To think it's ok for a 9 month old to be 'clingy'

[Throughautomaticdoors]

My dd is 9 months old (7.5 months corrected if it makes any difference!) and she is very much all me at the moment. If she is tired or a bit under the weather in particular she will only really settle for me.

Mil came over this afternoon and Dd had been fine for most of it but was getting a bit tired by late afternoon and a couple of times cried or crawled after me when I went out the room. Mil kept saying 'you'll have to sort this out Automatic, she'll never cope at school will she.' She's 9 months old! I'm pretty sure by the time she's 4 she won't be crawling after me crying.
I think some of this is because mil would like Dd herself (has said before she likes to pretend the baby is hers) and there have been a number of occasions where dd has been crying and calling me or reaching her arms out when mil has been holding her and mil has walked her away from me saying she needs to learn she can't always have what she wants and get used to not always being with mummy.

I probably have been more protective with her than I was ds because she was prem and poorly and because I've had pnd but she's 9 months! Surely it's ok to want your mum when you're tired / hungry / fed up and you're only 9 months old?

Might I be permitted to try and bring some perspective to this?

Trifle, you think you're saying - I'm going to try parenting my planned way and I think that will result in a non-clingy child. Right?

But what other posters are reading is - if you parent the wrong way, you will end up with a clingy child,

Whereas the reality is that neither statement is correct.

I am not making statements that I believe to be 'correct' per se, Queen. I am just stating my intentions. Time will tell if I am correct. Other posters, on the other hand, are making statements not only about their own experiences but about my intentions, some of which are offensive in nature. That is how I see it anyway. It in no way 'knocks my confidence' because, as a new mum everything will be an experiment, but I do think it is quite nasty.

abso I'm struggling to see anything verging on offensive or bullying in any of your posts...

Trifle I'm pretty sure no one is meaning to offend you in the slightest.

15/10/2016 19:43 Trifleorbust
Hmm. Thanks for the advice gone but my honest feeling is that clinginess of this nature is usually avoidable, so I don't intend to let it get to that stage.

The PP who made the analogy with sleep is absolutely right. Yes, this may be your opinion. But it's really a bit off to suggest that people who have had children with serious separation anxiety have brought the problem on themselves. With children you get what you get to a large extent, be it an anxious temperament or an inability to sleep through the night. Once you establish what personality your new small person has, you take it from there, but babies will be who they are.

Suggesting to other people that their (sometimes extremely difficult and traumatic) parenting challenges are self-inflicted isn't nice. Yes it may be your opinion, but if you offend people with your opinion and then persist in not saying sorry when they point it out to you (which is not bullying by the way, people are allowed to robustly disagree with you) then you're just being rude.

I have nothing to say sorry for. The comments I am objecting to are not comments that 'disagree' with me (no problem with that). They are comments that made negative assumptions about my intentions as a new parent and persisted in interrogating me as if I owed the poster answers, just for having the temerity to dissent from the majority opinion. I have directed no criticism or rudeness at anyone.

So Trifle your only contribution to the thread was to tell an op with a clingy baby that you, despite not actually being a parent, think it's avoidable and you'll do better. But you can't see how annoying that is to other parents? I think you're in for an interesting first year of motherhood!

That would be the size of it Carshare. It's not surprising though. This isn't the only thread Trifle has commented on, which has raised my eyebrows. She commented on Just sent dd to bed at 5pm., where she advocated the parent of a little girl (who's just started school) putting her to bed as punishment. The little girl was playing up at the childminder when the mum came to collect her and sat down for a quick cuppa and a chat. The girl didn't want to sit still with her and cm or play in a way dictated by the mother. Instead of taking that as a cue to leave, the mother chose to stay resulting in a silly punishment. According to Trifle the style of parenting, where I wouldn't punish my child severely for acting like a typical 4 yr old is going to have all manner of consequences when she's older . Now I'm all for putting a little child to bed if they're mega tired, it's doing it as a punishment I'm against. Apparently for Trifle it's a matter of respect and learning it now or never and all the mumsnetters disagreeing with the punishment are living in the twilight zone or some such. I think she's in for more than just an interesting year!

