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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to call my nephew and tear him a new one?

192 replies

Agerbilatemycardigan · 11/10/2016 22:25

Okay, a bit of background to illustrate why I'm so angry.

My younger sister was married with 2 DC, until her husband left her for OW.
He was also spending the mortgage money on OW which resulted in my sister and her children almost becoming homeless.

Fast forward a few years, and my sister now has the mortgage under control, having worked every hour she could to support her children, who have never gone without anything.

Had a phonecall this evening as apparently she can't pay her bills as there is no money in her account. Further investigation has shown that her 17 year old son has taken the money without permission. She is totally devastated and feels utterly betrayed. He's away at the moment but will be back tomorrow.

Our mother was in tears about this too, as we all thought that he was a decent kid. We really don't know how to proceed. Does my sister involve the police or punish him in some other way?

It's such a difficult one Sad

OP posts:
HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood · 12/10/2016 06:23

Britbat is correct. It's still a crime even if she told him the PIN. I do wish people would stop saying otherwise.

However, police is not always the best way to go, given a single arrest can fuck up your future completely these days, prevent easy travel, etc.

I'd see what his response is first (after having removed anything of value he owns for the house so it can be sold immediately if he does not immediately repay what is missing).

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/10/2016 07:08

How awful. Definitely natural consequences of selling anything and everything including any branded clothes.

And I'd like to say yes to telling him to go to his father's house, packing his bags with only the clothes, which are unsaleable. Realistically though, your sister has to think about the long term consequences on throwing him out. Daddy dearest may do a number on him making the relation irreparable.

I'm a bit undecided about involving the police. How could you ensure they left it as an informal bollocking?

BombayBonsai · 12/10/2016 07:16

Your poor sister.

Penfold007 · 12/10/2016 07:31

Your sister was very unwise to give her DS access to her PIN and bank cards. The bank and police won't be interested, no proof of theft.
She needs to speak to her bank and change her PINS and get new cards issued, she may well need to arrange an overdraft or a loan. She needs to be proactive in checking for bank statements
It doesn't sound as though your N could go to his DF's house but maybe it would be a good idea. This is a massive breach of trust and their need to be consequences.

KungFuPandaWorksOut · 12/10/2016 07:34

Hopefully he'll come clean and agree too pay it back. But got a feeling he won't and will threaten going to his dad's Sad

ChuckBiscuits · 12/10/2016 07:36

i take it she has changed the PIN and bank passwords now?

RebootYourEngine · 12/10/2016 07:47

If he doesnt apologise and take full responsibility for it i would pack up his stuff minus whatever can be sold and send him to his dads.

Original poster
Agerbilatemycardigan · 12/10/2016 07:50

Thank you to everyone for your advice. I think it just depends now on what happens today. I think that if he shows genuine remorse, my sister will go a lot easier on him.

Someone mentioned not involving the 'cavalry' but I think that having a third party there is a good thing as my sister can be a bit of a pushover and is very vulnerable at the moment. Having the support of another family member will ensure that my nephew doesn't try to run rings around her.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 12/10/2016 07:51

How much has he taken? How awful for your sister.

YelloDraw · 12/10/2016 07:51

He had the PIN number as she's trusted him to take money out before

There is a bloody reason you're not meant to do this! Stupid stupid stupid.

Memoires · 12/10/2016 08:05

With regard to within-family involvement, then your sister should do what helps her, and if having your other sister there makes her feel more able to deal with this then that sister should be there. There are no rules.

Vis a vis the police, I agree that you all need to think carefully about their involvement. As said upthread, what happens after they're called in will be entirely down to them and you could all find that the situation snowballs and effects your dn's life in serious and irreversible ways.

Yes, take everything from him that has a monetary value and sell it to recoup the money, unless he can come up with a realistic repayment plan which he can be held to. At least, your sister stops giving him money, she can buy what he needs for him. He needs to be mindful of the difference between what is a 'want' and what is a 'need'. (Your sister will have to be strict with him about this too.)

scootinFun · 12/10/2016 08:09

Hi Op, this sounds a terrible situation to be in. Has your sister replaced the card and changed her PIN? I hope all goes well after the chat - fingers crossed it's easily sorted.

