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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited to a wedding, can't bring DD... :( AIBU to tell her it's her coming too or I won't be there?

367 replies

FireplacePick · 12/10/2016 14:00

DD is only 9 months, she's our only child.

I do often leave DD with my mum (when I'm at work for a couple of hours) and I'm fine with it.

DH can't come to the wedding anyway, as he is working away. It's in a different country (the wedding) but not exactly far, but need to go on a plane. It's my best friend, so I'd rather not miss it, she is like my sister. No children are allowed... it clearly says on the invite. There's a massive apology that babies and small children cannot attend. I'm assume a few teens will be there (she has a lot of family that are about 12+). Of course it's her wedding and she can invite who she likes, but I don't think I'm happy to leave DD with my mum for 4 days and nights... 1) not sure it's fair on my mum 2) I don't particularly want to leave her for that long on her own, as she definitely can't settle properly (at night) without me Sad

I literally feel so sick.

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 13/10/2016 12:11

Thinking surely if it's bride and groom's own relatives that's moreorless ok??

jayisforjessica · 13/10/2016 12:17

I apologize, I hadn't read the whole thread before posting and the information about the mother was a few pages in.

OP, I'm so sorry about your mom Sad

That said, here's my modified advice:
Go, and leave DD at home with your mom
Don't go.

But I stand by my bullet pointed list of things which under no circumstances are acceptable behavior.

MamaMoose1 · 13/10/2016 12:25

In my personal opinion, we allowed children, as we had them ourselves, but I can see why people don't invite them. It wasn't as relaxing having children running around though. However, we were happy to allow them to come. I think you need to respect her wishes, I've been to a wedding, where no young children have been allowed, but it was for a day and I arranged it with a family member to babysit our children. Why is it for four nights?

Grumpyaboutchristmas · 13/10/2016 12:38

Fireplace, now you're back, have you decided what are you going to do?

Thinkingblonde · 13/10/2016 13:24

Superflyhigh.
The bride has siblings whose children weren't invited, The wedding was a week long jaunt abroad which meant the siblings couldn't attend due to childcare difficulties.

SuperFlyHigh · 13/10/2016 13:58

hmm thinking I'm really not sure what to think!

sillygoof · 13/10/2016 16:34

There was some excellent advice many pages ago, sorry I can't remember who posted it. It said to text the bride something like 'I'm really sorry but I didn't realise when we were talking about your wedding that baby wouldn't be able to come. With mum being ill and DH being away it means I won't be able to come to the wedding. I'm really sad I can't make it'. Or if you can face it, have a chat with her. She might just be swept up in the whole thing and not realised. But she's your friend, a real human person, people on here forget that sometimes!

I'm sorry about your mum, I've been there having lost my mum when my daughter was a baby - I hope you're getting to spend lots of time together and she is enjoying your baby.

Original poster
FireplacePick · 13/10/2016 17:31

Baby is coming to wedding, friend has a couple of her family's babies coming too. She just doesn't want work colleagues, etc. bringing babies and small children.

Can't believed I was worrying over nothing GrinGrinGrin

OP posts:
RichardBucket · 13/10/2016 18:54

Oh gosh, there are going to be some very unhappy B-list guests at that wedding!

RichardBucket · 13/10/2016 18:54

How on earth are the couple going to explain the massive apology that no babies are allowed when some babies clearly are allowed and some aren't? Confused

AndNowItsSeven · 13/10/2016 18:57

No children at weddings is really selfish, people really do think it's all about themselves.

