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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to call my nephew and tear him a new one?

192 replies

Agerbilatemycardigan · 11/10/2016 22:25

Okay, a bit of background to illustrate why I'm so angry.

My younger sister was married with 2 DC, until her husband left her for OW.
He was also spending the mortgage money on OW which resulted in my sister and her children almost becoming homeless.

Fast forward a few years, and my sister now has the mortgage under control, having worked every hour she could to support her children, who have never gone without anything.

Had a phonecall this evening as apparently she can't pay her bills as there is no money in her account. Further investigation has shown that her 17 year old son has taken the money without permission. She is totally devastated and feels utterly betrayed. He's away at the moment but will be back tomorrow.

Our mother was in tears about this too, as we all thought that he was a decent kid. We really don't know how to proceed. Does my sister involve the police or punish him in some other way?

It's such a difficult one Sad

OP posts:
Bluechip · 11/10/2016 23:00

That's awful - your poor sister. I would be beyond fuming.

But what has he spent it on? I'd also be deeply worried about a 17yo spending that kind of money. Has he been gambling online? Speaking as someone who has dealt with hideous debt he needs help. Speaking to pastoral care if he is at school/college is a good idea. Make him in no doubt how serious it is but he is likely to feel (rightly) incredibly shame and remorse and be aware he may also need support and someone he can talk openly to. I think selling his games is a good idea. He needs to go some way towards paying it back.

gemtheboats · 11/10/2016 23:01

Whilst I appreciate you've said the kids have never gone without, I imagine it was pretty traumatic when their dad betrayed their mum (and them) and left them for another woman. His main male role model is a man he's supposed to continue to love but simultaneously hate for hurting his mum, sibling and self. That plus the normal hormonal teenage stuff means he's likely to screw up sometimes. I'm not saying his behaviour is acceptable, and I do think he should have to repay Mum somehow, but I think looking at the cause of the behaviour and going from there might be a better idea than just going to the police

Tonsiltennis · 11/10/2016 23:01

How much is she talking about? What's he spent it on? Gaming? That's pretty odd.

NeedABanner · 11/10/2016 23:01

Does she have any idea yet how much he has taken?

The money would be one thing, but the betrayal & hurt would be quite another 😢

Any chance 'scary sister' could take him home with her for a week or so, so 'betrayed sister' can have a bit of space & he can feel a bit of prolongued pain?

Original poster
Agerbilatemycardigan · 11/10/2016 23:02

He's also recently taken to using emotional blackmail on her by threatening to go and live with his father if she doesn't give him money. He knows how terrified she is of being left alone, as my niece is now studying away.

I think she should call his bluff and pack his things.

OP posts:
inabizzlefam · 11/10/2016 23:02

This is what pisses me off about teenagers now....no fucking respect whatsoever for their mums who do everything for them then get the piss taken.
Sell ALL his stuff, even his bed!

a7mints · 11/10/2016 23:02

He's gone on a trip to Spain to stay with family

Hmm I am wondering what the back story is here? Why does he feel he has to get away from home?Is he at school/college?

Queenbean · 11/10/2016 23:03

How awful for her. How much did he take?

Nataleejah · 11/10/2016 23:03

I was told off by at the bank when i mentioned that me and DH know each other's pin numbers. Because shit like this in families happens just too often.

I'd be worried he could be in more serious trouble. Drugs? Gambling? Racketeering?

inabizzlefam · 11/10/2016 23:04

Also agree you should pack his stuff (what's left after selling it) and send him to his dad's. Let him put up with this shit for a bit.

IAmNotAMindReader · 11/10/2016 23:06

Given the further info that he threatens to go stay with Dad if he isn't given cash, then I would say inform the police. Any recompense she enforces will just reinforce in his own mind how unfair it is and how he was owed the money for whatever bullshit reason he comes up with. Introducing a 3rd party to tell him uhm no what you did was illegal may give him a dose of reality.

Original poster
Agerbilatemycardigan · 11/10/2016 23:06

Need She's not certain how much as yet, but there was plenty of money to cover this month's bills and that has all now gone. She's going to the bank tomorrow to see about an overdraft.

I'm not sure if she's going to tell them the reason that she needs one, and if she does, whether the bank would involve the police.

