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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think it's ok for a 9 month old to be 'clingy'

241 replies

Throughautomaticdoors · 12/10/2016 22:13

My dd is 9 months old (7.5 months corrected if it makes any difference!) and she is very much all me at the moment. If she is tired or a bit under the weather in particular she will only really settle for me.

Mil came over this afternoon and Dd had been fine for most of it but was getting a bit tired by late afternoon and a couple of times cried or crawled after me when I went out the room. Mil kept saying 'you'll have to sort this out Automatic, she'll never cope at school will she.' She's 9 months old! I'm pretty sure by the time she's 4 she won't be crawling after me crying.
I think some of this is because mil would like Dd herself (has said before she likes to pretend the baby is hers) and there have been a number of occasions where dd has been crying and calling me or reaching her arms out when mil has been holding her and mil has walked her away from me saying she needs to learn she can't always have what she wants and get used to not always being with mummy.

I probably have been more protective with her than I was ds because she was prem and poorly and because I've had pnd but she's 9 months! Surely it's ok to want your mum when you're tired / hungry / fed up and you're only 9 months old?

OP posts:
53rdAndBird · 16/10/2016 12:43

Christ, Trifle, you seem determined to believe everyone's out to be mean to you.

I've already tried to tell you, twice, that going into motherhood thinking that you can parent your way out of clinginess is putting yourself under a massive amount of pressure. You risk becoming very miserable indeed if you end up with a clingy baby and you feel like it's all your fault.

I had a clingy baby, and it was so, so hard. I am not a cuddly person and I like my own space - having a small person determined to be attached to me all the time nearly drove me out of my mind. It was, hands down, the hardest thing about parenting a baby. I was so bloody miserable. And if I'd believed, on top of that, that clinginess was all my own fault, I would probably have spiralled off into PND.

Trifleorbust · 16/10/2016 12:46

53rd, if you didn't make such dismissive comments as 'we're all entitled to think the moon is made of green cheese', or words to that effect, I would put think you were being rude Hmm

Thank you for your advice, but as I say, we'll see whether my opinion has any merit in a few months.

Trifleorbust · 16/10/2016 12:46

*wouldn't

53rdAndBird · 16/10/2016 13:04

Yes, because you dismissed the entire field of child development as just an opinion!

I give up. On you go with your exert parenting skills, Trifle, and I hope your baby's personality matches your expectations.

arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens · 16/10/2016 13:17

Your MIIL is batty OP!

It's perfectly normal to be clingy at 9mo. DD is 15 and totally happy doing her own thing unless poorly / unhappy at which point she only wants me (p) or DH (u) and clings to the parent of choice

Hope you are able to resolve this soon x

MapMyMum · 16/10/2016 13:19

Trifle for someone who apparently has so much experience with babies you really are not very well informed about about normal and healthy development stages

AmeliaJack · 16/10/2016 13:31

I have twins.

When they were tiny I was vastly entertained by the other parents in my NCT group assuming that their baby's behaviour was solely down to their parenting.

What I could see (having two babies parented the same way) was that early behaviour is pretty much down to personality.

Several of them got a bit of a shock when baby number 2 turned up and responded completely differently to the same methods.

Babies aren't blank slates. They are individual little people.

Trifleorbust · 16/10/2016 14:23

Or maybe I'm perfectly well informed but I have chosen to be critical in my approach to my reading. Don't take this the wrong way (because I am not dismissive of the whole idea of separation anxiety - I think on the whole children do experience it) but I don't choose to believe everything I read or hear as 'fact'. Theories come in and out of fashion and remain just that: theories.

AmeliaJack · 16/10/2016 14:54

Trifle information is no match for experience. Which what various posters are trying to say.

There is nothing wrong with having a plan for how you parent your baby, but it is wise to keep an open mind.

Babies haven't read the manuals. Grin.

And they are all different.

Best wishes for the reminder of your pregnancy.

Trifleorbust · 16/10/2016 15:20

I have an open mind, thanks. I am not the one insisting on the validity of my opinion over that of others. I have also acknowledged that it may be wrong. Time will tell.

