Invited to a wedding, can't bring DD... :( AIBU to tell her it's her coming too or I won't be there?

[FireplacePick]

DD is only 9 months, she's our only child.

I do often leave DD with my mum (when I'm at work for a couple of hours) and I'm fine with it.

DH can't come to the wedding anyway, as he is working away. It's in a different country (the wedding) but not exactly far, but need to go on a plane. It's my best friend, so I'd rather not miss it, she is like my sister. No children are allowed... it clearly says on the invite. There's a massive apology that babies and small children cannot attend. I'm assume a few teens will be there (she has a lot of family that are about 12+). Of course it's her wedding and she can invite who she likes, but I don't think I'm happy to leave DD with my mum for 4 days and nights... 1) not sure it's fair on my mum 2) I don't particularly want to leave her for that long on her own, as she definitely can't settle properly (at night) without me

I literally feel so sick.

Oh and to those that still insist on posting the word SIMPLES fuck right off.

Rozteek

Ah, different culture. I come from an Irish catholic background and weddings are family affairs but family doesn't always mean kids. Sometimes we just want to have a day without them. That said, the reason we're excluding all kids (except close family) is because we'll be getting married on our 20th anniversary and, to be honest, we want a day where all the adults can let loose. It's not the beginning of a life together to celebrate, we've already been together years, have kids and a house. It's just a big piss-up, really. We're only getting married because DP proposed to me 15 years ago and we thought we should actually do something about it.

Wow! Some people have been a bit harsh. It's all fair and well to tell someone they are BU but you can do that without being so mean.
OP chat to your friend and see what she says. She may let your DD come but if not, politely decline.
It's her prerogative to have a child free wedding and it's yours to decide on childcare for your child.
Some people wouldn't Bat an eye lid at using an unknown childminder, others would.
I've had a similar issue with a good friend of mine but I've been lucky enough that I have close friends that live ten mins from the venue so they've said they will have my DS over night (we spend one night and venue and nights before with them) but if they couldn't I wouldn't be leaving him for a whole weekend 250 miles away with DG and only because it would be the whole weekend and he would be very far away if something happened.

I do understand your concerns but you can't demand she comes.

People are putting lots of spin on this.

It's a wedding invite and op is invited but no children. It's abroad and somehow necessitated a 4 day stay.

Most people would decline on cost and time alone unless it was very very close family.

The bride clearly knows her friend has a child and still did not invite her. Brides choice.

Leaving a small child for 4 days is a lot and as a youngish and fit grandmother I would refuse to have her at a young age for this long.

Op mentioned her mum was ill after posters suggested she flew with her.

I think it's beyond rude to try and force am invite when it's not extended and equally some of the language used to the op was way OTT but seen far worse on mumsnet.

Storm in a tea cup.

We're having a child free wedding mostly because I want my friends to be able to cut loose and have an amazing time without them worrying about the kids.

You see, this kind of comment I don't like.

Be honest about child free weddings - the majority of people who have them is because they either don't want children making a noise at their wedding or to save money.

Most parents do not need, nor want, someone else telling them - oh leave your child at home so you can have a good time. Most parents still manage to get out a bit even if they have children, and they can choose themselves if they can only enjoy themselves if they don't have children with them.

I don't really care if people want child free weddings or not. Its their choice.
But be honest about the real reason, don't try to dress it up as doing the parents a favour, and be accepting and understanding if some people don't or can't come as a result of the choice.

Oh and to those that still insist on posting the word SIMPLES fuck right off.

Amen!

be accepting and understanding if some people don't or can't come as a result of the choice.

As long as guests accept that it is the bride/grooms choice to not have their DC at their wedding and don't try and try to get them to make acceptions for them.

FruitCidder: Really sorry to hear about your mum, but are you absolutely certain she cannot fly? I took my dad abroad 6 weeks before he died.

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Her mum is terminally ill. Why on earth should she be asked to fly out, stay in a hotel for 4 days, babysit for several hours, etc? She is ill! . Fair enough if the mum HAD to fly out somewhere or even WANTED to visit somewhere before it was too late. But this is just someone's wedding and not even one the mum is invited too. It the grand scheme of things it is not an important event other than to the bride, groom and their very immediate family.

ex yet you've managed to make really nasty insults in every other post to others?
Some posts were a bit harsh, however given how the op's post was written i'm not surprised.
I wouldn't state to take the mother.
I wouldn't say the op is unreasonable to not want to leave the baby, some people can, some can't.
If she can't though then she simply states she can't go and wishes the bride her best.
Stating aibu that 'she either goes or neither of us do,' is being unreasonable.
It doesn't mean that the friend doesn't care.
We have no idea on circumstances.
The friend may be restricted on numbers or a tight budget.

Oh I agree piglet - guests shouldn't want people to make exceptions just for them. But I do think in RL most friends do actually talk to each other. So feel the OP could say 'sorry, I can't come, I can't leave DC for that long. Whilst I wish you well for your wedding, Im sorry I just can't make it." And that, in RL, would usually lead to a conversation.