Lovewineandchocs · 13/10/2016 18:58

I think that's the bride and groom's problem, not OP's. I'm really glad it's worked out for you OP. Sorry about your mum Flowers

Bodicea · 13/10/2016 18:58

Most people wouldn't care bucket. If I go to the wedding of a friend or colleague in my local area and they said no kids I am not gonna take some massive offence at her having a niece or two and her best mates baby. Coz guess what, it's not about me. It's not my wedding. And most people are happy to leave their kids at home anyway. Some people take offence just for the sake of taking offence! Sheesh

timeisnotaline · 13/10/2016 21:42

Good news fireplace! I thought friend was being seriously unreasonable to not have contacted you personally after the conversations you had to explain that because of x y z it was no babies, really sorry, understand if you can't make it.
I really don't understand catholic weddings where you have to swear to welcome children as a gift from God to be all 'omg but no children actually at MY wedding' for space reasons we didn't have cousins children but all nieces and nephews were welcome because children are part of family and a wedding is creating a family.our friends were too young to have children but if I were getting married now would work something out so all 50 children could come so our friends could be at our wedding. I can only assume some posters are coming from a similar position, hope that helps all those posters who are just gobsmacked we don't get why you are so anti children at weddings. I have great memories of weddings as a child :)

sillygoof · 14/10/2016 09:34

I'm so glad it's worked out for you!

Stevefromstevenage · 14/10/2016 09:55

After lots and lots and lotsof comments telling the OP to bring her Mum to the wedding how the fuck is it a drip feed to tell us she cannot because the woman is terminally ill. Are OPs meant to predict every response before posting. Her mums health only became pertinent when people kept saying to bring her, that thought probably never even crossed the OPs mind because her mum is terminally ill. This thread is utter shit. People have been saying for quite some time that MN is getting nastier and nastier well this is absolutely the nastiest thread I have ever read on here.

jayisforjessica · 14/10/2016 10:22

AndNowItsSeven
It IS all about them. It's their WEDDING. Not a "bring your kids and let them steal the show" day. Because let's face it: kids, no matter how sweet, charming and well behaved, will always steal the show. God forbid that the bride and groom have ONE DAY that's all about them. How selfish (!)

crashdoll · 14/10/2016 10:26

I'm very glad you get to go. :) For what it's worth, I wouldn't leave a baby for 4 days either. Some people do but some people don't. There's no right or wrong.

TheHubblesWindscreenWipers · 14/10/2016 10:32

No children at weddings is really selfish, people really do think it's all about themselves

Selfish how? It IS about the bride and groom. I love my son to bits and he's the centre of my world but I'm aware that to everyone else he's just another kid.

Inviting everyone's kids means every child counts as a place - we'd have. Even able to invite about 15 people if we'd have invited kids. The venue was not safe for children either.

SuperFlyHigh · 14/10/2016 10:32

well you got your own way OP. Wink

Oldbutstillgotit · 14/10/2016 11:13

Pleased for you OP but, frankly , you have behaved like an entitled brat and if I were your friend I would seriously reassess your friendship . Having said that I am sorry about your Mum; been there and very hard .

MidnightAura · 14/10/2016 11:16

Glad it worked out for the op. I think though if a couple want to have no kids at their wedding that's their right. I wanted no kids at my wedding after seeing my friends wedding be spoiled by badly behaved children. In the end we had such a small wedding and we opted to have children in the family. I think it's up to the bride and groom.

Mia1415 · 14/10/2016 11:17

I'm so pleased its all worked out OK.

I can't believe how horrible some people have been on here to you OP and they clearly haven't bothered to read your posts!

I hope you have a wonderful time.

SuperFlyHigh · 14/10/2016 11:42

old - a little bit along my lines... not quite the same... i'm not as harsh Grin

Smile
Vango · 14/10/2016 12:38

you have behaved like an entitled brat

Really???

The OP had a dilemma. She was upset about having to miss the wedding and knew that her close friend would be upset if she wasn't there. She was conflicted and had no real options. She spoke to the Bride and all is resolved. The only person in danger of not enjoying the day is the person responsible for looking after a 9 month old at the wedding (ie the OP).

Why is it that the invited guests are always considered to be the 'entitled' ones? Posters are very quick to type "it's an invitation, not a summons" but in many cases that's exactly what it is. By declining (for very good reasons) I think that the OPs bride would probably have felt offended and that, in this case, the friendship would have been damaged.

Where weddings are concerned, I think the 'entitled' people are the ones who decide 'we're having a big event, we want you to dress up, we'd like you to buy us a present and expect you to travel to x location. Oh, and sort something out with your kids, but whatever you do don't dare mention it to us!'

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