AmeliaJack · 16/10/2016 17:08

My point Trifle is that time won't tell. If you don't have a clingy baby it will be nothing to do with your parenting, what you do or don't do.

It will just be down to that particular baby's personality.

Trifleorbust · 16/10/2016 17:15

Amelia, I accept that that is what you think. I happen not to agree.

AmeliaJack · 16/10/2016 17:17

Uh huh.

Adnerb95 · 16/10/2016 17:26

Can't think of a single child I know (big family!) that didn't go through a clingy phase at around this age - or, actually, slightly older with some of them. Your MIL is bonkers OP - take no notice. Flowers

AllieBomBally · 16/10/2016 17:36

YANBU at all! If you are at home with your DD all the time then of course she will want to come to you for comfort! Your MIL needs to back off, she's your child and you should look after her how you see fit. Presumably she's happy and healthy the rest of the time so naturally she cries for you because you are her Mum!
Don't let your MIL ruin this precious time when you are the most important person in your child's world, it doesn't last long in the grand scheme of things, so enjoy it.

jwpetal · 16/10/2016 17:43

I have 3 children and all went through the clingy stage around this age. They are 9 and 7. I still get clingy children particularly when they are tired or have had a new situation or whatever. My seven year olds twins and were different and were clingy at different stages. They were also prem and their development is different from full term babies. May be worth hoping onto the prem forum. I know it is difficult but go with your gut and what works for you and your family. I wish I had been more patient with the kids as babies. Held them more and gave them the security they needed not what others told me they needed. Believe it or not, you may get to a point when you miss this time when they need you.

jwpetal · 16/10/2016 17:43

sorry hopping onto

2kids2dogsnosense · 16/10/2016 17:47

Perfectly normal - your MIL is the one who needs to see a doctor.

ridingsixwhitehorses · 16/10/2016 17:49

I have three kids. First two did this. Last is just starting to and is almost a year. Whenever anyone tries to take them from me when they are upset I go mad at them. Sure they have to learn that when I am not there others can make them feel better. But they also have to learn that when I am there I totally have their back. Your mil needs to learn this, not them.

QueenJuggler · 16/10/2016 18:00

There's always one expectant mother who's convinced that if they just follow a few simple steps, they will end up with the "perfect" baby, isn't there?

I don't actually see anything wrong with having a clingy baby - it doesn't make the baby or the mother any "less". As it happens, DD wasn't in the slightest bit clingy - but I have no illusions that this was much to do with how I raised her. It's just the way she has always been.

LizB62A · 16/10/2016 18:00

Trifle

I'm one of 5 kids - the youngest is 10 years younger than me so I helped out a lot when she was born, I have numerous cousins younger than me and did an awful lot of babysitting for other children as a teenager.

However, nothing prepared me for having my own baby.
I suspect you'll find the same thing !

Maireadplastic · 16/10/2016 18:17

I hate the word clingy. She's not clingy, she's a baby.

Trifleorbust · 16/10/2016 18:20

I don't mind that people disagree, as I've said several times. I do mind the condescending eye rolling attitude of some on this thread who have to insist that they know better. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. I have no illusions about having a 'perfect' baby (all babies are lovely in their own way!) but I do firmly believe that approaches to parenting have some (not all) influence on baby behaviour. My aim is simply to minimise clinginess, not to deny that it exists or to criticise anyone who doesn't mind/prefers it. Each to their own.

worrierandwine · 16/10/2016 18:21

YANBU at all! As others have said, 9 months prime separation anxiety age and it sounds as though MIL just wants to muscle in and wants dibs on your lovely baby. Keep being responsive to her and she will grow to be a very confident and content little girl. The more secure you make her feel, the happier she will be. My DD went through a phase of crying every time I left the room but she soon got over it and is now a ridiculously confident 4 year old, I had the same unhelpful comments as you've had!

mummylove2monsters · 16/10/2016 18:29

Totally normal and contrary to what your mil thinks - it's actually better to keep reassuring your baby and long term she will be more confident because she will know you are there for her x tell your mil to leave it to you - you are the mummy xxxx