Invited to a wedding, can't bring DD... :( AIBU to tell her it's her coming too or I won't be there?

[FireplacePick]

DD is only 9 months, she's our only child.

I do often leave DD with my mum (when I'm at work for a couple of hours) and I'm fine with it.

DH can't come to the wedding anyway, as he is working away. It's in a different country (the wedding) but not exactly far, but need to go on a plane. It's my best friend, so I'd rather not miss it, she is like my sister. No children are allowed... it clearly says on the invite. There's a massive apology that babies and small children cannot attend. I'm assume a few teens will be there (she has a lot of family that are about 12+). Of course it's her wedding and she can invite who she likes, but I don't think I'm happy to leave DD with my mum for 4 days and nights... 1) not sure it's fair on my mum 2) I don't particularly want to leave her for that long on her own, as she definitely can't settle properly (at night) without me

I literally feel so sick.

Your last post makes you sound like an absolute arse, op. Completely unwarranted.

I've just seen your update. I'm very sorry about your Mum.

This is obviously a very stressful and difficult time for your family.

My previous post still stands though, you have to decline, disappointing as it is.

Yes, I am sorry about your Mum. Have been there with both terminally ill Mum and MIL. It's shit.

And this is AIBU it is always harsh. Because the answer is either yes or no, and this is MN, we don't beat around the bush. We tell you like it is. And frankly there have been thousands of childless wedding threads over the years.

Sorry about your mum. That was a big dripfeed though and if you had said that in the first place you wouldn't of had so many replies that didn't really apply to you.

If your mum's terminally ill you can't really leave the baby with her either I'd imagine for a night or two.

Is there literally no one else who could have dd? Your dhs family or close friends? Even for a night?

If the answers no then you really have no option just to simply decline. It's not the end of the world it's only one day and I'm sure as her friend you will be around her for future highs and lows throughout her marriage to support her.

FlamingoSnuffle

wow, what makes people such arse holes on here. she posted her mum is terminally ill and you fucking say that she is "flouncing".

nice, really fucking nice. must feel so good to write shitty hurtful posts to anonymous people online, wow

It didn't make you sound like an arse.

I wouldn't want to leave either my baby or my mum in your situation. Buy your friend a lovely present instead x

Floggingmolly have some compassion.

YANBU unreasonable to be sad about missing your friends wedding.

YANBU to decline because you can't leave your baby

YWB massively U to issue her with an ultimatum, and extremely rude. If you did that to me I wouldn't be reconsidering our friendship.

stopfuckingshoutingatme

She leaves her DD when she goes to work. If OP goes for a day or two days, what's the difference? Sorry, but it sounds like OP thinks she should be above the rules and is coming up with excuses now.

As I said, I had and still have a clingy child. I wish I had the luxury of being able to worry about leaving him with his grandparents, but I didn't. DP had no choice but to go on deployment and I had to go back to work after 6 months because we literally couldn't afford for me to keep off work. It's not something I loved doing, but we both got over it and have an excellent relationship now and always have done.

OP is being very PFB.

You can't go. Simple.

I wouldn't leave my baby at 9 months Fairly sure you wouldn't find a child psychologist who would either I'd do as a pp said and decline but explain why.

I would tell you friend that you are sorry but you don't want to leave your daughter for that amount of time. Wish her all the best for the day.

No big deal. It's just a wedding.

I'm sorry I suggested your mum going too, obviously I didnt know.

It is pretty clear you can't go. Personally I wouldnt leave a clingy baby who might not settle at night with your mum or anyone for that matter.

I'm sure your friend will understand. You could plan a meet up with the couple, you and DD at later date?

MypocketsarelikeNarnia

Please explain the legions of women who are not able to afford to stay off work after their maternity leave? Someone has to look after their kids. As I said, DS1 and DS2 were with their grandparents from 7-1 every day until they were about 2, except for when DP wasn't on deployment. We had no other choice. I don't really care what child psychologists say - they need to live in the real world. Both our kids turned out absolutely fine. If anything, it just prepared them for the fact that parents have to make sacrifices to give you the things they want in life. Plus, DS1 and DS2 don't find it hard as some kids do when their dad is away for 9 months of the year.

