Invited to a wedding, can't bring DD... :( AIBU to tell her it's her coming too or I won't be there?

[FireplacePick]

DD is only 9 months, she's our only child.

I do often leave DD with my mum (when I'm at work for a couple of hours) and I'm fine with it.

DH can't come to the wedding anyway, as he is working away. It's in a different country (the wedding) but not exactly far, but need to go on a plane. It's my best friend, so I'd rather not miss it, she is like my sister. No children are allowed... it clearly says on the invite. There's a massive apology that babies and small children cannot attend. I'm assume a few teens will be there (she has a lot of family that are about 12+). Of course it's her wedding and she can invite who she likes, but I don't think I'm happy to leave DD with my mum for 4 days and nights... 1) not sure it's fair on my mum 2) I don't particularly want to leave her for that long on her own, as she definitely can't settle properly (at night) without me

I literally feel so sick.

Bowiefan can you not see the difference between childcare from which your primary cater picks you up and drops you off and your parent disappearing for 4 days?

The op isn't in your situation, she doesn't HAVE to leave her child so it doesn't make much sense to advise her to do so based on your experience tbh.

Christmon a bike. There's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to leave a nine month old alone for even one night. None of my friends have left their babies at that age, even with grandparents.

However, obviously you can't go to the wedding OP. I'd tell her soon, otherwise you'll just worry and worry about it.

I think people who haven't had children don't always realise that you can't always get someone to look after them. Not everyone has willing and able grandparents or friends.

So I think it's reasonable to say why - otherwise she might think you've gone off her!

It's a disappointment yes. bowie is more than lucky that her mum is able to do that for her. Not all of us have that option.

Not Christmon. I don't know who he is. Christ. That's the fella.

Why not see if you can book a babysitter near the wedding venue? You could possibly share with another family to keep the cost down.

Why four nights? Just go for one. I'm sure bride will understand that your poorly mum can only do one night.
Surely you don't have to stay 4 nights it's a bit daft.
If it's your best friend then you should go, you will enjoy it I'm sure.

I wouldn't leave my baby that long either, one night was fine though. Your friend chose to get married abroad so will have to accept a low turnout! Definitely don't take your baby to the wedding...

Why four nights? Just go for one. I'm sure bride will understand that your poorly mum can only do one night.
Surely you don't have to stay 4 nights it's a bit daft.
If it's your best friend then you should go, you will enjoy it I'm sure.

Sorry to hear your mum is terminally ill.

I assume you must have backup childcare though, as your mum must often have appointments or occasions when she is not well enough to look after a baby. Depending where the wedding is, you can get hotel childcare arranged or sort it out through a local agency; it would only need to be for a few hours, as I assume you wouldn't want to leave your daughter for much longer than the ceremony and breakfast considering that she is clingy etc. Otherwise perhaps your DH could look to take some time off work to look after his daughter?

I went on a hen do abroad when dd was that age they all stayed 5 nights I stated 2. No issues had a great time. Boosted my confidence no end as was so worried about leaving her.
You'll be fine

Haven't RTFT but anybody getting married abroad has to accept that a fair number of people won't be able to attend, for whatever reason.

If you don't want to leave your baby then you will be one of them - and that's fine.

Okay. Am up-to-date now

Message friend to tell her you can't accept invitation (and why your DM and DH can't babysit) is perfectly reasonable.
Persuading friend into having a baby as a guest, when she has specifically stated no is pushing your luck rude
Friend will understand. If she doesn't well, then she doesn't.
You can't please everyone in this scenario. You can only politely decline and explain your reasons why. Then leave it be.

Oh heck OP, I've just read your update and I'm so sorry

Of course we weren't to know that but I feel like a complete heel for shouting at you now

Take care

Would your mum be able to go with you in order to babysit when you are at the wedding? You could all go sight seeing or have lunch together the next day.

Man some people really have their claws out!!
OP, tell your friend you are really sorry but you can't make it, and tell her why. If she is as good a friend a you think she is she will respect your decision and not make you feel uncomfortable about your parenting choices. She may suggest you do bring DD but I don't think it is wise to ask, wait for her to offer.

FWIW I still don't want to leave DS overnight and he is nearly 2! I am happy with that decision though and nobody has made me feel bad about it.

MyPocketsAreLikeNarnia

When DS1 and DS2 were 10 months old, I had to leave them with my DSis when I went on a training course for work for 5 days. They survived. My point is, as long as it's not a regular thing, it'll be fine.

Headofthehive55

If my parents or DP's parents weren't in a position to look after them, we were looking at private childcare or an au pair. It's more common than you think.

Bowie the original OP was not well worded I grant you. But now we understand that the OP is going through a highly emotional family situation it's kind to give her the benefit of the doubt and be nice and helpful.

Op I think you are getting abut of a hard time here.

Obviously it should go without saying that you can't start issuing ultimatums to your friend about bringing the baby.

BUT...if it is, as you make it sound, you've been involved in discussions and planning about attending (you say the 4 nights is 'booked', there has been discussion about whether you can be bridesmaid or not). Then your best friend drops it into the invite 'sorry no babies' - that's a bit shitty and you're entitled to be pissed off about the way she has handled it.

In all probability she probably wrapped up in wedding planning and hasn't twigged that by making a 'no babies' rule she's basically excluded her best friend from the wedding.

That doesn't mean you can or should put pressure on her to change her mind.

I'd message her and say something like.

Just got the wedding invite - I hadn't realised that there would be no children or babies allowed. I've tried to think of a way I can still come, but with DH away and Mum being unable to fly I've got no options. I'm so sorry, I will be absolutely gutted to miss your special day.'...and see how she responds. Just don't get angry or entitled about it as this is the way friendships get wrecked.

Stop - she didn't say her mother was ill beforehand.

My ds is one and I've never left him for a night either. It's ok to not leave them, don't be made to feel bad for that!

But... child free does mean that. We totted up how many kids would be there if we invited everyone's children and it meant we'd have to cut 70% of the adult guests.

Plus frankly it was our wedding and we wanted an adult do. I was not offended in the least when a few folk said sorry but they couldn't come.

Don't guilt the bride - child free means child free. You could take dd with you and see if the hotel has a childminding service? Some do and I know people who have done this for weddings etc.

If you can't make it, just tell the bride you're sorry but can't get childcare. Send a nice card.

Take your mum with you and only leave DD with her for the wedding.

You say your friend was all in favour of you not leaving the baby when she was born. You're now making the mistake of thinking that your childless friend has the first idea about the restrictions babies put on your life. Ofcourse she was all gooey over the new baby, nine months down the line the novelty's worn off and she thinks you can just put it in a wardrobe for the weekend! You're understandably not comfortable with leaving your baby but you ate being jaw droppingly rude to consider issuing your friend with a stroppy ultimatum. Just decline the invitation with good grace and move on. You are clearly not willing to entertain any scenario which doesn't place your baby first and it is wholly unreasonable to expect to be able to dictate someone else's wedding organisation.

Not everyone has willing and able grandparents or friends.

THIS. With knobs on.

The way my DM goes on at time, you'd think I was extracting teeth rather than asking for a couple of hours of an evening. Her view is "I raised my kids. I love your DC, but I'm done with that part of life." FWIW she had very few people to ever babysit for her so now believes parents should fend for themselves like she had to.

OP politely decline and explain why. If she is a really good friend she may be disappointed, but should understand that with no DH and terminally ill DM that it's not an option for you. If she can't understand that then she shouldn't have had a wedding abroad.

I didn't leave DS to go to a friend's wedding for 2 nights 3 days until he was 6. He stayed with XDP, his Dad. But I wouldn't have trusted XDP to look after him well enough until DS was at least 5! This year there was another child free friend's wedding that my whole family was invited to, but as I am now NC with XDP I had to decline. Thankfully every family wedding I've been to has happily welcomed kids.

Ridiculous abuse u have got on this thread.

In actual real life people are sane and want to discuss things that matter to their friends. Tell your frind uou can't leave your little one so won't be able to make it and you are gutted but just not possible.

Leave it up to her to respond.

I just got married and said no kids apart from family. A few people asked if they cpuld bring kids because of childcsre and I said yes. That is normal !

Only crazy Internet people would be angry about that perfectly normal discussion

OP there must be a way. You say that she's like a sister to you so it's worth thinking it out again:

1. your friend is having a child free wedding and the invitation is clear.
2. You have a 9 month old who doesn't settle well without you.
3. You have no-one who can babysit for 4 days and it's too long anyway. 4)Your DH is working away.
4. Your DM is too ill to fly.
5. It's a plane journey to the wedding so you were planning on going for 4 days/nights.

You can't demand that your child attends.
You can't be separated from your child for 4 days and nights.
Thoughts/questions:
Could your DH come home for a long weekend. Your DC may be unsettled but he'll be with a parent.
Could you shorten the trip to 2 days/2 nights: would that help the essential problem at all?
Could someone else come with you to look after your child during the wedding?
Is professional childcare available at the venue/in the area? Could the bride help you to arrange that so you can be with your child overnight but not during the wedding?
Most of us weren't trying to be harsh OP; just trying to find a way without you having to ask your friend to change her wedding; that's why so many asked about your Mum as you had mentioned her for childcare in your OP.