AIBU as a single mum to consider uprooting my DDs and relocating to the other end of the country for a bloody good job

[thisgirlruns]

DDs are Y6 and Y4
Have lived in the same area all their lives.. currently have amicable, shared care with ex DP who lives less than a mile away
He does all school pickups (works from home), I work full-time
We split up nearly two years ago, I am looking to change jobs and want to progress my career particularly due to the financial situation I have been left in (unmarried!) I want to be able afford holidays with my children every now and again, to be able to afford my own home etc.
This new job is in the right sector for me, in the part of the world I have always longed to be in. A big step up career wise and, had I no ties, I wouldn't think twice.
Limited opportunities where I am now. Cost of living for new job higher South East) but otherwise it would be a great move.
ExDP said tonight if I decided to take it I would have to take the girls (my preference anyway) as he couldn't cope with them full time
I am feeling incredibly selfish and guilty at the prospect of taking them away, but the thought of living my life out where I am is really hard.
ExDP said he might consider moving further south, but obviously I couldn't bank on it..
Would involve school change of course, and DD1 in final year of primary school. Can't even get my head around practicalities - what do single working parents do for the 3:30-5:30 slot??
Please help....

It's so that the girls might live a more secure life in a country thst is dismantling its welfare state day by day.
I think that's a bit of a red herring, even if the dismantling bit is true. She's got a good job already, that's probably more secure than a new job.

Also, while your general point about men may be true, we don't know in the particular case, especially as he's said he might move south.

I would do your sums very, very carefully if I were you. Especially around housing and transport and childcare and the increased cost of your dc seeing their dad. Because, as far as I can see, it would have to be a payrise of epic proportions to leave you a financial winner here.

Hmm I'm another who thinks you really need to do some sums before coming to a decision. There are a lot of grammar schools in that part of the country, would your kids have to suddenly worry about entry exams?

I'm a single parent and I work part time to make sure I'm around to pick the kids up from school. We don't have great holidays or the car I want as a result, but that's the choice I made. Other single mums I know work full time and their kids do an 8-6 stint in school every day. Neither way is better than the other, but you need to decide what your values are, and make a decision based on those. Good luck

OP, imagine that you'd had the conversation with him, and he said that he'd have the kids full time, and you'd instead have to just see them in school holidays (realistically too far for a weekend). Would you have said ok, and then gone for the job?

I very much doubt you'd have been happy with that, because you value the relationship with your children too much to just see them occasionally. By the same notion, I think it would be unfair for you to move, and expect him to give up a day to day parenting role, to just be a holiday dad. Its unfair on him, but most of all, its unfair on your children. You'll be influencing the lifelong relationship they have with their father.

Its not about you having to go where he goes - neither of you have moved away, but its unfair that by you moving away, he has to either choose to follow you round the country, or only see his children occasionally (or have them full time).

Bear in mind as well, that given how involved he is, that he does all pick ups, works from home etc, that he may well change his mind about having the children full time. The realities of it may well not have hit, and when push comes to it, it wouldn't change his life that much to have them full time by the sounds of it, whereas you are in the realms of after school clubs, au-pairs etc.

I do feel for you, I really do, but sadly I think the children's relationship with their dad has to come first right now.

I wouldn't do it because it's unfair on the children's relationship with their dad, unless you are going to drive them to their dad and back? No? I thought so.

I'm sorry if this is going to sound brutal.

Just no way would I make that kind of huge, risky change for £300 a month. That is bluntly, not very much money at all, that will quickly be swallowed by other costs. I am in a pretty similar situation to you in the sense I don't live somewhere I love, my job doesn't set the world alight and separated from ex.

No I wouldn't take my DC out of school and move in the circumstances you are describing.

Just checking in to say I am reading all these messages! I find myself feeling more like Doinitfine and Minialphabravo but can find compelling arguments for both options.

Does anyone know whether I'd be entitled to maintenance from ex DP? He doesn't work, but does have other income from which enables him to live..
I did speak to him at lunchtime and am hard-selling the 'move too' concept. But the reality is, he might not be able to afford it.
Head is exploding with all these things to consider. Did I mention that my mum moved up to the NE when our eldest was born and has always threatened 'don't you dare leave me up here' when I've mooted looking for work elsewhere. In my ideal world vision, we'll find three adjoining properties and I'll be able to pursue my career surrounded by family support.
I realise this is probably unrealistic.

I have to agree that it seems very unfair on the op to have to stay out somewhere she doesn't like with a man who no longer wants to be in a relationship with her because she can't take the kids away from their father.

Why? If you have children together surely the fairest thing is for all the parties involved (mum, dad and kids) to remain geographically close to each other. Why should the op's desire to move be more important than her dcs staying close to their father?

All this "unfair" stuff seems very idealistic. Course there's no solution where everyone's going to be thrilled. The three adjoining properties for ex, mum and OP notion shows just how unlikely a fair set-up for everyone is. But the move only seems to benefit the OP in terms of possible job satisfaction (few jobs are without their own drawbacks). The DC are disadvantaged, their relationship with their dad and now their grandmother we learn will be disadvantaged. Any financial gain will be wiped out by cost of living. I just don't get why people are saying go because it's "not fair". It's a compromise no doubt but that's what parenting often is. And the idea that the dad can afford to move sounds more and more like a fantasy. It's not even as though OP is moving to be near other family or support. She's giving up security if anything. It'd have to be the job of a lifetime!

