Invited to a wedding, can't bring DD... :( AIBU to tell her it's her coming too or I won't be there?

[FireplacePick]

DD is only 9 months, she's our only child.

I do often leave DD with my mum (when I'm at work for a couple of hours) and I'm fine with it.

DH can't come to the wedding anyway, as he is working away. It's in a different country (the wedding) but not exactly far, but need to go on a plane. It's my best friend, so I'd rather not miss it, she is like my sister. No children are allowed... it clearly says on the invite. There's a massive apology that babies and small children cannot attend. I'm assume a few teens will be there (she has a lot of family that are about 12+). Of course it's her wedding and she can invite who she likes, but I don't think I'm happy to leave DD with my mum for 4 days and nights... 1) not sure it's fair on my mum 2) I don't particularly want to leave her for that long on her own, as she definitely can't settle properly (at night) without me

I literally feel so sick.

sorry for some of the responses on here op, some people have no manners or empathy.
dc is your first child so it's still new to you of course, but there are some good responses to your problem even so.
if dm can't go with you then maybe you do need to give this a miss your bf will be upset but if she will understand if you are that close. if you decide to go and for dm to care for dd, then dm will manage with her. babies are adapatable and will sleep eventually no matter who is caring for them. dm had you so she'll know tricks of the trade. don't let some of these stupid remarks get to you.

Posters are harsh!

Can you invite your Mum and turn it into a trip for the 3 of you?
Your Mum could mind her on the day/night of wedding. You and your Mum could stay in same accomodation. You could be bridesmaid?

Big ask of your Mum.

Check this set up is ok with bride but dont try and bend rules/pressure her. It is clear on invite. If she wanted you to bring your baby she would have asked you. She doesnt want the baby there.

It's an invite, you are required to attend if you don't wish.

Just say your not going and wish them well- all sorted!

What ever you do don't be one of those that do the whole guilt trip thing to try and take your baby

Well, tbh, yes I have given up my life to focus on my DD, so I won't just leave her for 4 nights to grow out of her clinginess, obviously you're different.

You literally feel sick?

Jesus. It's a Wedding. Just don't go

Don't get all anxious about it

I have the same situation next year. My baby will be around 5 months old and the wedding is in Tenerife. My OH is attending the wedding with me and we've offered to pay for my mum to come with us. She will look after baby while we are at the wedding. It's a simple solution!

I second what a PP said, see if youe mum can come with you then she can babysit whilst you are at the wedding and that will minimise the separation between you and your baby.

As I see it that is the only solution - if your Mum is kind enough to travel with you.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia

you sound like a fucking sweetheart

you cant go, simples. you cant find anyone that will take your baby for 4 nights- shit happens!

There's no way you'd be able to do bridesmaid duties with a 9 month old on your sole hands anyway.

When DS was that age I was asked to be a godparent. I took my mum with me just becuase I needed my hands free for my godparenting duties. I'm sure the parents didn't want my DS kicking off at the font because I wasn't giving him my full attention!

I don't think it's unusual that you don't want to leave your baby for that long but that means you can't go to the wedding I'm afraid.

My son is only 10 weeks but I highly doubt I'd be leaving him for 4 nights when he's 9 months old. 9 months is the height of separation anxiety.

But yes ywbu to say to your friend that your baby has to come. Graciously turn down the invite giving the reason why if you have to in an apologetic manner. Send a card and gift if you would have given one anyway.

She knows you have a baby. She's probably going to guess that you won't be thrilled at the idea of leaving your baby for 4 days. It's unlikely to come as a massive surprise if you decline the invite because your baby's not invited.

It may be that there's tons of people with babies and small children on the invite list, and she feels that she can't let yours come without letting all the others come.

But, regardless of her reasons, the choice you have is:

a) don't go
b) go and leave your baby for the duration of the wedding celebrations
c) take your mum along so that you attend the wedding with the minimum length of time away from your baby.

But telling her you can't go unless baby does too will likely come across as an attempt to guilt trip her into inviting the baby.

OP clearly you do need an extra pair of hands, for the wedding bit?? People are trying to be helpful here. You sound like you are deliberately making it difficult so you can legitimise your decision not to go.

This site can appear harsh because of its honesty. People actually tell you what they think. I love it for that but it's not for everyone, particularly people who come on with a clear view which they refuse to be dissuaded from.

You've given up your life to focus on your dd...

FireplacePick Fair enough, thanks everyone. Gosh, this site is really harsh

Well, not really (although AIBU is a particularly special kind of audience!). You asked if you were unreasonable to demand your baby be allowed to a baby-free wedding. What were you expecting people to say?

I appreciate it must be hard to see outside your world with your child, as she is such a massive part of it. But this is your friend's wedding, and they have made the choice that suits them.

If you can't fit in, it's a shame, but decline gracefully and meet up separately as suggested. Don't go telling her she made the wrong choice, and your way is better (that is basically what asking her to let your kid attend is).

Hope you find a way to make it work so everyone's happy

You did post in AIBU which has a tendency to tell it like it is.

You've gone from saying you have to be gone for 4 nights to saying you only have to be gone for 1. I think this is a great opportunity for your DD to learn it's fine to be settled by someone else (and sorry, having had clingy non-sleeping children who got trained out of that habit at 8 months, you are making a rod for your own back on that one).

Go to the wedding and enjoy yourself.

And honestly, I don't know anyone who has brought a child under 5 to a wedding and really enjoyed it. They're not set up for children.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR MUM GOING WITH YOU

I think you should send a no explanation rsvp by e-mail.
If she contacts you ye can hash it out then.

the wedding isn't four days long. Go, take your child and hire a babysitter for the actual wedding part - what, 6 hours or so? they do have sitters in Abroad. Find out which parts are strictly no children and what the schedule is for the four days and work around it. Go and have fun.

'given up my life to focus on your dd'
Christ

I literally feel sick OTT op don't you think?

i've given up my life to focus of DD That's nice

It's simple then it's you say your not going, wish them a happy day and think no more about it!

Alternatively see if your mum would be kind enough to travel with you or leave baby behind

OP can you tell us why it has to be 4 days or bust?

Given your previous conversations, it could be that she thinks that you know that your daughter is excluded from the no-kids rule? Or it could be that she has felt too embarrassed to tell you in person that they didn't want babies coming.

I'd post a nice card saying 'thank you for the invitation. We are unable to attend because DH is working abroad at that time and I have DD to look after. I'm really sorry as I would have loved to come. May I please have details of your wedding gift list? Love Fireplace'

You never know, she might get back to you to say it's okay to bring DD.

Well if your baby isn't invited and just say you can't find a babysitter, I hope the bride and groom won't sulk because you can't go?

Could you afford to maybe book a cottage or something for it and take your mum. See it as you and mum and dad having a mini break and then you can just go doing wedding stuff and be back adapt

From my point of view, not being able to do stuff you used to doesn't mean your life has stopped. It's just changed temporarily to accommodate the needs of a dependent needy baby who looks to you for everything... Doesn't mean you can't have breaks and do stuff but equally life isn't the same as it used to be. Feeling the pain of that sometimes is ok. I sometimes feel envious of childless friends having lie ins and being able to go out in the evening without organising a babysitter first. It doesn't mean I regret having kids ... I usually just have to remind myself how thankful I am for my kids to feel better. Why does it always have to be one or the other? Mixed feelings are allowed... Feeling sad about a wedding you might not be able to attend, while at the same time not wanting to "dump" your kid on someone they're not used to, for four days, is allowed!
Mumsnet is always really harsh when it comes to child free weddings.