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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to call my nephew and tear him a new one?

192 replies

Agerbilatemycardigan · 11/10/2016 22:25

Okay, a bit of background to illustrate why I'm so angry.

My younger sister was married with 2 DC, until her husband left her for OW.
He was also spending the mortgage money on OW which resulted in my sister and her children almost becoming homeless.

Fast forward a few years, and my sister now has the mortgage under control, having worked every hour she could to support her children, who have never gone without anything.

Had a phonecall this evening as apparently she can't pay her bills as there is no money in her account. Further investigation has shown that her 17 year old son has taken the money without permission. She is totally devastated and feels utterly betrayed. He's away at the moment but will be back tomorrow.

Our mother was in tears about this too, as we all thought that he was a decent kid. We really don't know how to proceed. Does my sister involve the police or punish him in some other way?

It's such a difficult one Sad

OP posts:
Sleeplessinmybedroom · 12/10/2016 09:04

I hope it goes well today.

Goingtobeawesome · 12/10/2016 09:05

She gave him her PIN so the police will say her responsibility

tiredvommachine · 12/10/2016 09:08

Fml....it is a crime! Stop saying it's not.

FurryLittleTwerp · 12/10/2016 09:09

Awful situation. I expect he did it because he felt entitled to it. He doesn't sound like a very nice person.

I suppose he could be under pressure to pay a bully or something, but I suspect that is less likely.

2kids2dogsnosense · 12/10/2016 09:11

I agree about no police involvement at this stage,

Even though your sister could change her mind and not press charges, it may be that the bank could (and probably would).

It's a sad and awful situation. I do hope it gets resolved.

Itmustbemyage · 12/10/2016 09:20

**Agerbilatemycardigan
Bizarrely I have experienced very similar but not exactly the same with my 17 year old son just this week. The bank called in the police PM me if you would like to chat.

iPost · 12/10/2016 09:23

At the same age, with almost identical circumstances, my brother did this.

Except he didn't stop at the money in the account and created an unauthorised overdraft. Which incurred charges.

He was gambling it away in arcades.

Mum didn't tell the bank. Went through a very hard 18 months to pay back the loss. He wept. Promised it would never happen again. She got him help for a gambling addiction. I sat with a deep seated, but persistant feeling that behind the tears there was a growing realisation that family was an easy mark.

By the time he was in his 30s he had taken my mother's house from under her. Abandoned his pregnant wife and their children. Declared bankrupt with a debt containing more zeros than my open jaw can cope with. And yes, gambling featured again. But there was something else. With the tears, and the lies, and the promising. I saw it, where it had been for years. The sly understanding that family is an easy mark.

I can't be near him. Haven't seen or spoken to him for a decade and half. He can't, or won't change. And the urge to whack him over the head with something very heavy is too strong to risk any sort of contact.

If I had a time machine I would call the bank and the police myself. Hurl the windows open and let sunlight bleach the secret keeping out of what used to be my family.

I can't tell you (without a convenient parallel universe) if he would have turned out differently. Perhaps the shock would have made thieving too risky a prospect. Maybe not. But at least he might have thought twice about his own flesh and blood being his mark of choice. And as a family maybe we wouldn't lie in quite so many tatters where biological bonds used to be.

It can get old fast, watching somebody make excuses for the inexcusable, not being able to cope with the economic/emotional aftermath and needing support, again and again and again. It is no fun being labled "the mean one" because you are left with the role of having to argue for tougher reactions, to protect the person bewailing yet another fleecing.

There is nothing my son can do that will make me turn my back on him. But were he to steal from our bank account as a minor, I would report him. To the bank and to the police. Because I love him. And IME the alternative carries just as many risks, perhaps more risks, of a lousy long term outcome for the kid and everybody around him.

I wish you luck, strength and fortitude. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. And I sincerely hope it turns out to be a blip, rather than an indication of the future, for your family.

Happyhippy45 · 12/10/2016 09:29

This happened recently to a friend. Turned out her son's Xbox subscription automatically renewed and he'd forgotten about it.
Wait till he gets home and explains himself.

cestlavielife · 12/10/2016 09:30

she gave him the pin..that was daft. he could have opened his own account and she could pay money in each month. if you give someone your pin then that goes counter to all advice...

pudcat · 12/10/2016 09:38

Tell your sister to go to the bank and use the machine to printoff the statements she is missing, so that she can see when the money went out of her account.

Dontpanicpyke · 12/10/2016 09:42

ipost how bloody dreadful.

Dontpanicpyke · 12/10/2016 09:45

I Expect your dsis was trying to make up for the pathetic excuse for their dad and so was a bit softer on him. Think we can all understand that.

amusedbush · 12/10/2016 10:00

This is unlikely to be the end if it’s not nipped in the bud now, short and sharp.

