To think it's ok for a 9 month old to be 'clingy'

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My dd is 9 months old (7.5 months corrected if it makes any difference!) and she is very much all me at the moment. If she is tired or a bit under the weather in particular she will only really settle for me.

Mil came over this afternoon and Dd had been fine for most of it but was getting a bit tired by late afternoon and a couple of times cried or crawled after me when I went out the room. Mil kept saying 'you'll have to sort this out Automatic, she'll never cope at school will she.' She's 9 months old! I'm pretty sure by the time she's 4 she won't be crawling after me crying.
I think some of this is because mil would like Dd herself (has said before she likes to pretend the baby is hers) and there have been a number of occasions where dd has been crying and calling me or reaching her arms out when mil has been holding her and mil has walked her away from me saying she needs to learn she can't always have what she wants and get used to not always being with mummy.

I probably have been more protective with her than I was ds because she was prem and poorly and because I've had pnd but she's 9 months! Surely it's ok to want your mum when you're tired / hungry / fed up and you're only 9 months old?

It's totally normal. Actually, it's more than normal ; it's desirable. A very healthy bond with the main caregiver is an excellent thing. You're obviously doing parenting really well.

Does anyone have the same issue with their DMs or is it mainly MILs?
I totally expected DGD to be really clingy around that age and to not want to come to me, especially as I live a fair distance away and see her about every 4-6 weeks. Amazingly she was (and still is ) fine and will put her arms out to me. I wonder if it's anything to do with 'familiar' smells? Could it be that daughters and mother's might share the same natural smell that feels familiar to the grandchild? When DGD was going through her clingiest phase the only other person she seemed ok with holding her/looking after her, apart from her DF, was me. Just wondering if there's a biological reason. With your MIL, OP, it's totally not on for her to make out your DD needs to not be allowed to 'get away' with being clingy. It is as just about every PP has said, a developmental stage and an indication of just how strong mother/baby attachment is. Anyone trying to prevent a baby from being with who they most need to be with, is just plain cruel.

I've got the same issue (even telling me that I don't understand what that particular cry means.. ).

They're a baby! Stick to your instincts

Separation anxiety is common at that age. My own DGD is 1 year old and the same. If her mum or dad are around then she wants to be held by them particularly if she is tired or under the weather. It is just a phase. Babies first relationships are of course with their parents.

Your MIL is totally batty.

Absolutely normal. My nine month old does the same

I work with young children who have attachment disorder. It makes me despair that there are people about, like your mil, with this dangerous attitude. The harm insecure attachment can do to a child cannot be underestimated.
You sound like a great mum and are absolutely doing the right thing, responding to your baby's needs so intuitively. Ignore anyone else telling you differently

100% agree with mrscraig and no YANBU
These idiots like your MIL I had to contend with too - my daughter loves being around me, and I love being around her! Tell her to put a sock in it!

FFS! The baby is NINE MONTHS OLD.

Both of my children are what your MIL would describe as 'clingy'.

The eldest has just started pre-school and is happy to go there. The youngest goes to creche every day no issues.

Somehow I think your DD will be just fine by the time she gets to primary school!!

she sounds very old school. I have similar of MIL - ignore her and wear the baby in a carrier when she visits, so she can't get hold!!

DD3.5 is only just starting to be fussed about whether I'm around or not but DD 16 months is very clingy. I just go with the flow because I know things change. My youngest was clingy 9 to 13 months then got better then got worse again recently.

Just go with the flow. It will get better and will certainly get sorted by school!! It just sounds like your MIL wants her all to herself!

Normal. Not clingy.

Trifle - you keep saying what you're 'going to' do, are you actually a mother yet?

I think it does tend to be mil based on not just mn but what I've heard IRL too. But my own experience was different, my now ex Mil who I don't get on great with on a personal level but she is a great supportive gran. Conversely my own mother is/was a nightmare. At time my daughter was born we were living (because of my ex's job) near in laws and quite a way from my parents (which suited me mine are horrific!), My mother was jealous of mil time with my daughter but even following divorce and I moved home she still made little effort to see or show affection to my daughter then moaned that daughter didn't wanna do stuff with her as she got older!

Upshot is my daughter is much closer to my ex Mil than she ever will be go my mum despite big geographical distance.

I was a nanny before being a mum. Developmentally all the posters stating separation anxiety are spot on, it rears again around 2/2.5 also when starting school (primary and secondary), entering puberty etc etc. I'm 44 I still want my mum when I'm sick/distressed (unfortunately she's not much help).

My daughter is now 15 and so independant I sometimes question if she needs me at all! Which as she will be hopefully off to uni in a couple years is precisely as it should be. Your mil MIGHT (unlikely) be interested to know that my daughter's friends who have somewhat distant parents are the ones who hate being away from home!

