Invited to a wedding, can't bring DD... :( AIBU to tell her it's her coming too or I won't be there?

[FireplacePick]

DD is only 9 months, she's our only child.

I do often leave DD with my mum (when I'm at work for a couple of hours) and I'm fine with it.

DH can't come to the wedding anyway, as he is working away. It's in a different country (the wedding) but not exactly far, but need to go on a plane. It's my best friend, so I'd rather not miss it, she is like my sister. No children are allowed... it clearly says on the invite. There's a massive apology that babies and small children cannot attend. I'm assume a few teens will be there (she has a lot of family that are about 12+). Of course it's her wedding and she can invite who she likes, but I don't think I'm happy to leave DD with my mum for 4 days and nights... 1) not sure it's fair on my mum 2) I don't particularly want to leave her for that long on her own, as she definitely can't settle properly (at night) without me

I literally feel so sick.

So glad it is sorted fireplace and sorry about your mum.

Erm, none of you have any idea what I said to her, so stop being so quick to judge me I haven't 'got my own way' as it was already planned that my DD was coming and she assumed I knew that. All I did was say why I wouldn't be able to come when I saw her the next day. She told me to not be so silly, as my DD is coming and so is a few of her family's children and explain why she put it on the invite.

VANGO- I stand by every word. When I saw the thread title ( which contained an ultimatum to bride ) I started following it as I actually thought it was a guest invited to my niece's forthcoming wedding in Italy. In DN's case she issued Save The Date cards a year before the date and stated clearly and politely that there would be no children or babies, that there would no offence taken should anyone not be able to attend and that they would catch up after the Big Day. Only ONE guest contacted bride at that point and said she would be unable to attend as her twins would be only 6 months old. Fast forward a year and the actual invitations are issued and my DN has spent the past month fielding texts, emails and phone calls from parents pleading that they are the exception. It has caused the bride no end of stress as she prepares for what should be the happiest day of her life and her mother and I are furious with the entitled parents.
VANGO- the OP did not have a dilemma ; she knew the rules but , most importantly, the bride knew that her close friend might not be able to attend but still stuck to her plans. Her wedding. Her rules. The OP was clearly determined to get her own way which is why I said what I said. BTW I know that the OP isn't talking about the same bride as my niece is holding firm. I just find it incredible that so many people think they have a right to take their children to weddings where they are not welcome!

Agree with old.

Op you'd have literally thrown your own toys out of your pram if you'd not been able to take your baby DD. Quite clear from your first few posts!!!

Why did you post an AIBU if it was "already planned your DD was coming and bride assumed you knew that"??!!

Super, why are you being silly? I obviously didn't know it was planned she was coming, I only knew when I asked her and she said "when I invite you, I'm inviting X too"

Old Our problem here is that we're both looking at this particular OP from our own recent perspective.

I've been on the receiving end of invitations from two siblings, both abroad weddings, no children, no exceptions. I'd never ask, or expect that my children be invited, but I've endured the fallout of declining for childcare reasons.

The title of her opening post was probably badly worded but I don't think it's right to call her an 'entitled brat'.

Old, you may be projecting the tiniest of bits here.

Glad it's all worked out well, Fireplace. Enjoy the wedding!

You obviously love drama OP or can't talk to a close friend about this.

Best to stir it up here eh?? Enjoy the wedding

Super Her opening post wasn't in the least bit dramatic. The fact that she was leapt on so resoundingly, called names and mocked for her attachment to her only baby is what caused the thread to go awry.

She was repeatedly told that under no circumstances should she mention her difficulties to the bride for fear of spoiling 'her special day'! Sensible people suggested the opposite and that's how it was resolved.

She was worried about upsetting bride etc... If she'd talked to Bride (seeing as they're best mates) then no need to post here!

She felt so sick... And then brought her terminally ill mother into the equation when that wasn't really relevant to the OP.

I can't understand how op couldn't ask her friend herself... but that's me.

And then brought her terminally ill mother into the equation when that wasn't really relevant to the OP.

WTF have none of you people read the thread? There were DOZENS of people asking "why can't you take your mum?" and then ridiculous posters getting shirty that she was avoiding the question. When she did answer, after all that pushing, people accused her of "drip feeding" and even of making it up.

This thread is bizarre.

After lots and lots and lotsof comments telling the OP to bring her Mum to the wedding how the fuck is it a drip feed to tell us she cannot because the woman is terminally ill. Are OPs meant to predict every response before posting. Her mums health only became pertinent when people kept saying to bring her, that thought probably never even crossed the OPs mind because her mum is terminally ill. This thread is utter shit. People have been saying for quite some time that MN is getting nastier and nastier well this is absolutely the nastiest thread I have ever read on here

Spot on

I would give it a miss. You can go celebrate with her later and take your child along.

Just don't go. What a hassle to expect someone to book flights and leave their child for days on end. And in December when everyone is skint!
I personally hate childless weddings, nothing but inconvenience for parents when all the babysitters are at the sodding wedding anyway!
Yes it would be unfair to your child and your mum, it wouldn't be much fun going on your own anyway.
Just apologise and don't make a big deal out of it. She decided to have the childless wedding so she should expect that not everyone can go.

Super Maybe because of advice like this?...

Just say your not going and wish them well- all sorted!

And perhaps because of all the exhortations not to guilt-trip the bride? To respect the wording of the invitation?

The calmer, more rational posters did indeed advise a chat but those posts were overshadowed slightly by all the vitriol.

Jassy I may well get projecting a bit . The point I was trying (and clearly failed) to make was that the OP decided her wishes were paramount which is what is happening with my DN. I am seeing a lovely young woman in tears because so- called friends are pushing to have their children at an adults only wedding,in fact one couple have told DN they are taking their children and that's that . The fact that they are relatives is causing huge rows.

Not sure why people are saying can't leave a 9 month old for 4 nights. The child will be with a grandparent. Perfectly safe and will probably have a whale of time. We left our DS with grandma for 3 nights at that exact age. Doubt he even noticed we were missing

Busy it's not about whether the baby minds. (Though mine certainly would have) Or whether the Grandparent minds (though the OPs Mum is very unwell) It's whether the Mum minds leaving her baby overnight.

And she does, which is fine.

You didn't mind, which is also fine.

People are different.

Where is your husband in all of this. Something so important surely he should take leave/cancel his business trip. Why is it always the mum who has to do the caring ?

Don't worry Fire, some people like to be overly harsh when they have a keyboard to hide behind, for what purpose I don't know.

I would not have travelled abroad and left my 9mth old baby unless it was totally unavoidable. I would also never have left them with a 'local babysitter' neither of us had ever met. Some would, and that is fine, but I wouldn't and I suspect you wouldn't either. I think you need to explain to your friend how sorry you are that you won't be there, but don't try and guilt her or get into convoluted reasoning about why you won't leave the baby. You are not willing to, and you are genuinely sorry that means you won't be able to attend.

Massive x post. Good news op

Something so important surely he should take leave/cancel his business trip.

It's a friend's wedding. Not life-saving surgery. If my DH asked me to take (up to 4 days) leave/cancel a business trip so that he could attend his friend's wedding I'd be very amused. The OP hasn't said exactly where he is and nor does she need to. She's explained that it's not an option.