My MIL’s brother was a bit like this apparently. He then grew up, abandoned his wife and two kids for the OW, got in a tonne of shit with HMRC with his taxes, moved abroad and left his business and his problems here. It has recently come out that he has taken out thousands and thousands of pounds in payday loans using his father’s name (they have the same name) and address, and DH’s grandparents are now being hounded by collections agencies and receiving threatening letters in their 80’s Sad

MIL is in very poor health and is being left to help sort this mess out. DH’s uncle is ignoring any attempt at contact and seems to have no remorse for what he’s done to his parents. Fucking arsehole.

mysistersimone · 12/10/2016 10:02

Your poor sister, none of us are perfect and she was doing her best and her son is monumentally taking advantage. It needs addressing yes, I think family intervention is a positive first step and if your nephew doesn't respond then escalate it.

diddl · 12/10/2016 10:03

She probably has been too daft with him, but how does that translate to thinking that you're entitled to empty your mum's bank account?

I agree that she shouldn't have told him her PIN, but surely this means that he has been taking her card without her knowledge as well as perhaps taking out money for himself when she has asked him to use the card?

NotDavidTennant · 12/10/2016 10:14

Giving someone you PIN doesn't give them permission to empty the account of cash at will. Taking money without permission is theft, no matter how the person got access to the money. People should stop suggesting otherwise.

iPost · 12/10/2016 10:19

My MIL’s brother was a bit like this apparently. He then grew up, abandoned his wife and two kids for the OW, got in a tonne of shit with HMRC with his taxes, moved abroad and left his business and his problems here. It has recently come out that he has taken out thousands and thousands of pounds in payday loans using his father’s name (they have the same name) and address, and DH’s grandparents are now being hounded by collections agencies and receiving threatening letters in their 80’s

Fuck me. After 30 years of deep shame about the abnormal landscape of my family and their proclivities, I discover that actually ... we are dangerously close to being a cliché.

My brother did the OW thing too. Despite all his issues beginning when our father and his OW decided their happiness was worth any amount of misery/damage incurred for his children.

All I want for Christmas is a time machine.

.

trumpybum1 · 12/10/2016 10:33

How awful. Your poor sister x

KERALA1 · 12/10/2016 10:40

Check it's him - numerous people I know my sister included have had their card cloned and money taken from their account - all while card safe in their purse. Bank stopped my card yesterday as someone in America tried to use it whilst I was very obviously using it in lidl in England.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 12/10/2016 10:47

NotDavidTennant - how can you prove it's theft when you have willingly given your PIN to another person? There is nothing the bank can do, the police could probably have a word but there is a reason it's called a Personal Identification Number and why you need to change it when you get it, and are advised not to share it. It is deemed not taking due care.

Don’t use personal details or combinations that are easy to guess when choosing your PIN
Never reveal your PIN to anyone, not even the bank or the police
Never enter your card PIN into the telephone
Always cover your PIN to prevent anyone from seeing it
Change your PIN immediately if you suspect someone else may know it

He has done a despicable thing and deserves to be raked over the coals for it, but every single person with a bank card that shares their PIN is leaving themselves liable for fraud.

OP I hope this gets sorted and his console and games will bring in enough cash to cover the deficit.

RabbitsNap01 · 12/10/2016 10:50

it's morally bankrupt, whether it's a crime or not. Being shamed by his family is exactly what the little sod needs. Yes, I'd sell things of value to recover the money, and I'd also see about him getting a job immediately to pay back the debt and stop him looking to steal for money. The thing your sister is doing wrong is giving into the blackmail, pack him off to the warm embrace of his dads for a bit, but be sure to warn dear dad about the stealing the boy's done. I wouldn't call the police personally though.

Stormtreader · 12/10/2016 11:04

She needs to be absolutely ready to call his bluff on the "ill just go live with dad then!" otherwise he'll use it as a trump card for ever.

I'm sure she doesnt want to be alone, but does she want to live with an unrepentant thief and have to lock everything away every night? Wake up not knowing if the TV or car will still be there? Lines have to be drawn.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 12/10/2016 11:06

Definitely get your sister to sell whatever she can of his to pay the money back. And come down hard on him. Make sure the whole family know and make sure he knows you are all watching him.

I'd seriously consider packing his bags. Let him deal with his (probably) empty treat to live with his dad. See how much he likes living with someone who doesn't really want him there as opposed to the nice, cushy life his mother has given him.

What would his dad say about all of this? Ok he had an affair but would he really condone his son stealing from his mother?

madein1995 · 12/10/2016 11:30

He's not a child he's 17. not fully an adult but old enough to know right from wrong. I disagree that it's not theft - first bit Of The definition is dishonestly appropriate, which he has done. Your sister gave him the pin with a view to him being sensible, not an absolute little Shit. With the police I'm unsure. You certainly don't owe it to him not to report it but it won't be a small little telling off either. In regards to his threats, well like pp help him pack his bags. I'm sure hell get a nasty shock at dads and realise how good mums has been, if he wants to leave that much then he can go. Does he have younger siblings? If so I'd be guilt tripping him about the fact ghat he's taken food out of his siblings mouth. I wouldn't be giving him anything bar food and a room. At that age, after doing what he's done he deserves nothing else. He can get a job and use most of it to pay back his mother. What a Shit

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 12/10/2016 11:41

I'd just echo the previous comment and ask if your sister is absolutely sure it is her son, rather than online fraud/card cloning? Is it cash withdrawals or online purchases?

Is there not a danger cage is putting 2 & 2 together and making 5? Apart from his arsehole behaviour of late and the fact he isn't there, is there anything to link the son to the money going missing. I agree there's a good chance it is him, but is she sure before she goes in all guns blazing?