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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to call my nephew and tear him a new one?

192 replies

Agerbilatemycardigan · 11/10/2016 22:25

Okay, a bit of background to illustrate why I'm so angry.

My younger sister was married with 2 DC, until her husband left her for OW.
He was also spending the mortgage money on OW which resulted in my sister and her children almost becoming homeless.

Fast forward a few years, and my sister now has the mortgage under control, having worked every hour she could to support her children, who have never gone without anything.

Had a phonecall this evening as apparently she can't pay her bills as there is no money in her account. Further investigation has shown that her 17 year old son has taken the money without permission. She is totally devastated and feels utterly betrayed. He's away at the moment but will be back tomorrow.

Our mother was in tears about this too, as we all thought that he was a decent kid. We really don't know how to proceed. Does my sister involve the police or punish him in some other way?

It's such a difficult one Sad

OP posts:
Dontpanicpyke · 11/10/2016 23:30

Yes my idea was the police having s word. There's no crime here I think as he knew her pin.

I think it's a pivotal moment in his life though and with careful handling its recoverable.

Certainly don't think saying horrible things like 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree' is either helpful or constructive. Hmm

DonkeyOaty · 11/10/2016 23:30

If she's disclosed the PIN she's not got a leg to stand on. That money is gone, and the bank won't be interested. Quite likely police won't be either.

What a shambles. Best outcome would be for him to go and live with his father.

Your poor sister Sad

Beeziekn33ze · 11/10/2016 23:33

Would his father and OW want him?

TwistedReach · 11/10/2016 23:35

poor boy and your poor sister. Something is wrong and he needs help. Adolescent brains are not the same as adult brains, they are honestly still developing. Can you help him get any real life support, do you think he would accept the idea of therapy?

Original poster
Agerbilatemycardigan · 11/10/2016 23:43

Beezie I very much doubt it. The (much younger) OW is now his wife and doesn't have a maternal bone in her body. She made it quite clear when she married him that she didn't want children and barely tolerates his.

That said, my DN does see his dad quite regularly.

Twisted I'll suggest counselling to my sister, but I'm not sure if she'd go with it. I think that she's feeling like a failure as a mother at the moment - not true of course, but the whole thing's been a massive shock.

OP posts:
Original poster
Agerbilatemycardigan · 11/10/2016 23:45

I'm off to bed now, but will post an update tomorrow as soon as they've spoken to my DN and have a clearer picture.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 11/10/2016 23:53

Bear in mind that if he seems to have got in with a bad crowd, it could be that he is being pushed to give them money or pay for things for them. Or he is buying friendship.

If that was the case then I would view it differently to a "fuck you, I took it cos I wanted it" situation.

Flyingbellycopters · 12/10/2016 00:00

He must have realised she would find out. What did he think would happen then? I've no advice for you. Just wanted to say Im really sorry for you and your sister. So much worse when it's family. When you get over the anger you'll have to cope with the grief and sadness this happened. But how this is handled now will make all difference to long term outcome for their relationship so do near that in mind.

britbat23 · 12/10/2016 00:01

What is this codswallop about it not being theft if she gave him the PIN?

Utter nonsense. If he took money without authorisation that is theft. Yes, the bank won't refund - there's no fraud here - but police will be interested.

If you gave someone a key to your house so they could feed your cat, and they nicked all your jewellery, the police would still be interested.

If nephew has destroyed the bank statements that's an offence too - he has clearly interfered with the mail to her detriment.

QueenArseClangers · 12/10/2016 00:01

Hope your sister gets it sorted OP.
It'd be fucking heartbreaking.

Funnily enough her situation sounds similar to a mate of mine. Her ex was a right fucker, absolute cheating violent twat.
Her (young) teen DS starting nicking from her (£100s in cash that had been saved upShock) and shoplifting.
She eventually called him on his blackmailing threats to go and live at his dad's and she's playing the long game now.
Flowers

bevelino · 12/10/2016 00:11

OP I would caution against involving the police as it might result in a criminal record and ruin his future. Although he does deserve an almighty telling off.

JellyBelli · 12/10/2016 00:17

Has she changed her PIN? She can also request a new card as he may be able to use it online if he has memorised the number and security number.
I'd be beyond angry with him. He has totally betrayed her.

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 12/10/2016 00:19

When I worked for the Youth Offending Service, there were cases where children ended up on referral orders as a result of thefts in similar circumstances. I can say I had that much sympathy for parents in those cases mind you. As far as I can remember they didn't have a great deal of luck getting the money back from the bank.