Sorry to derail your thread op. I'm really annoyed at the disrespect of some posters.

I did not persist in interrogating you! As soon as you said that you found it intrusive I apologized and stopped asking! Feel free to read back and check.....

I have apologized repeatedly for any offense caused. I like many posters have repeatedly explained that we were attempting to offer you the benefit of our collective experience- for the good of you and your baby!
You however have continued to be defensive, arrogant and aggressive in your posting.

Motherhood is a long journey and you are only just beginning yours. Fasten your seatbelt, I think you're in for a bumpy ride

15/10/2016 19:43 Trifleorbust
Hmm. Thanks for the advice gone but my honest feeling is that clinginess of this nature is usually avoidable, so I don't intend to let it get to that stage.

I'm going to try again. ^^ This comment that you made is critical of the parenting of other posters without adequate foundation for making the criticism (unless you have some peer reviewed infant psychology research that you're not sharing?), and is therefore rude. It is not "just your opinion", it is judgemental. And yes, I do think you should apologise for it.

Just barging in to make a plea for Peace & Love. Thanks to all for posting your ideas and advice for the OP.

Likewise, it's a bullying tactic to start introducing details of what a poster has said on another thread, Mummy. Against posting rules too, I believe.

Again, nothing to apologise for here. I don't believe it is arrogant to state my opinion, which I have as much right to as anyone, particularly when I have repeatedly accepted that my opinion may turn out to be wrong. I am not, however, going to accept 'collective advice' that I have not requested, that is framed as criticism of how I intend to parent my baby. It is quite simply none of anyone else's concern but my own.

Mumsnet, I will not be commenting again on this thread. As much as I would like to see peace and love, I don't think it is going to happen with some of these posters who seem intent on shoving their views on parenting down someone else's throat.

Thanks Fliss, not sure there's much more to be gained from this thread for the OP or anyone else.

I'm sure we've all learnt something that will help us in our parenting journey.

Omg. trifle. No ganging up with a bunch of pals and persisting in flogging the same points and questions that the poster has already politely declined is in no way bullying! How silly of me. I'll follow trifle out and leave you all to pat each other on the back!

No one is patting themselves on the back. I don't think there are any 'winners' in this thread. Unfortunately it seems to have upset a lot of people I honestly don't think that was anyone's intentions (it certainly wasn't mine).

I know I was upset by the implication that I could have avoided my DDs clinginess...she finds all sorts of situations highly anxiety provoking and I hate seeing her suffer. I accept that she is who she is though and love her deeply for it and try to support her through her feelings the best way I know how.

I know I have a habit of over explaining and writing far more than is probably necessary (I'm working on it)... I also struggle to write down things the way they are in my head (dyslexia) which is a constant source of frustration and I know I come across wrong sometimes...

Anyway, I wish I'd had someone around in the early days to reassure me to be there for DD in the way she was telling me she needed me to be.... instead of telling me I was making her clingy, to put her down and shut the door and leave her to cry (I didn't!). Instead of letting her be taken off me and passed around like a pass the parcel at a family event because she "needs to get used to it" even though I knew how much it was upsetting her (and me) and then being up with her all night that night because she was so upset.

But I didn't... I did have mumsnet however, who were my support network during that very difficult period of traumatic delivery, and a colicky, refluxy, allergic, tongue-tied baby who never slept!

I hope this thread doesn't put trifle off seeking help and support through MN if she does find herself struggling a few months down the line (I hope she doesn't ).

OP I hope this thread has reassured you to follow your instincts

Punch your MIL in the tit & cuddle that baby!

No back patting, just a group of parents who have or have had a clingy baby reassuring a mother with a clingy baby that it'll work out and she's right to follow her instincts.

Yes, unfortunately the thread was derailed, there were some bullying accusations made towards a poster that many of us felt were unjust. I felt compelled to defend her as in my opinion she had offered advice, shared her (difficult) experience of early parenthood and had been respectful of others. I can relate to her experience and found her posts hugely helpful.

to abso

to Trifle I'm sorry you've been upset by this thread and I wish you all the best with your new baby when he or she arrives.