I am going to a wedding soon and something similar has happened. Child free bar a small handful - couple of teens, two v close family children in bridal party. One couple - the dH (closest to the groom, childhood friend, etc) accepted invitation but the DW declined due to childcare issues. A real life conversation cam about following this and the children are now coming, along with the DH and DW. The B&G had some other guests decline for other reasons, so the two children used their 'places.'

I certainly wouldn't be asking a sick person to fly out for a wedding either.

Yep, and I fully intended to. Not hiding behind "oh but the OP deserved it because she's so entitled...too PFB...demanding...drip fed" bollocks.

Funny how people don't seem to like it when it's aimed at them.

Exactly Eve - it's fine to all pile on and insult the OP to the extent that she's long since left the thread.

But god forbid you should give those same posters a hard time.

ex this is the first post i've made on here.
I just found it funny you talking about being supportive and polite and then calling lots of people wankers

Sorry to hear about your mum OP.

I'm wondering if there's another possible solution to the problem. You've mentioned 4 days/nights away. Is this because there are other events related to the wedding? Anyway, my suggestion is that you and your baby go for the 4 nights, but DON'T attend the actual wedding or reception! You could still be part of the build-up and final preparations and see your best friend in her wedding dress. Its not an ideal solution by any means, but could be an acceptable compromise. Of course you'll need to discuss it with the bride - I'd recommend a phone call rather than email/text.

I do hope you're able to sort something out.

I'd really appreciate if someone could answer a question I have (and it doesn't need to be the OP). If you receive an invitation clearly stating a wedding is child free then why would someone call/message the bride/groom to ask if their children can attend?

I had this with my own wedding. On four occasions I clearly said no children (one being the invite, two being by email and one face to face when I got sick of it). We eventually made it clear the invite was withdrawn as the couples in question were adamant they were bringing the children regardless.

I would never have approached people who were kind enough to extend an invitation to us to ask to bring our 4 children. Why do people ask if their children can attend any function when people have explicitly explained there are no children invited?

Bowie, if you don't think any posters have been rude or overly critical, starting by reading the very first response and then a depressingly regular stream of shouty posts will sort that out.

Perhaps of the OP hadn't said "AIBU to tell her it's her coming too or I won't be there" as well as a huge drip feed, replies would have been more supportive?

Or you knew, people could use their imaginations for the myriad reasons someone's mum may be ok for a few hours' babysitting but not for a four-day stint abroad, and entertain the possibility that the OP may have considered the idea but it wasn't workable?

Or perhaps think about why the OP may not have wanted to chuck that info into her post or an unrelated thread before whinging about 'drip feeds'?

I know. It's a big ask.

^ex this is the first post i've made on here.
I just found it funny you talking about being supportive and polite and then calling lots of people wankers^

Bit of a difference when it's calling people out on some frankly abysmal behaviour, to my mind.

For some reason the OP hasn't answered questions about where the wedding is. But FWIW I was invited to a wedding in India and time difference plus travelling meant I would be away for 4 days. Sadly didn't go in the end because I couldn't afford it, but just wanted to point out to everyone saying 'why not just go for 1 night' that it might not be possible

justCallMe

Couldn't agree more.

It's the height of rudeness to ring up a host following a direct invitation and ask if someone else not named on the invite can come.

Hulababy the bride and groom were probably too bloody polite to counter the guilt trip from those guests.

So so so rude.

Tallulahoola, she hasn't said exactly where. She did say another country but not far, so I would guess Scotland, Ireland, France- something along those lines rather than India! So I think the 4 days is more to do with the celebrations than the travelling.

I'll answer from my own experience Kate! Very condensed version but you get the gist 😁

Couple: You are invited to our wedding.
Me: Are the children invited too?
Couple: No, we're not inviting children.
Me (after much hard work trying to make it work): I don't think I'll be able to come!
Couple: Don't be ridiculous, you have to come, you're DSis!
Me: But I genuinely don't know what to do about childcare/breast feeding!
Everyone Else: You must be able to sort something out!!!"

So I think the 4 days is more to do with the celebrations than the travelling

Or flight availability and distance from appropriate airports at both ends.

🙄. As I've said on this thread many times before, the OP titled the thread AIBU to tell her it's her coming too or I won't be there. Rude, rude, rude. This is supposed to be the OP's best friend she's referring to. The OP also said her friend had made it clear no children were invited. There's a massive apology that babies and small children cannot attend

It's not rocket science is it? No bloody wonder she got the responses she did. I've seen much worse responses on here to threads.

All my cousins did "no kids" weddings, which was fine (I declined because I literally had no one to take DS who was a baby at the time). However, one cousin, the one I'm closest to, put wedding photos online and the first pic was her with two little kids. I called her out because I was very hurt that she'd had kids there when her own family's kids weren't allowed. Turns out she had a friend who was pushy and demanding about bringing her babies and caused a ruckus. It split my family down the middle, my dad and his sister fell out, all the cousins got involved and fell out. Things still aren't right. What I'm trying to say is that your friend's invite is clear, either don't go, or leave your baby at home. It's really not fair to plead your case when it's not about you.