Anyone who is interested might find reading about child rearing in other countries fascinating, it seems to be mainly UK and USA who have this bizarre idea of producing under one's who are 'independant' - note we also have the higher rates of -

Childhood depression, other destructive mental illness like self harming and eating disorders, and suicide
Underage sex and pregnancy (seeking affection elsewhere?)
Dysfunctional drug and alcohol use (trying to fill a hole in their hearts?)

I currently get told I'm 'making a rod for my own back' and recently had 'whatever is he going to be like when he's older'. DC3 is 13 months old, he's incredibly demanding and has always been a 'Mummy's boy'. He wants cuddles, he wants my attention etc. DC2 was permanently attached to me for the first year at least, she wouldn't be settled by anyone else and after suffering PND with DC1, I welcomed it. I tell people, he's 13 months, he wants me for some reason, whether it be comfort or just to feel secure in the knowledge I'm there if he wants me. He doesn't let me leave the room without getting very upset, he likes me to be with him. He's developing perfectly normally too btw. My older 2 (9 & 7) aren't clingy now, they're brave, outgoing and confident children. I figure, one day he won't want his cuddles and won't 'need' me as much so I'm going to indulge him (and me!) while I can. So you go ahead, you cuddle your dd, you pick her up when she and you want, let her sleep on you, let her find her comfort in you, she's 9 months, not 9 years, it's perfectly normal to be clingy and want their Mum especially when they're poorly!

My little boy was a "clingy" baby, I was the last parent in the playground and i had to stay at every party til he was 6 or 7. He is still quite shy but he is now an absolutely charming, confident, smart, polite 17 year old preparing to go off to uni next year and I don't think I could be prouder of him.

Sounds like your MIL is jealoustough! Totally normal for a 9 month old and at any age reallyI still want my mum sometimes and I'm 34 :) Ignore her or, if you can be bothered with the hassle, tell her to get stuffed!

Of course it's completely normal for babies, and children, to want their mum (or dad or main caregiver) when they're upset - they want the security of that person who knows how to make them feel better!

However, I was back at work before my two were 9mo, and they were (little one still is) looked after one day a week by ILs. So there was an elemenT of "having to learn" to make those attachments with someone else. As far as the 6yo is concerned, no lasting damage done I think 😉

I used to use those situations to my advantage. While they were grizzling and I was present, their GPs (sometimes ILs, sometimes my parents) would try and comfort but I was there if they were having a 'Mom' day.

Your baby. You do what you think is right. MIL can like it or lump it. My DS is 10 months and all about mummy at the moment. If he has had enough of whoever he is with he comes to me. There is no stopping him!
Enjoy your babies, and enjoy the cuddles.

Absolutely normal, your baby has developed object permanence which equals separation anxiety which is totally normal! your mil is jealous sadly.

My five year old still follows me all over the house and gets in my bed. Copes brilliantly at school/does clubs/play dates.
Ignore her - cuddle that baby and enjoy your precious time with her.

It's normal to have seperation anxiety at 9 months and it can be normal to have it at 4. Just depends on your child. Don't let your mil antagonize your dd again - it's horrible to let her baby cry just so she can sooth her own ego.

MIL is being totally unreasonable. Can't believe she walks your DD away when she holds her arms out for you. I think you might have to (nicely, or as pleasantly as you can) set a ground rule or 2. If DD wants Mummy she gets Mummy. Seems very harsh to me to deny baby that. I'd be losing my shit if my MIL did that. She's so wee, still!

She's 9 months old! ALL my children were clingy to me until they were about 2 or 3, and they were all fine going to school. IGNORE IT!

Graphista: You say that like someone who isn't a mother yet shouldn't have an opinion about this - as it happens my baby is due in 8 weeks, and I am giving some thought to how I would like to parent. Nothing wrong with that, is there?

Trifle, I think the point isn't that you can't have an opinion. The point is that you can't have a fully informed opinion because you haven't experienced it yet.

I had lots of theories about how I was going to bring up DD when I was pregnant, many of which have needed to be adjusted as nothing fully prepares you for the reality.

Trifle, you don't just have an opinion, you think you're right, that much is very clear from the tone of your post. No matter how many contrary opinions there are on this thread from those of us who've had our babies and got them through their clingy stage.

I had a friend like you. Full of opinions on what parents should be doing to with their babies and how we were clearly getting it all wrong. When her first baby was a few weeks old, she actually rang me up to say "I'm sorry. I knew nothing, and I was being a total twat. I had no idea how hard this was going to be." Hopefully when your baby and turns your life completely upside down - which they all do, to begin with - you will have the same realisation.