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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU as a single mum to consider uprooting my DDs and relocating to the other end of the country for a bloody good job

184 replies

thisgirlruns · 13/10/2016 00:00

DDs are Y6 and Y4
Have lived in the same area all their lives.. currently have amicable, shared care with ex DP who lives less than a mile away
He does all school pickups (works from home), I work full-time
We split up nearly two years ago, I am looking to change jobs and want to progress my career particularly due to the financial situation I have been left in (unmarried!) I want to be able afford holidays with my children every now and again, to be able to afford my own home etc.
This new job is in the right sector for me, in the part of the world I have always longed to be in. A big step up career wise and, had I no ties, I wouldn't think twice.
Limited opportunities where I am now. Cost of living for new job higher South East) but otherwise it would be a great move.
ExDP said tonight if I decided to take it I would have to take the girls (my preference anyway) as he couldn't cope with them full time
I am feeling incredibly selfish and guilty at the prospect of taking them away, but the thought of living my life out where I am is really hard.
ExDP said he might consider moving further south, but obviously I couldn't bank on it..
Would involve school change of course, and DD1 in final year of primary school. Can't even get my head around practicalities - what do single working parents do for the 3:30-5:30 slot??
Please help....

OP posts:
MostlyHet · 14/10/2016 13:33

Fantastic news, OP. Good luck with the interview. And it sounds like all of you - girls and exDP and you - handled it brilliantly.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/10/2016 13:54

All sounds good. You will be much more comfortable going for the job knowing that you have family support behind you.

LyndaNotLinda · 14/10/2016 14:02

Go for it! That all sounds brilliant. I think you were right to involve the girls at an early stage - much better for them to think they've been part of the decision-making process from the outset

Best of luck with the move :)

Atenco · 14/10/2016 14:11

Great news, OP

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/10/2016 10:41

Good - sounds like you're doing all the right thinking and planning.

Possibly terrible suggestion but worth considering - when you look for a property, maybe consider going in with your mum and looking for one you could buy together? it would need to have a self-contained (ok, granny!) flat for good mental health, but it could be very useful in terms of not only cost, but also for help and company.

WhycantIhavearealwand · 16/10/2016 20:18

Really pleased to hear this update! Sounds really positive. Good luck!

Liiinoo · 19/10/2016 01:09

Good luck with it all. You sound very focussed and aware so I am sure whatever you do will work out well. I am so impressed at the way you are communicating with everyone involved.

Theladyloriana · 21/10/2016 19:43

Well done op. Sounds like great communication. Did you get the job?

Original poster
thisgirlruns · 22/10/2016 07:15

Hello - quick update..
Second interview yesterday, and..
I GOT THE JOB!!
Have the weekend to decide.
Really want to take it, but still in angst re impact on the girls. Xx

OP posts:
Twodogsandahooch · 22/10/2016 07:20

Goodness how exciting. Well done

allegretto · 22/10/2016 07:24

Well done on getting the job! I haven't read all the thread (sorry!) but if I have understood correctly the increase in salary is about £300? I wouldn't move for that - don't underestimate how important it is to have a support network around you (and your dds' dad!) and how hard it is to start from scratch.

allegretto · 22/10/2016 07:27

Oops - now I have read it, realise that it is a grand extra not just 300! Hmm....happy pondering OP! I would still try and get a definite answer from your mum and ex about moving though.

confusedandemployed · 22/10/2016 07:39

Just read while thread...congratulations! When I started reading I wasn't sure, but as I got more info from your later posts I've come to the conclusion that you should go for it!!

Oh and I have a friend who lives on a houseboat - they love it. Your DP would too I'm sure!

limon · 22/10/2016 07:43

Yabvu. their relationship with their dad is as important as their relationship with you. How about you move, dds stay with dad and you see them alternate weekends?

Muser54321 · 22/10/2016 07:48

I haven't the time to read the thread atm but I am a parent who does 100% of the parenting and if I had a regular consistent break no job would make me move away. Even if it were only one night a fortnight. That's how starved of a break I am. HOw unable to plan anything for myself. I work now and my parents help me with childcare but obviously they're not going to do a whole raft of overnights as well. So I have no life. I work and I come home. I do go out but I have to pay for a babysitter. I can't join anything, I can't have a bf (two have faltered at the first hurdle) and who could blame them, I am never without my kids. No break, ever.

Muser54321 · 22/10/2016 07:52

oh sorry, you got the job!
Congratulations!

wannabestressfree · 22/10/2016 07:58

Go for it!!! I did it and don't regret it and I live down south so message me if I can help (I realise geographically it's a huge area) :)

BigFatTent · 22/10/2016 08:23

Congratulations on getting the job but don't underestimate the challenges of doing it all by yourself. It's hard work if your mum and ex don't follow you (and it's asking a lot to expect them to).

You might need to think about what happens to dc before school, not just after. You will have to collect them yourself from wherever they go every day after school and what happens if you get delayed or have to travel for work?

If their father has been very involved to this point and then is pretty much cut off you are going to impact on that relationship and they may not thank you for it.

What will happen in the school holidays? They will either have to stay with your ex or you will pay for full time activities.

I also agree with PPs who said you will find it quite difficult to meet new people.

And it is expensive living in the SE, so I would question whether the extra money will be enough to make all of this worthwhile.

I'm not saying don't do it, but think long and hard before making a decision.

franincisco · 22/10/2016 08:55

Plenty families have limited contact with dads and they cope.

I am quite shocked about how blase many posters are regarding the potential separation of the dc from their father. Everyone might have great intentions initially, but will tire very quickly of an 8 hours round trip every weekend.

I would be very concerned about lack of support and new (good) schools for the children. Although you are a single parent now, you are effectively co-parenting very successfully.

This new job may come with further corporate obligations; evenings out etc, and you will need a back up person in case one of the children is off school or gets sent home sick.

wizbet80 · 22/10/2016 08:57

Would you consider having your mum live with you down south? That might make money go further for both of you and cut down some childcare costs?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 22/10/2016 19:45

Consider sharing a house with another single-mother and her DC.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 22/10/2016 19:46

Or an au pair....

WhatsGoingOnEh · 22/10/2016 19:46

Or yes, def ask your mum to move in with you down south.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 22/10/2016 19:46

DO NOT try to go it alone! The stress would be sky high.

LyndaNotLinda · 22/10/2016 21:50

Brilliant! Well done you - great achievement