To want to call my nephew and tear him a new one?

[Agerbilatemycardigan]

Okay, a bit of background to illustrate why I'm so angry.

My younger sister was married with 2 DC, until her husband left her for OW.
He was also spending the mortgage money on OW which resulted in my sister and her children almost becoming homeless.

Fast forward a few years, and my sister now has the mortgage under control, having worked every hour she could to support her children, who have never gone without anything.

Had a phonecall this evening as apparently she can't pay her bills as there is no money in her account. Further investigation has shown that her 17 year old son has taken the money without permission. She is totally devastated and feels utterly betrayed. He's away at the moment but will be back tomorrow.

Our mother was in tears about this too, as we all thought that he was a decent kid. We really don't know how to proceed. Does my sister involve the police or punish him in some other way?

It's such a difficult one

I'd certainly make it clear that I'd be calling the police for subsequent thefts of any kind and changing my pin in your sister's shoes. The leniency is a one-time only offer.

This made me actually cry. I feel for your sister who has done so much. I initially thought bipolar as happened in my family but then read that the son threatens mum he will leave. Don't involve police in my opinion. He's going through something difficult himself but he must realise what he's doing. And your sister is lucky to have you.

In answer to previous posters, my sister is certain that it is her son who has taken the money. She's got an appointment with the bank this afternoon, before her son's due home.

I suspect that there are a few things that we haven't been told, and I'm wondering if he's done something similar before. It looks as if he's been using it online and probably saved or copied the card details.

I was utterly fuming yesterday when I first found out. Now I just feel really sad.

Also, am horrified at some of the things PP's relatives have done.

It never ceases to shock and sadden me when I hear the way that people treat their families.

op I would reiterate the advice to let your sister deal with the situation and be there for moral support/backup only. She has to take the lead on this and if you are the one who lays into him, your sister will be undermined further. He needs to see it is his mother who is in sole charge of what happens in this house. This isn't a criticism by the way, I know you're concerned and rightly so.

It's actually quite easy to clean a bank account out without having a pin as long as you've had access to the card.

Dh put a card onto my PayPal instead of his once (don't ask how, neither of us worked it out) and I was doing a lot of online shopping and paying by PayPal, not realising it was coming off his card and not mine.

It would be easy to add anyone's card to a PayPal account and once it's done, if the notifications are set up to the person who is spending the money, it would only come to light once a bank statement is checked.

Stealing is horrible but I'd never potentially ruin my teenagers future by phoning the police. Teenagers can be horrible, self cantered and don't always realise the consequences of things. I would sell everything he has of value and make him get a job (if he doesn't already have one) to pay back to rest.

I'd definitely be selling all his stuff (xbox etc) to recoup as much money as possible.

i slightly disagree about you laying into him undermining your sister, I don't think there's any harm the entire concert of your family making it clear they think he's behaved poorly. It's not undermining as long as you are back up your sister's decisions and the main 'action' comes from her, reinforcing the disapproval isn't a bad thing (whilst making it clear they know they are loved).

Friend's son ran up a huge debt on her credit card downloading Xbox games, friend was naïve and didn't realise there was no security attached to the account. The son was about 13 at the time and denied until he was blue in the face. When he found out it was over a grand in debt he broke down. She forgave him, however she sold the Xbox, games, controllers the lot to help repay it. She didn't need the money but he needed to learn a lesson.

I would do the same, sell the kit to pay the bills. The DN in the original post needs to get a job to fund his lifestyle, at 17 I suspect most of his friends will have.

OP - this comment struck me as very odd

He's also recently taken to using emotional blackmail on her by threatening to go and live with his father if she doesn't give him money. He knows how terrified she is of being left alone, as my niece is now studying away

It gives the impression of a very dysfunctional relationship and that your sister doesn't want him to grow up and move out - does the nephew fell that he is somehow "owed something" for being guilted into not leaving home? Perhaps it would be good for both of them to live apart for a bit

Agree that your sis will need to sell his stuff to recoup as much money as possible, not only to cover what he stole but any overdraft charges etc she gets stung for as a result. Plus the natural consequence is that he will have to work very hard to regain her trust and illustrate that he doesn't take privileges for granted. Your sis shouldn't be paying for all his lifestyle luxuries though - at 17 he's plenty old enough to pay for his own branded clothes, console games etc.

