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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's ok for a 9 month old to be 'clingy'

241 replies

Throughautomaticdoors · 12/10/2016 22:13

My dd is 9 months old (7.5 months corrected if it makes any difference!) and she is very much all me at the moment. If she is tired or a bit under the weather in particular she will only really settle for me.

Mil came over this afternoon and Dd had been fine for most of it but was getting a bit tired by late afternoon and a couple of times cried or crawled after me when I went out the room. Mil kept saying 'you'll have to sort this out Automatic, she'll never cope at school will she.' She's 9 months old! I'm pretty sure by the time she's 4 she won't be crawling after me crying.
I think some of this is because mil would like Dd herself (has said before she likes to pretend the baby is hers) and there have been a number of occasions where dd has been crying and calling me or reaching her arms out when mil has been holding her and mil has walked her away from me saying she needs to learn she can't always have what she wants and get used to not always being with mummy.

I probably have been more protective with her than I was ds because she was prem and poorly and because I've had pnd but she's 9 months! Surely it's ok to want your mum when you're tired / hungry / fed up and you're only 9 months old?

OP posts:
MummaGiles · 12/10/2016 22:15

It's totally natural for them to be clingy, especially at that age when separation anxiety starts to kick in. Your MIL sounds bats.

Justwanttoweeinpeace · 12/10/2016 22:16

Yep, clingy totally normal.

TheSkyAtNight · 12/10/2016 22:16

YANBU. This is classic separTion anxiety time & shows how well attached your dd is to you. Your lovely responsiveness to her is what will enable her to grow up secure, independent & confident later.

Wrinklytights · 12/10/2016 22:17

Yadnbu. 9m is classic separation anxiety age. Your dd would be very unusual if she wasn't 'clingy' at this age. Don't let you MIL stop DD coming to you. It's cruel and will surely increase her anxiety. Sounds like MIL is jealous tbh

MadeForThis · 12/10/2016 22:18

Of course!
It's normal for a baby to want to be with their mummy. 9 months is also typical time for separation anxiety so naturally there will be times that your DD will follow you and cry if you leave. Her own son probably did the same if she would care to remember.

EmzDisco · 12/10/2016 22:18

They are supposed to be clingy! They need to be near mum to make sure they don't get carted off by a marauding rival tribe/wild animal/crazy MIL

As you say, she will learn, when she needs to, which is not yet.

Bluesrunthegame · 12/10/2016 22:18

You bet it's OK to want your mum when you're 9 months old! All this stuff about 'she has to learn she can't always have what she wants' is just nasty, although I heard it when mine were little from my then mil. If your lo is tired, feeling unwell or just wants a cuddle from her mum, that's fine. She has the rest of her life to find out she can't always have what she wants, nine months old is too early!

DeanTavalouris · 12/10/2016 22:19

Your MIL sounds like a peach. You need to nip this in the bud, or your DH does. It's totally normally behaviour from your DD.

Oysterbabe · 12/10/2016 22:19

I would be snatching my baby straight back if MIL tried to wander off with her when she wanted me. YANBU.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 12/10/2016 22:19

Don't let mil walk away with the baby again when she is crying for you. That must very traumatic for your dd if she can see you and needs you and that stupid bint is walking away with her Angry

You don't have to get anything sorted. She is your baby - it's natural for her to want her mother.

Dd2 is 3 and she will only do with me when upset still. Poor Dh has to take a back seat when she is ill or upset as she will only have me, which I don't mind.

My mil tried that crap with me when dd was new born and we actually had a eye balling each other moment stand off. I won.

Tell her to piss off

MulberryBush12 · 12/10/2016 22:20

Take zero notice of your MIL- she's trying to undermine you. Just smile and wave!
Trust your own judgment.

blueturtle6 · 12/10/2016 22:20

Err she's not well, of course she wants her mum, I'm in my thirties and still call my mum if not feeling very well!
Sounds like a normal 9mo, pick her up give her a cuddle and tell mil this is normal.

Original poster
Throughautomaticdoors · 12/10/2016 22:21

Mil was saying 'temper temper' at dd which really annoyed me.
It's counterproductive for mil having a good relationship with dd because I think dd associates mil with being taken away from me when she's crying. I just can't understand why you wouldn't give a crying baby to one of its parents. Where is the pleasure in holding a distressed baby?

OP posts:
carmenta · 12/10/2016 22:21

She's a baby, of course she wants to be with her mother! If anyone walked off with my baby when they were crying for me I would go ballistic, what a cruel thing to do.

Tell her babies learn (and unlearn) habits in a few weeks. Suggesting that a behaviour is fixed at that age is ridiculous.

MulberryBush12 · 12/10/2016 22:23

MIL sounds extremely ignorant-just ignore her.

wonderwoo · 12/10/2016 22:25

I would be worried if your dd wasn't clingy with you at this age! And imo the best way of enabling her to become a confident and independent four year old, who is ready for school, is to respond well to her need for you at this age.

Your Mil is very strange and has issues of her own. And she is cruel to be trying to stop your dd from being with you when she needs her mum.

You are without a doubt nbu!

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 12/10/2016 22:26

Because mil want your dd to take comfort in her not you basically

Ohyesiam · 12/10/2016 22:32

Well put wonderwoo. Yanbu

Jedimum1 · 12/10/2016 23:09

Perfectly normal and healthy. Your mil needs to step down, it's good to show the baby that you are not "leaving leaving" and you are coming back, but this is usually done by leaving for very brief moments, talking from another room, letting her see you from another room, etc.... definitely not by snatching away and nothing to do with temper! What a woman! I'd tell her not to do that, as I also think it will hinder her relationship, as you have said, and kids need reassurance, love and a safe environment from their main carers, in this case you. Making her distress or taking her away might make her feel abandoned. Give her cuddles and ignore MIL. Tell her to read on attachment parenting too!

Dogsmom · 12/10/2016 23:09

You need to be firm with your mil, you're in a situation where you have to choose between your mils feelings and your baby dd's, there's no competition.
If she cries then take her back, if mil walks off then tell her firmly 'I'll have her back now'.
My dd is 19 months old and all me, I know she'll outgrow it and it's fine, it's natural.

littleflamingo · 14/10/2016 00:12

Your MIL is just like mine. She already asked me when I'll stop breastfeeding (my baby was 3 months old). I just never go there anymore and I find all sort of excuses. Just ignore this old !*

temporarilyjerry · 14/10/2016 05:32

9 months, 19 months, 9 years old, 19 years old, it's always okay to want your mum when you're upset.

Your DD doesn't have to prepare for school yet! I feel that there is too much emphasis on children becoming independent and not enough on them being secure.

TitaniasTits · 14/10/2016 06:15

Your MIL sounds barmy, for one thing.

I got this a lot when my DD was a (massively clingy) baby. Told I was spoiling her, she had me wrapped round her little finger. Yet since nursery age she's ran happily in without a backward glance. She knows I'm always there when she needs me, so feels confident enough to not to need me all the time.

normage · 14/10/2016 14:38

My Mil used to glare at me when I took my babies back off her when they wanted me. I was told by various busybodies mine would be clingy because of the way I was with them. None of them were. They have all been so independent and will have a go at anything. Follow your baby and your instincts and enjoy this precious time.

sleepy16 · 14/10/2016 14:48

My dd is 9 months, and exactly the same as your dd, very very normal.