Invited to a wedding, can't bring DD... :( AIBU to tell her it's her coming too or I won't be there?

[FireplacePick]

DD is only 9 months, she's our only child.

I do often leave DD with my mum (when I'm at work for a couple of hours) and I'm fine with it.

DH can't come to the wedding anyway, as he is working away. It's in a different country (the wedding) but not exactly far, but need to go on a plane. It's my best friend, so I'd rather not miss it, she is like my sister. No children are allowed... it clearly says on the invite. There's a massive apology that babies and small children cannot attend. I'm assume a few teens will be there (she has a lot of family that are about 12+). Of course it's her wedding and she can invite who she likes, but I don't think I'm happy to leave DD with my mum for 4 days and nights... 1) not sure it's fair on my mum 2) I don't particularly want to leave her for that long on her own, as she definitely can't settle properly (at night) without me

I literally feel so sick.

It's not rocket science is it? No bloody wonder she got the responses she did. I've seen much worse responses on here to threads

And I've not seen a single person saying that the way she put it in the title was ok, or a good idea. It's not.

Just some managed to say that without sounding like total arses.

As I've said before Vango that was their issue not yours. If they wanted a child free wedding they should have been prepared for people not being able to attend and not take offence when people couldn't. My point was, I did not want children at our wedding and we never took offence if people couldn't come. The parents I'm referring to wanted to come and bring their children no matter what I said therefore they were uninvited.

Just some managed to say that without sounding like total arses

Some can post threads without sounding like completely entitled wankers. in the vein of ex post

Two things can be possible at the same time. Gosh.

I think it's a huge imposition to ask anyone to have your kids for four days!

I think everyone feels different regarding leaving their children and at what age. It doesn't make them a better person, or parent either way.

I rather object to people implying you don't have a life if you don't leave your children.
My life has many aspects. Fortunately none include alcohol, or discos.

It's on the same level as implying you don't have a life if you don't get drunk every Saturday followed by a session in a club.

PFB DD for whom she has put her life on hold, yet calls her 'it' in the title? Hmm!

I live in London and if I go to France, depending on flights, trains, driving at the other end, exact location etc, it is perfectly possibly for it to take an entire day to get to my destination. Then it would take me an entire day to get home. Plus a day before the wedding and one after (I'm assuming nobody here attending a wedding would like to arrive at midnight the day before the wedding and be fucking knackered). How is four days completely unreasonable?

That's before I even start on the rest of the unreasonableness. So many people being so deeply unpleasant. Horrible to read. I hope you are OK, OP.

Fucking weddings, I hate them!
I am probably in the minority, but I would say definitely no to a wedding abroad, even if the childcare was not an issue. i really hate them even if they are local. I still have all my friends. Just don't go. It's ok to say no.

Your friend will understand that you can't leave your baby with your unwell mum. Politely decline, and meet up with her after her honeymoon to gush over the photos. Missing a wedding is not the end of the world.

Read my title properly, I didn't call her it.

Thanks to all the helpful comments x

It is up to your friend to have a childfree wedding but she has to accept that the more rules she has the more restricting it becomes for guests and limits their ability to come. Same with travel if you could not afford the flight/ hotel room etc.

Just explain you don't want to be away that long from your baby. She should understand. Maybe when your friend comes back you could go for a meal together?

Neither of you are in the wrong. As long as she is not trying to have her cake and eat it too ie make you leave your baby and as long as you aren't trying to get your baby invited. Good luck!

Don't go. You don't want to go without dd, she doesn't want dd there. Simple

YANBU to say that you cant go because its too much of an ask to get childcare for 4 days (it really is, who asks someone to do that?!) so if DD cant go then neither can you. As for people suggesting you take your mum with you, aside from the illness, I can just imagine my mothers reaction to me asking her to come away with me for 4 days purely so she can look after my child. Thats an even bigger ask than her having the baby in her own home!

Thats life. If she wants you there then she will let you bring DD and if she doesnt want DD there then she accepts that you wont be either. Its down to the bride, just make it clear that its not because you dont want to go but because you cant.

OP I can't read the whole thread but not sure why you've attracted so many nasty itchy replies.
Think it's entirely reasonable to call friend and say I'm so sorry, OH is already away and I don't feel comfortable leaving DD for that long with my Mom who has enough on her plate so I can't come / is there any way I can just stop over 1 night?
If she loves you, she'll understand

Sorry about your mum op :(

I wouldn't go to the wedding.

I think that you need to explain that you would love to come but unfortuantly cannot due to childcare. Then the ball is in her court - if she can relax the rules that's up to her to suggest. She needs to graciously accept and understand if you cannot make it as she made the no child rule.