Lunde I have been saying the same thing for a while. My sister is struggling to let her children grow up and move on. It would be best if my nephew left for a while I think.

I've got 3 daughters, and consider that if they can strike out on their own and have the confidence to run their own lives then I've done a decent job.

I think the problem is that my sister has always had a fear of being alone. Her husband left about 8 or 9 years ago and she's never had another relationship. We're total opposites really, so I must admit that I struggle to understand why she's like this.

I'd be selling his stuff plus shipping him off to his Dad.

Sounds an unhealthy dynamic.

Like you OP I fear that this is just the tip of the iceberg. I wonder what she has let him get away with in the past.

I wouldn't be meeting him at the airport.

Send scary sis to meet him with a one way ticket to his dad's. Hand over the ticket and say he owes his mum £x plus interest and he has 48 hours to get a job/set up a plan to pay it back or the police will be called.

It is a crime, regardless of him having her pin. My neighbour has a key to my house for emergencies, it doesn't mean he can come in and steal my stuff.

I don't think it's the case that it's not a crime because he knew the PIN. If he knew the money wasn't his for the taking and he took it anyway, then it's theft.

If it were me id sell everything he has to recoup the money except clothes. Consoles, games, dvds, tablets etc.

Then I'd probably send him to his dad's to stay. Let him deal with it and deal with him dragging his feet over getting a job.

Myown unfortunately you don't get any cash back in that situation. My sisters then boyfriend done it to me when I was a young (20) single mum and they were babysitting. she sent him to the shop with my card to get something instead of taking my daughter and he cleaned me out. It was only about 200 as I was at college and lived week to week. Bank said they basically had no way of proving id not given him permission if he said I had.

Update

My sister has discovered that not only has he stolen several hundreds of pounds from her, but has also stolen money from his sister.

They have taken anything of worth in his room so that they can sell it - he wasn't too happy about it but my BiL also arrived and took him to his room for a talk.

My niece suggested that he should get a job and pay them back. She was a lot more upset at the fact that he'd stolen money from their mother than about what he'd taken from her. His response was that he doesn't want to get a job.

He hasn't really shown any remorse, and only got upset when my BiL spoke to him, as he looks up to him as they spent time together with BiL's family in Spain - which he loved. My sis is still devastated by the whole thing.

He sounds like he is a nasty little bigger.

Why would he do that to his mother?

His poor sister too.

He doesn't want a job? Fine - no trips away, money for magazines etc - if he steals from anyone else the police are called.

Your sister needs to stop giving him money if he refuses to get a job

He had his room and she provides his meals, but no treats.

He wants treats he needs to go and earn them

Apparently he spends all day in his room playing games with his friends. My poor sister gets home from work to a trashed house and no food because they've eaten everything in sight.

I'm truly shocked and disgusted. I had no idea things were so bad, as she'd not said anything until now.

Omg. That is shocking, ghastly.

My dhs cousin was over indulged, never made accountable for his actions and never left to grow up. Mother incredibly smothering and over indulgent, father OCD and beat his mother and hit him too. I've never seen such an unhealthy set up. He ended up in prison for hitting his father. I imagine this wasn't the first brush with the law. He was addicted to cannabis and nice clothes/shoes. He now lives with his mother having stolen tens of thousands from his grandparents and bled his mother dry. Apparently he has strangled her a couple of times that we know of. Always drunk. Mid to late 30's and ruined life.

Please get your nephew under control. I knew dhs cousin from about the same age as your nephew and we tried so hard to help him being several years older. He was at the time just a fucked up kid going off the rails and looking like he wasn't going to get any qualifications.