So many unknowns here....

OP posts:
Dontpanicpyke · 11/10/2016 23:06

Right so she knows where he is that's a relief.

Mmm she needs to contact her bank, get all the info and thrash it out with him when he gets home.

This isn't the end of the world. Yes he's fucked up huge but they need to communicate, she obviously needs to vent and then they need a recovery plan going forward.

Hopefully it's not a gambling addiction but rather stupid spending.

I don't think the police or the bank would be involved as your sister gave out her PIN number so that absolves the responsibility.

However a bolloking and serious chat with a local MALE policeman could help show him how awful he had behaved. However scary your sister is 17 year old lads need a bloody firm hand from a good male role model.

Good luck op and hope it gets sorted. In 5 years time he may be a totally different and sensible lad.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 11/10/2016 23:08

Wow. That is really serious. Get him to "explain" then call the police and work out a plan for him to repay every single penny. Sell his stuff, make him get a job, whatever it takes. He needs to understand the seriousness to stop him going further down the delinquent path.

QueenArseClangers · 11/10/2016 23:09

*Today 23:02 inabizzlefam

This is what pisses me off about teenagers now....no fucking respect whatsoever for their mums who do everything for them then get the piss taken.
Sell ALL his stuff, even his bed!*

Bit of a sweeping generalisation there inabizzle!Hmm

I have two teenagers. DS16 spent the afternoon trying out a new recipe to cook dinner for his 4 siblings and us.
DS15 spent time last week with his mate holding up traffic on the road whilst helping a hedgehog to cross safely. He's a strapping 6ft rugby lad.
Please rethink your ignorant comment about 'teenagers these days' Angry

Original poster
Agerbilatemycardigan · 11/10/2016 23:09

I really hope so. He was always such a lovely kid. Judging by some of the pictures and comments on Facebook, I think he's got in with a bad crowd and seems to have dumped all of his old mates.

OP posts:
DixieWishbone · 11/10/2016 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ColdTeaAgain · 11/10/2016 23:14

She should sell anything of value that she's bought him.

I also think it would be worth her discussing this with the police as they may be willing to come and talk to him scare the shit out of him even if she doesn't want to take it further.

SandyY2K · 11/10/2016 23:15

As she gave him the PIN, the police won't deem it a crime

ohfourfoxache · 11/10/2016 23:16

Your poor sister Sad

I definitely think that contacting the bank and confronting him first is the best idea. But by the sounds of it, if he's using emotional blackmail already, then he may not be the good kid that he has been previously.

Original poster
Agerbilatemycardigan · 11/10/2016 23:17

a7mints We have a Spanish brother-in-law and my nephew has stayed with his family before, so my sister thought she'd give him a surprise treat by paying for him to go there again.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 11/10/2016 23:17

It's not wise to give a teenager your PIN though. But I feel sorry for your sister after all she's gone through.

I'd be fuming if my nephew did this and yes, I would have serious words with him.

What a total breach of trust.

MeMeMyMy · 11/10/2016 23:20

QueenArse stealth boast, much? I'm sure inabizzle is just trying to show some support to OP or maybe she has personal experience herself. I didn't read it that she literally meant every teenager in the whole land ever.

OP I'm sorry for your sister, she must feel so betrayed. I think you need to hear his side first and take it from there. You really need to get to the bottom of what it's been spent on too.

Onenerfwarfrombreakdown · 11/10/2016 23:25

The police may not be able to charge him with criminal offences if he knew the PIN, but they may still be able to "have a word" and put the fear into him. I know our local PC would, and has, be very happy to point out a few basic facts to local youths in the hopes of it preventing them going further down whatever miscreant paths they were starting on.
Mind you, I live in a semi rural village in Scotland so I don't think he's exactly overwhelmed with work - joy riding on their mates Dads tractors across the fields seems to be about as bad as it gets Wink

Original poster
Agerbilatemycardigan · 11/10/2016 23:26

MeMe Yes - he'll get back tomorrow to find his aunt waiting for him as well as his mother. They're going to find out what's going on and then call me to let me know what's happened. I guess we'll just have to take it from there.

This is going to take a lot of time to heal from.

OP posts: