Invited to a wedding, can't bring DD... :( AIBU to tell her it's her coming too or I won't be there?

[FireplacePick]

DD is only 9 months, she's our only child.

I do often leave DD with my mum (when I'm at work for a couple of hours) and I'm fine with it.

DH can't come to the wedding anyway, as he is working away. It's in a different country (the wedding) but not exactly far, but need to go on a plane. It's my best friend, so I'd rather not miss it, she is like my sister. No children are allowed... it clearly says on the invite. There's a massive apology that babies and small children cannot attend. I'm assume a few teens will be there (she has a lot of family that are about 12+). Of course it's her wedding and she can invite who she likes, but I don't think I'm happy to leave DD with my mum for 4 days and nights... 1) not sure it's fair on my mum 2) I don't particularly want to leave her for that long on her own, as she definitely can't settle properly (at night) without me

I literally feel so sick.

Previous conversations don't really matter though, the invitation says no babies so that's that.

TBH if you have your wedding somewhere that people have to fly (I'm assuming that she is getting married overseas here, apologies if wrong) and no children, you expect a number of people to not be able to make it and you weigh this up when making your plans.

I couldn't attend my oldest friend's wedding, because it was a no children wedding and we had very very recently adopted a DC so couldn't leave them with anyone. She offered to make an exception, but I declined, as a) I didn't want to intrude by forcing her to have a different wedding than they wanted; and b) I didn't want to be the only one there with a DC, especially as we didn't know how they would behave. It still pains me to this day, and our friendship did take a little hit over it, TBH. But without getting all mummy martyrish about it, having DC does mean sacrifices and not being able to do everything, including attending non-DC weddings.

Ds is getting married next year. We totalled up the number of children for guests and it was 42!!! No way could we afford or would want 42 kids running around at what is essentially a formal adult do.

You either go and leave her or don't. Simple. If you were her real friend you would understand it's her wedding her choice and presumably her budget.

YABU to tell the bride that your DD is coming or else you aren't. It is her wedding, she is fully aware you have a young child and she has specifically chosen not to invite her. Just be a civil adult about it and decline the invite. Say you can't go because of DD and childcare, but you would love to meet up to do something special to celebrate on a different occasion. After all, this is your best friend who is like a sister, so you don't want to fall out.

farm your brat off

Are you fucking kidding me?

you chose to be so inseparable from your child

Oh, did I? You clearly haven't had a clingy dc

Don't be ridiculous . It's not a straight decision between not going, and going for four nights. Go for one night if you want to, or don't go at all. Your baby is not invited, full stop.

You know what's more obvious though, is it saying in big letters on the invite that they don't want babies there!

Talk to your friend. Have a chat.

We had no children at our wedding apart from our 4 small nieces. Even close friends we said sorry no kids. The venue had limited capacity and the venue/type of do we wanted was not suitable for small kids. It was a tough decision to know that some of our friends probably wouldn't come because of it, but it was our day and compromise had to be made somewhere. It really was nothing against our friends (or their kids).

So don't guilt trip or blackmail your friend I'm sure it's been a hard enough decision already. Talk to her rationally about the no kids thing. Let her know you really want to be there but at the moment you are unsure about leaving DD for so long.

Have you ever been to a wedding where there are babies and small children OP?

Its often bloody awful. For the bride and groom, for the parents of the children, for the other guests. Now, some couples are happy with the level of disruption and accept it. Even welcome it as part and parcel.

But some couples would prefer not to have their one big, special day taken over by rampaging/bored/tired/teething smallies. And even some parents relish the idea of a "day off" to kick up their heels, have a drink and socialise with other adults.

Everyone knows it isn't the child's fault they are not enjoying a wedding ceremony or dinner; nor does it mean child-free weddings are exclusively populated by child hating maniacs.

It's just what the B&G prefer for their special day. Respect their wishes or don't go. It's as simple as that.
(Also don't get why a wedding is close enough to travel in-country, but takes 4 days?)

I would do what 2cats suggests. As she is your best friend I think this deserves a conversation rather than a written RSVP. Not sure how you feel about taking your mum or getting a local babysitter-if you really want to go, you might look into those options first but if they don't work then you will need to regretfully decline, but in person or on the phone I think.

It's not close enough to travel in the country? It's in a different country

YABU to insist thst dd be invited. However youre not being unreasonsble not to go. If you dont want to leave her. Thats your prerogative. Your baby comes before anything, their wedding included.
I think a lot of people may be declining to be honest.
Some people are not able to get baby sitters.
Some won't let others mind their children
Some children won't stay with anyone other than their parents.
Some are like I was. Love me love my baby. If she wasn't invited. I wouldn't go.

Fair enough, thanks everyone.

Gosh, this site is really harsh

To be honest children are a massive pain at weddings generally anyway.

Why don't you just call your close friend and say nicely that you didn't realise it was going to be a child-free wedding and you're not sure you can attend as you can't get child care.

That gives her the opportunity to give you a pass or say she's really sorry. Job done.

This is an issue that's come up 10,000 times on MN alone.

Can't you take your mum and DD with you, so they're in the hotel but having a nice time on their own?

It wouldn't be much of a break with just you and a 9 month old in a hotel for four nights anyway. You'd need an extra pair of hands there.

Could you go for just one night? Fly out early on the day of the wedding, back the following day? Would you feel comfortable leaving your DD for that amount of time? Surely not every guest is staying for the full 4 days?
Or take your mum with you and make a mini break of it?

If neither of these are possible, just politely decline the invitation. Don't make your friend feel bad about it, it's just the way it has to be if your friend wants a child free wedding.

I do have a clingy child actually. That child does and will go to grandma's when we need them to. It's a lifeline I wasn't prepared to compromise on, I wasn't prepared to let my life stop just because I had kids. I totally accept some people do differently, but you should be aware that it is an active choice.

clingy babies/kids often turn into completely happy babies/kids once the separation bit is over. Talk to any teacher or nursery worker. You don't have an unusual baby, but you do make a choice about how you deal with it.

I wouldn't really look at it as a break, so I wouldn't need an extra pair of hands

I don't know why people are being so mean about it. Of course it's really hard to feel that you might not be able to attend the wedding of a friend who's like your sister.
The only solution I can think of is one that someone else suggested, that you and your mum both stay in accommodation close to the wedding, then you can pop to the wedding and only be away from your baby a short time.
Your friend is of course entitled to have a child free wedding, and you need to respect that. However I guess part of that decision might mean that friends of hers can't go to her wedding if they can't get childcare and she needs to understand that too! I wouldn't have wanted to leave my child for four days at nine months. It's bizarre some people thinking you can just hand over your baby to a family member and expect them to settle down at night ok. Some babies would be laid back and ok with that but doesn't mean it works for everyone.

Your options are: your DH changes his plans and goes with you to look after DD while you attend; your DH changes his plans and stays home with DD and you go alone for a short a time as possible; your mum helps from her home/your home/travels with you; or you don't go.

Especially if DD is bottle fed, leaving her for one night with her father or grandmother could work.

What about your mum going with you?

Gosh, this site is really harsh

Sometimes, yes, however you did ask of you were being unreasonable to say to your friend your daughter was coming or you wouldn't be. Some friend you are, especially when the invite clearly stated no children were invited and had a paragraph in explaining why.