Your two apparent options are:

1. Tell your best friend that you're really sorry, but you can't go because it's a baby/child-free wedding, you have a 9-month-old baby, the wedding is abroad, your DH is overseas and your Mum is terminally ill. 100% REASONABLE.

2. Tell your best friend "my daughter is coming too or I won't be there". 100% NOT REASONABLE.

I think the above is quite clear, and it doesn't really warrant more than 1 second of thought to arrive at the same conclusion.

If she's a really good friend OP I would be tempted to send her a text/email first and say:

Just wanted to let you know before posting the formal RSVP, but DH is away the week of the wedding so I won't be able to leave DD for 4 nights to attend. Gutted I won't be there, but I hope you have a fantastic day and I cannot wait to see the pictures! Love you heaps, Fireplace x

You're not guilting her into anything, you're just opening the lines of communication and making sure she understands why you can't go, rather than her simply receiving a 'no' on the RSVP - which she might get upset about if she doesn't understand why

It's gutting for you that you won't be there, but no children at her wedding is a call she's had to make. As is getting married abroad (I assume?) - 4 nights away is a massive ask of people's finances and family commitments. She may very well have a lot of people unable to attend.

I think looking after a child for a few hours is very different to overnight.

It's two choices. You accept the invite (without your baby) or you don't go.

I'm just really surprised! When she was first born she was all with me about not leaving her.
That was then, this is now. Friend is not going to book her wedding plans around your child. If you were expecting anything different YABU to think so.

I would go. Your DD will be okay with your DM. I would do a few sleepover trial runs running up to the wedding - piece of mind for you and giving your DD some experience of being with her DGM for longer than 24 hours.
Baby will never ever know. It's not abandonment. It's a mini break so to speak. You can be there for your friend's special day but whether you can relax and enjoy yourself once you are there, well that is up to you.
Would you be accepting this invitation if you didn't have a baby at home? Just asking.

(Laptop isn't loading any pages other than page one , again)

Bowie I think the OP is upset that she can't go to her good friend's wedding.

It's a dilemma- it doesn't mean she thinks she's "above the rules". It just means she's struggling to face:

1. not going
2. telling her friend she's not going
3. the fa t her friend hasn't realised on her own she won't be able to come.

None of that is unusual or uncommon nor is it particularly PFB.

If your mum is too sick to fly, then it would probably not be wise to base your plans on her being well enough to look after an 11-month old for 4 days and nights in 2 months time.

OP, I'd like to point out that the 1st time I left mine for 5 days, my youngest was 16.....!! I just have never enjoyed leaving them, and family trips/holidays have always included them. There is no way on earth I'd leave a baby for 4/5 days, even less so by travelling overseas. I just wouldn't enjoy it. And your friend knows you have a baby, she's basically saying either it's her or your child. And there's only 1 answer isn't there. I'd chalk it up to experience, and enjoy being a mum.

I know shes a close friend, but she chose to have her wedding abroad and she has chosen to have the wedding child free. She will be perfectly aware that this will mean that quite a few people wont be able to go, and if she isnt, then she will soon.

I would just tell her that youre really sorry, that you would have LOVED to have been there, but theres just no way you can leave your baby for that long and theres no way around it, but you hope she has a wonderful time, and that you can get together soon for a mini celebration x

OP Im sorry about your Mum but I agree some of the responses may have been different if you had said this initially.

AmeliaJack

I realise that but surely the phrase "either I don't come or DD does" is a bit PFB? Seems to suggest her daughter isn't like other kids and should therefore be allowed OR the OP thinks she is the most important person to the couple and should be allowed to break their rules.

None of it sounded like she was worried about upsetting her friend. To me, at least.

Bloody hell that got mean quickly. FWIW OP I wouldn't leave a 9 month old for 4 nights - just left my 8 month old for one night and that was fine, but I had to hotfoot back to breastfeed her as she refused bottles the whole time. No one should make you feel guilty for not wanting to leave her, but you should just gently tell your friend why you won't be able to go.