How do you plan to facilitate contact?

I don't think you should go.

I don't think the answer is black and white. It's a question of weighing up the pros and cons for the whole family (you and DC). Moving away from a very involved NRP and GP is a big con, as is uprooting your DCs. However, it could be justified if there were big pros (for example, if you couldn't work where you are, but could in the new place, or if the schools were awful where you are, but good in the new place).

Here I don't think the pros of moving are big enough. In fact the only pro I can see is that you're bored in your current set up and this will be more interesting for you. That's not enough. There are other ways to make your life more interesting. Start a hobby. Look for training courses to get to the next level career wise. Start a business.

I also agree with pp that you are likely to find yourself significantly poorer in the SE. £1000 net/month sounds good but is not so good when you look at the cost of living difference. And you may be struggling to find school places.

Just realised you're in the NE op. And you're planning on moving to the SE. The difference in the cost of living - especially mortgages and rent is phenomenal. We sold my mum's house on the NE a couple of years ago for about £240k. The same property in the SE would have been at least 3 times that.

You would obviously have to take your Mum with you!

Would it be possible to look for a more fulfilling job somewhere in the Northern Powerhouse?

Leeds/Manchester might have some great opportunities and would not be too far from your ex - and cheaper than the SE too.

People are still saying it is a good time to move schools at yr6! While this might be the case socially, you will miss the cut off for secondary application.
This means that for your DD to get a place at a school she will be in a queue behind everyone who chose that school as either first, second or subsequent choice. She will only be offered an undersubscribed school. This is likely to be a school no one wants or one a long distance away. She will also probably miss the cut off for grammar school exams.
I would only risk this move if I could afford private school.

Would your Mum move with you? Share a house, she could look after the girls?

dimots - by that logic, no one would ever move if they had more than one child as chances are that at least one is going to have to take a place on an in-year admission basis.

Unless you're proposing that the only people who should move for their careers are childless or can afford/choose private education

Dimots makes a very valid point. Missing the application date for secondary school does mean the op's year 6 dc would be unlikely to get a place in a good school.

Lynda - depends on circumstances. I think admissions to primary I wouldn't worry so much. I would take what was offered and put DC name on waiting lists for schools I wanted. I don't think you have the luxury of time when it comes to secondary tho without impacting on GCSE results. There is generally less movement at secondary age, so fewer places come up. So, no I wouldn't move my kids between 11-16 unless it were absolutely necessary.
People claiming they moved as kids and it being fine may have been part of a cohort when school places were not under such pressure, or in a different part of the country.

I'm a single parent with no support network, family are 3+ hours away. There's more than the 3.30-5.30 you need to be considering, who is going to look after the DC if they're ill and off school? Who's going to look after them if you need to work late/work conferences/events? The day to day childcare is the easy part, its all the extra bits such as never being able to go to any of the work networking, unpaid time off when DC is ill which have had a negative impact on my career.

Could your mum move with you? I think there's legs in the idea but you may need to really walk through the detail... Could you move maybe not the 4hours but 2/3 I do think now is a good time schools wise if you're not moving to an area where all the schools are chockablock...
How flexible would the employer be? It's goin to be tricky for you to get a new support network so wil you be able to work from home at all? If your mum doesn't come with you...

Do it.
Kids adapt.

I doubt £1k pm would cover the difference in cost of living (esp housing) in the SE. I may be biased though as pretty much nothing would persuade me to move to the SE.

Update. Much discussion and deliberation last night (my phone bill will be eye-watering) including a very useful and amicable chat with ex DP over his kitchen table. We also decided to mention the possibility to the girls.

The upshot is -

1. He has not ruled out moving South, although the logistics are challenging in terms of whether or not he could afford to live, and once his parents find out they are likely to resist which will undoubtedly impact him.

1. The girls were nonchalant about the prospect. This led to excitement when we started googling properties and they are currently trying to encourage Ex DP to live on a houseboat for £100k. He's quite bohemian, so who knows. Obviously the impact of the move won't have registered with them, but the eldest in particular (who is very close to me) was also happy with prospect of seeing ex DP less regularly. Again, obviously she won't understand the full implications, and I'm not convinced it was wise to involve them in the discussions at all, but we tried to discuss it as a family so all voices could be heard.

1. Spoke to my mum. She was quite reserved but didn't rule out the possibility of making the move too. She is nearing retirement. The issue will be the low value of her home, but those sort of issues can be examined if and when it becomes a reality.

1. I have spoken to several colleagues in the sector. Unequivocal feeling that this is a fantastic opportunity and jobs of such calibre are not often on offer locally, nor indeed out of London.

1. I have crunched the numbers and can afford the move, even factoring worst case scenario childcare costs. That includes diesel costs.

1. I am terrified but also think you only live once. Hopefully should know by the end of next week.

Oh and ex DP again was clear that he didn't feel he could or would want to cope with the kids full time in his current location if I was down South.

That's all really. Just wanted to update you all and thank you for your input.

Xx

Well done OP.

Go for it.