To think it's ok for a 9 month old to be 'clingy'

[Throughautomaticdoors]

My dd is 9 months old (7.5 months corrected if it makes any difference!) and she is very much all me at the moment. If she is tired or a bit under the weather in particular she will only really settle for me.

Mil came over this afternoon and Dd had been fine for most of it but was getting a bit tired by late afternoon and a couple of times cried or crawled after me when I went out the room. Mil kept saying 'you'll have to sort this out Automatic, she'll never cope at school will she.' She's 9 months old! I'm pretty sure by the time she's 4 she won't be crawling after me crying.
I think some of this is because mil would like Dd herself (has said before she likes to pretend the baby is hers) and there have been a number of occasions where dd has been crying and calling me or reaching her arms out when mil has been holding her and mil has walked her away from me saying she needs to learn she can't always have what she wants and get used to not always being with mummy.

I probably have been more protective with her than I was ds because she was prem and poorly and because I've had pnd but she's 9 months! Surely it's ok to want your mum when you're tired / hungry / fed up and you're only 9 months old?

Half of the time expect it's just a way of ensuring you feel guilty and give her up for more cuddles with Granny. Ignore any implied "You're spoiling her/making a rod for your own back!" message.

Your mil is being completely ridiculous and she's totally in the wrong.

Totally normal behaviour! The more you let her "cling" to you at this age the more confident she will be to be without you when she is older.

My 9yo dd was a super clingy baby and is now a very confident big girl. (She still loves a cuddle though )

Both my twins were very clingy at 9 months. It's normal.

Anyone who refused to hand them back to me would have been given short shrift.

They skipped off to school aged 4yo on their first day without a test or a backwards glance.

Having a strong connection with your child makes them more independent later. Not less.

Tear not test!

This makes me furious. Why people want tiny babies not to be dependent on their parents I don't know! Of course she's clingy and so she should be! Can your dh deal with her?

What a nasty MIL. Surely anyone in their right mind gives a crying baby back to its mum or dad.

Completely normal. YANBU

Op no advice but my mil is very similar. I think a lot of it seems to come from being annoyed she can't have the baby all the time. She talks to baby similar way and I with dc1 I bit my tongue and let her take her a lot with dc2 I'm trying to take less crap! Recently whilst she was holding him I noticed he'd done huge wee which had escaped and wet the front of his trousers. Went to take him and she literally pulled him back and said oh you don't need to change him yet he's fine. I just said firmly I know when my baby needs changing and took him. Similar things occur with naps, breastfeeds etc basically anything that means she can't hold him!
Babies are not clingy they're clever-they know the best place to be!

First time my MIL tried this I wrestled him back off her.

"I got this a lot when my DD was a (massively clingy) baby. Told I was spoiling her, she had me wrapped round her little finger. Yet since nursery age she's ran happily in without a backward glance. She knows I'm always there when she needs me, so feels confident enough to not to need me all the time"

Exactly this. I've co slept with both of mine and "extended" breastfeeding. I was told I was spoiling them, ruining them (midwife at 2 days old when I picked him up because he was crying), they'd never be independent blah blah blah. Eldest skipped into reception without a backward glance last month. Both my boys are secure and know they are loved. Why on earth it is encouraged in our culture to separate yourself from baby as much and as soon as possible I do not know. Tell your MIL to butt out or she won't be cuddling baby at all!

It is definitely OK! 9 months is prime separation anxiety time; MIL is a dick much like mine

I can't put it any better than EllsTeeth - dependence leads to independence in the longer term. My DS is just turned 2, we still bf and co-sleep for part of the night and my husband and I have always responded to him ASAP. He goes to nursery 4 days a week and runs in every morning now.

perfectly normal.

the more you reassure her now the more likely she is to get over it read in time for school.

I'm just going to agree with everyone else on this thread!
My toddler has been very clingy. Didn't let me wee on my own for two years, still likes to wait outside the door!
He's 2 1/2 now and quite confident in himself. A lot more confident than my 6 year old who wasn't at all a clingy baby.

Perfectly normal and shows healthy attachment. You get another dose of it when they approach 2. Meeting their needs it how you get confident, happy children when they get older - my DDs both went through the clingy phase and are now happy, confident and independent teens who have always been happy to go away overnight with school, stay at friends and be adventurous.

And your MIL is crazy.

I feel sorry for these MILs. She was raised on that old-fashioned, outdated, disproven crap about 'teaching babies whose boss', and 'not spoiling them' and all the rest and probably applied that to her own children. Now her regret is coming through in HER clinginess to YOUR baby and her repetition of this bad advice. My MIL can be the same, and it killed me until I realized they're trying to convince themselves as much as the person they're talking to.

Sounds exactly like my MIL!
I'm actually relieved to read this and all the lovely - and totally right! - replies.

My DD is 12 months and MIL and SIL both hold on to her when she starts crying and try to walk her away and even once took her away from me out into the garden "so that I couldn't hear her".
I went and got her back!

We're still very happily bf'ing at night and they cannot get their heads round this. In fact, they blame all manner of non-existent and unrelated woes (eg having flu ) on this!

So much so that last night MIL told DH that DD just needed to be given a chocolate biscuit when she wants to bf before bedtime ...
Apparently that will stop her feeding and I'll be 'relieved'.

So no, YANBU at all - the opposite and you have actually inspired me to be far feistier to mine!
Somehow reading a description of the very behaviour my MIL is guilty of all the time has brought me more to my senses!

I know for my MIL it is rooted in the fact that her whole identity is enmeshed in being a wife and a mother and as a grandmother that has now been expanded and extrapolated into all-round baby whisperer (she hopes).
So she thinks not only that the baby should be left by its mother but that she can absolutely make things better and not allowing her to do so is somehow a personal slight... Sigh.

DD is DC3 and I wish I had been more assertive with MIL with my first two DCs... Planning to make up for it now!

YANBU. These awful selfish (grand)mothers and MILs who expect to use their children's children to fulfil their needs and leave the child's mother doubting herself make me very angry.

ParisPreMom - yes, that is so true!
You've put it perfectly. Sad but utterly right.

Well done, toomuchribbon! It took me having my second to buck up the courage as well. A chocolate biscuit to prevent BF, wow. It's so saddening to see how this generation of women is so anti-BF and attachment-type parenting. Saying this without any sarcasm, it must have been hell for them back then. Certainly seems that way when you read baby guides from the 50s/60s and realize it was more important to leave your baby crying and go fix your husband a scotch when he got home from his exhausting office job.

She's a baby, of course she's clingy.

Yes to different generational ideas, it really does cause a lot of parenting tension.

Your mil is right in that your dd will need to become less "clingy" (awful description for a baby) but she will do it gradually and she will take as long as she needs! You are her mother and I'm assuming have been with her near constantly though maternity leave, she is going to be well attached to you and she should be. You are where she feels safe and it would be worth reminding your mil that your dd isn't going to be very fond of the person who takes her away from her mummy and can't stop her crying!

I'm going to go against the grain a bit here and say I do think there is such a thing as a 9 month old being too clingy. I am definitely going to encourage my little girl to spend time with other family members and won't be complaining if my MIL wants to try to settle her... Obviously if it takes the piss and she is distressed it will be a different story, but I want to be able to put her down and go for a bath when I need to.

Each to their own of course.

My 1 year old is very clingy. They grow out of it! She's probably annoyed that she couldn't get attention of the little one.

Oh please, I'm closer to 40 than 30 but there is still nothing like a mother's hug .

Even with a DH & 2 DS, my mother will always be my mother .

Tell your MIL to go jump.

Did not RTFT btw, just my opinion