Likewise, if she can't invite your DD you need to accept graciously as there could be many reasons (fairness to others / venue size / budget etc).

I got married earlier this year and had no children accept bridal party. Two cousins kicked off and insisted on bringing their kids which we relented on due to pressure from inlaws. This made me annoyed as it was unfair to our friends (and we actually spend time with their kids!)...luckily all friends understood. My point is the kids attended but we secretly begrudged their presence (and the cost) as it was forced on us. I personally wouldn't want to take my DD anywhere I knew she wasn't really welcome/wanted and couldn't understand why anyone else would.

Any I digress...back to you OP! It's a difficult situation and will be dissapointing for you if you can't attend but please don't take it to heart as wedding guestlists are major stressful and political for the B&G and I can assure you no decisions are taken lightly.

If it were me I'd decline the invitation, the invitation states clearly babies and small children are not invited, if she says yes to you you don't know what kind of a shit storm it will create for her among other guests who also have babies. In fact the same happened with a wedding invitation we received recently, the only babies/children there was the couples own fifteen week old son and the grooms 2 year old niece. It caused ructions among the families on both sides.

Also four days is a long time to leave your baby with your mum.

Personally think childfree weddings are really knobberish. (I never take ours btw... more fun without!). Our friends brought a 1 yr old to our wedding who shouted YAY at the end of the vows and for me that really made our day the fab day it was. However for some people it's more important to have a hello magazine style 'event' than be surrounded by love on their wedding day. However it's their day (hunlolz).

Anyway back to the OP. Some best friend she turned out to be. She's arranged a wedding abroad and knows you have a baby. She can't make it child free and expect you to attend really. Can you ask her about the location? Does it have a family connection for her (in which case local family might know babysitters?) or has she chose it just because it looks nice?
Hugs to you OP. I'm your shoes I'd be stressed and hurt too.

There does seem to be a lot if angst over a fairly straightforward situation.

You say to her that you've tried really hard to think of options but you really have no choice but to decline.
Then it's up to her if she wants to make an exception for you.

Yanbu to feel hurt if she chooses not to make an exception.

Personally think childfree weddings are really knobberish.

We certainly didn't have a Hello! style wedding. But most of our friends have 2-3 kids and if we'd have invited them we'd have had to have cut the guest list to just over a quarter of who we wanted (kids counted as one at the venue.) since we didn't fancy that, and we did t want to invite some and not others we said no kids. No one was offended and some couldn't come, which was fine and we weren't offended.

I've seen some people's little darlings do some truly day-wrecking things , including one ripping the bride's dress in a fit of temper while the parents looked on doing the 'she's just expressing herself' shit.

My one year old is incapable of sitting still or shutting up (which is normal, he's one) and leaves a trail of mushed food, drool and general destruction in his wake. Thus he would be a liability at any posh do or venue. I totally understand why people don't have kids at weddings.

It's not 'knobberish' to have either a ton of kids or none at your wedding. It's your wedding, you do what suits you.

I can completely understand why some people have childreee weddings.
Nothing to do with having 'ahellostyleday'
Some parents will take their kids out if they start crying/screaming/shrieking, but some won't.
I've been a guest at a wedding where i've missed the ceremony because the kids sat next to me cried and screamed through the whole thing. It's not nice.

I had no children apart from my nieces and babes in arms. I was one of the last of my friends to get married and there would have been a gazillion kids there otherwise.
I think most people that say no kids allow babes in arms. That way there is no extra dinner to pay for. At 10 months I guess she is on the cusp of being a babe in arms but surely if she is your best friend she could stretch the rules a bit. And if she can't then sod her don't go.

Wow, some people have been really harsh on here. You shouldn't insist that you can take your daughter - but you probably know that.

It's really difficult when you have a situation where neither option is great - miss the wedding or leave your baby. And the fact that your best friend knows you'll have to make that choice and therefore, either is not that bothered about having you there or thinks it's ok to leave a baby for 4 days would make me upset.

YABVU.

Either don't go, or find a way to care for baby. I like the suggestion of bringing mom and DD to [other country] and leaving DD with mom just for the time you're at the wedding/reception.

Do not, under any circumstances, make this bride's special day all about you - either by

• bringing DD despite being specifically told not to,
• or by leaving her but by spending the day moping about how much you miss her/how much you're worried she's not settling/wondering if she's okay,
• or by declining to come in such a way that guilt trips the bride for making decisions about HER day that she is absolutely entitled to make.

This is HER day, and it's one day (if you do the bringing mom to [other country] thing as suggested). You say she's your best friend. That being the case, surely you can arrange things so that you can give your best friend your full attention for one day.