Also calling the police 'to have a word ' doesn't work like that. The decision to arrest or not arrest lies with them not your sister. They will be under pressure to make an arrest and in all likelihood will do so. I'm not saying call/don't call the police but be aware that it will not just be a finger wagging exercise.

Also I understand you're worried op but this is primarily for your sister to sort out with her son, it doesn't need the cavalry to come charging over the hill at this stage unless she specifically asks for your help.

CalmItKermitt · 12/10/2016 00:21

Nightmare! Agree sell everything he holds most dear.

Dizzybintess · 12/10/2016 00:22

I hope you can help your sister get to the bottom of it Xx

sykadelic · 12/10/2016 00:34

I hope your sister is okay OP :(

He definitely needs to be punished and I would make sure he's aware that the police COULD be involved because he's illegally used her bank card. I hope she's able to find out exactly how much it is he's taken and sell enough of "his stuff" to get the money back.

Oh and I would DEFINITELY be taking any games consoles and games and anything else of value and putting them somewhere safe before offering him the chance to pay her back (get a job and pay in installments etc etc). He could have stashed some of the money somewhere. She needs a new card and needs to set up online access and practice safe banking.

Leeds2 · 12/10/2016 00:40

I hope all goes as fellas it can tomorrow. He must realise that he will have been rumbled?

Make sure your sister changes her PIN. Would also suggest getting a new card with a different security code on the back.

Work out what he owes, and sell everything you can to make it up. If you buy your DN a Christmas present, write a cheque to your sister instead, and ask for it to be knocked off his debt.

lostoldlogin2 · 12/10/2016 00:49

I think those of you suggesting she calls the police need to consider that that could be an irreversible decision which would impact the boy's life for years.....if the police charge him then he ends up with a criminal record and labelled as a criminal which doesn't tend to actually cause lads to "realise the error of their ways and reform immediately" more like reinforcing adolescent bravado and devil may care attitude and (often mistaken) belief that mum doesnt care etc etc. It can be the push down the slippery slope as opposed to a wake up call. Best thing in my opinion is to talk to the lad about consequences firmly....absolutely agree with the sale of his things to recoup the cash and that he has to pay back every penny....and perhaps a warning get that next time it will be a phone call to the police but accompanied with the explanation of the real long term effects that that would have on his life.

NaomiCole · 12/10/2016 01:15

So sorry this has happened :-(

It might be worth, as rightfully angry as your sister is, that she go in softly and gently. Obviously your nephew knew that she'd find out eventually - it's probably eating away at him.

It may be worth her approaching it along the lines of greeting him normally, saying how much she loves him and then says that she's sure he realises that the money has run out now and of course she knows all about it. Then just wait. Let him set the tone. It's all too easy to back kids into a corner and let them kick back.

If she starts with " I love you. I know what you've done." Without any anger (I know, easier said than done!) Then it gives him the opportunity to a)be relieved to be found out and not immediately killed! B) say sorry and try to.work out a way to make it right without feeling like his back's against a wall.

We all do stupid things once we're in that fight or flight zone - mum can set the tone of sit and chat without it getting ugly. Hopefully.

Obviously I may have got the whole tone wrong but after what I've seen today I couldn't not offer a different perspective.

I hope there's a positive resolution. Xxxxx

MissKatieVictoria · 12/10/2016 03:24

How she deals with it is paramount. Someone i used to consider a friend, stole fifty GRAND from his disabled dad, got caught, his dad refused to press charges, carried on letting him live with him and forgave him, and the litte shit did it AGAIN.

Optimist3 · 12/10/2016 03:35

Change the pin and the locks if he ends up living with his dad.

Optimist3 · 12/10/2016 03:37

Ask him how he's going to pay the bills and mortgage this month

NightWanderer · 12/10/2016 03:56

Practically speaking, she definitely needs to get a new card and new PIN. She needs to keep her cards and money locked up away from him. She should not trust him with money again.

In terms of punishment, she needs a good serious talk with him. At the end of the day, he's still a child. But, he needs to pay the money back somehow. She also needs to address these new friends of his and talk to his dad too.

RaeSkywalker · 12/10/2016 04:24

I hope she's called her bank and ordered a new card? I think the next step is making sure that banking documentation is locked away, so that he can't find out the details again.

Your poor sister Sad

Sulis87 · 12/10/2016 05:44

Perhaps a stupid question, but is she absolutely sure he's the culprit? There are s lot of ways that criminals can get hold of your banking details.

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