed home in your new area will cost per month? A quick enquiry to a couple of local estate agents should give you a ball-park figure.
2. You already know how much after-school care will be, so how much is holiday care? I live in the SE and holiday clubs generally run from about 9-3 and they're around £30 per child per day.
3. How much will it cost you to move?

Also very important:
4) What is the school situation in the area you'll be moving to? The SE is very crowded and many areas are seriously over-subscribed, plus you'll be in a new job and not easily able to take time off if your DC aren't immediately allocated a school place.
5) How much travel/expense/effort will you need to expend to allow your DC to still see their DF regularly? Will he travel to meet you half-way? How much of a headache is this likely to be?

How limited are the job opportunities where you live now?

It definitely sounds as if you need a new job, but it doesn't seem as if the pros of the new job you're considering are enough to make the move.

I totally understand you wanting to further your career - and if you're likely to be offered this job, then you're clearly very employable. But it does seem as though moving so far away from the dd's dad and them needing lots of expensive after school care means you're not really going to be much better off, and your dd's will probably be upset at missing everyone.

Could you look for jobs a bit closer to home? Even if you still end up relocating, perhaps you could find somewhere that's maybe only an hour or two away? That way your dc could still maintain their relationship with their dad more easily.

It's important that you're fulfilled in your career, but it just seems as though you have so many other things to consider here as well. Obviously without knowing what you do and where you live at the moment, it's hard to say whether you might find your dream job closer to home.

It would depend on the possibility of career progression for me. It is not worth moving for the sake of £300pm unless it is likely to lead to further promotions.

If the career progression is good, I would move. The children would adapt and I suspect your ex would move in the same circumstances.

For a £300 net monthly increase in income, I think you'd struggle financially particularly if you're not currently in the South East. It's very, very expensive here, even if you don't live in London

YABU

I'm not sure of what would be the correct term but I don't think single mother is what you are given all the hands on support you get from your ex.

Where's everyone getting this figure of net financial gain of £300 a month?

Op has said childcare would ^cost^ over £300 a month...

Yes, she said the gain in salary would be swallowed up by childcare costs. Hence people's assumption that the figure is roughly the same - £300+.

Agree with those saying no way. It really doesn't sound worth it. So many negatives and no real gain except possibly more job satisfaction. But there must be ways to get better jobs closer to home and/or get more stimulation outside of work. I'd have though all the drawbacks would impact on your happiness in the new place anyway so even if the job's better, it wouldn't mean you'd have a better life. It'd be different if your ex was feckless, but that's not the case. You sound to have a good set-up. Why give that up?

OP said this:
"That's over £300 a month! So increase in salary would be consumed, plus living costs are higher.."

Could you afford to "road test" the job for a few months?

For example if their father was okay with it he could have them during the week for school etc., you could travel down to the job location on Sunday night, perhaps rent a room there Monday to Friday, come back Friday night, have the kids Friday to Sunday.

It wouldn't be cheap, but it could be affordable, particularly in the medium term. There's no reason why, if you liked this arrangement, you couldn't downsize the house you're in now to save money. It would also depend on arrangements with your ex as you said he couldn't cope having them full time; it depends what you could agree with him really. The risk I suppose would be if it didn't work out you would have to find another job in your original area.

Agree with everyone else that it's worth running the numbers properly to understand how financially feasible it actually is.

The other side to that is that you should consider negotiating on the salary and asking for more than you've been offered - if they're keen on you, they probably will go higher.

I say this as someone who lives in London so may be being a bit of a hypocrite but I strongly suspect you might get on the housing ladder faster by staying where you are than by moving down to the South East - salaries are a lot higher here but that does not make up for house prices. Obviously, I don't know exactly where you are in the country but I would consider applying for jobs and then moving to somewhere with better prospects but not the SE if that is at all doable.

Four separate issues, OP, and only you can weigh up how important they are. (I'm a WOHM single parent, but no father on the scene).

1. Moving your daughters far from your ex when it appears the two of you have a very amicable co-parenting relationship which is working really well for your daughters. This is a big deal; I don't think it's insurmountable (I know families where the father moved a long way away, and the children now spend blocks of time with him during school holidays - just a different pattern, but they still very much have a father involved in their lives).

2. Moving your daughters from friends/school. There seems to be a bit of an entrenched view on here that this is always bad, but (as someone who was moved around all over the place due to my father's job moves as a kid) I don't think it is as bad as it's sometimes made out to be.

3. Your career prospects. There's more to a job than simply an extra 300 quid a month right now... would you be happier overall? Would the work be more interesting/more challenging? Would there be better prospects for further promotions? What about the downsides of more interesting work - it usually comes with higher levels of commitment and stress? Again, only you can weigh these up.

4. Do the sums carefully. I had the chance of a secondment to the SE which would have more than doubled my take-home pay. By the time I factored in renting somewhere at SE costs, paying for a nanny to cover after-school, possibly having to pay school fees (would have been moving part way through a school year, no guarantee that there would have been places available in state schools), my actual disposable income would have been unchanged/possibly lower (and I suspected the work would actually have been less interesting!) Living in the SE is not just a little bit more expensive than the rest of the country, it's horrendously more expensive than the rest of the country. Look at estate agents websites to find out how much more your rent would be. Look at the costs of commuting (for instance, back when I was a young thing and lived and worked in London, the difference in rents between zone 1 and zone 6 was approximately equal to the difference in cost of the monthly travel card - so a zero sum game). Look at school websites to see what they have by way of wrap-around care.

Sorry, at work so can't reply in detail, but new salary would be almost £1k a month more, not £300. Xx

Job not in London - rural. Would be 4hrs drive from where we are now.

£1000 is not to be sniffed at, that's a couple of good holidays

4 hours!! How often would the kids do that return trip?

If you feel that all of your increased wage would be taken up with increased living costs and childcare, how do you feel it would be a good move financially? Does the job have good prospects for an increase in salary in the future? Or are you moving to do a job you love but have no support and be worse off financially?

Who currently has the DC if they are off school sick? You seem to have a lot of positives where you are currently. It's a shame that it is so far and requires major uprooting. I don't think I would do it given the circumstances you have provided.

I am career driven and understand your urge to get this job. But honestly - I think a good close relationship with both parents is more important for your children than holidays etc. They would almost never see their dad - that's not fair on them or on him. I'm stay.

Is the extra £1000 per month before or after tax? Does the job have other benefits included such as healthcare, pension or more holiday entitlement?

You need to work out housing and the extra childcare costs. I suspect that you will end up with little or no financial gain but only you know if the job is worth it.

It's a difficult decision for you and I wish you lots of luck whatever you do.

£1,000 a month more - is that figure before or after tax.

Are we talking London? £1,000 a month even if after tax does not go that far. I would do it (from a financial standpoint) only if you can make housing, commute and childcare work within the increase AND your job has serious upside both in terms of promotion and salary increase.

Your dcs will in time love it in London (if it is London) ...

I think you're really underestimating the importance of your DD's relationship with their dad. To me, this (and their relationship with you, obv) is paramount.

I've seen the situation from the other side: involved dad (although not to the extent of your ex), and mum moved a 4hr drive away. It was hell on the dad and the kids. Lots of travelling which involved enormous expense, effort and time and it's just not the same seeing someone at best every other weekend. And frankly, even EOW was pushing them all to their limits.

I wouldn't be concerned about the kids being moved from their friendship groups, but do be aware that unless contact was even less than EOW, they'd not be able to hang out with their new friends half the time, and so much of the weekends spent with their dad would be taken up with travelling that there would be less time for everthing else, including homework.

I do wish you luck with whatever you do, but please do carefully think about BOTH parents' relationships with their children. A good job would not be enough for me to take my children away from a good dad, especially if he was the one providing the quality after-school time.

The OP has said the job's not in London, it's rural.

The finances sound a bit more doable but I think you need to sit down and write a really big list of all the financial things you'll need to factor in (childcare, housing, travel, etc), all the logistical things (childcare, children seeing their dad, schools - will your year 6 get in anywhere with your timeframe?), all the pros and all the cons.

There's also how your girls will see it - will they be furious with you for taking them away from their dad/lives or will they adapt? Are they likely to really resent you as they grow older?

Lots of things to consider!

the job doesn't sounds that great if it only gives you an increase of 300 pound a week but means that you move to the south east.
Also how much do you know about living in the south east - it sounds like a bit of a pipe dream - somewhere you've always wanted to be- why? what do you think it has to offer?
I think other than the draw of London theres nothing unique about the south east and a lot of downsides (commute/cost of housing/overcrowding)