Roussette · 12/10/2016 08:09

My sister buys all his clothes, consoles and games etc, so he doesn't go without
That's part of the problem no doubt. He's 17, get a part time job to pay for luxuries.

as we all thought that he was a decent kid
Obviously not. He blackmails his mother into giving him money. Why would anyone think that denotes a 'decent kid'? The signs were there surely.... what 17 year old who knows his mother has struggled on her own financially and has worked all the hours god sends to keep things going, would be threatening to go and live with his Dad if his Mum doesn't give him money. He should have been looking to earn some money somewhere somehow to help, not fleecing his mother.

Dontpanicpyke · 12/10/2016 08:16

yellow that's quite harsh. I know my kids pins and they know mine. You should be able to trust your family. Most people can.

Defiantly it's all about how he reacts to his mum. He must show remorse and help pay it back. anything less is bad. Dad does sound a twat but could he help talk to his son? Sorry if missed anything.

Soubriquet · 12/10/2016 08:22

Sell his stuff for sure

Order a new card

Change the PIN number

If he threatens to go to his dad, help him pack his bag

Your poor sister

BitOutOfPractice · 12/10/2016 08:23

Your poor sister

What's her relationship like with her exH. I'd be inclined to involve him too.

FurryLippedSquid · 12/10/2016 08:33

Changing PIN only is no good. Online purchases do not require a PIN, only the card number and the 3 digit number on the back.

Card must be cancelled immediately and a new one ordered and she must keep the new one well hidden from her DS because all he has to do is get the numbers from it and he can buy online.

And personally I would be inclined to pack his bags and drive him over to his father so that your sister feels that her personal possessions are safer. OW will love that Grin.

If she has a First Direct account (and I'm sure other banks will do this) then she can register to receive a daily text with a mini statement. This tells you all the movements from your account in the last 24 hours and so it would be easy to spot if there had been any erroneous activity. I find this service invaluable.

Good luck to your DSis

KitKats28 · 12/10/2016 08:34

For god's sake, giving your teenager your PIN is not a crime! Most normal people trust their teenagers for good reason. A 17 year old is almost an adult. If my 17 year old suddenly started stealing from me, I wouldn't be blaming myself for giving them the PIN. I would be blaming them for being a thieving toe-rag.

Anyway, if the spending was being done online, you don't even need the PIN or the card. A picture of it will do, or memorising the number.

LittleLionMansMummy · 12/10/2016 08:36

I too wonder if there's more to this than meets the eye. He's stolen money, blackmailed his mum and fallen in with new friends - hope it's not drugs or gambling he's mixed up in. If he's previously been a good kid then these are serious red flags OP and your dsis is potentially going to need a lot of support. Whatever the scenario, he must begin to pay back what he's stolen. I'm not sure what the longer term answer is though.

Original poster
Agerbilatemycardigan · 12/10/2016 08:40

Roussette Until this happened, we didn't know about the blackmailing.

My sister's always been a bit soft with her kids, and we did warn her about this, but until recently we had no cause for concern as they both seemed to be stepping up. My niece studies all week and works on a weekend. My nephew studies 3 days a week and was also supposed to get a job.
Apparently he's been dragging his feet over this.

We now realise that my sister has been in denial about the extent of the problems with my nephew. As I've mentioned upthread, she feels like she's failed as a mother, so this would explain why she's kept certain things to herself.

OP posts:
Helpisathand13 · 12/10/2016 08:43

I hope today goes well for your nephews return and chat with your sister. She needs answers and better still her money back. Good luck x

QueenofallIsee · 12/10/2016 08:49

I feel so sorry for your sister, I hope that it goes OK today. I think it is a very good thing that your nephew sees that his behaviour is known within the wider family, to see himself through the eyes of people whose opinion matters to him might be the shock he needs.

Mummyrowland · 12/10/2016 08:50

I hope you can get this sorted with a reasonable outcome but I would Def be selling his stuff off!

nilbyname · 12/10/2016 08:52

What a little bastard! I hope she's sold all his possessions!!

Roussette · 12/10/2016 08:53

OP... it sounds like your DSis has brushed this all under the carpet and turned a blind eye to what he's been like. At least now she knows and can try and sort it out and maybe change the approach she has with him as far as buying him what he wants